Ask HN: What streetsmarts have you learnt?
Hey guys,
I was listening to a podcast that made me realize how I'm surrounded by book smart people and am mostly book smart myself. I'm sure this describes a lot of people here on HN.
As an aspiring entrepreneur I'm striving to become more street smart and to be able to persuade people, not get screwed over, negotiate well, create and see opportunities, be able to make things happen that other people can't etc etc.
What stories do people have of experiences, lessons, things they have seen or read that they feel have taught them some more street smarts? Would love to hear them.
The irony of looking for books on how to become more street smart is not lost on me btw.
Thanks!
95 comments
[ 2.5 ms ] story [ 115 ms ] threadYou haven't made money until it's in the bank.
I was still in high-school and it was one of my first programming gigs. Got screwed for about U$250, a small fortune for me at that time (IIRC about 3 times the monthly minimum wage in my country).
In a way it was good to have that experience early: it seems that most people don't learn that lesson unless they learn it the hard way.
Then I learned the importance of having written contracts for everything, and then later I learned that contracts can't solve the problem, only mitigate it. You have to select your clients, bill often, etc. But you have do it diplomatically, you can never suggest to your client that you think he'll possibly screw you.
The worst part was in the latter situation I was really expecting to be screwed over but the expected value of the situation still made it worthwhile.
Getting paid on time is surprisingly difficult.
Pay your debts, people remember when you don't.
I'm not saying that it's bad advice, but it's only a start, and it can fail you in many, many ways.
Edit: I realize my comment wasn't very constructive so here are some examples.
1) your girlfriend has gained weight. Instead of just telling her that straight out -- which is usually a bad idea, of course -- some people think it's a good idea to offer her "options", like offering to eat healthier with her or doing exercise together. But this won't fool your girlfriend. You're still telling her that she's fat and she very likely won't be happy about it.
Often your boss won't be happy to hear you pointing out problems no matter how good your solutions are.
Also, when you point out problems you might make other people or teams look bad, especially if your solutions are good.
2) Your boss might be a "sociopath" (not literally) and will use your "options" against you.
http://www.ribbonfarm.com/2009/11/11/the-gervais-principle-i...
Also, fwiw, I wouldn't classify the Gervais Principle as street smarts. It's more like a parallel "bureaucracy smarts" that only makes sense in an artifically controlled environment like a large company. Whereas true street smarts are the kinds of things that would serve a street hustler just as well as an entrepreneur because they are applicable to all uncontrolled human interactions.
Also, when you point out problems you might make other people or teams look bad, especially if your solutions are good."
There is a some thought that has to go behind problem selection. Going out of one's way to find problems usually doesn't help.
Fortunately, where I work, the problems present themselves as a pain point for my bosses, which I can then offer and implement solutions. It's really the same as listening to or observing a customer and providing a solution for them.
Isn't that just "don't make me work, do the work for me even if you duplicate effort when I (with my experience) could cut through to the solution I'll choose".
Punctuality has paid off well for me. Seriously, show up to work on time everyday and make everyone look bad in comparison.
Customer service has also been a very valuable experience, dealing with a whole range of people. Learning the art has given me the confidence to interact with anyone, from executive to teenager, co-worker to police officer. Persuading isn't really my forte, but my bullshit detector is well honed.
My advice is get a job in a fast paced but low risk service environment that serves a range of people, the classic example is waiting tables. Master this and then use what you've learned.
Basically, if you want to look good, do really great work and bring as many of your coworkers (and hopefully friends) into the fold as possible. When you're willing to share successes, you end up having a lot more of them, and credit will find its way to you.
This doesn't just mean "don't lie" or "don't get caught lying." It means that whatever courses of action you choose to take, you have to make sure that they are convincing and congruent with the environment. A magician is very convincing.
Things aren't always about facts but about emotions, what people see, or how things appear, and about the people you surround yourself with -- the people others will see, then proceed to judge you by -- and how you handle yourself in budding relationships. Don't be afraid to accept favors and give favors without the presumption of your favor being returned. Franklin has said something on this to the effect of "ask to borrow people's books, even though you don't intend on reading it."
When someone new moved into the neighborhood, my Dad used to always go over and attempt to borrow a simple hand tool.
Keep in mind, (at that point) my father had been a mechanic in the Marines, a butcher and chef for over 20 years, and a serious cabinet-maker for over a decade. He already had every tool he needed.
