Ask HN: Bald men and depression
I am posting here anonymously. Has any of you suffered from early age baldness? I have been losing my hair since 17 and finally at the age of 29 I decided to shave it off. I am 30 now. One thing that has always made me depressed is lack of dating or relationships.
I never had girlfriend. Finding GF/wife is turning out to be incredibly difficult, especially if you are Indian. I am fearing that I might have mild depression.
I had suicidal thoughts a year back but after an overseas trip that is not happening anymore. I don't want to see psychiatrist for the fear of having that kind of permanent medical record.
I posted to reddit but its usual lift and get fit reply. I am already fit, if not ripped. I weight 150lbs with 5'7" as height. I do mild workout at least 3 days a week.
There have been numerous discussion about just own it and be confident. But, generic statement of be confident does not help. I know I shouldn't compare but almost everyone I know in my age group is married or having kids.
I was software engineer and to a large degree still an introvert. I know how to communicate once I start talking. I literally have seen zero response from women of age 22 to 30. Many girls from matrimonial sites have also rejected me. In US, I am having hard time meeting anyone new. I literally get no response from dating sites CMB, Tinder, OkC.
Have any of you suffered from young age baldness? How did you cope with it and meet your partner?
11 comments
[ 2.4 ms ] story [ 36.0 ms ] threadEarly baldness is not bad that much I know a lot of successful people who are bald. Some of my best friends have this problem as well, but they are happy and never complaint about it.
And I know some people who never had gf up to 40, and after that they got married.
These two issues you've mentioned might not related to each other at all. Baldness is congenital or hereditary, while being single is related to your personality and your life style.
I think for finding a girl you need to increase the chance of meeting someone in real life instead using websites and applications and also you need to learn about girls (put away all the logics you know )
Remember : If you want something you never had You have to do something you've never done.
Good luck.
Good luck.
Step 1: Stop trying to be in a relationship. It sounds counter intuitive but really stop trying. Get off dating sites too. You are single, accept this. Really and truly accept this. Don't hide it, don't be embarrassed by it. Yes...own it. Keep reading.
Step 2: Start going out to more social events and have a good time. Join a social meetup.com group for Photography, hiking or even just a happy hour group. Be yourself, be relaxed, talk to everyone, don't try hard to be funny, just try to have fun with the people around you. Try new things that you never had an interest in before.
When meeting new people try to avoid the "What do you do / Where are you from" conversation. Not saying this line of conversation is all bad, but actively seek out something a bit more interesting to start out with. Talk about the news, the weather, the new iPhone, your love of dogs, your weekend. Keep switching topic themes until you hit on something that the other person really gets into. Think of conversation like a metal detector...you keep swooping around and you get faint pings back. As you get closer to real treasure your focus in on that area.
Step 3: Learn to flirt appropriately. This takes practice and you'll probably mess it up...You're probably already messing it up, don't worry you'll always mess it up sometimes. If you find a manual online for how to do it, just ignore it. Everyone is different: different personalities, different pasts, different sense of humor. Once again just like the metal detector metaphor, just keep swooping until you find whatever works. In general you want to make it clear that "I'm into you".
Don't always feel the need to rush to this right though. Sometimes you can start flirting right off the bat, sometimes you'll know someone for a while before the moment is right. Use your best intuition.
Step 4: Eventually you and someone else will hit it off. Ask them out. Just do it. Worst they can say is no. If they do say no: take it in, yes it might hurt a little, scar the ego. Think of it like applying to a job. Sometimes you just get a no. Move on. You want a response along the lines of "Fuck yeah! Let's do it" instead of trying to convince someone to do something with you.
Also if you think you've hit it off with someone, don't push too hard and come off as desperate. Don't take it personally if they just fade away. There are so many reasons why they may not want to go out with you: They may be still getting over a previous relationship, they may have some family issues which takes priority, they could just have gotten busy at work, might be moving soon, you might remind them of their dad, you might remind them of someone with whom they have a negative memory of or a whole other range of reasons. All of which have nothing to do with you.
Step 5: Keep taking care of yourself. Dress in a smart and modern way. Note: I don't mean go buy a new wardrobe, but do take a hard look to see that you're not dressing like a complete slob. Ask a close friend for feedback or check out /r/malefashionadvice.
Hope this helps.
He has no hair but I'm sure women love him.
You might say that he's a special case. Nope, he just happens to be on TV.
The reality of life is that we are attracted to confident people. People that seem to know who they are and how to move forward in life. We move through life with blinders. We really don't know what the next minute will bring. We think we do but the reality is that we don't. We admire those that do. The secret is that they don't know either they just fake it or trick themselves into it. Being timid is part of one's personality but don't expect people to admire you for it.
I hear all the time that women are different from men. In someways yes but at a deeper level we are all the same, there are certain characteristics we find attractive in men and women.
