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Tell HN: I just asked ~10 people to list my worst qualities

9 points by on_ ↗ HN
To keep this somewhat private, I am going to list the highpoints of the exercise like why I did it, why it was beneficial, and how I did it.

I think recursive self improvement is super important and seeking out negative criticism from people is a really great way to pattern match on themes and confirm/discover personal bias. I am in a pretty shitty position professionally and personally so this seemed like a good way to see if I was missing some key flaw I had.

I emailed an ex, a few childhood/current best friends, family, and college friends and just asked them to write the 3(or more) worst things about me in any detail or context they wanted and provide detail if they wanted to. I asked they NOT include any positive attributes, assured them I wouldn't be offended and offered to return the favor should they be inclined.

I found the results really really interesting. If you are interested just make an email like critique[your name]@[a/your domain] and send them out.

11 comments

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nyc_cyn
What did you learn, if you don't mind me asking?
on_
Without getting too specific it helped me do a few things (I know your question is about learning) however. First, it let me mend fences with people who I hadn't talked to in a while and I learned that it was easy to reconnect by doing something like this because it makes it very easy and lowers the social friction.

I also saw a few broad themes like being disorganized, thinking big but failing to execute, lack of ambition, etc. Some overlap, and some were smaller issues. I reckon I will actually write it up, depending how significant the other half of the results are.

On balance, it is a good way to reconnect with people and also see if there are broad negative attributes you were missing. I also wrote a few responses to people who asked for me to do it in return, so it gives you a chance to help others and yourself if your close friend has a really annoying quality you wish he would work through.

anigbrowl
I presume this is a throwaway/anonymous account, for obvious reasons. It's a smart exercise, and I'd be interested to hear more about what they told you - not to know how flawed you are* but to know whether multiple people picked out the same flaws, or how accurate your appraisal of your own flaws was compared to the results you got, or how social distance (family > childhood friends > college friends) correlates with accuracy of insight, if at all. So I nominate your worst quality as a tendency to tease with provocative ideas but not follow through with interesting details :-)

* Unlike me. I'm perfect and I won't listen to anyone who says otherwise.

Seriously, well done and thank you for sharing your insights so far.

on_
> I presume this is a throwaway/anonymous account, for obvious reasons.

My HN is PGP verified by keybase.io via my profile, and linked to most of my online identities ;). Unfortunately, I had some serious data corruption issues with a PW manager and lost my credentials. I "think" I can get my old account back but I don't have the password anymore. I would be happy to send along the info privately as I am about to read the other half tonight.

I also, wrote the post light heartedly which fits with my personality. "As you all know, I am an amazing individual and it is really difficult to measure the breadth of my greatness due to the vast amount of positive qualities and skills I have".

I wrote something like that and made some other jokes. This allows people to know you can take a joke, build up a bit of cockyness which people love to strike down, and also segue into the serious bits without too much fanfare. Also, I would bet that people are more likely to respond honestly via email because it is dehumanizing.

Feel free too email me at skg@samuel.engineer for the results. I haven't looked at all the responses yet as I had a lot going on today.

joshschreuder
Do you think it would have been more valuable if the people you asked were anonymous? Or at least felt they were?

Of course it could get nasty like internet comments, but I feel like especially when it's people you know personally, they would be more inclined to be honest about your flaws if they couldn't be identified.

on_
I don't. I think it depends on who you are but I am not the sort of person to be easily offended. I didnt do a blog post because really outside of the premise your structure and objectives will be different. If your friends are shy and introverted You could do an anonymous post.
colund
Could it be that your worst quality is that you worry too much about not being perfect?

Then you won't take the necessary risks to make mistakes and learn.

I have gotten somewhat older and realized that some of the happiest people are the ones who don't worry too much but instead seek healthy relationships and indulge in their passions.

jordsmi
You should have created some anonymous form that they could submit to. I know you said you wouldn't be offended, but most people would not be brutally honest if you know they are the ones saying it.
on_
As you can see, I beleived they would be. It turns out, more have come in and you are correct, many people have ignored the "do not qualify answers or list positive qualities" thing. That being said, the answers are helpful and while they are still somewhat tactful, they do have the criticism.
AnimalMuppet
You asked your ex what your worst qualities were? I respect your courage.
markhall
I really like this idea and will do something similar. Did you not provide any other guidance beyond "write the 3(or more) worst things about me in any detail or context they wanted and provide detail if they wanted to"? I agree that an anonymous Google form approach may (hopefully) warrant more insight. Any additional advice to make this more impactful would be appreciated. I'm all for continual self-improvement