His purpose was to "ask a favor" to simply start-up a conversation and a relationship. It's amazing what you can establish by simply asking a stranger for "a small favor".
In theory, whenever you do a deal (a good deal), you are getting something you want and so is the other party. So the more deals you do, the more progress you are making towards things that you want and hopefully only giving up things you are happy to give up.
I have to say I haven't done as many deals as I would like.
Part of doing deals seems to be having the imagination and experience to think about what is possible simply as habit, rather than just accepting the standard way that people do things by default. It's a hard habit to learn.
Street smarts is really just a euphimism for doing bad academically. Now I do acknowledge that that there are a lot of important skills such as knowing how to sell, talk to people, make a pitch, get along,...but I would call that "social skills" or "social smarts"...not "street smarts"
Street smarts for me is literally knowing how to handle the streets...like a drug-dealer would...
Whenever someone says "I'm not book smart, I'm street smart", all I hear is "I'm not real smart, I'm imaginary smart."
Declaring yourself street smart is especially ironic since an actual street smart person would be looking to conceal their true intelligence.
So from that perspective I would say that drug-dealing probably does have more to do with running a normal business than any academic field.
This lesson has applied equally well to middle-school brawls, sports competitions, college professors, and litigious organizations.
Thanks for the lucid formulation. Even though I have been thinking like this all along, it is nice to have a succinct reminder.
I use my street smarts every day. I may say the same thing to ten people ten different ways- not because I want to `change things up,` but because I analyze and judge everyone I meet upon every occasion I have. It also helps that my verbal IQ is off the charts (and therefore placed in the 99.99th percentile). This allows me to articulate and find words that accurately represent the people I meet, and understand them more. (Please note I am dyslexic and have processing difficulties which mean how I write is not representative of my verbal IQ because I can't process fast enough while writing to say coherently what I think like I can when I am talking. <- example there)
(1) Analyze every person and remember it
The importance of what I am doing is used when I get in a sticky situation. There are two types of people, those who give excuses, and those who solve problems. I use what I learn and assume(#1) about people to describe to them in the most effective way possible what needs to be done. When I present ideas to people, I don't present ideas- I present the problem and why the idea solves it. (#1 cont. Don't tell a person what you assume about his or her character- not only is it unbecoming, it will probably piss him or her off unless it is a special circumstance)
(2) Become the person who is (known for) immediately solving problems
I, unfortunately, break a commandment more than I should. I lie. When I lie, I don't think that the most important thing is not to get caught. I think about how the lie is helpful, and how I am going to expose the lie later ESPECIALLY if the person knows I am lying. For example, I had a tutor who was approaching a subject I could not talk about for a reason I will not explain. This is the kind of guy who will not accept an "excuse" for not talking about a subject regardless of the validity. In this circumstance, talking about the subject (it was personal) would be detrimental to our working relationship and the time would be better spent working on something else..So I lied. I did not lie elaborately, but I lied in a fashion where I knew he would believe me. Three hours after he left, I wrote him an email apologizing for my lie, explaining why I did it and the benefits it had. He was not upset about it, but understanding and appreciated the honesty, ironic huh?
(3) Choose your words carefully
Nothing is free. When you accept something from a friend, even if it is explicitly spoken that no strings are attached, you owe them. Of course this may actually be the kind of person where he or she truly believes that you do not owe them anything, but expect it. When you deliver a favor, unless explicitly stated and agreed upon, the person receiving the favor owes you nothing, so don't ask for anything in return. I know, I am saying "Be the person you do not expect anyone else to be". However, if you want to enter show biz and need connections and will have to rely on people to make your way to the top, make damn sure you can rely on who you are relying on.
(4) Low expectations cost you nothing, but let you reap the benefits of positive events
Unfortunately, a lot of the rules I live by don't allow me to be an open person. I don't like to talk about myself, ect. Today, I had a very in-depth conversation with a friend who I consider to be one of my closed friends. She is one of my closed friends because I know if were in another state- and I needed a way to get somewhere else, she would drop everything and drive cross country to help me. I talked to her today about some of my problems and I brought her to tears. She explained ...
> ... I can't process fast enough while writing to say coherently what I think like I can when I am talking...
