Ask HN: Are you happy, well-rounded? (dealing w/ depression/lack of motivation)

I'm also mid 20s, and feel about the same. You should discuss with your girlfriend, what kind of life you two wanted to live. Plan carefully, and don't think too much, it will stress you instead.

I have felt something similar in the last few months, and have been feeling the repercussions since then. Everything around me in my life was wonderful, in fact it was the best it's ever been. Deeply in love, working at a highly paid highly skilled job, enjoying my free time and continuing to improve my living situation. However, I felt a sincere lack of motivation and my results had started to decline.

Recently I have gotten back on track. What assisted me in that process was: 1. Talking about my feelings and listening to the life experience of my partner. This is humbling. You are not alone. 2. Getting back to the gym. This was a huge motivating force, getting your blood pumping makes you feel alive and is the quickest way to get to where you want to be. I also changed my diet (no more coffee, alcohol, junk food). This takes self discipline. 3. Lastly I remembered to have fun. The most stressful times for me was when I forgot to do the things that made me happy. Celebration is another part of being alive.

First off -- addressing: "Some people say this is what entering adulthood's like, but everyone around me seems to be perfectly fine." Have you spoken to others publicly in this same manner that you have privately, behind your username? Just because people don't talk about it publicly -- like you didn't; doesn't mean people don't feel the same way.

You didn't give any useful information about what you could do; you must have some hobbies or activities that you enjoy doing and one of those must be able to provide you with some money to live off of -- even if it be humbly.

In the end you have to make your decisions on what you know now and if need be you can always educate yourself to make a more informed decision.

Try living in the present and not stressing out about the future or past... I recommend you read (or better yet listen to the audio book version) Ekhart Tolle's "The Power of Now". From the Amazon description: "the author describes his transition from despair to self-realization soon after his 29th birthday."

I've known a lot of people like this -- a lot of them young, and some of them much older. Some people seem to just have a lot of drive and always too many ideas about what they want to do, and others don't have much of any at all. I've never been that way, so I can't really relate.

But, I have seen that nobody else can really seem to tell someone how to live, or what to do, or how to be motivated. That part is all up to you; I could say, "go backpacking for a week", because that's what I do to clear my mind and re-focus, but that's something that works for me and probably would have no impact on you.

You're looking to everyone around you for some advice that can only come from within yourself. You're the only person that can decide what you want your life to look like.

Try this:

http://www.stevepavlina.com/blog/2005/01/how-to-discover-you...

Most adults go through something like this. You start to realize you're not as successful/confident/responsible/etc. as you thought you'd be by now, and you kinda freak out about it.

Losing motivation and feeling lost -- just about everyone I know has been there both personally and professionally at least once in their mid-20s. Seeing a psychologist might be good, but if I could give you a word of advice, I'd just tell you to start expressing bits and pieces of these feelings to others you trust. Chances are, everyone else has dealt with or is dealing with similar issues and will know what to say about your specific situation and personality.

I wish you lots of luck in your "striving to be self-actualized," as you put it, and I truly wish you happiness! Being ambitious is tough; the flip side of that coin is never being satisfied. Sounds to me like you have a little bit of both going on.

im in the same fucking situation dude, and i have no fucking clue what the fuck to do.

Step away if you can - take a trip, do something unrelated to anything you usually do - give yourself some space to clear your head and maybe you'll see what it is you really want.

You may joke about the phrase 'quarter life crisis', but that's what it feels like for me as well. I've found some peace of mind from letting things evolve over time instead of putting my all into a project/goal/relationship/whatever and then becoming frustrated when it doesn't succeed when and how I want it to. Eating well, exercising, and meditating also helped me feel more positive.

I hope you get back into the groove soon. Just stick at it, and eventually you'll get there. Hopefully we all will. :)

I have always been in a different boat (I'm 32 now). I always knew precisely what I wanted to do, and knew it would be something nontrivial and...transcendent I suppose is the word. Life always stops me, whether it's work, money or relationships. You may have think of the future, how you want it to be, think of things like solar powered bikes you can ride for free forever, or computers writing their own programs, or imaginative ways of meeting other people whose dreams exceed even your own vast expectations, to find your own path. Maybe those are just things I'm interested in. But I know that the world as it exists right now at this moment is so profoundly underwhelming that it can't be the basis of my own enlightenment. Although HN has sure blown my mind this last year.

