Stop Trying To Be Smart...? Goal for 2010

In addition to this, though, I must say that you can think unintelligently if only for the purpose of seeing from the perspective of someone less experienced than yourself. This is helpful for the purposes of understanding others, but it should not be demonstrated anywhere outside of your own mind. This can help with design, but in turn, that design will be deemed wise because of its simplicity.

I really enjoy the "progressive degrees" joke: "When you get your Bachelor's, you think you know everything. When you get your Master's, you realize that you don't know anything. When you get your Doctorate, you realize that nobody knows anything."

To your high school/college un-friend's yearbook snipe... based on human nature, I would expect that he just wanted to have the last word on you. However, that doesn't mean there wasn't a point lurking there... I know I enjoy being the center of attention, and I think it's important to discipline oneself to temper that attention-seeking with humility. So maybe what you can take away from that yearbook note is two-fold. One lesson might be, "Show, don't tell." Let your intelligence speak for itself. If the people in the room are supposed to know that you're the most intelligent, they will, based on how you say what you're saying, and how you do what you're doing, as opposed to what you are saying or what you are doing.

The second lesson could simply be humility. Maybe your constant striving to be the smartest, while admirable, has given you a subtle sense of entitlement to admiration or good results. It could help to examine that.

It's really cool that you're willing to take a step back and ask yourself if there was something under the surface of that comment, especially almost two decades later. I hope you find the epiphany you're looking for this year. Happy holidays!

In reality, the people I know who are truly wisest in a truly meaningful way are very down-to-earth. Until you get to know them, you can't really tell they're "smart" in the traditional "perceived IQ" sense.

I also try to say smart things and speak as an expert on a wide range of things.

This sounds like you're intellectually confident, which, I think, is very different from being "smart". I'm going through the exact same transformation as you, I think, one triggered by some very rudimentary study of epistemology. Most people, after meeting me, have a very high opinion of my intelligence, much higher than (I think) is deserved. So the realization I'm going through is how little I really know, in the epistemological sense.

For the most basic example, I can certainly talk intelligently about computers and programming, and do excellent at interviews and even at getting work done, but in reality, I know very little about the details of a computer's architecture, and much less about the details of networking. I know the high-leve abstractions, but I have no idea what's actually going on.

1. http://www.paulgraham.com/wisdom.html

Yes to both questions.

I'm a firm believer in expertise -- both mine and everybody else's. If discussion turns to topics which I know a lot about, I will speak with authority; but when discussion turns to topics which I know little about -- which happens quite often -- I will listen quietly or sometimes ask questions.

In some cases people misinterpret my listening quietly as being uninterested in the topic at hand, but I can usually correct that misconception when it arises.

Not to be offensive as I can only go off of the few sentences that you have written but it would appear to me that you have the problem that you are trying to "prove" to yourself that you are smart in every encounter and this manifests by trying to be the smartest guy in the room. The smartest guys that I know will say "I don't know" when asked a question that they don't know. That to me is the essence of intellectual confidence.

The flip side of the dynamic discussed there is that there is no faster way to make yourself disliked than to make it clear to someone who thinks they know something that they have things left to learn. The defensive actions you can get are amazing and are best observed from a distance.

Personally I spend my life learning, and like sharing. I've found to my detriment that I sometimes rub people the wrong way because they think I am more arrogant than I mean to be. But I've found that once people get to know me they understand how I am and it tends to work out in the long run. I think that it helps that I go out of my way to make everyone in my environment aware that I've identified things that I know they know more than I do, and that I honestly respect them for having expertise that I don't have.

People who just have a surface knowledge or just learned some stuff by watching national geographic or some pop science thing seem the most willing to impart knowledge.

Introspection/meditation is your tool to the inner self; there you will find confidence, security, and peace. Sophrosyne (moral sanity; moderation through true self-knowledge) is the state of mind you will attain when you honestly practice not caring about what other people think, go within rather than without (introspect/meditate), and discipline yourself.

From the looks of it, you've begun the alchemical path of transformation. Your propensity for intellectualism can help you here, C. G. Jung has created a comprehensive intellectual framework of the human psyche that uses symbolism, alchemy, and allegory to model the psyche and its processes in a way that makes sense. You would benefit from casually reading some his material and applying it when you can; more rigorous application will make a noticeable impact on your psyche.

So, yes, stop trying to be smart and just be smart. Realize that your parents cannot and never will provide everything you need for a whole Self, that certain aspects must be cultivated within you. This is one of those facets.

Kudos to recognizing it and even more kudos to your asking for help - psychologically speaking, asking "others" for help means you are asking the rest of yourself for help; just remember we can't give all the answers since we aren't you, the best answers are given by the members within you.

I think it is always valuable to try to be as smart as you can, learn as much as you can, and always keep improving your mind. (Whether your should focus on one domain of expertise or try to be well rounded is a more personal choice with pros and cons).

Trying to appear smart is often not worth it, even if you are extremely smart. This can be off putting to other people in some cases and can hinder you from being receptive to learning more.

In short this:

In fact, I've spent my whole life trying to be the smartest guy in the room. In school I took the hardest classes and shot for the best grades.

was probably a good and commendable decision.

But this:

I also try to say smart things and speak as an expert on a wide range of things.

was probably less useful.

When I was in high scholl I tried hard to impress by having nice grades, being the smart one, etc. When I got to college I became just another college student, barely making it, and had colleagues that had straight As when I would study just to pass the course.

It turns out 1) It was a real eye opener, I realized I needed to work hard If I ever wanted to become good at something 2) I started to realize my own true interests, and acting accordingly.

