Ask HN: What do you regret in life?
I was reading this Ask HN (https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=1879530) from about 6 years ago and wondered what HNers regret. Not necessarily your views on the concept of regret but actual examples from your life. I mainly regret not taking university seriously half a lifetime ago, but as a result I became a lifelong self-learner.
Suggested related reading on the topic:
"In Praise of Missing Out: Psychoanalyst Adam Phillips on the Paradoxical Value of Our Unlived Lives"
https://www.brainpickings.org/2015/08/17/missing-out-adam-phillips/
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In the Ask HN link above, a guy says he opened an unread email two years late and saw it was from Facebook in 2009 wanting to hire him.
Similarly, perhaps, one of my regrets was having received an early 2014 email that I didn't open, from someone I didn't much feel the need to keep in contact with. In late 2014, I finally read it. It was an offer to be the personal guide to the US team at the World Cup in Brazil...
348 comments
[ 5.3 ms ] story [ 353 ms ] threadAlso don't stress about it because stress generally worsens the tinnitus!
It just happens. Don't beat yourself up about it.
50 years from now nobody will care about code you wrote, neat charts you made in Visio, or that you managed to get acquihired. Give your grandchildren something to care about.
Banks, power plants & other utilities, satellites, etc. spring to mind, sure, but even the more mundane.
If you're on OS X/macOS, here is the source code to the command line utility `cat`: http://opensource.apple.com//source/text_cmds/text_cmds-71/c...
Released by Berkley in 1989 making it at least 27 years old already, there are lines of code in there probably going back to the 1977 release, because this of course goes back to old school Berkley System Distribution release. 40 years old, next year, then. Can't see it's going to be modified much in the next 10 years.
I expect there is code being written today that will be considered useful enough to still be used in 50 years. I know a guy who worked on weather modelling for the Met Office - I bet his code is still in the models being run in 50 years time. It might have been modified, but there is a real chance his code stays intact.
Code has a half-life, not a use-by date. Work on code that embraces that, and write code with that attitude.
If you're working on some crappy app or site you _know_ will be dead in 2 years time, you might be OK with that. You might not. If you're not, go look for the careers where the half-life is extended.
I would say its the lack of a conscious choice that makes us using our phones so much.
Where was such analysis involved in driving my usage patterns?
Even if they do, it won't matter to you because you will cease to exist.
I plan on keeping these things in the family as long as possible.
Make things and leave them behind, and hopefully your family will still cherish them. I write and make board and video games, I'm hoping some of those will stay in the family. I also want to get into woodworking once I own a home, and make custom components for my games.
Once I managed to disconnect the stuff from the people/memories, I felt a huge relief just decluttering. I have maybe a book or a note from people, and of course photos, but I have procured only furniture/cuttlery/paintings/etc that I like, not those I inherited "just because". And I'd gladly see my children just chuck everything I don't have time to get rid of before I die, and hope that they remember me fondly as a person, not as someone dumping a houseful of emotional and literal baggage on them.
I'm likely projecting, and am sorry/happy if this is not your situation, but I identified up to a point and wanted to suggest to people like me that decluttering/chucking out old junk can be very relieving.
Worrying what your future grandchildren think about you is a ridiculous way to live your life.
It is easy to get your perception of meaningful poisoned by ideas like religion, so one has to be careful how he spends his precious moments in his window of consciousness
Nothing you do, or statistically anyone does, matters after you move on whether it's moving on from that job or moving on from this mortal coil. Regret needs to be framed in the sense of did you regret what you did at that moment for that moment.
Thinking about your accomplishments in the frame of years after your dead is going to just depress you to the point you're going to consider making that end come a whole lot sooner.
Give your grandchildren something to care about? Why would they? By the time they come around, everything you've done is old news. Then your great-grandchildren, well they won't know anything about you. Your great-great-grandchildren won't even know you existed, just like everybody else on the planet. Don't do things to try to create a legacy that no one cares about.
I regret plenty, but I also don't care that I'm a meaningless nothing in the universe.
I know less about my great-grandparents, but I admire them for emigrating to America and struggling to make a better life for their kids.
Granted, on the cosmic timeline their actions don't amount to too much (because nobody's do). But I definitely feel the impact of my great and great-great grandparent's decisions.
Spend time with your kids, keep your marriage together. Love your family. They'll (eventually) see that you did, and they'll care very much about that.
My big regret: not moving to the PacNW when I had the chance in my mid-20s. Things would probably be extremely different for me now if I had. Or maybe I should have tried moving to Asia; women there appreciate intelligent but quiet men who have good careers.
So if I'm really really lucky, 50 years from now someone will still be using some code I wrote. That's really the best I can hope for as far as having "an impact".