Same situation as you, also in my mid-20s. Neuroticism seems to go hand-in-hand with high-IQ, introverted people. Just don't let that potential instability build-up into extreme actions that you might regret later...and perpetuate that vicious cycle of self-critique.

I started to go through this a few years ago and I'm slowly recovering from it (I'm 28 now).

The experience cost me my marriage (although that may have been a good thing, looking back on it) but it also cost me a lot in terms of opportunity cost.

You could write a book on this subject but my advice in a nutshell is to find a therapist. If you are like me (and most HN'ers) - highly logic brained - then it can be hard to grasp by yourself the mixed emotions you are feeling in sidw. If, like me, you are really only surrounded by loads of other geek logic brained folk, then there can be few people to really talk this stuff through with - which is why I found informal therapy (counseling, not heavy going psychotherapy) useful rather than chatting with friends, etc.

I worked with my therapist on getting beyond my logic-orientated rationalization thinking and getting a much better understanding of who I am and what I want.

If the original poster wants to drop me an email to chat more, I'd be delighted to talk more.

I hope this article can help you.

http://artofmanliness.com/2010/04/06/modern-maturity-create-...

Typically, when I edge down this path, I de-clutter my life. Stuff weighs you down more than anything else, and it's a constant drain on your energy and money. Stop doing things that are unnecessary, get rid of some stuff you don't / won't use, and generally purge your life of everything that really doesn't matter. It'll free up a lot of free time, and likely money-pressure too.

Once you've got that, take your new-found free time, and do some experimenting / soul-searching. Odds are you "know" what you want, you just don't "know" it. And if you don't, maybe you'll discover it. Take each day as it comes, and don't re-clutter until you've figured things out.

I've also found that music typically helps me a lot, so I make sure to get some frequently. And no, everyone is not handling it "just fine". Everyone struggles at some point, you may just be hitting it earlier / later than those around you. Or they're just hiding it, which is likely more harmful than seeking help, so congratulations. You're already part-way down the correct road.

edit: mimicing what edkennedy says, I've also found that decent exercise and good food are very important. Food's extremely responsible for well-being, but it's easy to devalue.

I've been dealing with what you describe for most of my life, and I've been actively attacking it for the past fifteen years.

If I had one thing I could get across to anyone, it's that happiness is a state of mind and a habit, not the result of outside factors. You choose to be happy or unhappy. It's all in your head, although it's a good idea to adjust your environment to ensure happiness. Exercise, happy entertainment, and happy friends all help.

I refuse to accept that adulthood is about acknowledging limits and settling into a static and subtlety unsatisfying existence. I believe I only have one life to live, and I refuse to waste it. I want to add value to the world, and I am frothing at the mouth to do so. That's what I believe being an adult is -- accepting responsibility for my own life, acknowledging the values of other's lives, and then doing my best to add as much value to the world as possible.

As for your fear of making real decisions about where to live, your uncertainty about what will make you happy... Risk is an essential element of being alive. Very few choices are reversible; you don't have kids. Make some bold choices, make some stupid choices, but be alive. Move somewhere and take a weird job. Try a start up. Take a chance at something, anything. That's what being alive is.

Realize that everything ends up working out in the end, give yourself a kick in the ass, and go have a life that fucking matters.

Good luck.

Well, if you're feeling depressed, I can only tell you about something that helped me: Dr. Martin Seligman's book "Learned Optimism." I wrote a little about my perspective on it about a year ago:

http://github.com/raganwald/homoiconic/blob/master/2009-05-0...

I'm sorry that isn't a grand, unified answer to everything, but if it helps you even a little I would be delighted.

You have to be careful with something like this because you might be clinically depressed.

I developed anxiety and depression when I was in college. Part of that was a feeling I wasn't achieving anything of note, or learning anything worthwhile. I had thought undergraduate education would be a splendid ivory tower, but it turned out most of my peers did not prioritize a sense of adventurous learning or a delight in knowledge. I learned a mismatch between reality and expectations can drive you, but also cripple you if it is to great.

I think your decision to see a psychologist is a good one. I saw a psychiatrist and it helped me recover and develop a functioning and enjoyable life. Also, make sure it's a psychologist you work well with. Don't settle for one that you don't work well with.

Also, it is difficult to know if a decision will make us happy in advance. We can develop a feeling of knowing in advance, but it's not always there to guide us.

A lot of people will say, exercise, go to therapy, take a vacation. The thing to remember is that you are unique and your solutions will be unique. And that you are not alone. We all get lost.

