Ask HN: Any advice for a programmer who has hit rock bottom?
However, things have been going downhill. I have 10 years of programming experience and I would say I am above average at it. Since the past few weeks, I have grown anxious and fearful of anything that's remotely challenging. So much so that I have started lying to take leave from work. I like my work but cannot muster the courage to do it. I fear letting my team down. I am always afraid and anxious. It's horrible living in fear. Guilt has become a normal feeling. I cannot bear lying to my awesome colleagues. I cannot decide what to study. My programming confidence is taking a hit. Everything looks bleak. I have even thought of giving up and taking a job where I don't have to think much, like an assistant or librarian or low level management associate. It's like I am just waiting to die...
Any advice will help. Thanks HN.
50 comments
[ 3.0 ms ] story [ 105 ms ] threadIn the meantime, I am not sure you have hit rock bottom. Rock bottom is where you realize that there is a way up from here. You are still looking down into an abyss. Still, this might be the point at which you change your life. Start by changing your perspective. Every day, you have taken a step towards where you are now. Were all of those steps fumbles or mistakes or failures? You wouldn't be where you are if that is the case. There is evidence of success. What are those successes? How did you deal with adversity to claim those successes? There is evidence that you have overcome challenges.
From another angle: right now you have a good job and a career and you are depressed. If you take a menial job, you will probably be unsatisfied, broke, and depressed. If there is anything I've learned in this life: No matter where you go, there _you_ are. Still you.
Lastly, start building upon and celebrating little successes starting today. Any little thing will suffice. Every little thing. Do the same tomorrow. Make your way up the chain until you are celebrating success at the scale you want.
Hang in there. You are not alone.
Thanks for your kind words.
It takes time to find the right medication, but if you don't feel better within 2 weeks tell your doctor and they'll give your something. I've had people close to me go through the same thing and it took a while to finally hone in on something that works. I know it must feel like the most hopeless and frustrating situation, but hang in there. Something out there will work, you just need patience.
Just remember that it's not your fault. Good luck.
the alternative is sucking dick and getting butt fucked making license plates for the CIA .
If you find your cognitive abilities are lower than they used to be, don't worry. Those will come back too; but are the last thing to return after getting better.
View your brain as a super computer (which certainly is) and your personality as an operating system which you must hack to get rid of bugs and malwares. You must crack those thought patterns that make you feel miserable and recover the full control of your system, you couldn't even get up on your feet if you had lost all of your willpower.
(I am not saying that you drop medication, just that don't rely on it as the only form of healing).
To feel Ok about programming again, try to have small personal projects which are easy to complete. Find new ways to deal with boring, monotonous and complex tasks at work. Rescue an old hobbie like playing guitar or find a new one.
EDIT:
I see these small buddhist koans as very insightful from a psychological - rather than religious - point of view. Basically mind suffering can only exist if there is an ego to experience it, and if you find that this ego is just a stream of recurrent thought patterns, you realize the absurd of fear and anxiety.
Huike said to Bodhidharma, “My mind is anxious. Please pacify it.” Bodhidharma replied, “Bring me your mind, and I will pacify it.” Huike said, “Although I’ve sought it, I cannot find it.” “There,” Bodhidharma replied, “I have pacified your mind.”
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A Zen student came to Bankei and said: "Master, I have an ungovernable temper -- how can I cure it?" "Show me this temper," said Bankei, "it sounds fascinating." "I haven't got it right now," said the student, "so I can't show it to you." "Well then" said Bankei, "bring it to me when you have it." "But I can't bring it just when I happen to have it," protested the student. "It arises unexpectedly, and I would surely lose it before I got it to you." "In that case," said Bankei, "it cannot be part of your true nature. If it were, you could show it to me at any time. When you were born you did not have it, and your parents did not give it to you -- so it must come into you from the outside.(...)"
Best of luck.
I have a very serious medical condition. As a side effect, it sometimes jacks up my brain chemistry suddenly and very badly. I have spent nearly 15 years working to get a handle on it and I have made substantial progress. I am pretty confident something has changed in your life. You just do not know what it is.
There is research linking diet and depression. The most solid stuff concerns the role that certains fats/oils play and the impact they have on brain inflammation.
Look some of that up. Start a food diary. I have a food blog where I talk some about things like that (and I was a mess the day I wrote my last entry): Http://miceats.blogspot.com
If you email me or leave comments, I would be happy to have feedback or questions and you can shape the direction the blog goes to some degree by giving me some feedback.
