Ask HN: Dealing with a Toxic Co-Worker

A lot of the programmers rushed their code so it was sloppy and crashed the system and take down the database. I had to fix those programs and also work on my own programs. I got assigned Legacy Software Support and anything that broke became Legacy Software and assigned to me. I had over 134 projects to work on and had tight deadlines.

I ended up stressed out and on short-term disability, and when I returned to work and had a panic attack I was fired for not snapping out of it. I ended up on disability.

My best advice for you is to learn how to manage stress, no matter where you work there will always be a toxic element to it. The better a programmer the bigger the ego they have in some cases. Sure it is hard to get along with a jerk that management likes and is fire-proof. But if you can change your reactions and manage your stress better you can deal with it better. Don't make the mistake I did and let it get to you to the point that you make yourself sick.

Have you thought about talking to your coworker directly? I know this may sound rough right now and I don't suggest being confrontational. Maybe just ask him out to lunch with you. Build a relationship. It's hard to be mean to a friend... You could become his friend. I had a similar situation recently with a coworker. At a company lunch I noticed this particular coworker was not invited to sit with anyone. I invited him over. We chatted about non-work things. Our relationship did improve. He's still overbearing and mean, but less so. Our relationship has improved.

Also, are his evaluations actually incorrect? Sometimes people are mean and honest at the same time. Are the people he is speaking badly about actually completing work poorly? Is he having to pick up their slack? Does he have to work late or harder because of them? He is purely venting his honest frustration?

Similarly, your manager's boss is much more likely to side with your manager than with you. And complaining to your own manager may backfire if he values toxic-guy more than you (which seems to be the case).

So I'd suggest that if it really bothers you, start looking for a new job. Otherwise, ignore it. If your manager is already talking to him about his behavior, he might eventually improve his attitude.

For more on HR's role in a company, you might want to read this book (which I read after it was recommended a while back by someone else on HN):

Corporate Confidential: 50 Secrets Your Company Doesn't Want You to Know---and What to Do About Them

By Cynthia Shapiro

http://www.amazon.com/dp/0312337361

I say that because I don't know your organisational structure and culture. I've done all you've written above, and sometimes it went well, other times not so well. 5 in particular.

Something I recommend for everyone to do is find someone to be a mentor. I have a couple, one a former boss I stay in contact with, the other someone that just took a liking to me. I'm sure I'd have more had I been aware of the power of simply making an effort to stay in contact. For you it could be someone that goes to the same gym, restaurant, or any common connection to bond over. Cultivate that relationship, but don't make it seem like sucking up, because it shouldn't be. No mentor likes sucking up, but they all like being able to share some wisdom and like seeing the results.

It's a seller's market for people with your skills right now. There's no guarantee that you'll find a new environment that doesn't have one of these cancer-in-the-locker-room culture killers, but they're not quite as common as you're fearing.

It's not just this one employee that's the problem, it's that the bad apple, the manager, and the manager's manager are all knitted together into a situation that you can't break, which is making you "miserable". You may not like the idea of leaving. But, given the information you've provided, it is your best option. (Or, maybe your least-worst option.)

I was recently in a similar situation where anyone disagreeing with the "golden boy" was chided by him. He's just another bully, generally when you stand up they leave you alone.

I had a word with my bosses boss and my boss at the same time, said basically I have thick skin, but at the end of the day his behaviour is pissing me off, something needs to be done because if a Jr was being "coached" they would likely freak out due to the condescending manner.

Good luck!

And it would be pretty bad if said report was leaked to other employees. People might put up with this stuff one by one, but hearing the insults about themselves suddenly changes things. Though again, this might be a horrible idea.

Question what this person is saying. Stand up for your coworkers if you think they've done good work and the comments are unreasonable. If your coworker is wrong then he won't able to defend his position, and he'll look ridiculous. If he's right that the work is poor then he'll look stupid for complaining when the developer in question isn't there.

Just make sure there are plenty of other people around, particularly your boss.

On the other end of options, you could grit your teeth and tolerate this further if you don't feel like it's a battle you want to fight.

It's about what you feel is best for you/what you are willing to tolerate. I personally would prepare to leave, as taking verbal abuse often with co-workers is not the type of work environment I want to be in, but that is me.

That doesn't always mean that I leave -- only that by the time I'm asking the questions you're asking, it's always been too late. It was time to go a while back and I just didn't want to admit it.

Good luck! I doubt there's some magic sauce or fairy sprinkle dust that will turn a jackass into a flower, but perhaps your experience will be different from mine.

At my current workplace, this kind of "brilliant ahole" is shown the door asap but most workplace cultures encourage (passively or actively) this behavior.

That being said, obviously your manager doesn't share this ethos. In the future, this is something you might want to filter for.

If I were you, I would make preparations for the worst and escalate. You don't want to leave, but you need to be willing to and prepared to do so. If you do escalate though, go to your manager. He's clearly aware of it, and ultimately its politically a mistake to go to either HR or your manager's manager, since it'll hurt your relations with your direct manager.