I went through this a couple of years ago. I got out of grad school, and started my postdoc. For the previous 8 years (undergrad + grad school), I had a well defined track: grad school -> PhD -> postdoc -> research professor -> tenure. During my postdoc, I realized I didn't like a great deal of the day to day work of academia: teaching, writing papers, applying for grants, hyping your work. The job I succeeded in getting was not the job I thought it was. I went through the exact stage of uncertainty you are describing.

Then I decided to forget about a long term plan and focus on day to day living. I took up Eskrima (Filipino martial arts), something I wanted to do for a long time. I broke up with my long term girlfriend and decided to leave the academic track. I still don't know where I want to live or what I want to be doing (in the long term), but I don't need to know that.

Yesterday I went for a run (my first this year). I found a new job (trader at a hedge fund) which I enjoy day to day. Most tuesday nights I fight with sticks. I drink more beer, am in better physical shape and am simply happier. I don't have the answers to your big questions (where to live, what to do), but I don't need answers.

So, my suggestion: don't worry about the future, focus on things right now.

Great question and the fact that you are coming here to seek help is a great sign, I'd say.

I'm in a different situation: 22, dropped out of school to start a company, etc. But, I have committed myself to developing a satisfying general lifestyle (getting there) so, maybe there are some overlaps.

Here are some thoughts:

1. In the moments when I feel most stuck and unmotivated it is usually because there is something looming over me that I "have to do."

It's taken time, but developing the mindset that I truly do not _have to_ do anything has allowed me actually drop the anxiety and become truly excited about my work.

What are your expectations about what you _should be_ doing? Maybe if you ease up on them, you'll find a new wave of motivation along a new path.

2. It sounds to me like you, more than anything, need some exploration in your life. But, you are afraid of the risks.

My suggestion here is to take time to define clearly what you are afraid of, what the worst case scenarios are and how to sidestep them.

Additionally, lighten physical and mental load. Can you and your girlfriend sell the bulk of your stuff, tie down any loose ends and explore the World without making any living commitments for a few months?

3. Set small challenges daily (2-3), write them down every morning along with the very specific next action that you need to do to get the ball rolling.

When you complete all your challenges, put a big red x on the calendar. With each challenge, you will feel better and better and as the red X's grow, it will be clear how much you've accomplished.

(Someone else suggested exercise, that is a great daily challenge.)

4. I write ~1600 words daily in MacJournal, just a total brain dump. I don't worry about spelling, grammar or paragraphs I just type. I very rarely go back and read old ones.

Somehow, just the act of typing through my thoughts, getting them out and throwing them around has had an incredible impact on my mood, motivation, etc. I feel like my own therapist.

5. I think Steve Pavlina's book, Personal Development for Smart People, is one of the most complete and impactful books on improving your lifestyle. In particular, there are some great thoughts on finding your purpose on life. Highly recommended.

Again, props to you for grappling with these emotions and talking about them publicly. Keep exploring them with others.

Feel free to get in touch with me to discuss more, I'd love to hear how things pan out!

I struggled with a something very similar (complete inability to work, not knowing what makes me happy), a few things I learned seem relevant: 1) Don't assume what other people are thinking or feeling (about anything, but in this case, many other people do go through similar things) 2) Happiness and fulfillment has a lot to do with expectations (intrinsic as well as external). Understand what those are and where they come from. 3) Talk to people, read, and if that's not enough, get help (seems like you're doing that). You'll probably learn something about yourself.

I can recommend "The Feeling Good Handbook" by David Burns (Stanford), which is about cognitive therapy [also described in other places]. It may not be exactly accurate for your situation, and those types of books may sound silly (I thought so before reading it), but I've found some of the techniques useful.

(apologies in advance if someone else already mentioned this ... i haven't read any of the replies yet)

i would recommend thinking intensely about ways you can serve others (not just your girlfriend or immediate family, but strangers in your community and even beyond). volunteering at local non-profits, hospitals, or other organizations where you can directly impact people's lives might be able to mitigate this quarter-life crisis of yours. and by volunteering, i don't mean volunteering to make a website or install Linux for your local organization ... i mean doing something in person to directly interact with people in a helpful way. if you can selflessly give your time and energy to directly helping others without expecting anything in return, then you might be able to expand your mental horizons and get 'un-stuck' from this local minimum that your current mood is on.