Very common among high performers. I had lunch with an uber-businessman, from-scratch-into-hundreds-of-millions type, and he says to the waiter, "Water no cold!" He meant no ice. They figured it out. Don't worry about getting pretty words out there, get the message out there. I read a lot, have studied a lot, and lots of times I'll write or speak with bad grammar if it's easier to understand or would take longer to fix. "That ain't right" is something I say fairly often since "that ain't right" is usually the fastest way to say it when something ain't right.
> When I lie, I don't think that the most important thing is not to get caught. I think about how the lie is helpful, and how I am going to expose the lie later ESPECIALLY if the person knows I am lying.
Everyone lies. EVERYONE. The people that don't admit this are forced to rationalize their lies, or even convince themselves that they're true. I note, evaluate, and scrutinize every time I lie, and do it a hell of a lot less than most people. When I do lie, I evaluate whether it was okay there and if it was worth it, and try to figure out a way I could have not lied.
And people are very understanding of lying for good reasons. I remember telling a guy I worked with from age 19 to 21, "Hey, remember when I said I was 22 when we met...? I was 19. I just turned 21, not 24." He totally understood. He says, "I'd have done the same thing, no one takes a teenager seriously." He was... 35 at the time. People understand. If you're much younger than people at your same level, you might have to lie about your age if it comes up before the other person has gotten a chance to know you. You clear it up a few months later and no one cares, really. Though it is a bit more relaxing to not have to lie about it now.
Also, on the topic of lying, it's worth learning about how people lie. For instance, people who screw around when in committed relationships get indignant when asked how many times they've done so. "What?! Zero!" Otherwise, people shrug and say they haven't. Then, if you mention one or two times that the person told you about and ask how many again, they're say, "okay... well... just three." That's probably seven to ten. If they say five, it's probably 15. 8 is "a lot". You pick this stuff up if you pay attention to people lying and try to guess at what the truth actually is. Eventually you get a sense for it.
Two more thoughts on lying - don't put people in a position where they have to lie. So if someone's a young entrepreneur, I tell them, "Hey, I went into business at 19... I know what it's like... it's tough... how old are you?" and I do it when no one's around. If you do it in front of other people, they're going to lie, because they have to. Also, don't confront people on lying to you generally, it's not worth it. I just shrug and wait a while. If you need the real answer, ask the question in a re-phrased way where they'll be more likely to tell the truth in a few weeks. They probably will. Don't mention the discrepencies in their story, "catching" a person just royally upsets them.
> Nothing is free. When you accept something from a friend, even if it is explicitly spoken that no strings are attached, you owe them.
Yes. My rule - don't accept favors from people I don't want to do twice as much for in return.
> I know, I am saying "Be the person you do not expect anyone else to be".
Love that expression. Fantastic way of putting it.
> Forgive and Forget
This one will be the most controversial one I'll write -
Forgive and forget... 95% of the time. One time out of 20, when you're completely in the right morally, completely so, go to ridiculous ends to wreck havoc on a wrong-doer. Doing this only every so often gives you a reputation of not to be messed with, and even when people do shady/bad/quest...
"There are two types of people, those who give excuses, and those who solve problems."
About a year or so ago I was working at my dad's small law office when he inadvertently dropped this gem on me.
My dad is what I like to call a "financial lawyer", as he focuses mostly in bankruptcy, IRS problems, tax stuff, real estate business, litigation, and other random personal or business fiscal matters (for example, he recently took on a case to sell a whole business). He's been running his business now for a little more than 20 years, and for a while after college he worked at the IRS and a few other office jobs, so he more than knows his way around the bureaucracy of working with the government and other large institutions, but it was the way he so deftly displayed this that made it so impressive to me at the time.
So some person wanted to buy or sell a house using him as their representation, and as part of doing this you need to get a form called something along the lines of an "Anti-Predatory Lending Agreement" that you get by mailing or faxing some form to some office where it is somehow approved, and once you have that you can move on with the process of closing. We faxed in our part of getting this done 3-4 weeks in advance even though it is only supposed to take 3-5 business days to get it back approved (assuming everything is in order). About 2 weeks later we still hadn't gotten this form back, so we called in to get the status of the document, and they had us fax it again labeled urgent this time. Another week passed and we still hadn't gotten the document back, so we checked in a second time, sent one more, and another few business days passed without receiving anything. At this point the deadline requiring the document was looming in just a few days, so I called again checking on its status, and basically got nothing.
