Ask HN: How do you find time for a side project while keeping your family happy?
The issue is that I finished grad school a little while ago, and she was used to me working on research in coffee shops for long hours each day. But she thought once I finished my PhD, I would instead want to come home and just hang out around the house or go shopping with her. Somewhere along the way, there was a miscommunication, and it needs to be fixed now. (It also doesn't help that she just quit her rather time-consuming job, so now she doesn't have anything to do all day.)
The problem is that I can't focus on anything with just a few spare hours of time here and there. The granularity of productive work for me is 6 to 8 hour chunks (heck, it takes at least an hour and a half to even get into a project). But dinner at 7 PM would be right in the middle of the most productive time of the evening, so how do I work around this?
She seemed frazzled and on the verge of tears, so of course I'm going to do whatever I need to to make sure she is happy, but I'd rather not have to give up my side projects. I feel like those hours are the only "me" time I have anymore (time that is conducive to my mental health no less). Is anyone in a similar situation? How do you handle this?
3 comments
[ 3.0 ms ] story [ 21.4 ms ] threadWhen you are single, you want to be in a relationship. When you are not, you kind of miss that time. The grass is ALWAYS greener on the other side.
But it doesn't mean it's always better.
I work with my girl. Every day. I have worked with her every day for the past 7 years. I see her almost every moment of every day. However, here is the distinction: being next to her and spending time with her are two very different things in their minds. In my mind, we just spent the entire day together. In her mind, we spent no time together at all.
And its true on both accounts.
She has said those very same words to me: "When do I get to spend time with you?" And I've thought, "We've been together all day, literally."
So lets get down to the facts:
- At one point, you would do anything for this woman.
- At one point, you would give up every waking moment for this woman.
- At one point, you loved this woman so much, she was all that mattered.
Now, reality does set in, the honeymoon phase wears off. And despite what some women think: Men do not always want to be thinking about sex. I wish I could have a day or two or even a week of just not thinking about it at all. And there are days, where I'm really just not in the mood.
And of course, the reality is... men do need their own time without feeling overwhelmed or crowded.
Lets get down to what you need to do and what I am still learning.
This woman loves you. She WANTS to spend time with you. If you don't want to spend time with her, she will find a man who does.
So in a way, you must compromise.
If you have free time on the weekends, take her out, take her out on a date, go to the movies with her. Make it interesting. Show her you still want to do things with her and enjoy her company.
On the weekdays, tell her you have to work, but you want some time for your side projects as well.
Communication is key here. I would keep it as an open discussion.
Instead of telling her how it is or how you think it should be, say something like, "I love you so much and I want to spend time with you and just being in your company makes me so happy. You I know I work all day, and I come home, and I would really like to focus on a few side projects that I have in mind. I wish there were more hours in a day to focus on some of those additional projects. I have a dilemma: I want to devote my time to you, but I also want to explore these side projects too. When do you think it be alright for me to work on those projects?"
She also should have some hobbies. I have noticed this: I have more "hobbies" than she does in regards to side projects. She, however, loves making things with wood and works on a lot of house projects. I end up assisting her and helping her, which gives us some time together, but I'm more interested in doing my own side projects, than house projects. HOWEVER, this too, must be a compromise. Her house projects are not just "her projects", they are mine too, because they really do make the house look better.
I am the best friend and pretty much the only friend my girl has. She doesn't try to make friends. She doesn't care to make friends. I must accept this. I too, hardly have any friends, and any free time I have .. I just want to spend it by myself working on my side projects.
Now... you are just trying to establish dialogue. Some women may get upset over the miscommunication and think you don't want to spend time with them. But she must understand too: you work all day. Of course, you want to spend time with her, but you also want a few hours just to focus on some of your own hobbies.
In my own relationship, here is kind of what we have done:
I get home from work, I do spend at least a half hour to an hour with her, just spending time with her, talking to her, and getting into the mindset of being home. We unwind. I tend to lie in bed with her, we'll watch television...
You gotta eat at some point, so I'd at least try to find a way to eat together; maybe do your side projects from home rather than a coffee shop.
Personally I handle this by doing my best to avoid my computer on weekends and trying to get out of the apartment together, which is mostly working for me, but YMMV.