Ask HN: How to succeed in tech as an introvert?
Just some background: Currently a student and introverted to a large extent. I tend to avoid company parties or any other large gatherings. I'm intimidated whenever I intern at a new company because it seems like every other intern is outgoing and making the most out of their experience. Just as an example, some interns invite random people working in completely different departments to lunch. I've noticed most people who go out of their way to do things like this do go on to to be successful in general.
So my question is, knowing that I'm (very) introverted, how do you think I should change or improve myself to have a more successful career?
51 comments
[ 2.4 ms ] story [ 111 ms ] threadI first read it from Aristotle (if that's suppose to add credibility/draw attention).
And read this http://introvertdear.com/
For this reason, I did a lot of communicating via email. I felt like I wasn't doing as well as the more extroverted types who were more obviously able to suck up to our immediate superiors.
Then me and some of my teammates were moved to a new team. My very professional and established track record of sending emails most of the time meant my questions were still getting the answer I needed. The seemingly successful extroverts were incredibly frustrated and tearing their hair out. They didn't know how to function in the new conditions. They began turning to me for advice on how to get things done on the new team, physically separated from the people they had established relationships with.
Learn to play to your strengths. Being an extrovert isn't necessarily all it is cracked up to be. Most of those so-called friendships are more shallow than you think.
If you can find a nice and sympathetic extrovert, they may be able to do some introductions and the like for you and bring down your stress levels. I did that sort of thing sometimes for a painfully shy teammate. But, beyond that, don't believe too much of the hype.
Email can be a useful tool and learning to communicate over a distance is really important, but I can't help but think you're going to hurt yourself if you see email as a substitute for face-to-face.
I did make sure to get with someone in person (with a printed version of the files I was working on) for certain thorny issues. But if you communicate well and succinctly via email, about 90%-95% of routine stuff at my job that required input from one of my superiors could be effectively handled by email. This eliminated the need to try to arrange face-to-face time, which can be logistically challenging when you both have busy schedules and deadlines.
This was a big stress point for coworkers of mine who learned the hard way that, no, your boss that you are squeeing at all the time is not actually your friend. I cultivated a professional relationship with my superiors. I was not able to squee at them and suck up and blather on. I was too sick to do all that stuff.
They didn't need to like me. They did need to respect my competence, answer my work related questions and sign off on things above my pay grade that required authorization. I was still getting that after the new team was formed and lacked a dedicated lead, so everyone was still required to seek certain things from our old lead, whomever that happened to be, until they could free up resources and assign a lead to the team. Other people were tearing their hair out.
Email does not work for everything. But if you learn to communicate well via email, for many things, it is actually superior to face time because you have a written record of your boss's authorization, professional opinion or the resource they directed you to. It isn't your word against theirs if something goes wrong. There is a paper trail. If you, in fact, did as you were told and it was the wrong thing, they go after your boss, not you. If they told you verbally and are not some kind of paladin-like being, the odds are high that you and they will "remember" it differently and you are the one that will take the fall.
However, I have to disagree 1000% on it not mattering if someone "likes" you. It matters a great deal. Of course, being an obvious brownnoser is contemptible. But being well-liked is the most important task of any and every employee. When push comes to shove, it's going to be easier for them to overlook your professional inadequacies than it will be to overlook their personal affectations.
Like that poster, it seems you are experiencing more than introversion. Perhaps you are shy and/or suffer from social anxiety. These are distinct from introversion and can be treated. Introversion by itself is nothing to worry about.
[1] https://www.quora.com/Is-there-a-place-in-medical-school-for...
(For what it's worth, I've seen quite a few threads like this that seem to get responses saying that the OP has such and such psychological condition; it kind of astounds me how so many people a feel that it's prudent to provide a stranger with unsolicited medical diagnoses based on a couple paragraphs they posted on the internet. You're under no obligation to respond to them, so feel free to disregard them if you'd prefer to.)