I reported back to my father to tell him the bad news, then took as seat at the other desk in his room to work on some letters. He sat for a few minutes brewing and quietly mulling over the situation before calling up the office to try and take care of the situation, and after a few minutes got in touch with the person who was supposed to be handling our file. This is how the conversation panned out (with liberties taken assuming what specifically was said on the other side of the phone):
[introductory banter]
Dad Lawyer: So ok, how is this predatory lending agreement coming along? Office Guy: Well we've had a busy week but we should be able to have it to you in a few days. DL: A few more days? We need this agreement like _tomorrow_ or we will have to postpone the closing. OG: Well Sir, it takes around 3 to 5 business days for us to process the forms before we can get them back to you... DL: 3 to 5 days? We sent it the First time more than 2 weeks ago. OG: Hmmm... sometimes forms get misplaced or lost altogether,... DL: Yes, and then we sent our Second form early last week, and our Third form early this week. This is getting ridiculous! OG: ... I'm not sure what I can do to help you Sir...
// At this point, something clicked to my dad and somehow through his experiences in the past he got it. Without raising his voice, his tone changed from exasperation to what I can only fully describe as his "alpha male" voice: a calm, controlled forcefulness.
DL: I see... Listen, I know you don't do too much around your office, but right now that isn't really working out for me very well. I know theres a guy at your office who actually Does work, because theres a guy at every office who actually Does work. What I need you to do is connect me to that guy, because otherwise this just isn't going to get done.
!!! I had barely been listening up to that point, but when his tone changed and I heard that, I basically did a full about-face out of surprise. Pretty sure the guy on the other line was just as shocked as I was and tried to muster a response, but my dad didn't have any of it and just asked to talk to "that guy". I expected he would be put through to a manager or supe...
"Two words", he replied. "Right decisions".
"So, how do you make the right decisions?"
"One word: experience".
"OK, so how do you get experience?"
"Two words", the man replied: "wrong decisions".
Yeah, I know. Pretty corny. :)
Someone fired from all their jobs is probably going to be a menace later in some form or fashion.
Someone who ended all their relationships on bad terms is going to end on bad terms with you.
Strong starters/non-finishers are going to start strong but likely won't be able to close it out without extra help later... which you might be oblivious to, because they'd started so strongly.
Track records don't lie. Unless you're really good at spotting diamonds in the rough, don't grab someone with a bad track record for an important role in your business and life. I've learned this one the hard way too many times. I still get tempted with, "Wow, this guy/girl is so amazing, the problem must've been the other people..."
I'm trying to not do that any more. Once? Quite possibly a fluke. Twice? Maybe... Three times? That's a track record. Also, people will always say they've changed. It's probably a bad idea to be the first person to test out whether it's real or not.
<sidetracking into hiring lessons-learned...>
If you're nervous about calling, just remember that IF the person is great, their references will be falling all over themselves to tell you so. They'll be happy to talk to you. (In small companies, big companies may be HR stonewalling...) You're not bothering them, you're giving them an opportunity to tell you about this GREAT person and why you'd be insane not to hire them.
The clues are often found in the pauses, and what's unsaid. People don't like saying bad things about other people, so don't listen for that so much as cautious answers...
Eg.
"Would you hire them again?"
a) pause Uh, yeah, I'm sure we would.
versus
b) In a heartbeat. We would absolutely hire them again. I'm hoping we can someday when our department gets more funding.
Lastly, a trick when you don't reach someone on a reference call. Say who you are, and ask that they call you back if the person was incredible
That way they can send you a message without saying anything bad directly (and this happens...)
</random hiring lessons-learned>
If you do something once or twice, it's just something that you've done. If you do something three times or more, especially in a short time frame, it becomes "that thing you always do", even if it's something that's very uncommon for you to do. Human perception is very quirky and prejudicial, keep that in mind.
I guess most people will focus on business facts, but underneath all those are human facts… and those lessons are what I consider the most valuable.
1a. Life is suffering. No, really. Accept it and then you realize that basically to have a body & a consciousness is to suffer, and a lot of it is unavoidable. Then you don't feel like just cuz something hurts, you have to change it. Nerves will always hurt. Once you can accept it, you can stop wasting your time on the pointless shit.