Doing nothing isn't an option in the long term if nothing changes. There's no real point in considering it.

If it is a big corp ask to be transferred to another position for instance. There is nothing you can do about assholes, other than avoid them, especially if they are fully supported by the hierarchy.

If you call hiss bullshit he'll probably go into denial (sooner or later). He can also become depressive, or even more aggressive. Those are defense mechanisms. They are triggered in confrontational situations, the "fight or flight" instinct. Men usually fight, women usually flight. Best option is for him to actually feel good about himself, as people "at the top" do not belittle the little people, as it would mean they feel threatened (and, as such, are afraid, meaning they're not as strong as the other).

Best way imho is to be friendly to him, and when he belittles someone, instead of confronting him, you approach tangentially, making him feel he would be even "more superior" if he helped. This way he will be validated by his experience and by his understanding.

For example, "man, you don't need to go that far. I mean, you've [been doing this for a long time]/[studied a lot]/[put a lot of effort], you must have made some mistakes too. And you're [one of the best]/[probably the best]/[an awesome] developer. If you could give us some tips sometimes, II bet we'd become an even greater team. :D"

And obviously, whenever you can, praise stuff his done well and ask for opinions. Can be on conceptual stuff or whatever, just help him feel "validated" for his good points and he will naturally shift to a less confrontative behavior, plus he will focus on the stuff that got people to like him.

He should do therapy btw, but suggesting this will probably make things worse. If nobody can make this work, all the good devs will end up leaving, and the company will be left with people that have no other options... Not a good place to work at, unfortunately.

By all means do 5 while you execute on 4, but you're in no position to change the culture of the firm. Go and find a better one. (Context: I've done exactly this.)

It did help me in two ways : 1. The other person realized that I'm another human being just like him and not some "ideal code cranking robot" that he expected me to be ! He even apologized at some point for any offense he would have caused, explained his reasons and assured me that it was not personal. 2. I realized that he was under similar stress for meeting his own challenges / expectations laid out to him by his superiors. So, helped me feel better about myself , that the situation was caused mostly due to his inability to communicate rather than any fault from my end !

To make life easy for you, I'll lay out your options:

- Go to your manager with a plan for improving the co-worker's behaviour. Any other conversation about it will be pointless because the manager has shown that they are unable to fix the problem without help.

- Go to your co-worker and find a way to convince them to change their behaviour. Remember that the manager has already tried and failed at this. You will have to try an approach other than saying "I would really like you to change your behaviour".

- Engineer the termination of employment of the co-worker by means fair or foul. (Note that going above your direct manager or to HR is essentially an attempt in this direction).

- Find a way to be happy in your work, despite your co-worker's behaviour.

- Engineer your own termination of employment.

I think only one of these approaches is easy and none are without risk. If you are willing and able to help your co-worker, this is likely to have the best possible outcome. The chances for success, though, are vanishingly small.

Improving the quality of the team by engineering other people's termination is something that is not so difficult if you know how to do it, but it rather paints a big arrow at your head with the caption "I am evil". Whether you want to go down this route is entirely up to you. It often makes your team happy at the expense of the person you are targeting.

Finding a way to be happy despite the poor behaviour of your colleagues is a very nice outcome for yourself, personally, but it doesn't do much to help others who share your situation. Still, if you wait long enough, the co-worker in questions may gather enough rope to hang themselves.

Finally, you can leave. Knowing when you have had enough is a wonderful wisdom to have. There are risks, as you have said and nobody can evaluate them for you.

It's not a good situation to be in. It's not entirely uncommon, though, given the short period of time people tend to stay in groups in this field, you are likely to encounter the situation again sometime in the future. Building your own skills so that you can help people who suffer from being assholes is something that can be quite valuable (and even marketable). Alas, I have never learned the knack myself.

Go talk to him, tell him how he makes you feel (not "you do this, you do that", but "I feel like shit when you say X"). And ask him to be kind/patient to less experienced devs.

Make him feel important by requesting his mentorship instead of acid complaints.

Tell him he can help empower others instead of belittling them.

Talking to a manager will only make things worse.

Also, be careful when stamping the "toxic" label. I'm not saying you're wrong in your judgement, but maybe you just don't know what's happening with his personal life. I have a fellow colleague which I always considered at least "cranky" since I joined my current company (half a year ago). Last week we traveled to work abroad and had some free time to talk over beers - he confided me that his mother was and still is very sick. Tough stuff, which reminded me clearly how frivolous we all can be when making judgements.

So you can leave (because you don't really want to work in an organization that needs that kind of intervention).

Or you can speak to the co-worker, and try to come up with strategies for fixing shit. It doesn't sound like he's just angry (otherwise management wouldn't have his back), it sounds like he's angry at actual problem. Try to get him focused on the problems that can be fixed (see the Joel test?), not ones that can't (people issues).

Try to get him to focus on the process, not the people.

Or just leave. It's possible he's just an asshole.