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Made a huge mistake. Constantly depressed, anxious, and suicidal

16 points by needHelp124 ↗ HN
Ok, I'm literally shaking typing this out, but I need to know there is some sort of hope.

I need to give some background information.

I started getting my Computer Science degree back in 2005. I want away for college and was doing pretty well for the first year or so. The second year I started to fail some classes and came back and enrolled at my local university back in the Bay Area. Since I was doing so bad in school, I decided to focus on my side project that were more exciting. While working on these side project I continued to fail my classes, especially the higher upper division CS classes (algorithm, data structures, Object Oriented Design). I just couldn't get through them, and at the time my attitude was "why are these important?".

19 comments

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danielvf
What was the mistake?
needHelp124
Sorry, reposting. Made a mistake in the submission.
dorongrinstein
First, take a deep breath. The sky is not falling. You know more about programming than 99% of humans. Relax.

Think of an app or service idea that will help people and make you money.

The only thing you need to do is this. Then, once you figure it out, figure out how to build it, or have others help you build it.

This will take care of your income. Stop with worrying about letting your parents down or getting your ego bruised.

Everything will be ok. You sound like you're dealing with a mental illness. There are millions and millions of people with similar issues. It is not the end of the world. You can cope and thrive despite it. Eat healthy, exercise, start loving yourself and giving thanks to the universe and anyone you can. If you read these words know that if you follow these simple steps you'll be better than ok.

I'm rooting for you. D

danielvf
On the bright side:

1) You can write code that ships. 2) You can hold down a job. 3) You have at least one friend who is willing to let you sleep on their couch.

Sure you've done some stupid stuff, but that's in the past. Just save some money next time. :)

And your worth as a hunan has nothing to do with being able to implement a splay tree blindfolded.

ocdtrekkie
And a lot of people have a lot less than $2,000 to their name! It's more than enough to help you get started with wherever you go from here.
guessmyname
WHAT TO DO IF YOU NEED HELP [1]:

Crisis Text Line provides free assistance to anyone who texts "help" to 741-741.

If you prefer to talk on the phone, N.I.H. recommends the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-TALK (8255).

[1] https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=11550822

manglav
Have hope. Went through a similar experience. There's nothing wrong with retreating and regrouping at home. Set manageable goals, like getting out of bed before noon and eating two meals a day. Work your way up slowly. See a therapist who specialises in solutions based therapy.

Life is an experience. You've experienced the shitty part. You also deserve to experience the good parts. I told myself all the time "I want to see my potential". You should at least see yours, right?

fagnerbrack
“Let me tell you something you already know. The world ain't all sunshine and rainbows. It's a very mean and nasty place and I don't care how tough you are it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain't about how hard ya hit. It's about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward. How much you can take and keep moving forward. That's how winning is done!”

― Sylvester Stallone, Rocky Balboa

wsc981
I'm from Europe, so perhaps not comparable. Not sure.

Either way, I never finished my studies and didn't really regret it. It's easy enough to get a job as developer without a degree and eventually your completed projects become more important anyway for prospective employers.

These days I am a freelance mobile dev and I seem to be a little bit better than average at least, but by no means a genius. I can find employment very easy. Through freelance work I managed to make nice savings. These savings have allowed me to work full-time on my side projects for the last half year or so from Thailand. When money runs out, I'll be back in Holland as freelancer. Certainly I enjoy my life and I don't think I missed out by not having a degree, but YMMV.

I think if you keep your skills up to date, and finish some side projects, you'd have an easy time finding a job. With or without a degree.

illwrks
I signed up to comment...

As someone who has watched a colleague make some similar unplanned decisions (who is now doing absolutely fine with his career) I will say that your on the bell curve of life. You worked your way up to the top and now your down the bottom on the other side, like all trends you can only go one way and that is up.

sparklesunshine
Please call the police, a suicide hotline, a friend or family member and talk to them about how you're feeling. You won't get the help you need online.

Hope you feel better soon.

atsaloli
I never finished college. If it's not important to, it's not important. You know what's important to you. I'm confident you can recover from this. Do the kind of work that makes you happy. Find things you enjoy.
nicholas73
I don't see a mistake. In the real world, success is not guaranteed from effort. College is just the beginning for finding that out. Thomas Edison would say that he didn't fail, he just discovered 99 ways that don't work.

You discovered that you like creating apps and businesses, and don't care much for CS theory. Great! That means you won't waste more years on it.

Unlike you, I wasn't so fortunate as to fail my classes early in a major I didn't enjoy. I even ended up getting a Masters in it. Now I'm much older than you and creating apps.

See what I'm getting at? Failure might actually be success.

nicholas73
The other thing is that in the long run nobody cares how you did in college. No employer is going to dig up whether you failed some classes. Doors do not permanently close.

Only you care that you failed some classes, and most of that is probably fearing what others might think of you. Your parents might be having a cow.

But I'm telling you, none of that matters. You are not a bad person for failing. You didn't lose anything by failing. You have a long life ahead of you to make something of yourself, so don't worry about rushing it. You can either take another shot at CS, study something else, or keep going with apps. That's a pretty good situation to be in as far as the world goes.

Like the Beatles song goes, let it be. If it wasn't meant to be, let it be. You didn't lose anything. Actually, you gained a whole lot by trying, because you gained information on where else to start focusing your energy.

It's like asking a girl out. It doesn't matter if she says no; you learn and next time you're closer to getting yes. It's the people who never ask that struggle. You tried and are getting stronger.

Like I said, I wish I failed earlier. Now I have to fail 10 years later.

meric 

    "my ego is taking a big hit"
Your ego, your wants, your desires, how others see you, how you see others, is all an illusion, a covering.

You are a spark of light, like every other.

You wear this ego like clothes.

Your dying ego would take your spark of light within it, than to die alone.

My ego is also an illusion.

A spark of light resides within me.

My ego is also a covering.

I have a 6 figure job. I have good friends. I'm good with my family. I have lots of savings.

But none of these things matter.

I can be homeless, and be just as satisfied.

All it matters is, I know there's a spark of light inside me.

A spark of light identical to yours.

Let your ego die, let the spark of light shine through.

For you are not your ego.

Your ego is dying, and I can see you so clearly.

Light is here, and ego is there.

Build a new ego. This time, it's not your master.

It is your slave.

You have $2000 more dollars than every other homeless person on the street.

Your ego waits for your command.

What will it do to safeguard the spark of light?