1b. Emotions are like weather, sometimes they don't mean anything… and just because you feel something, doesn't make it true. (Good OR bad.) Just because you feel like something is happening TO you, doesn't make that true, either. It's usually not actually about you. And if you assume that good feeling = good thing/I'm right, or that bad feeling = bad thing/this is wrong, you'll be analytically hobbled.
(These sounds harsh, but think about it.)
2. Most people don't live their lives by deliberately examining their actions & beliefs and deciding what they want to live up to. If they have integrity, it's often by 'accident,' not design, so if you deal with a person who works with integrity once, they may not next time. There's no point in blaming them if you assume wrongly about them.
3. Some people think on, & play, a meta-game. If you don't, you have to learn, because there will be people around you playing at 30 levels deep and if you just believe the surface level, you will come away with an incomplete picture.
4. Really failing, getting kicked in the face by life, is awesome, because you can only know how much you can do when you have to crawl up from rock bottom. I could go broke and become homeless tomorrow, and it would suck, but I wouldn't be afraid. I could work my way up (again). But before the 1st time, I was terrified all the time by nameless middle class angst about the silliest little things, because I had never been tested, and I had never proven myself.
5. We're all human, so we all have the same basic flaws. People live locked up in their own little heads, thinking they are better or worse than other people, not realizing that's just a trick of being only aware of your own consciousness. It's also easy to look at other people who have a great-looking or terrible-looking life on the surface, and make incorrect assumptions about what's going on inside them, and how they got there. Your problems, flaws, limitations, are not special, and neither is your defense of them. (And neither are other people's.)
6. Being true, having integrity, and loving people are the best things in life. Consciously deciding to have integrity and take responsibility for my life was the most important thing I ever did. Consciously deciding to stop letting my fear of social situations conquer me, and go out there, and expose myself, and be the friend I wanted to have, led to the first true friends I'd ever had (and many more after that). And consciously deciding to stop beating myself up over mistakes I'd made, to look at them, accept them, and understand that I'm only human, made a huge difference in my well-being.
7. When you've suffered, don't look at other people suffering and say "Well, I did it, why shouldn't they?" -- think expansively, givingly, compassionately. Everyone will be happier.
8. It's almost impossible to help people if you don't understand people. But truly understanding yourself, 100%, and being mindful in your daily life, will help you understand what it is to be human, because you will see all your little evasions, flaws, wiggling -- and your pleasures, joys, and little moments of happiness and insight.
9. (And, by the way, the best products show a true understanding of what it means to be human.)
I consider people my mission.
* When I am unhappy it is because I'm focusing on what I am not, and what the end result should be.
* If I focus on the process and the problem at hand, and I focus really hard, I will not have any more brainpower to think about things that make me unhappy. I get absorbed in the moment, and nothing else matters, but what I'm doing right now.
* Also, if I focus on the process, I will be able to give the best solution I'm capable of, because greedy, envious and ego-driven feelings will not distract me.
I do not see (rationally speaking), how I can get unhappy if I manage to keep this mind state.
http://www.ted.com/talks/lang/eng/srikumar_rao_plug_into_you...
And yes, life is suffering. You stub your toe. You think it's too cold, or too hot. Somebody doesn't look at you the way you want. Your tummy hurts. You constantly have to 'battle' against focusing "on what you're not," for example. You have a hard time focusing. You look at books, things, places, scenes, and people (hey, and HN comments) and they feel WRONG. You don't like them. You judge them. You judge everything by your yardstick.
That is all suffering.
That's the human condition: judging, and struggling, and hurting.
It doesn't say there aren't OTHER things, but the suffering is always there.
Pain can also be condensed much more easily than pleasure, to maddening heights.
It seems very whimsical to say that suffering is not one of the main defining features of the current situation on planet earth. And to say so is to blatantly ignore not only your own suffering, but the world's. Think about how tiny hope was compared to everything else that was let out of Pandora's box.
Well, I don't have to. If I focus on the problem I'm facing probably I will be happy with the outcome.
One thing is for sure: My "focusing on the problem" self can beat my "focusing on what I wish I'd be" self any day.
I definitely don't mean that life is sadness. I mean that life is absolutely full of little pains, and big ones, from losing people you love to being aggravated that your thermostat is hard to use, to not being able to find your keys, to wishing it wasn't raining right now.
That's definitely all suffering, in the Buddhist sense. And I don't believe anyone who says they don't suffer.