Ask HN: How to deal with having a high EQ?

IQ?

So, first, what you are describing is not high EQ. EQ (Emotional Quotient) typically is analogous to IQ in that it is about your ability to recognize and handle emotions. So, you may have high EQ, because you were able to recognize an emotional problem and ask for some advice, but that is not the name of your problem.

Classically, you would be described as "sensitive". That's not a bad thing, but it can be a difficult trait to function with as a team lead. I'm rather sensitive too, and it has prevented me from taking appropriate actions when a team member wasn't pulling their weight. So, that's a problem.

I find that what helps me is to realize that if you worry too much about hurting one person (the focus of whatever current problem you are managing), that not correcting the issue will result in the hurt of other team members later. Your team trusts you to look ahead and prevent future hurts (that's why you are the leader), so you really shouldn't make that trade. It's not easy to do, but once you've made that mistake once its easy to remember the other hurt team members that will be unhappy if you don't address the immediate issue. In short, experience is a harsh teacher - do you want to learn from the mistakes of others or the hard way?

This is also a good way to help distinguish whether you should take action when someone is wrong. Everyone is wrong sometimes, but some kinds of wrong are harmless, and taking it easy is the better thing to do in that case.

You need to set better expectations for yourself and your team. There are going to be times where expectations are not met due to unforseen issues. There is nothing wrong with having a friendly nature

Look into nonviolent communication. Despite the name, it’s about much more than communication.

Provides techniques to re-frame, digest and transform emotional hurts that make the process more efficient and less impactful.

I’ve been using it and teaching it for a decade and can testify to its effectiveness.

One way of thinking about EQ includes self-awareness and self-management as components of your overall EQ (which may also include understanding others, for example).

So, being aware of this is good. Being aware that you are causing the issues you face is great.

However, you seem to have the attitude (from this limited sample) that this is a concrete fact of life (that's my understanding from your post).

If you're aware that some aspect of your "over friendly nature" takes away from your ability to lead your team effectively, and you don't adjust, you're not practicing sound self-management, which is an important aspect of EQ (just like some folks need to be aware that they become angered easily and adjust accordingly).

My advice is to pretend like you came to yourself for advice with your current situation. Using your ability to understand others, what would you advise? What practices should change? You may find that this exercise will give you more "next steps" than will other folks taking stabs in the dark online.

A final thought is this. You care about your team being effective and satisfied with their leadership. Currently, you aren't providing what they need. You're actually not displaying excellent EQ in this way. How can you put aside your natural tendencies to offer your team what they need?

Yes, this sounds like me. It's very hard. I spent a day worrying that my lead was going to scold me about something minor, and he never mentioned it. The only way I stopped worrying was to repeat "stop caring. don't care." to myself. When someone does inevitably become confrontational about something, I am careful to subdue my ego as much as possible. Make a quick, succinct apology, and immediately move on to solutions. Never belabor anything. If things get bad enough, I'll remove myself for a while and go do something else until my head is clear.

I tried Team Lead role twice and I had to step down to sleep well.

Unfortunately I couldn't bring together strict or sometimes stupid management expectations and my friendly relation with the team mates. In my opinion the higher management too often expects Team Leads to act as managers. Once you get into their world of politics, secrets, appraisals your relation with the team gets complicated.

So finally I have found Technical Lead/Architect/Principal Engineer roles as best match for myself. I can digest politics as everyone else in the team but most importantly I can lead my followers by inspiration and friendly discussion.

Leading, not managing!

I used to be like this several years ago but through reading, discussion and self-reflection, I've come to realize that these feelings come from within and may not mirror reality. These are thoughts that we put in our heads.

In order to get out of it, we have to change our mindset. I would be happy to coach you through it but there is nothing wrong with being friendly while being strict. In fact, there are times when being strict is the right thing to do.

There are different techniques that you can learn to communicate wrongdoings. There are also ways where you can exhibit how being transparent and making mistakes do not necessarily mean failure.

When things are wrong, your team needs you to be honest with them. They want to do better. They want to perform to the best of their ability. Make it so that it's not about them but rather about the issue at hand. Let them come to the solution themselves. Let them want to fix it themselves. Do not blame the person but work together to resolve the issue.

This is a muscle that you have to practice developing - it'll hurt at first.

Small things you can start off with:

- Use less emoji's when interacting via SMS or Slack with your colleagues. Indicate a little less sentiment.

- Learn to say no, nicely.

- Stop being obligated into situations you don't want to be part of (meetings, situations, etc)

Some people will say that you're "imagining" these thoughts - that they aren't reality. If you have a high EQ, you may not be, and this may be what is actually going on. Consider this a gift - that you feel like you might be able to "read" people. Also be aware that you could be wrong on this.

Regardless - you can't live your life based on other peoples emotions. Act accordingly - if it helps, act as if you couldn't read that person.

Happy to chat about this further.

I'm just like you. I did openly discuss with my boss. One suggestion he shared was - "Do not worry about things you cannot control. For eg. Emotions of others. Just worry about what you could control and improve. As long as you know what and why for your actions, you can stay less worried"