But that still means that if you're 50, the best you're likely to do (unless you're rich) is a woman who's in her early 40s, and that's really too old to have kids without assistance, and you'll run a greater risk of Down's.
Even if you're really rich, the 20-something girls who'll want you are going to be materialistic airheads, and will get boring pretty quick, and will not have any real feelings for you.
The other problem is finding a willing female. I don't know about you, but I would not expect to find a 25-30 year old woman wanting to have kids with me when I'm in my 50s, and really don't think that's realistic even at my current age (early 40s). Maybe you're better at talking your way into much younger women's pants than me.
I can also look for women around 40 like myself (which I've done), but here there's tons of problems: 1) many already have kids, and don't want more; 2) the ones that do are usually never married and suddenly are realizing they don't have much time left to have kids. Many of them are never-married for a good reason... (they're so nutty that no man sticks around for long). And they're frequently desperate, but in a bad way: they won't give anyone a chance because they want to find Mr. Perfect after a single date. They have completely unrealistic expectations; I've seen it many times here.
As an aside, I went on a Tinder date with a 43yo woman a while ago. We talked on the phone before meeting up, and one of the first things she told me was how she wanted kids and had already tried one round of IVF!! Talk about TMI... Of course, if she's on fertility drugs and taking IVF, that means that 1) she's likely infertile already, and 2) considering I'm just starting with her, it's likely she'll keep doing IVF while we're dating and end up with some anonymous donor's kid, and not mine. (And if we did have a kid together, it almost certainly wouldn't be conceived naturally.) Luckily, I guess, she didn't want to meet up again after the first date.
Honestly, I think it's a lost cause. At this age range, it's just too hard to find someone that wants kids and is in a good position to have them, and still is a great partner in every other way. The dating pool is simply too small, and most of the people in the dating pool have way too many issues.
Luckily, I just started dating someone who's really nice, very attractive, and really likes me, but she doesn't want kids. Considering this is the first woman I've had more than 2 very casual dates with since my divorce 2 years ago, the idea of passing up this opportunity just isn't appealing.
So if you're 16 and want to have sex with someone who's 16 the only certain advice I can provide is you're not likely to stop wondering what it would have been like any time soon, and over time the odds very rapidly reach zero (roughly by the time you graduate HS?), so get out there while you can ... while avoiding diseases and pregnancies. Of course seeing as older, smarter, and far more experienced versions of yourself repeatedly manage to fail to avoid diseases and pregnancies remarkably often, maybe forever wondering is better than forever herpes/hiv or forever having kids while you were still a kid yourself.
I have heard of couple's coming to an arrangement where the husband (it always seems to be the husband) goes once a month.
Similarly I have met divorced men who opt for brothels in place of pursuing other relationships. This decision typically seems to come after an expensive divorce when they do the math and realize that it may be cheaper to have sex with a parade of paid professionals Vs getting into another serious relationship and losing half their stuff again.
This is probably exactly why brothels are highly illegal in most places. Can't have people disrupting the social order...
I eventually got a divorce at 30 (unrelated), and I had some great sex for a while but then got married again. While, I love my spouse, I think back on those moments of freedom and wildness often. Wish I had more memories of them.
Some tips (from the person who started late): Don't do one nighters - they're just not memorable long-term. Don't do it drunk - it dulls the memory. Don't do it just for the sex either - it's way, way more enjoyable when you're really into someone. And, don't waste time with people who have no passion or intuitiveness. If they can't kiss well or seem to lack interactivity, it's probably not worth it, no matter how much they may want you.
Nowadays the only way I can have intimate relationships is via prostitutes; however I don't visit them often as I can see through their acting, for once I would like to have an intimate relationship with someone who is truly into me, but then I am 33 and my libido is fading (yay!) I know that I will regret not having sex in my 30's and 20's in my 40's but I feel powerless.
As far as how to find them, don't use dating services. It's way too hard for 'normal' guys to compete. Women get so much attention on those services that it boosts their expectations, and they become more selective. Instead, you have to go to the places that they go.
As for looks, put it in context. Unless you're in one of the high male areas (where competition naturally forces men to up their game), most men are pretty average looking. If you look around, I'm guessing you'll see lots of men who are in the middle. That's your baseline. And, if you can get 5-10% better, then it's remarkably more effective.
As a man, if you can get the basics right (personal hygiene, good clothes), you are already in the top quantile. Bummer about the height, but there are also women who are not very tall.
Actually, I its the shorter women who have higher standards for male height, the most "harsh" rejections (due to height) have come from short women.
Taller women have been friendlier/more polite but at the end of the day I still get rejected.
