Ask HN: How do I stop myself being toxic?

Bottom line: You can criticize as long as you wrap it up the 'right' way

"Toxic discussion" seems like an imprecise term that can mean many different things (e.g., insulting people, not letting people finish their sentences, etc.). Maybe you should ask your manager for specific examples of situations that you could have handled better. Of course, you should be careful to ask in a non-confrontational way, making it clear that your aim is to address the problem, not to argue with the allegations.

Out of curiosity, how many times do you use these words: no, don't, always, most of the time, 99% of the time, absolutely, they, sigh, boring.

I strongly disagree with the people advising self-help books on helping one interact with people; I tend to think the later is a kind of prescribed culture bordering on forced. It's possible to be a decent human being and co-worker (and apparently has been, if you allow that people are decent) without reading self-help books and fitting in to other people's model of 'polite' and 'pleasant'.

I am toxic myself and I also have problems with it. So I try to constantly "monitor" what I am saying and how I am feeling. Sometimes it just helps to say to yourself "stop, don't overreact" and to force yourself to calm down. Sometimes we make situation out of no situation.

b) http://www.theregister.co.uk/2012/03/21/how_to_get_paid_more... -- read this

c) It's fine to say no, or it's wrong, or whatever, but always have a positive and enthusiastic solution for whatever's wrong. Being blocked by a bureaucratic organization? Have a work-around that you offer straight away!

As general advice though, I think if you like your job and want to stay there and be in good standing with those around you it's extremely important to learn the culture of that workplace and adapt to it. If you're getting feedback that you are being toxic, and it's not just from one person who doesn't like what you're saying but really is a clash between you and the culture, then you need to listen to that feedback and reign your personality in.

You can vent to friends and family outside of work. And if you really don't like it, you can always find another job that is a better fit for you.

Well, I'm happy to oblige:

Your work place is toxic.

Apart from this, here are a few things to watch yourself for:

  * sarcasm & cynicism
  * passive aggressive behavior
  * insults
  * loving proving others wrong and making them look bad
  * loudness / brashness

If it's you, then you are not happy and you are not as effective as you could be. You are no longer a good fit for the position. This sounds negative towards you, but it's not. It just means that you need to find a place that you like more.

This happened to me a couple of years ago. I worked with a group of people for almost 15 years at different organizations. Towards the end, I was negative all the time about the company we currently worked at. I wanted to stay, because they were all my friends, and we had been through so many struggles together that I couldn't imagine working with them (layoffs, bankruptcies, buyouts, etc.) I had no idea how unhappy I was until I finally quit and found another job. I miss the people there quite often, but now I know I would never go back to that place. I would never have accomplished what I have if I stayed there.

You mentioned that you have no qualms speaking your mind about faults of other departments, but is it possible that this kind of blunt communication is creating political problems for your managers and coworkers?

When you make vocal statements about an another department, you're seen as representing your department and your boss in those statements. That may not be what your boss wants to be publicly associated with.

In technical problem solving, it's easy to make a very easy read of problems and state them clearly, but in an organization they're seen as accusations and criticism. Often, there are strong defensive reactions from being called out and they can start a chain reaction: another department withdraws support or resources, or escalates their complaint which then comes down on your boss.

In your case "toxic" seems to be that pointing out negative things about the organization too often or too bluntly might lead to colleagues becoming less motivated and less attached. So the "simple" way out would be to reduce your remarks about the flaws of the organization or to state them in a less blunt or confrontational manner.

Of course, what is being considered toxic will differ from one company to the next but also from one country to the other. Germans and Dutch are known for being very honest and direct whereas most other cultures prefer a less confrontational attitude.

Definitely get more information before you go accepting blame for something that might well be a smoke screen.

http://randsinrepose.com/archives/a-toxic-paradox/

However the end advice might not be very comforting.

Is the first time you're getting this feedback is at the performance review? If so, then one thing you could do going forward is ask your manager to give more timely feedback. It's perfectly reasonable to tell them that you want to improve (clearly you do, since you're posting here!) and to give you feedback right when they observe "toxic behavior" rather than waiting for the annual review.

Things that I have observed that I myself would call toxic:

1. Snark. All the time. In your case, snark about the slow-moving bureaucracy. The question to ask is, when engaging in a conversation, what do you really expect the outcome to be? If you're complaining about the slow-moving IT department, is there really a purpose rather than venting?

2. Truth be told, when I work with people who are snarky/negative/critical all the time (which, again, is my assumption of what management means by "toxic"), it really does bring the rest of the team down. People spend time gossiping and being more negative themselves. It breeds a team who continually complains, rather than people who identify problems and actively try to come up with solutions to make things better. Be honest - which camp do you see yourself in?

3. Is there a better venue to bring up issues than with co-workers? Bringing up complaints in a 1-1 with a manager will reflect better on you than venting to co-workers.

Everybody knows that the team is less productive because of bureaucracy, so complaining doesn't help. Consider asking "why is this central IT body here in the first place?" and seeing if you can help come up with solutions which fit.

And, at the end of the day, the business has made a decision that they are "okay" with development moving - and people being blocked - with their current policies. In a sense, that is perfectly valid decision for them to make, and if they want to pay you to wait around for them then that is the company's burden.

This is a classic book that you can finish in one night. If you don't like reading there's an audiobook version as well. It's also recommended by pg and yc

http://www.audible.com/pd/Business/How-to-Win-Friends-Influe...

https://www.amazon.com/How-Win-Friends-Influence-People/dp/0...

My general attitude has helped me in dealing with all kinds of people. Try to figure out what kind of person it is you are talking to before you say anything drastic. Some people are open and enjoy heated discussions, others (most of the people) are actually insecure about themselves and cannot be confronted head on.

Empathy is key to making yourself appear friendly even if you are disgusted by the other person. Toxicity is inherently subjective and it doesn't matter so much what you say but how you say it.

I might tell you the work you are doing is crap because reasons. Or I might engage in a brief how-are-you-doing and mention it as a sidenote that I've seen something that looked unfortunate and then ask about YOUR opinion on it and guide the conversation with subtle questions in such a way that you see the problem yourself.

Often in bureaucratic environments, when something got stuck, I did not try to tell them what to do or how to do their job. Rather, I would give them the credit of being the "expert" in their field and ask them for advice for my situation. People are way more willing to help you if the idea came from them and they immediately like you if you show them respect for the work they do (that is especially true for hard working but overlooked people, e.g. secretaries, cleaning personnel, etc.).

Also, in order to not appear toxic, understand your colleagues' characters, admit mistakes in communication and tell them you are sorry if there was a problem, address them with respect and DO NOT push them into a corner. NEVER become overly defensive or aggressive, ALWAYS be prepared to let someone make decisions which you wouldn't do while maintaining your friendliness.

I see it as a kind of diplomacy. As long as you are not the boss, it is not your call to decide who does what. If there's a real problem with a person on your team, your boss should already be aware of it and he should be dealing with it without you having to tell them. If your boss doesn't know the people on his team, then you have an entirely different problem.

* The goal of a discussion is an agreement everyone is comfortable with, and not proving that you are right - even if you are right.

* Really listen to what your colleagues say. If what they say sounds stupid, it may be because you don't understand what they're saying, or that you don't know as much as you think you do about the problem domain

* If a wrong decision was made when you advised against it, don't go back and point it out. People will remember, you saying "I told you so" makes you seem like a dick

* If you do something good, don't boast, just allow people to notice

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