I was kind of surprised by the many comments saying I suffer from social anxiety, but I figured their lack of information about me lead to their diagnoses. So, I hope they think otherwise after my responses and instead provide great advice like yours.
Your rebuttal doesn't really make sense as a defence though. If you are OK with people you know, but not ok with new people - that sounds more like it would strengthen the "social anxiety diagnose".
However I am sure it is not introversion. Introversion is not related to social interaction. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Extraversion_and_introversion#...
Don't get me wrong. I can see myself very much in your description, almost to a tee. My point is just that I think you are mistaken in your definition of introversion, and that you should read up on it and the common mistake of thinking it is the same as e.g. shyness etc.
I will give you two pieces of advice you may think conflict, but they do not.
1) Your fellow interns might be trying too hard. You may be too young to recognize this but unless they are truly exceptionally gifted social animals (hint: they are probably not) they are trying very very hard to gain favor with senior management who will ultimately make the decision to hire or recommend them to other roles. This does not always work; it can work if they are genuinely personable (some actually are), and it can sometimes work if they are not but there are weak personalities in senior positions who think "this person must deserve it because they tried so hard too engage people". Just know that not every super-networker is admired by those they are trying to connect (read: brownnose) with. Ignore them and focus on yourself.
2) Software is a team sport. If you can't engineer as a team with your fellow developers; if you can't disagree yet compromise or think one one way but be swayed by another engineer's point of view; if you can't learn from the senior mentors who are teaching you that software is in part a social activity, well, I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but you're not likely to achieve the full potential of an exceptional software developer. You can get a job in the industry, surely, but you'll never be as truly valuable as someone who can communicate effectively with their peers. It isn't about being a hit at parties--but being someone whose opinion people can trust because you listen and thus people listen to you. This requires non-zero social skills, but you don't have to invite the Marketing team to play air hockey after work--you just need to be able to understand what you're building and why and ask for clarity if you are ever unclear. This DOES extend beyond your core engineering team (e.g., this means you have to talk to your product owner and other stakeholders). You have to be able to communicate with those people not just now but forever in this industry. If you just can't, either consider another role or consider a narrow, well-defined individual contributor role at a well-established company where you are ok with not advancing.
Do you need to change yourself? It is hard to say; I am not sure how old you are and where you are at in your career. But do be a team player who is curious; just know that you don't have to drink a gallon of beer or play ping pong until 9pm to be respected--you just have to be a good listener, a good asker of questions and someone people look forward to collaborating with.
In my experience you have a great deal to gain from join a local Toastmasters chapter. Not only will they help you overcome your social anxiety, but you will also gain skills to become a more effective communicator.
You don't necessarily have to start inviting random people to lunch, but being able to break the ice and being comfortable around new people is important. Other people are feeling that anxiety too and it's stopping them from getting out what they want. Practice until you become so good you can put the room at ease and make it easy for others to get out what they want to contribute and your skills will be highly valued.
What I would guard against is under-communicating. Don't allow your social aversion to hinder your communication. Bosses and teammates strongly prefer people who communicate what they are working on, what problems they are encountering, and what their expectations are. If people don't hear from you, they'll also tend to think you are slacking off. Never assume that people will see the code and know you're working. I've been burned by this. It's better to under-code and over-communicate, than the other way around.
At the intern level, the most important thing you can do is build firm relationships with the people that are immediately associated with your work. Focus on impressing a substantial subset of them. In engineering, you'll lose credibility by looking too "businessy" and requesting lunch meetings with everyone and their dog.
Practice talking to people. Practice meeting new people. Go somewhere where you introduce yourself to strangers. Do this over and over and over again until you're good at breaking the ice and feel fine in a room full of new faces. That's really all you need.
The people requesting lunches from random people are not doing it because they're extroverted. Meeting new people/establishing new relationships is a high-energy thing and it's not likely they're excited about it either. They're doing it because they are consciously trying to expand their network.
Your network is critically important, but you don't have to go breadth-first. I'd suggest depth-first is better. Build stronger relationships with fewer people who are localized to your target expertise for now.