I've stayed in research, and all those math courses have given me a firm foundation on which to solve real science problems--I see that now. But I cannot regret going through what was fundamentally a learning process, and stepping too far in the wrong direction.
I've been trying to catch up somehow but seems like the time is always running away from me.
I write code in my spare time that makes bets in APIs. It's sort of "sports algotrading". As such I care about probability a lot. I found it quite hard to get a grip, and even now I have to hit the books regularly.
It's rewarding, but take it slow and build up. Sometimes you have to treat advanced maths a bit like you would a fitness regime: what does the C25K of the area you're trying to learn look like? Once that's done, what's the 10K version? The half-marathon? The marathon? And so on.
Everybody starts by getting off the couch though - even if you're working through basic probability classes on khan, you're one step ahead of the you that carried on messing about on HN or Reddit or whatever.
But more than that, I realized that there were many life lessons regarding self-discipline, training, and teamwork that I missed as well. I ended up working for a startup founded by college athletes (not your stereotypical jocks, but smart, driven people) and you could see that their leadership, discipline, and motivational skills were already well-developed from their soccer days. For me, working on software teams was my first real collaborative team experience, and I could tell they were leagues beyond me in understanding and developing team dynamics.
Absolutely this. I did play football in high school and actually was not really in to it at all (parents forced me to play something). I was also quite anti-social, in to computers and video games, never went to parties, etc. Then I got a degree in English literature and spent three years in the Peace Corps.
These things all coalesced in interesting ways for me:
- Football taught me about self-discipline, training, teamwork, leadership, etc.
- My hobby interest in computers from a young age built up a strong technical foundation and ultimately gave me the skills needed to land my first job.
- Studying English lit. taught me about effective written and verbal communication, analytical and critical thinking (beyond what I learned doing development), etc. and has been massively useful in my work life.
- Peace Corps taught me how to be social (finally!), patient, self-motivated, etc. and also about generalities surrounding important things such as culture, language, history and identity.
All of this stuff has led me to success in the job market and, I think, a powerful appreciation for my work and the work/life balance. It's very interesting to think about.
I don't feel like my life is any less rich because I chose to not be obsessed with sports. My wife who grew up with a sports fanatic for a dad gives me shit sometimes, but I try not to let it get to me. I can now enjoy my passion wherever I am, while I work, while I'm exercising (blah!) and I have a hobby (playing guitars/drums and listening to music) that I can do pretty much until my deathbed.
I also grew up in France and can attest that it used to be difficult to integrate in any sort of group if you didn't play and didn't care for "Le foot".
I can't help but feel that you caring so much about this might be the second stage of your regret.
I played for 3 years in middle school (grades 6-8) and put it down because I felt awkward continuing on through high school. Now, 8 years later, I've joined jazz ensemble at uni and feel so far behind but so glad I'm back into it.
I sadly didn't come into a "don't apologize for the way your are mentality" until later in high school/early college.
At about 12-13 another player and I got cut from my rep team. We would have been forced into the house leagues for that year, instead of regional travel. I was pretty young and nobody really explained the concept of making a team to me. I just always played for the teams I was on, not realizing that I was actually playing at the top level of my club for my age. My dad lost it, and pulled me from the organization. I suppose he thought I was better than some other kids that were kept on. The intent was we'd play for another club. I suppose they were all full by that time, because I never did.
I stopped playing soccer in favour of other sports. I played hockey next year instead. I didn't try out for the high school team because I thought I wasn't a good player. The kid who got cut with me kept practicing, joined the high school team, and got a university scholarship in the US as a player. His father was just as upset as mine was, but I'd say how he approached that problem was quite different.
I'm 41 now, and I play every week in a competitive amateur league; even though I walked away from the game in the critical development years, I'm still good enough to play with guys who played all of their lives. I always wonder how good I could have actually been had I kept it up.
It's a lesson however that I'm constantly aware of for my own boys: Where you are at development wise at any particular time in comparison to others says little about where your ultimate top end might be. How you handle rejection and defeat is more important than how you are when things are going well.
Maybe France is different but I don't think not playing sports at age 3 is as big of a deterrent as you may think to playing sports or making friends.
"No man has the right to be an amateur in the matter of physical training. It is a shame for a man to grow old without seeing the beauty and strength of which his body is capable." - Socrates
Unfortunately, she only goes when I go, and she's retiring in seven months. I don't know if she's going to stick with it when she leaves. I hope she does, as she's been making some great progress.
It's lovely that you got her into exercise, when she leaves you could still arrange to meet her at the gym for workouts assuming she doesn't live miles from the gym, retiring can be a nasty shock for lots of people since they go from full days to "what the fuck do I now" in a weekend.
