Yeah, the thing that is missing in our paradise of an economy is more social skills.
The labor market rewards social skills because the market's buying power is transferred to a handful of people.
If you had a egalitarian market that truly reflected the demand of the ordinary citizen I am sure there would be a huge increase in demand for affordable housing, healthcare, cheaper college and renewable energy.
Not to mention the demand that exists to find immortality - unlike in newton's time we actually have the tools to achieve it.
Its only from the ivory tower at harvard can people see the increase in childhood poverty and homelessness and conclude that "hmm you know what is missing ? some serf to make me laugh !"
I think you're both right and wrong. Those other issues you mention are real problems, but labor is becoming a much less important factor of production in those fields than it used to be. I think the Harvard academics are observing that in a climate of automation and global supply chains, social skills are becoming more valuable because they are hard to engineer a replacement for, which is no longer true of many physical, cognitive, or administrative skills.
I'm terrified that my lack of social skills is limiting my personal and professional lives. I haven't had close friends in 13 years. My coworkers are middle aged, suburban folks, while mostly nice it gets tiresome explaining what a selfie is or how Twitter works (or having them explain football to me), and our workplace (mechanical engineering) is unusually antisocial. The vast, vast majority of the time we only talk about work because we're in a constant mild crunch. The people I've met via Meetup.com have seemed kind of narrow and were mostly older (i.e. a hiking meetup of 20 people where all they talk about is running/hiking). I despise so many aspects of the tech/startup world that I gave up hanging out at coworking spaces years ago. I've met some good individual out on hikes alone, but I can't hold a conversation or keep in touch to save my life. Is there any experience that I could get into serving as a crash course in social skills? It can be expensive like long-term travel, except I've done enough recreational travel to know that I'm just as nervous in a campsite in Europe as I am in an office in the US. I just want to develop these skills before my social ineptitude becomes permanently ingrained.
I feel crushed by small rejections. Burned once, twice shy is true for some people. For me it's 1,000x shy for the rest of my life. Even a minor rebuff can pollute my personality for the rest of my week and increase my pessimism and fear of people. Rejection therapy just seems like it'd push me over the edge into anger and bitterness.
Yes, and if you lifted heavy weights tomorrow you'd get very sore. If you lifted them every day you wouldn't feel sore and they wouldn't feel heavy. Overcoming discomfort requires enduring discomfort.
Have you seen a therapist? It's hard work to reprogram your own brain, and even harder if you try to do it alone. I think of it as a microscope trying to examine itself.
Even a few sessions can do a lot to point out your blind spots, give you objective feedback, and drill down on questions that you subconsciously avoid asking yourself.
Go out, talk to people, repeat. You have to learn that a rejection is no big deal. The cliche questions are fine to get started. What is your name, how is your day, what do you do? If they answer with anything more than 1 word answers then they are also interested in talking. Two of Dale Carnegies best items of advice: 1) Remember their name and 2) let them do the talking. Listen and ask a question, listen and ask a question. It is very true that the person who does the most talking in a conversation will typically feel like it was a good interaction.
I was once very shy, and decided to change. It took work, but people I know today think I am the most outgoing person they know. They simply do not believe I used to be terrified to talk to other people. I also used to think no one liked me. It just so happened the vibe I gave off was to stay away because of my shyness.
As someone who used to be very shy and learned to get past it, I found that the only thing that worked was to talk to people. All the time. Get used to the rejections and you'll eventually realize that they aren't usually personal. Say hi to people walking the other way in a doorway, hold the elevator for someone and smile. Say good morning to people in stores, get used to just talking to people. Soon enough it becomes second nature. Be nice, try to listen when people talk.
I hated bars, so I figured I'd go to a few just to get out of my comfort zone. A couple girls offered to buy me a drink, big ego boost. Get used to being around people and interacting with them.
The end result is that I am still quite introverted, but no one except my wife really knows that. I understand that people aren't rejecting me, it's just the way they are or they're having a bad day or want to be left alone. It's not all about me.
And by extension, it's not all about you. Accept your lack of importance to the universe and life becomes easier to live in.
