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Ask HN: Books on how to "influence" people?

8 points by sayhello ↗ HN
For most entrepreneurs, influencing others is an important skill.

Knowing the correct people, increasing the opportunities to meet them etc are also a part, but what I'd like to know is on a lower level:

What do you do to:

* Influence decisions

* Persuade

* Instill "confidence"

etc...

Would you know of any good books on the topic?

Clarification edit:

I totally agree with comments below, its not about manipulating others, but becoming better.

What I intended to ask is more about how to present yourself to more business focus people who might be less forgiving on how typical hackers behave/look like.

For instance, trying to make a deal with a complete non-techy, they are much more conservative on business ideas and expect a more "traditional" take on doing business.

Is enthusiasm and genuineness enough?

12 comments

[ 2.7 ms ] story [ 50.0 ms ] thread
jacquesm
If you get knowledge like this from books beware of coming across as a fake. If your knowledge is good and you're a genuine (as opposed to fake) person then over time you will gain influence, based on your track record and your personality.

Fast tracking it by reading a book is not really a solution here.

The classic book that literally is called 'how to win friends and influence people' ( http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/How_to_Win_Friends_and_Influenc... ), in spite of being an all time best seller is a book whose readers you can spot from about a mile away but it has a dedicated following.

Excel at what you do and be genuine and nice to people and you'll go very far without needing any books that turn you in to just another glib talker.

eru
If you are going to read 'how to win friends and influence people', be sure to get one of the earlier non-political correct versions. It's a book worth reading, but of course you should apply your mind and not follow it slavishly.

By the way, the parent post's advise is more than compatible with that book.

sayhello
I've heard of the Dale Carnegie book and other similar ones like them. Its not exactly what I'm looking for.

I like to think I'm an OK guy and I am usually genuinely interested in people... however, I'm quite the geek and sometimes lack empathy.

For my current company, I'm going out and meeting a lot of non-tech people, and to tell you the truth, I think the approach needs to be different.

For instance, I think my usual geek garb of a witty t-shit and jeans does not cut it with the people I'm going to have to meet very soon.

I feel like I'm going to jump in a sea of sharks and I need to learn some sea kung fu

chwahoo
In defense of "How to win friends and influence people", its title makes it sound more manipulative than it is. (Relatedly, it may not be the book the original poster is looking for.)

Way back when I read it, I hadn't given thought to all the issues it addresses and it really opened my eyes. Maybe you can spot people that try to apply it as a tool "from a mile away" - however, I suspect it is a best seller because it has helped nudge lots of people towards having more positive interactions with others. I don't remember much phoney-ness in the book, although I could imagine phoney people applying its advice poorly.

foenix
I'm currently giving this book a first reading. From a Cognitive standpoint, I can understand how the author wants people to start putting themselves in other's shoes. It's a great piece of advice all-around, but when used insincerely, it can be very manipulative.
Mz
Work on yourself. Influence has to come from something genuine: real competence, real respect for other people, etc. All that other stuff is merely manipulation and manipulation tends to come back to bite you at some point.

You might start with a book like "The 7 habits of highly effective people", which isn't at all about influencing others but is, instead, about getting things done.

For negotiation skills, which is entirely different from "persuasion" but can give you real power to influence outcomes, the only two I know of which are research-based are "Getting to Yes" and "The Mind and Heart of the Negotiator". Both of these were required texts for my class on "Negotiation and Conflict Management".

sayhello
Thanks for the negotiation book references, these look along the lines of what I want to know.

I think I should edit the post to add more context... right now it looks like I want to manipulate people, this is not what I intended to convey

Mz
:-)

I will add that, in my experience, communicating on the web can be useful for honing your communication skills because you get quick feedback on whether or not you really said what you were trying to say. You don't tend to get this in face-to-face settings, where we rely a lot more on context, facial expression, voice tone, and body language. A lot of people comment that I write well. (And my sister, a journalism major who used to edit my school papers, eventually began turning to me for editing suggestions.) I learned it in online forums. Good communication skills are fairly uncommon and quite valuable for getting things done.

F_J_H
Robert Cialdini's "Influence: Science and Practice." is great. I heard him speak in person once and it was amazing material, and he presented it very well. Unfortunately, some find his book to be a bit dry and a bit of a tough slog, but again, the material is great.

I can't emphasize enough how much his work has helped me. Here is a link to a quiz based on his material, which is very telling as to how good you are with respect to influencing others: http://www.influenceatwork.com/CialdiniQuiz.html

I actually read his book and heard him speak before taking the quiz and so I did much better on it than I would have otherwise.

proexploit
Enthusiasm and honesty go a long way. The most important trait to exhibit would be confidence. Luckily, creating confidence is easy, you just fake it until it catches on. Sure, you can read more in-depth articles about "finding things you like about yourself" and "positive mantras", but if you just go out intending to appear confident, you will in fact become confident. I pay a lot of attention to the way that people speak. If you stutter and say "um" or "uh" a lot, you will sound unimpressive regardless of the topic.

The other comments in this thread have the books nailed down. "How to win friends and influence people" and "Influence" are largely considered the best books on the topic. I'm very interested in body language which is very related. If you force yourself to stand confidently, you'll feel it as well the others around you. I found "What Every BODY is Saying" a lot of fun although it's not quite as full of information.