Be quick to smile and look people in the eye.
Practice by simply giving someone a compliment (that you mean). "nice tie" "I dig your hair" whatever.
I find large gatherings tedious and people draining but oddly at this point I am really well received, mostly because "I dont care" and a smile goes a long way.
That's the hardest thing to understand. I had all these issues until I realized that: A) me is me, and it is permanent (and I am important to me); B) my empathy and caring what others think is mostly my own illusion.
Meta-issue is that 'be comfortable' is probably a thing that doesn't come easily. First step for me was to start to accept future uncomfortable situations, instead of trying to prevent them. Acceptance is not a comfort, but it leads to it.
Change is not always easy, but it is nearly always possible. Don't believe defeatists who want you to believe that you're stuck (a belief they usually push because they benefit from your non-movement).
Source: over the last 8 years, I've spent a cumulative 1 year working in an office, and the remaining 7 from home.
Long story short, it has become the most competitive field in the world. The Zuckerberg era is over. You need to talk a lot, friends, an active network, warm introductions, etc to make it pass the interview process. Otherwise you will hear things like "lack of passion", "not a culture fit", etc.
The interview process is so unfair and broken, anything not standard will go against you. Companies focus on the negatives and forget about all the positive things you've done. To get hired you need to score 100 (positive) - 0 (negative). Being an introvert is not a big deal but it'll be seen as something that can impact your performance at work => "and for this reason - I'm out" :) Shark tank style.
I guess it's just about finding the right job for you, my advice would be if you love what you do don't let being an introvert divert your passion. Some of the best colleague programmers I have ever met were introverts.
this is really it in a nutshell. we're here to make software, not to make friends. if you have the technical skills then you can do just fine for yourself.
Also, sometimes just being an expert at something makes it easier to be confident. You might still be awkward and anxious at a happy hour, but in a meeting or technical discussion you speak confidently/authoritatively, based on your expertise and interest in the subject.
What I would suggest is:
-Learn mannerisms to indicate that you're friendly to people you don't know well without having to interact much. For example, wave or smile (and I mean a sincere smile) at people as you pass them in the hallway that you know.
-The people you work closely with are the people that you will get comfortable with and be able to interact with more easily. These few people will have to form the basis of your professional network to help you find career opportunities in the future. While you are, of course, naturally helpful and hardworking, you're also going to need to be helpful, hardworking, etc. in a way that they can see and will vouch for to others.
-Maintain your network. Take the effort to meet with former colleagues every once in a while or contact them on social media to see how they are doing.
-Force yourself to attend corporate parties and other events, as much as you can tolerate. You don't have to stay the whole time but at least be seen and remembered by your immediate co-workers.
-Get an understanding of how performance reviews are done at whichever employer you eventually work for and make sure that you are known in a positive light to the people making the decision. The extroverts do it naturally, you may have to do it artificially (cynical as that may sound). Failing to do so will hamper your career growth significantly.
-Having difficulty talking to others doesn't absolve you of the need to communicate. You're going to need to be able to need to write email, documentation, code comments, and so forth quickly, clearly, and concisely.
-If public speaking is a problem for you, work on that until you're able to give at least a passable engineering presentation. Engineering is a team sport and the more senior you are, the more you're expected to speak up and guide others. Organizations like Toastmasters and course like the Dale Carnegie program can help with this. The earlier in your career you confront this, the better.
-Seeing a medical professional may be helpful in ameliorating your introversion. However, be very wary of medications; they may come with nasty side effects including reducing mental acuity (a massive problem, if you're a technology professional), rebound effects, tolerance effects, and withdrawal effects. Therapy and modifying your behaviors are the most likely to succeed in the long run but require a lot of hard work on your part.
-Be prepared for pain and frustration. Bad ideas communicated well by someone else will win out over good ideas that someone is unable to communicate. Less talented people who have good relationships with the organization will succeed more than a better person with no relationships with anyone.
Good luck.