Your last point is the most important one to me. I've got to realize not everything happens because of me, not everyone's paying attention to me through the day. Regarding your bar experiences, holy shit. I've been to my fair share of bars and clubs alone and the most attention I ever got was another man teasing me for looking young (short, minority). I can't deny a small amount of envy for introverted-but-attractive people who get an automatic leg-up from their appearance. That must help enormously.
I am short and minority. If you want attention in a bar, get out on the bar floor and dance! If you want more attention, walk to the front of the dance floor, turn around, and dance facing everybody! I am short and minority and the one time I did it, all the girls went googly-eyed staring at me for the rest of the night. One girl who wanted my attention wasn't happy I was talking to other girls and not her, and when she left hours later, she made the point of deliberately walking past me rubbing her chest against me, I got the idea she wanted to say "You missed out!".
Make sure to take a few hours learning dancing from someone who's really good at it, or go to some sort of dance class, and pick the right club for your dance.
In my experience, your appearance only matters for the first 3 seconds of meeting someone, after that it's all down to your personality.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm also short and a minority. But if that's going to be your excuse, you'll have to do a lot better!
Remember: everyone is attractive to someone. The point of mentioning women buying me drinks wasn't to brag, it was to point out that as you become more at-ease and confident, it shows.
It crushes me but then I look back and realize that after probably hundreds if not thousands of rejection, I am still here, I am fine, I work, I have friends, etc. In the grand scheme they didn't affect me one bit.
Apart from that, maybe join some kind of regular group that is more oriented for social than physical? Toastmasters or something like that or even board game groups (most games have some social aspects to them). Wine tastings also come to mind. Just choose activities where you know you will have to speak with people.
I've got both of those books and even took a DC communications course (for which I paid out of pocket). They got me into some paralysis by analysis. Every interaction becomes a frantic tree search through the set of conversational rules I learned from those and other advice books. Win Friends in particular seemed very glib and sales/business oriented, rather than aimed at connecting on a sincere level.
Different approach then, have you tried having one or two beers (wine/scotch whatever) before? Not enough to get drunk, but enough for some of that paralysis by analysis to fade?
This is not bad advice. I'm naturally a bit reticent, but a beer or two and I'm chatty and can break through some social barriers. (There's a limit of course, moderation is best.) People call drinking a "crutch" but it's no more so than any other self help advice; alcohol can break down some inhibitions and lead to interesting conversations. (I've heard pot works similarly though I've never used it for social disinhibition myself.)
Practice doesn't help if you're brain is literally wired differently. Practice can only cover up with intellect a deficiency in behavior that others do automatically and unconsciously, which means no matter how good you get at faking it, it's still going to be exhausting and aggravating because you lack the underlying natural behaviors.
* Find extroverted people you can tolerate, they can introduce you to a lot more people.
* Find the groups of people who have problems with the tech/startup world but are still interested in tech (Who I'm assuming you're one of), there's a lot of people out there like that and you'll have a lot to talk about.
* If you're not great at conversation, try to focus on just being with people, say something like "I don't really have a lot to say, but I appreicate the company". Find people who want to just be around others.
* Make it a part of your life to continually study psychology and human nature
My life has also improved personally/professionally/socially since I got fired from my last job in 2013 and went freelance. Having to run my own business has forced me to develop social skills and freelancing has given me the opportunity to regularly change the group of people with whom I'm surrounded, which has allowed me to "collect" people I like along the way, which can happen at a regular job but much more slowly.
The title seems skeezy today, but it was written in the 1920's and probably didn't come across that way. It helps to say it in your head in an old time-y documentary voice.
Perhaps try other social activities? Pick three very different sorts of meetups and go to them? Ones where you'll be interacting with people, but in a structured way where it's ok if you don't have anything interesting to bring up to talk about?
For me social dancing ended up being great, even though I never would have thought of myself as a dancer.
As part of a PIP* I got assigned to Toastmasters. I have no use for that since I already know how to tell stories, but... that's what they do.
If you have nieces, nephews, read to them. That's how I learned it.
oh yeah it ended ... like that why do you ask.
And please understand that I am probably risking my immortal soul by saying this. But life is more fun when you can tell stories. It's the* basic fundamental thing of human cognition.
I see this constantly in engineers. My theory is that we're trained to see life as pass/fail and that starts to become a general theory of life. I found this guy to be quite helpful.
