Ask HN: Does anyone else have (or had) problems in dating or getting married?

You need to go out every Friday night. Never miss a Friday night. Note, this only works if you go out every Friday night for a long time, years if necessary.

Aerial acrobatics is your best bet. Always populated by women dying to meet a fit guy (or who will become fit via said hobby).

Tinder isn't going to be what you want.

Consider others that are less focused on hookups.

Also try meeting people naturally. For example, Meetups and the such. Even other guys(they have female friends) and just try and socialize frequently. Also I'd say meeting someone at a cycling/climbing/any activity type clubs are great too. Or even board game or movie type clubs. If you are a se at big tech company. They sometimes have social event groups going on all the time. Just gotta find them.

Also don't wait for people to invite you places. The quickest way to get invited to places with peers and acquaintinces is to invite them to do something. A movie. Board games. Hiking. Potluck. Etc..

I've had good luck meeting nice people with Match. It's not as much of a meat market as Tinder. In my area, at least, it tends to have a lot of professional people that are looking to date more-or-less seriously, but have busy schedules that make meeting people organically difficult.

Let me recommend you something really fun: Improv classes. I took only a 6 weeks class and it was great.

1) You'll be forced to be out of your comfort zone, which might be one of the reasons you are not meeting people: its comfortable not to (I've been there).

2) You'll be performing truly ridiculous acts, in its hilarity you'll likely form some bonds with the other students. Take the advantage to go for some drinks after.

3) Improv is all about being present, in the moment. Guess what, wooing women is the same.

4) You'll learn a thing or two about interpersonal relations. Which is good.

Now, the best way to meet women that you want to seriously date is through friends, since you claim you don't have a social circle, I would recommend that you focus on building one. So, in your improv classes, invite these new acquaintances for a pint of beer.

Finally, women, in my experience, are not as fixated in physical traits as we men are. Thus, I would not worry about your hair loss that much, and work more on improving social interactions. It is, however, important that you keep yourself presentable: nice clothes, brushed teeth, get some lotion, decent haircut.

Yes, I do have suggestions. A couple of conditions:

- Not thinking about it as a thing someone does. - Not limiting oneself to places they judge to be the places to do that non thing (I don't know why people think it has to be in bar, club, gym.)

There's an enormous pressure on people that makes them do sad things. Going to meetups and "trying to make friends" is a bit sad because the premise is depressing.

You can meet people everywhere. Street, café, bus, beach, etc.

Here's a great way: have a standard reaction to someone looking at you. Warm smile (no need to show teeth, even), and a light "hi". Nothing fancy.

With anyone who looks at you long enough (old lady, big dude, police officer).

This prevents you from thinking of coming up with something to say, and trying to come up with something to say is what gets most people in trouble. It is also positive to the other person, simple. It is what you do with people you know.

The important thing here isn't really the reaction of the others. Some will ignore you. Some will think you're strange. Maybe they're having a bad day.

You will get in a lot of conversations with a lot of people in different situations. It takes the pressure out to "find friends" at meetups/bars/gyms at specific times because you can talk with anyone you want.

Try Tango. I have a couple women friends who are absolutely obsessed with it and there are meetings all over the world. I think they are always looking for new partners and men are probably in short supply.

SE asia. Seriously. You can probably get a 15/20 there but only a 7/20 here.

Something that may help is to turn what you see as bad physically into something that's good. For example, since you're balding, it may look better to sport a shaved head and see if you can accentuate that with facial hair (if you can grow it) and a hat. If I ever started balding I would probably just shave my head because I feel that it would be a strange look to see part of my head missing hair. I would imagine that balding makes you look older than you do since you're 31 and balding doesn't usually start until mid age, so shaving your head may "reduce" years from your look.

Another important thing is to make sure you have good posture and confidence in your words. Make sure you stand up straight when walking but relax your shoulders lest you look like a police officer. And when talking to people in general (not just women) don't be afraid to show confidence in what you're talking about, be specific and upfront if you don't know something about a topic, and assert yourself in a conversation when appropriate. Also don't be afraid of silence in a conversation, it gives people in the conversation time to reflect on what was just discussed and possibly come up with another topic.

