Ask HN: How to find your own people and being around normal people

So,

I am a geek: Programming, computers, tech, discussing things in fine detail, picking wholes in theories and all things around me (not argumentative), reasoning out everything...

Even back in high school, 15yrs ago, I noticed that the above put most people off me. Put off largely by the fact that I thought differently than most people and was fairly creative in the not so normal ways (think gaining access, hacking things etc and not art, music etc)

It's continuing into adult life.. most people just end up thinking i'm odd. I find it difficult to mix with, who I will, call for ease of explanation "non-hackers". It's a pain because to get on socially in life you need to be able to mix with all types, chat about what I would consider nonsensical topics, trash news, sports, weather etc. It get's depressing at times, it's also annoying when I see types being able to have normal conversations >.<

When I do find somebody similarly minded it's great and we can chat about all sorts of stuff for hours. I've never really had the chance to create a group of friends like this.

I have recently moved to a new city with where I have no friends. After about 9 months I have ended up in a cycle of work, home, computer, bed. I haven't made any friends really as I generally find it difficult to fit in with the regular crews of people (probably introvert). I need to find a group of hacker, coder types who'd have no problem breaking out their favourite IDE abd learning a new language over some beers or whatever.

Now don't get me wrong, I don't look like your stereotypical nerd really. I'm trendy, look cool and can chat generally to people in passing but not really engage and make friends.

So my question is. Has anybody ever been in my type of situation before.. how do you find friends who are just like you.. a HN reader?

Does anybody share my dilemma?

chrxn 10y ago ↗

You should find a coding meetup in your town or start a new one. I recently started one here in Salt Lake City, and we've been having a lot of success.

code_Whisperer 10y ago ↗

I've waited to post a response on this because my knee-jerk reaction was "Of course I share your dilemma! I think that a majority of geeky developer-types share this same trait." I figured you'd get a lot of feedback.

But given the paucity of responses, now I am wondering if perhaps you and I are more rare than I thought.

I have ALWAYS felt the way you describe. I also share the same traits... I am reasonably normal/good looking, feel that I can speak somewhat intelligently, am passionate and knowledgeable about my craft. But if you put me in a social setting like a dinner party I am a reclusive wreck. I feel that I am an island in a sea of chatter. Although I find much of the discussion around me banal and pointless, at the same time I covet the ease with which everyone else 'seems' to be able to converse with complete strangers. And if I do try to strike up a conversation, I feel like a fool when I can't seem to keep pointless chatter going (like weather, sports, politics, whatever). However, once I know someone really well I can talk with them all day with relative ease.

Although self-diagnosed, I've always assumed this was what it meant to be an "introvert". Lately I've heard a new term which seems to fit my own personality much better: ambivert.

So here are some suggestions I've found helpful.

- Join a local geeky group that appeals to your interests (e.g. Programming, Astronomy, Brown Coats, Creative Writing, WHATEVER!) If you can't find a geeky group, create one!

- Develop a list of questions (and followups) to ask someone when you first meet them. If you can get someone else talking (and you truly listen to what they're saying) you will find it easier to create that initial conversation. Examples; What do you do in life? How did you get started on that path? How do you know the host? Are you working on on something you're passionate about? Tell me about it! What do you do for fun in [your city]? Read any great books lately that you'd recommend to someone you barely know? What was the worst job you've ever had?

If you create a good list of initial questions (and you LISTEN to what the other person is saying] you will be able to create conversations from thin air. And you'll likely make new friends!

You might also look up "Toastmasters". If there's a Toastmasters club near you that might be a very enlightening experience (www.toastmasters.org)