Kevin Bull does it by being in the best physical shape possible but as soon you see him you know it. What you need is a way to increase your confidence. Getting physically fit is part of it. Being around people is hard for some people, educate yourself on things other people find interesting, sports, music, films, whatever, just make sure you do it. By the way telling people what the best way to implement an algorithm in C or Python will not help. Stay away from the deep valley of tech. Be self aware, try to understand when you are being annoying.
Best thing you can do is to find a few books that deal with the matter and follow them. You can also find someone you find really attractive and breakdown why you find that person attractive and use them as a role model to copy.
Dating is a numbers game the more you do it the easier it gets. Rejection is part of it. My advice is to feel happy when you get rejected. I challenge you to get rejected 30 times in the next 30 days. I bet you can beat that. Do it in real life. Doing it online doesn't give you enough feedback.
Your problem is not that you're bald. Your problem and many others in this world is that you don't have the needed confidence and that can be fixed. You need to find out how to do it. There are no simple 1 minute answers. Please take the time to understand that and how to change it.
The point being: having or not having hair, muscles, big tits, big penis, beautiful hair, a high IQ, wide shoulders, a quick sense of humor, a lovely accent, a big car, a sexy startup, a cool job description, or whatever, are only proxies for "perceived self[1]-value", that one can use to either gain or lose confidence in him/herself. This is happening right now in your head, and it is a positive-gain feedback loop that's harming you. You need to identify it as such and find ways to cut that loop. Being unable to relate to the other sex is just a consequence of that destructive loop, not the actual source of it.
[1] Mind you that the rest of the people don't evaluate such factors to the same values as you, and don't place the same weighting on them.
I want to preface that we're pretty similar, i'm 5'7, I weigh 175 (Beer Gut) and i'm of asian ethnicity. I have hair, but i've done the shaved head because its cheap and easy to maintain, so again we're on even footing. Lastly, what I have really going against me is I have really poor eyesight, I wear big thick glasses and I can't even drive because of my eyesight (Thank god for Uber and public transporttion). So regardless of all this, I was still getting dates on OkC, and I was literally filtering women in a 2 mile radius from my house (because again, I can't drive).
You're going to hear the same set of advice over and over; be yourself, looks don't matter, etc etc, and really it is true, once you understand one crucial thing.
You have to love yourself. This is probably the biggest thing I had to learn on my own. I had desperately wanted companionship all my teenage life and was doing everything I can to get into relationships. From reading PUA and seduction, to going out on weekends trying to pickup girls, everything was a failure.
At some point though in my late 20's, I woke up one day and realized I needed to change my life. Einstein has a quote that goes something like "Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result". I kept repeating the same things, and I didn't change the real fundamental problem, I wasn't happy, and mainly I wasn't happy with myself. So I started working on myself and worked on things that improved my mood and lifestyle. I was actually working retail jobs until the age of 27 when I graduated from College, my stupid Business Admin degree led to minimum wage startup jobs, but I was able to learn quick and got promotions and raises allowing me to gain independence. Then I started focusing on taking care of myself properly, annual doctor visits, Brushing my teeth everyday, etc. Anything that can make my life positive, I tried to incorporate.
Once I was happy where I was in life, online dating became much much easier. I was able to write a better profile and my messages to women were light hearted and had no expectations behind them. I was in love with me and me only and was allowing the chance for other people to see how great I am. From there I got a GF and now i'm planning to propose to her in the next year.
So just remember, things will get better, but you HAVE to put in the work to get there, nothing in life is given to you, you have to earn it and once you earn that you learn to respect it and love it and cherish it.
And I know people say get fit etc, but I would second it. I lift heavy but it doesn't have to do that. Do a "proper" martial art - BJJ, boxing, kickboxing etc, climb - basically do something that a lot of other people can't or won't do. The confidence that will give you will definitely help in finding someone.
The other benefit from lifting heavy is an increase in testosterone. [1]
Also a self-help book like [2] might help as well.
[1] http://www.artofmanliness.com/2013/01/18/how-to-increase-tes...
[2] http://foxcabane.com/book/
Your hair status does not define you.
Get in shape (it'll act as a keystone habit and enabler). Work on everything else. Fake being confident (but not cocky) until you are confident. You'll do fine with the ladies.
Talk to women without an agenda for a relationship. You are focused on the moment, not some arbitrary goal. If you hit it off, a real conversation will start. If you really hit it off it will be obvious and natural to give your phone number.
Talking without an agenda.
Then he decided to shave his head off completely. Then he started lifting and getting into shape and a few years later had a ripped body that many with a full crop of hair would die for.
He tells me "having hair on my head for this body won't work."
I guess he channeled energy into something he could fix about his looks.
I'm very proud of him.