Lastly, the best way to meet other people -- dating and a significant other is important but friends are probably more important in the long run -- is to find activities that you would enjoy and meet them through that. If you like or are interested in tennis, dancing (ballroom, Latin (salsa, bachata, tango), swing), swimming, hiking, etc., start doing them and see if you want to keep with it. Specifically for dancing, there are generally not a lot of good leaders (men) so if you get good you'll get a lot of attention if you progress and Seattle is a good city for specific kinds of dancing like Argentine tango. And don't forget to build friendships on the lookout for a relationship; I do believe that friendships are at least as important in the long run than a relationship so do not forget to build them along your journey.

(Also as another commenter suggested, Tinder is not a good platform to find dates virtually. Okcupid is a better free service. I've heard positive things about Match.com but haven't tried it.)

Goto meetup groups and start meeting people with the same interests as you. One of those new friendships might blossum into a relationship, or more likely you'll meet someone through one of those new friends. Otherwise dating sites or apps.

Honestly, if you're not a very good looking guy, you need to make up for that by being a interesting, confident, funny, and positive person. Emphasis on confidence. People seize on insecurity. If you're visibly insecure about your appearance, then yeah, it'll be an issue. The attitude you should have is "I think I'm great, I don't care what you think!" tinder is also the wrong thing for you because it's really for casual physical relationships where who you are as a person doesn't matter.

Volunteer.

>> Where do you meet women if you don't have social circle?

I moved 3 times in my life to a different city and once to a different country and in my experience if you don't have a local social circle you high probably won't be able to sustain a healthy long time relationship. If you aren't Tony Stark you have to walk before you can run. Therefore at first you have to work on having a healthy private life with sport, hobbies and friends.

Never fall into the mindset that a partner is a requirement for personal fulfilment, that will just make you feel anxious while dating and miserable when it doesn't work out. Rather focus on just enjoying the moment. If you give the impression of being carefree and fun company that will make you more attractive to outsiders. If you are are positive, supporting and upbeat people will subconciously see you as a way to increase their own happiness. If you have the mindset of being unfulfilled and wanting, this will show. It's very difficult to act your way out of that as this requires mental energy that will fatigue you and woman have an inbred sixth sense for these things. I would focus on just forgetting about having to have a partner and think about yourself. That would mean finding and spending time with people who you enjoy. Thing will become much easier when you have friends to meet new people with together.

Talk to women, no matter how they look. Most guys are anxious about this, women find it refreshing to talk to men who don't have an agenda. If you're lucky they might even introduce you to their single friends. Even if none of that happens it's worth it for the friendships alone.

And don't forget to smile to strangers!

Luckily these are solvable problems.

You can trim/shave your hair.

With regards to clothing you can use instagram to follow men or pages whose style you like and use that as inspiration.

Finally, I'd recommend getting in above average shape. Make going to the gym a part of your life. An hour everyday before work of straight after.

While you're doing some/all of these, I'd start to just talk to everyone. Men, women, old and young. That way you get into the habit of becoming more sociable and confident.

I know these tips may sound superficial, but they help shifting an external locus of control into an internal one.

First, you are good looking to someone. Watch that negative inner dialogue, women can sense insecurity a mile away and will move on to the next guy. When you first meet her, she has made up her mind to "maybe", "no", or rarely "yes".

I met my wife on okcupid. I answered like 600 questions over time. If the other person has answered several hundred, it will create a match score that ensures a good conversation with someone who is 75% or better match. And a conversation helps two people get to know each other. I also ground away at the problem. There is a magic number of how many women you must contact before you find your girlfriend or wife. I can't tell you what the number is, but there is only one way to find out. That had me emailing dozens of women every 2-3 days. Don't let the metrics get to you; about 1 in 30 responded (there are old profiles out there), and out of those I went on a date with about 1 in 3 that responded. So over a few months I went on dates with maybe 10-12 different women. Some of them multiple times. All of them were fantastic, and I had a lot of fun doing various activities with them. But I didn't feel the chemistry until I met my wife.