His stuff was so helpful to me I went to a seminar and then hired him and my social skills went through the roof. I got better clients (I run a consulting company), my marriage improved, and I just feel all the more outgoing despite a lifetime of being introverted.
It involves a lot of social engineering is all. To design an API is to offer a service. It's the service industry and it's possible thanks to a lot of production and creation.
I think its a lot more complex than that. I agree that there are a lot of people who make their living making CRUD apps (and honestly, I think its a good thing if people can do it! Someone is paying for those CRUD apps which means there is a demand...). But...as the economy gets more automated and digitized and the population grows, you're success will be determined by how quick you are in recognizing opportunities (clients, projects etc.) and social networks seem to be the best way to get this information. So I would argue that its the advantage of this property of social networks which is what makes being social a valuable skill.
Also, I see a lot of disdain over the term "being social" in the tech community: its not licking the boot of others, its as simple as being the one who initiates conversation. I cannot stress how important this simple skill is.
I've been moving down the organization for a long time. It's only bitten me twice, but both times it bit hard. But I sincerely believe it's the way to make a career that lasts. Er, at least you'll last.
The "politics" way is much more fickle. And I think it probably takes longer to get good at this stuff than we want to think it does.
This paper seems to be equating social skills in general with communication skills in the workplace. There's a lot of overlap but in my experience one isn't a solid predictor of the other. Furthermore, communication skills don't take as much precedence until after you're able to assemble a team to do the work. Everyone wants to only hire programmers/engineers/whatever who are great at communicating but the impracticality of that is why team leaders, managers, etc exist.
You can probably find 10 software engineers to write the bits and pieces for the back-end software supporting your a shipping business and you can probably also find 10 with great communication skills. When you want a team of 10 developers to write the code for a surface to air missile system who, by the way, will need to work with the engineering teams and understand how the overall system works and its intended implementation (in order to write workable code) you're gonna have a tough time finding 10 people with all the qualifications you want and sacrifices will be made.
It's kind of cool how it looks like you can improve your log hourly wage at the highest percentiles by forgetting maths if you have good social skills, or forgetting good social skills if you have good maths skills.
I've only skimmed the paper, but how do the "social skills" map onto what one would normally mean by the plain-English meaning of social skills? It seems to be some kind of composite of job description categories, which I'm not sure what that means exactly.
One way to think about it is the ability to pick up the phone and get a meeting setup with anyone you want, potential customer, investor, engineering talent, supply chain vendor, Elon Musk etc. To get to that level, takes a lot of social skill. It's why CXO's get paid what they get paid.
Not "forgetting" math, but working in a more-social lower-math job. Aka management and sales, not engineering.
But anyway a huge amount of variation us being compressed into over/under 50th %ile. You can't read anything into an anysis like this, outside of the range of near-mode (average people) incomes and skill levels. A full economy analysis doesn't say much about people in the 80+%ile of skill level, which even a junior engineer or MBA is at.
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[ 4.3 ms ] story [ 110 ms ] threadThe labor market rewards social skills because the market's buying power is transferred to a handful of people.
If you had a egalitarian market that truly reflected the demand of the ordinary citizen I am sure there would be a huge increase in demand for affordable housing, healthcare, cheaper college and renewable energy.
Not to mention the demand that exists to find immortality - unlike in newton's time we actually have the tools to achieve it.
Its only from the ivory tower at harvard can people see the increase in childhood poverty and homelessness and conclude that "hmm you know what is missing ? some serf to make me laugh !"
Then this: http://www.mindtools.com/CommSkll/ActiveListening.htm
Focus on learning to really listen to what people say. IMHO that's generally the most important and underdeveloped social skill, the rest will follow.
Even a few sessions can do a lot to point out your blind spots, give you objective feedback, and drill down on questions that you subconsciously avoid asking yourself.
I was once very shy, and decided to change. It took work, but people I know today think I am the most outgoing person they know. They simply do not believe I used to be terrified to talk to other people. I also used to think no one liked me. It just so happened the vibe I gave off was to stay away because of my shyness.
I hated bars, so I figured I'd go to a few just to get out of my comfort zone. A couple girls offered to buy me a drink, big ego boost. Get used to being around people and interacting with them.
The end result is that I am still quite introverted, but no one except my wife really knows that. I understand that people aren't rejecting me, it's just the way they are or they're having a bad day or want to be left alone. It's not all about me.
