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This is a really nasty, cold-hearted piece of writing. I can see you've worked hard at the style: it has that self-satisfied, superior-minded ring about it that is so often found among the "columnists" of all those ghastly overstuffed weekend newspapers and passes for "dry wit" among the modern-day chattering classes. But really, are you proud of yourself for being so mocking and judgmental towards all these people? Is that what they teach your wife in church? I don't believe for a moment your opening claim that your desire to rent out a room was motivated by an aversion to selfishness. You sound like a deeply unpleasant person to me. I hope nobody I care about ever rents a room from you.
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We are thinking to write a part two with positive reviews. We've had 4 times more good people stay, and excellent ratings (superhost) on that popular bed and breakfast service.
I almost forgot, I added our friends from Saudi. Contrarily, I would love for your friends to come stay with me so that I can take their money; despite house self-righteous you make them sound.
This could've been a hilarious piece if not written with such mean judgement. It's hard to not read some of the descriptions as racist, such as 'I know many of his “homies” are respectfully and cost effectively vegetarian'.

I think the moral of the story is, you guys should probably start doing background checks before moving someone in.

Good advice. But then aren't we just as discriminatory as apartment complexes that don't want the lower class filling their spaces with trash?
I guess I'm not sure what you're referring to. Apartment complexes filter more on credit score, while I was referring to criminal record background checks, which were what you mentioned in your article. And if you really believed that, why did you get background checks on your tenants after they had moved out? That said, I don't especially believe most apartment complexes 'don't want the lower class filling their spaces with trash' so I guess it's not relevant.
Maybe you should stop being racist and do some background checks.
You're everything that's wrong with San Fransisco.