Ask HN: I received a great offer, but am unsure about relocating

I'm a marketer, and back when I was fairly junior in my career and working at ad agencies, the small agency I was at hit some rough times. I was let go, but they gave me two weeks notice and within that time I secured three other offers.

One of the offers was in Troy, MI at a very reputable agency on a big auto account. Somehow I had convinced them that I was at a Director level when I was like three years out of school, but it was the beginning days of digital media, and I knew more than most so was able to really sell myself.

Anyway, so the role would require I move from where I lived in Chicago at the time to somewhere near Troy. I had just started dating a wonderful woman and was incredibly torn. Do I go for an early career boost to salary and comp and end what seemed like the most promising relationship I'd been in at that point in my life (since she would not have relocated at that point in our relationship)? Or do I stay local and take less pay than the other opportunity (still a nice bump over what I had been at) and stay with her.

In the end I turned down that offer in MI to take the Chicago offer. As luck would have it, the auto account I was going to work on (Chrysler) went bankrupt two weeks later.

I got awesome experience at the agency I chose, and realized I would have been WAY out of my depth at the place in MI given my actual experience, and would probably have been setup for failure.

Shortly after, she and I moved in together. A few years and jobs later, I ended up marrying her and back in 2013 we both moved for work again (well, mostly because I was sick of Chicago winters) to the Bay Area where we've been ever since. While things are insanely expensive here, I love the weather and lifestyle I have here that I could never have in Chicago.

Here's the thing...soul mates are a bit harder to find than jobs, especially when you are in an in-demand field and are fending off recruiters with a stick. If you can get a job offer at your dream company, you can get a job offer at a slightly less dreamy company and make things work on the relationship side. Or your relationship might implode and you might be stuck regretting not making the jump. It worked out for me and I have zero regrets, but that's survivor bias.

Other options might include seeing if they'll let you work remotely or seeing if she'll agree to move temporarily and reassess at a given point.

I'm not clear how senior you are in your field, but relocation can be a bumpy ride depending on how much support you would have from them. Relocating while moving in together for the first time adds major stress and bumpiness. If you feel this could be the one, you should do everything you can to stay with them and make things work. If you are not sure or have doubts, you might need to do some real soul searching.

I chose the girl (dropped out of college and started working in my career at a low level to afford housing together) and ended up making waay more money in the long run thanks to her help.

I do think there's room for a third option where you take the job and get the girl, but you will need to figure out if you are actually going to propose to her or if you are just "likely going to propose".

ETA the housing situation is bad enough in SV that I definitely wouldn’t do it again

SV will only disfigure your soul. The rest of the country will probably take your body along for the ride.

PS> If you come to feel that a lot of what SV does is "dirty", there's nothing stopping you socking-away those big paychecks and doing something righteous with them later.

I guess it really depends on whether or not you're actually gonna propose to the girl or not though. Decide that and then your job decision becomes easier.

I've been in your position. I moved to the USA from Australia to work my dream job. While there I met the girl I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with. She decided to move to the UK. I dropped everything to follow her.

I lived in a city that I did not find interesting.

I worked a job just for the money (you can imagine how quickly I burnt out).

I was surrounded by people every day that I couldn't connect with.

Over a year later and now I'm finally getting back to what I want to do with my life. We're not on this earth for long mate, make the most of your time.

My ex unexpectedly landed his dream job at one of the big tech companies. We had been together for around a year, and were looking at buying a house together. Using the "L" word, met the parents, were chatting about getting married and how we might have kids (being gay means that requires more planning). He doesn't have a college education, but was really good at what he does, so it was kind of a no brainer that he'd take that job. I had no interest in moving to the Bay Area. I loved where I was living, and that's where my family and close friends are. We ended up breaking up as a results and aren't on good terms (he left without saying goodbye and I, uh, handled it less than professionally). [as an aside: while I don't necessarily think there were problems in our relationship, I do acknowledge that it's possible that he wanted an easy out of the relationship which this job provided for him]

Flash forward a few years, and I'm dating another guy. We've been together for about 6 months when I win a couple of coding challenges and get some offers for jobs in the Bay Area. Until that point, I had been on this 12-18 month cadence of looking for new jobs. Existing jobs weren't really giving raises, and the work wasn't super interesting... I was basically a glorified report writer for large companies. So, I decided to make the jump, and ended up first in a health tech incubator, and later at a well known health tech company. My bf has no interest in moving to the Bay Area, but he comes out and visits every few months, and I go back home about once a month to see him and hang out with friends and family.

There's no winning on either side. For me, it was clear that the kind of work that I want to do is in the Bay Area. There's definitely a more "let's build it" or "let's solve these problems" attitude, instead of "we just need a paper pusher" kind of attitude. I like being able to wear hoodies to work and not being looked down upon. I like being able to go to meetups and see the folks who build software that I use. I think it's pretty cool to grab lunch with colleagues at google or apple. Beyond work, I've grown to love hiking. I like that there aren't mosquitoes really here. The climate is right for me. There's a pretty long list of things that I like.

I think I was an idiot to not follow my ex out to California. I was so sure about the direction of my life at the time that I couldn't really see any other alternative. And it was really stupid that I just came out here a few years later anyway. I think my bf is an idiot for not following me out here now. But, honestly, we've made long distance work for the most part.

My unsolicited advice is that relationships are incredibly important, but so is living your life. Work is such a large part of your day, and you probably want to feel challenged and interested in what you're doing. Personally, I can't picture myself working at any job back home at this point. That'll probably change, but until then, unless my bf plans on fully supporting me financially, this is where I need to be. So, if that's similar to how you feel about work, then you should take the offer. Hopefully your gf won't be an idiot like I was.

There are 2 issues here and they are separate.