Best of luck.
> my other account is quite active on here
1.- STOP READING HN! Go out, read books, do hard work (dig holes, plant trees, etc), sweat! exercise! there's more to life than the latest startups and 'show hn' posts.
2.- watch funny movies Seriously, I had a ritual, every night after work I'd prepare dinner, and watch something funny, every single night. No excuses. This helped a lot.
3.- exercise. Helps with mood. I think this is even better than medicine.
4.- leave HN, there are other things more important.
5.- find a hobby or do something different. I decided to do something bigger: I had enough with my previous career and wasn't happy, So, I entered school again to study a different career 10 years later. This saved me.
6.- it gets better.
7.- Oh, and don't sleep at daytime, keep a schedule, a routine, sleep at night.
8.- Don't play videogames, avoid repetitive stuff: like 3d shooters where you play again and again the same levels.
9.- Again, find a hobby, something that makes you go out.
Drop me an email if you need anything
(I can be presumptuous in saying I know you forgot #10 because it feels like I wrote your list myself...)
healthy food = big pump in better mood!
I won't pretend it's THE answer-- but it can help significantly > http://www.health.harvard.edu/mind-and-mood/exercise-and-dep...
http://lifehacker.com/overcoming-impostor-syndrome-what-to-d...
I don't know you personally, but let me give you my general opinion about solving your problem:
- " I was diagnosed with depression a few years ago and since then have made peace with it" - Don't let other people tell you what you have, even if they have a PhD. What if this guy was wrong? Some doctor told me 10 years ago that I will never be able to walk properly, because knees don't heal. Guess what, it did heal. I run 10 Kilometers for fun every Friday.
- Start exercising. Go for some martial art if you can. Do it at least twice a week.
- Stop with the news. Any kind of news. Read a good long book instead.
- Meet some good friends, and do it often.
- Don't give up to yourself. Don't work at a boring non challenging job. It will rot your soul from the inside. Keep up with the challenging work. You don't have to go over your head, always aim just a bit higher than your comfort zone. If you feel things are too difficult for you at this point, ask your team to go easy for a while. No shame in doing that.
Life is beautiful. Do your best to enjoy your time here.
I recommend that you seek out a psychiatrist. A lot of people don't understand that chronic depression and anxiety are real ailments. They will tell you things like "you're fine, it's just in your head!" Don't listen to these people. They mean well but they are ignorant. Get the help you need.
Feel free to message me.
Good luck to you!
If you can afford it, take some time off.
For what it's worth, my fiance and I have both had a lot of success with Wellbutrin.
I'm not a doctor, but every symptom you listed sounds exactly like depression. Fix that, and you're golden.
Sleep at night. No more late nights, give your brain a rest before bed. Limit your caffeine to the morning - and no naps either. Sleep a full 8 hours, and willingly go to bed early enough that you have an extra hour of leeway in the morning. You'll feel tired until your body adjusts, but it will.
Get some cardio in - go for a run, ride a bike, or swim. Do something to get your heart rate up. Your body will naturally reward you, and will help calm you down mentally. Pay attention to your body, and add more cardio as you can tolerate it.
Keep a day-to-day list of things that you have to accomplish, and update it as part of your morning routine. I would recommend the Bullet Journal method, since that's been working for me. This will help you keep on track and see what you've actually accomplished.
Break down tasks that seem too daunting into smaller portions. Something that may sound simple like deploying an application can be overwhelming until it's broken down into smaller steps. Smaller steps also lead to more frequent wins, which will act as encouragement since you'll get to see progress.
And finally, don't expect to get so many things done per day. Focus on one or two things and work on them. If you add more than that, you'll just compound your stress which will turn into a vicious cycle because you'll constantly feel behind on your work.
Good luck, you're in a spot that plenty of people have been in, including myself, but even if this isn't it, there /is/ a way out.
Also, I get overwhelmed by any task at hand. It starts getting procrastinated. Fear creeps in. Confidence takes a hit.
Go slow, but look into very, very different areas for a potential match. Think about YOU and happiness.
The very best of luck to you, my friend!
THAT'S OKAY. You can do other stuff. You don't have to be a programmer for the rest of your life. You don't. Don't listen to HN people just telling you to take pills and get on with it. Jesus christ.
If you feel like working the same kind of job that is going pretty much nowhere is pointless... IT IS. That's not necessarily depression or some kind of mental illness.