Just ask yourself a simple question: what really makes you happy. When you know the answer (or answers) to this question, you'll be on the right track ;)

I might have an extreme opinion, but I believe that you should often downplay your intelligence and work hard to relate to the "lowest common denominator." Many intellectuals may find this idea extremely distasteful, but they generally also fail to see the huge amounts of value to be gained from such relationships. Namely, you're able to learn the "soft skills" that many people in our field find so hard to grasp. I've learned the majority of what I know about life and dealing with people from the B/C students I've encountered along the way. The best part about this strategy is that, if you're actually intelligent, it'll probably come across _all by itself_. It's win/win.

I have an extremely similar problem, where I feel like I always have to be right about...well, whatever I happen to be talking about. Because big personality changes are hard, instead I try to control some specific behaviors that get me into trouble, such as getting defensive and trying to sound like I know more than I do. That may be a better goal than a complete personality makeover.

[If you're interested, I wrote about getting defensive here: http://www.hegemonicon.com/blog/?p=184 and sounding like I know more than I do here: http://www.hegemonicon.com/blog/?p=683]

'It was a turning point in my programming career when I realized that I didn't have to win every argument. I'd be talking about code with someone, and I'd say, "I think the best way to do it is A." And they'd say, "I think the best way to do it is B. I'd say, "Well no, it's really A." And they'd say, "Well, we want to do B." It was a turning point for me when I could say, "Fine. Do B. It's not going to hurt us that much if I'm wrong. It's not going to hurt us that much if I'm right and you do B, because, we can correct mistakes. So lets find out if it's a mistake.'

The reason being that I never had a problem worrying about how smart I am. I was just afraid of being wrong. The reality of the situation is that you're wrong sometimes. In fact, this is a good thing. A person who isn't wrong is probably also never right.

What you wrote strikes a chord with me. I grew up frequently being told how smart I was. Since this was most of the positive feedback I received, my concept of myself was heavily biased that way. But life intervened and I was forced to change. Among the conclusions I drew is that knowledge is no basis for identity.

For me the shift came from seeing that the cognitive intellect is not as important as it thinks it is. (I love Emo Phillips' line, "I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in my body. Then I realized who was telling me this.") It wants to live in a world where it's at the center, figuring things out and making decisions, but this is largely a fiction. In recent years there have been a host of experimental results demonstrating this, but wise people have said it forever and I think many people feel it instinctively. To those of us who have grown up identifying most with the cognitive mind, this is a challenge.

The reason relationships suffer if you place too high an emphasis on being smart is that you're paying attention to only one channel and are closed to other ones (emotion, intuition, etc.) that have a greater role to play. You can easily be "right" in everything you say and do, yet end up in a colossally wrong and pathetic position, unable to understand why people react to you the way they do. Meanwhile those other people are wondering how you could be so oblivious.

The issue here is not how smart one is, but rather the need to be smart, which is ultimately the need to be seen as being smart. That is not a cognitive need, but an ego defense. It gives you something to be; it tells you who you are; it assigns you (the smart one) a high status. But it's grounded in fear: if I'm not smart, what am I? who am I? what value do I have? (The fear being, I'm nothing, I'm worthless.) This is a weak position to live from. Maybe you can get by, but reality has a way of contradicting it, such as when other people don't conform to the script.

The best way out of this that I've found is simply to learn to be ok with not knowing. When you switch your default position from "I know" to "I don't know", a lot of things follow. It's a tradeoff: you don't get to feel particularly smart or special any more, but in exchange, a lot of the hitherto frustrating and impenetrable aspects of life start to go better. Basically, you stop optimizing for a local maximum and get pulled into the main current.

Edit: it's good for creativity too, because you stop fighting for your ideas and become open to more and better possibilities.

That sounds good advice. If you want people to think you're clever, demonstrate it by your behaviour. Telling people you are will convince no-one, they will just think you're an arsehole, and a stupid one at that.

When I consider all the people I know who I consider to be highly intelligent, none of them go round boasting about how clever they are.

> I also try to say smart things and speak as an expert on a wide range of things.

Do people ever tell you that you come across as an arrogant know-it-all? The reason I ask is to try to gain an appreciation of how others see you.

> I've spent my whole life trying to be the smartest guy in the room.

If you have to try to be clever, you're not clever. Sorry.

> Are you the well read geek that with all of the answers.

I've been doing programming for over 30 years. I'm still learning new stuff. I don't have all the answers and i doubt if I ever will. Anyone who thinks they do know it all is either (i) an expert in a small field, or (ii) an idiot.

I usually don't say things that people find extremely intriguing, I also am a slow responder in arguments. I have to think. But when I think for some time, I sometimes get such good results that the other smart-thinker/showers are simply outdone. I say sometimes because you can't and don't have to always show your brightness.

I work under the assumption that lots of people know more than I do about lots of things. These people are not a threat to me or competition. They're an opportunity to learn. Looking back there are so many times when someone who had really mastered a topic has helped me understand it just through a paragraph of text or a few minutes of conversation. It may have taken me hours, days or weeks to figure it out on my own. I try to do the same for others when I can. Knowledge & information should be freely shared in a comfortable exchange whenever possible.

i'm not sure what lesson to draw from that, though. does it mean that you are completely insensitive to what other people think about you? or that you're way, way too desperate to prove yourself? or perhaps it just means you're 6 foot plus and heavy with it?

so i'm wondering if there's a broader lesson here. like you need to listen to people a whole lot more (ie over and above being a little more modest)? or love yourself rather than trying to live up to what (perhaps) your parents demanded way back when?

sorry if this seems like cheap psychology - not trying to knock you, just thinking out loud.

Because if you're the smartest you don't grow. It's also can be a humbling experience and it sounds like that might be something you need.

As it is I am always hustling to keep up and that's a winning strategy for me.