Through this process, I just allowed myself to be myself. No pretense or trying to be who I thought they wanted. I allowed rejection to be a beneficial part of my process. I wanted someone who wanted me for who I am and vice-versa.

Of course, before I got into this process, I did what work I needed to do so that I was bringing something to the table. This is what "they" mean when they say "you need to get ready". I know, I was ready. Ready to bed the first woman I could. But "ready" really means having something to offer. Emotional availability, kindness, caring, being genuinely interested in someone else's problems. Not to fix them, but to be supportive and ready to help if called upon.

I can't stress this enough, what you have to give in a relationship is so much more important than what you want to get out of it. After all, that is what love is, giving to someone without a care of what you get in return. Second most important is knowing what you want, don't want, and what you can put up with, and knowing how to tell. The 10-12 women I dated before meeting my wife informed a lot of that for me.

I would just stay off of Tinder unless all you're looking for is a hookup. Tinder is superficial by nature; one look and swipe to maybe or no way. Hardly a way to identify a good mate. Actually, hardly a way to even identify a good hook up, because I can tell you from experience, hot meets hard doesn't always add up to great sex.

I have no suggestions on how to find a date, sorry. But if I may add to the discussion more broadly, I think a lot of dating/relationship issues are stemming from changing social norms and technology. I've been following similar issues in Japan assuming we'll see similar results in the US https://www.google.com/search?q=japan+marriage+problem

I would focus on finding friends first. it's a lot easier to find a buddy than a girl. check out meetup.com and find interesting things to go to. once you find someone to hang out with it's easier to meet other people.

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Yes, I'm a black woman in tech (web dev) who has trouble with dating and romance.

I'm pretty sure I would happily date almost any guy who knows Y Combinator exists, but I'm pretty much invisible to men who aren't illiterate, felons, drug addicts, drug dealers, or into hip hop culture.

I've tried dating sites, but every message I get is for sex, not dating. I send out plenty of messages, but few reply. I have almost no physical standards. Tall and handsome? I don't even bother, too much competition.

So I'm single, even though I would really like to share my life with someone.

> Where do you meet women if you don't have social circle?

You're looking at this in the wrong order. You need to develop some sort of social circle first. Some friends that you look forward to seeing on a regular basis (weekly or bi-weekly). They can be men or women (not every woman has to be a potential partner). This isn't even necessarily about your future partner coming out of this social circle, but this is about having some balance in your life.

If you have no friends and find a woman who shows the slightest interest in you, you will end up smothering them, because they become your entire social life. When they realize that you don't have any significant friends other than themselves, they will run for the hills (and so they should!). Someone having friends is a way to validate that they are likable and a fun person to be around.

Focus on finding friends, through whatever interests you have. Turn off the "looking for a girlfriend" vibe for a while, because it colours everything you do. I know this is super cliche, but when you've got a life that you are happy with, with social activities and pursuing your career and hobbies, that is when you will be at your most attractive to prospective partners.

I feel you though, online dating sucks... until it doesn't. There were times in my 20s when I felt a lot like you describe, but in my late 20s, I met my now wife. We now have 2 kids and I couldn't be happier, but I sure cursed the name of online dating for several years before that happened.

I've never had any problems dating. I've had several girlfriends off and on since I was sixteen, always by choice. I am a decently attractive person so I always found it pretty easy to talk to women as they are usually attracted to me.

I've never tried Tinder or any of those apps. Never really saw the point....

My suggestion would be to work out and improve your confidence. Good luck!

Related question: I've seen several comments on HN and elsewhere about how bad the dating scene is (for guys) in Silicon Valley / "Man Francisco". I'm curious, is it really that bad?

I'm assuming Seattle has similar demographics so that might be part of the problem for the OP.

> I go to the gym at least 3 times a week

What are you doing in the gym? From the point of view of aesthetics, doing cardio etc is basically a waste of time. Focus on lifting weights and building muscle.

I'm reliably informed that being 1. Muscular 2. Not fat and 3. Stylishly dressed will put you ahead of many men physically.

What communities and groups are you a member of?

The only way you get to meet new people as you get older is by making a concerted effort to participate in events and to try and make a wider group of friends in general.