And by extension, it's not all about you. Accept your lack of importance to the universe and life becomes easier to live in.
Make sure to take a few hours learning dancing from someone who's really good at it, or go to some sort of dance class, and pick the right club for your dance.
In my experience, your appearance only matters for the first 3 seconds of meeting someone, after that it's all down to your personality.
Remember: everyone is attractive to someone. The point of mentioning women buying me drinks wasn't to brag, it was to point out that as you become more at-ease and confident, it shows.
There is also Dale Carnegie's 'How to win friends and influence people' https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/How_to_Win_Friends_and_Influen...
Apart from that, maybe join some kind of regular group that is more oriented for social than physical? Toastmasters or something like that or even board game groups (most games have some social aspects to them). Wine tastings also come to mind. Just choose activities where you know you will have to speak with people.
You have Aspergers?
Have you considered any improv humor stuff, where un-planned-ness is almost the goal?
Some of the things that have worked for me:
* Find extroverted people you can tolerate, they can introduce you to a lot more people.
* Find the groups of people who have problems with the tech/startup world but are still interested in tech (Who I'm assuming you're one of), there's a lot of people out there like that and you'll have a lot to talk about.
* If you're not great at conversation, try to focus on just being with people, say something like "I don't really have a lot to say, but I appreicate the company". Find people who want to just be around others.
Assuming you work in technology, you really know and work with middle aged people who are not aware of the terms selfie and Twitter?
* Read How to Win Friends and Influence People
* Read The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People
* Join Toastmasters (and, importantly, participate!)
* Make it a part of your life to continually study psychology and human nature
My life has also improved personally/professionally/socially since I got fired from my last job in 2013 and went freelance. Having to run my own business has forced me to develop social skills and freelancing has given me the opportunity to regularly change the group of people with whom I'm surrounded, which has allowed me to "collect" people I like along the way, which can happen at a regular job but much more slowly.
This is a book that very much should not be judged by its cover.
For me social dancing ended up being great, even though I never would have thought of myself as a dancer.
As part of a PIP* I got assigned to Toastmasters. I have no use for that since I already know how to tell stories, but... that's what they do.
If you have nieces, nephews, read to them. That's how I learned it.
oh yeah it ended ... like that why do you ask.
And please understand that I am probably risking my immortal soul by saying this. But life is more fun when you can tell stories. It's the* basic fundamental thing of human cognition.
http://yourcharismacoach.com
He's got some great videos like how to warm up to conversations
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AtZUx6VLoY0
His stuff was so helpful to me I went to a seminar and then hired him and my social skills went through the roof. I got better clients (I run a consulting company), my marriage improved, and I just feel all the more outgoing despite a lifetime of being introverted.
When engineering consists of making CRUD apps and serving up ads, you're better off politicking to get a bigger piece of a not-so-expanding pie.
It involves a lot of social engineering is all. To design an API is to offer a service. It's the service industry and it's possible thanks to a lot of production and creation.
Also, I see a lot of disdain over the term "being social" in the tech community: its not licking the boot of others, its as simple as being the one who initiates conversation. I cannot stress how important this simple skill is.
I've been moving down the organization for a long time. It's only bitten me twice, but both times it bit hard. But I sincerely believe it's the way to make a career that lasts. Er, at least you'll last.
The "politics" way is much more fickle. And I think it probably takes longer to get good at this stuff than we want to think it does.
You can probably find 10 software engineers to write the bits and pieces for the back-end software supporting your a shipping business and you can probably also find 10 with great communication skills. When you want a team of 10 developers to write the code for a surface to air missile system who, by the way, will need to work with the engineering teams and understand how the overall system works and its intended implementation (in order to write workable code) you're gonna have a tough time finding 10 people with all the qualifications you want and sacrifices will be made.
I've only skimmed the paper, but how do the "social skills" map onto what one would normally mean by the plain-English meaning of social skills? It seems to be some kind of composite of job description categories, which I'm not sure what that means exactly.
But anyway a huge amount of variation us being compressed into over/under 50th %ile. You can't read anything into an anysis like this, outside of the range of near-mode (average people) incomes and skill levels. A full economy analysis doesn't say much about people in the 80+%ile of skill level, which even a junior engineer or MBA is at.