HN Explorer

Ask HN: What do you think of this sales email? and the ending call to action?

2 points by fosokoko ↗ HN
Hello ,

We are a local company, we have built a (one liner intro).

You can use our service <user story>

We are already deploying in <another industry but same function>

I can give you a 15 minute demo at your convenience. Please let me know if there is a suitable time for us to connect.

Thank you for your time. Your input will be immensely helpful to a young company.

Regards,

16 comments

[ 3.2 ms ] story [ 51.9 ms ] thread
sharemywin
To me that's spam.

1. find a way to personalize. visit their website etc.

2. focus on what you can do for them. ie.

Are you looking for a way to get more customers for your new business?

Is your website getting the traffic it should?

Could your business benefit from a 1000% increase in website traffic?

[deleted]
(comment deleted)
fosokoko
Should I start the second para with these type questions ? right after the one liner intro?
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(comment deleted)
leff_f
Great idea to ask input on HN! The message you are sending (purely IMHO) We are a local company.... - We are important! You can use our service... - Working with us is optional We are already deploying in ... Our success doesn't depend on you I can give you a 15 minute demo ... - I'll just use some of your time Thank you for your time. Your input.... - After all I said, we kinda need you.
leff_f
Sorry for missing line breaks :(
fosokoko
What do you think of the last line? should I nix it ?
leff_f
The last line is the only one I really liked. LOL
leff_f
To be fair. Here are the good things: good idea to talk about what is the company and how the service could be used. Great idea to mention the previous success. "Your input will be … " - very good!
leff_f
Let's apply a formula to your email: You are important to us and we need your input I care about you and I'll take as little of your time as possible I'd like to give you something important and will not waste your time I appreciate the time you already spent! Let's work together!

Hope this structure helps.

troydavis
Skip the entire cold email and figure out a way to get the people you think should care about your thing, to care.

Generally “content marketing” is the term for that, but a better way to think about it is: think of the problems faced by the people who might use your thing. What do they think about? What other tools do they use?

Now, go write useful blog posts about that stuff. If you publish interesting things, people will actually want to hear from you. You’ll earn their trust and won’t need to beg or spam for it.

Seth Godin explains this well: http://sethgodin.typepad.com/seths_blog/2008/01/permission-m...

… and the first 4 chapters of his book are online: http://www.sethgodin.com/permission/thanks.asp

fosokoko
great resource thank you for your insight!