I still dislike paying as much as I do though.
Also, I've noticed that people in the gym are somewhat narcissistic, so perhaps the benefits are only for this group?
Why is it so great? The control over your body. The feeling awesome and powerful. It has made my life a whole lot less stressful as well, even though I do more.
If you don't have some kind of total physical exertion in your life I highly recommend getting one.
To start, do three things.
Find a bouldering wall. Get a hold of some climbing shoes. Watch videos 5, 6, 7 of Climbing for Beginners [0].
Don't spend a lot on shoes, you will wreck them really quickly and you will certainly buy the wrong sizing when you start.
Boulder a bit and have fun. I enjoy bouldering with a friend the most as it really challenges me. Bouldering walls are often full of really cool and helpful people.
If you like it then watch some more videos to improve technique, think about what you are doing and practice. Consider trying rope climbing (you will want to take a short intro course for this, the rope skills are important).
Then you will start watching super cool videos [1], find yourself at the wall waay too often, and be more interested in finding out somebodies beta than their name.
[0] https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jbIDnMmSLsc&index=5&list=PL-...
[1] http://www.ukclimbing.com/videos/
I'm not even referring to just being able to lift something, because plenty of larger framed people can do that. I remember the first time I realized I was no longer "big" came when I squeezed through a thin pathway in my closet. Last week, I ended up doing 7 chained backflips at a trampoline park. What was the point of both incidents? "To see if I could".
If you do some forms of training, you can become very flexible. If you are martial art minded, you can find yourself very disciplined.
Finally, you do get more confident (what someone might see as narcissist or how someone might manifest it).
A CrossFit instructor I know says the best reason to squat is that you will be able to go to the toilet unassisted when you are 80...
I'd love to do it again, but I can't see how I'd ever justify the decision. Luckily swimming, running, yoga are all just as fun.
That aside, most other lifts are fine. The only other one I would suggest people avoid is bench pressing with the smith rack (that's the rack where the bar is fixed and only moves on the vertical dimension). You'll get weightlifter's shoulder from doing that. Stick to dumbbells.
* http://www.bboyscience.com/injury-rates/
I regret not beating out a fellow photographer for the cover of National Geographic, but there isn't much I could do to change that one, it's just one of those "damn, my best wasn't quite good enough" moments. But fortunately photographic ability doesn't decline with age, though the relevance of the medium might.
Side note from a few days ago: Sebastiao Salgado (72) believes photography in process of extinction
http://latino.foxnews.com/latino/entertainment/2016/10/28/se...
People really need to hear the story of Billy Elliot (my favourite musical - another thing I would never have bothered with, previously) and the life of Carlos Acosta (who I was watching on Parkinson just last night).
Good luck with your dancing, and don't let others put you off.
Then I realised this was dumb, bought a £20 Ukulele, signed up to classes, and am happy as a clam.
4 months in, I play twice a week with a big group. I still sound awful solo, but am amazed at how far I've come, and how much embracing something totally different has enriched many parts of my life I just didn't expect.
This is something I wish I had learned sooner, playing with other people is actually better the worse you are.
Programming might be easier to get into though
I regret letting myself get comfortable, to a place where the money is too good to leave.
Getting comfortable is not necessarily bad. Knowing you have a solid "fallback" option in case anything goes wrong can actually help creativity and reduce the risk of having to compromise, imho.
That sounds terrible, so sorry for you ;)
- The stress I must have caused my parents by being a complete arse from about 17 to 21 or so. They had 4 kids with 2 of my siblings suffering from disabilities. The last thing they needed was me adding to their stress levels. Of course, I didn't realise this until after they were both dead and I was a parent of a relatively well behaved teenager!
- Bottling out of trying to join the Royal Marines - trained like crazy my last two years at University but then was too terrified to actually apply in case I wasn't good enough (which I probably wasn't!).
Edit: On a positive note apparently the first thing the young lady who went on to become my wife of 26 years noticed when she first met me was my nice arm muscles acquired from all that training! Also thinking about it going into the forces might not have been the best for the stress levels of my parents!
My regret is not following through with a meeting/interview at the CIA a couple years later. I don't remember all of the details, but in the end I was afraid of the same outcome ('failing') so I cancelled it politely and moved on; I shouldn't have and regret not even going.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/See_No_Evil_(Baer_book)
This is somewhat top of mind because I just found the typewritten letter (this was back in the early 90s) spelling out the process of getting to the interview. With OCS the process was obviously way more explicit, but this was a series of phone conversations that ended with that letter and plane tickets at the airport on a certain day. I was newly married with a baby on the way and chickened out.
While I definitely regret not following through, I really can't complain as I've been very fortunate since.