Issue #1. Is it worth relocating to SV for your "dream job"?

A few things to note are:

- There are no "dream" jobs. That's a myth. You are building someone elses vision and domesticating yourself further.

- What will your net worth become after 1, 2, and 3 years after this job relative to current opportunities of where you are at now. Will you actually get ahead and achieve your Real dreams and life purpose, or merely toil away in a land far from loved ones and spend precious years somewhere you do not want to be.

- Why do you have to move? That says something about how needy the employer is. They probably have games, "free" food, and noisy open offices.

Issue #2. Fear of the loss of love(r)

- Are you genuinely happy and secure in your relationship? If you were going to propose. You would have done so already and not weigh different options. Men are decisive and when they are not, it is because their intuition ia telling them something.

- If she would not move with you. Would you move if she "got her dream job offer". How would that play out a) she took it or b) she didn't take it and "stayed" with you. Reflecting on this question will reveal something to you about the quality of your relationship, as well as the power dynamic and is useful analysis.

- Do her goals and yours line up? Moving in together is Common Law marriage. Look up the stats on how many women get pregnant in such situations after X months. Apply an estimate for when you will have your first child (if she wants kids and you both can biologically have them). Decide if you really want this and are ok with the probability.

- Are any underhanded tactics such as "if you loved me, you would stay" being used or mentioned? If anything resembles this uncomfortable line of questioning, then it's time to take a hard look at whether it is the right thing to continue being together.

Hope this gives something to think about and meaningful insights as a result.

There are 6 big fears that a person can have. And I suspect a couple are at play and hindering decisive action.

Also, I'm going to be hard on you with the passive language:

"I recently received a compelling offer..."

So you mean that an offer landed on your lap from the heavens, with no volition or involvement from yourself?

Or did you mean that you DELIBERATELY sought out a killer opportunity and nailed it?

If it fell from the heavens, then it wouldn't be a discussion point. I am suspecting it is the latter. Your behaviour and choices are telling you something. Do not second guess yourself and do not let the fear of the loss of love get in the way of your happiness. She is your girlfriend. Not your wife. Not the mother of your children. Not your sister. Not your mother.

I'm a woman. There is no way in hell I would move to follow a boyfriend to a new city. But, I did follow my husband's military career all over the world.

Have you considered proposing? Tell her you want to take the offer and you want her to go with you, as your wife. See if that resolves it.

I would say take the job as it will help you long run. Relationships are very uncertain and you do not know what this girl wants.

Take the job and tell the girl about your plans and go with flow.

My boyfriend came from country A to country B to move in with me, at some considerable professional cost to himself (left PhD track in hot field with, admittedly, kind of useless supervisor, for boring cookie cutter "research" in my institute). We are not the youngest (mid-30s, early 40s), and we wanted to see if living together would make us or break us, after several years of long distance relationship. It was a risk, obviously more so for him than for me.

Four years later, I followed him back to country A, for a (not very big) cut in both our salaries, but more interesting jobs for both of us. He got a job offer, then I searched and found something for myself, too.

We are identifying quite a lot with our field / jobs, but the main decision driver was "us". For instance, I would have followed him back to country A no matter what, and he, in turn, wouldn't have taken the job offer in A had I also not found a job.

Hate to assume too much about your cultural background but my thinking is: unless there is a concrete commitment between you and your SO in the form of marriage, you should not be tied down to your current location no matter how good of a person they are and how well they treat you etc. when something like this comes up.

I have relocated to different cities during my career - 3 times to be exact. I have recently relocated to a new country in a another continent. You're right there is some amount of churn and stress involved in the process of the change. But that is only for the first 3-4 months after which you settle into a level of comfort.

However, every time I made the move I have looked back and felt that making the move, enduring the stress of change, was totally worth in the end in terms of the vast improvements in opportunities, personal development, financial gains and the many many new avenues that opens up and the new people that I met were totally worth the short term 'pain'.

From what I see, it's something that you want, and in the end, it's a job, something which enables you to pay your bills and be an adult, something you depend on.

So, I would just do it. When I've got an offer to move to Germany and wanted to go there, my partner just did with me, even though she had to struggle a bit with the language to then find a job, she did it, now she's happy about it, just as she was we came here. And in the end, this can also go away, and you'll be stuck with your old town, no girlfriend and your poor choice.

If you don't do it and stay with her there and do what was your plans before, it's very likely that this will become a subject when you fight and this could be even worse, you would feel that this specific decision as dragged you down future-wise in life, getting you to blame her perhaps forever.

I know this can look individualistic. But seriously, there's special people everywhere, you could move in and find a new love, I don't know. I feel that if you are made for each other, you would like to be part of the plan of one another, or to respect and do the best to support the interest of your partner, as for instance, when you are married, you indeed got a contract which in case you get divorced, you get 50%, so even in economical terms it would be great to take decision to go wherever pays best for the couple. If my wife would get a good job and I could just stay at home and keep things tidy until I would also find one, I would definitely do it, why not? :-)

my 2 cents.

It sounds like you're young, treat the relocation as a temporary thing. If it's a company that's going to make your resume then I look at it as a one to two year commitment and then you can do whatever you want. I would say try and also spin the travel, explore new areas, be adventurous kind of lifestyle, home will always be there, and since you don't yet have kids I would travel explore and enjoy the heck out of whatever time you've got left.

The biggest red flag to me is this quote:

>My fear is that I may need to choose between a great offer or the girl I am likely going to propose to.

This seems like an unfair ultimatum for her to give you. Maybe the reason why she is putting on the breaks isn't about the relocation. Its possible she doesn't share the same vision of the future as you.

At the end of the day there are plenty of fish in the sea, both in terms of jobs and significant others so do what feels right and don't look back.