Getting close to 40, mid life crisis, depression, and finding release

You gotta change something and there's really just one option. I'm in a similar situation and recently read about Effort-Reward-Imbalance. Both variables tend towards 0 for me and to fight this darkness and boredom I started my first new project in years, a bookkeeping app of all things boring... Maybe you do miss development or smaller companies to work for. Better you pull the plug now before you burn out over this.

It doesn't help that the time between the late 30's through the early 40's is the nadir of life satisfaction in general.

You may want to talk to a professional if it is really getting to be too much to handle. A good councilor will help you figure out your own path and help you identify what needs to change.

Depression is both a cause of and result of hopeless thinking. Once your are on that cycle it can be really hard to break out of it. Consider a checkup with your doctor in case there is something physically wrong in the mix. But more likely you want to see a therapist or psychiatrist to talk through what is going on. They can be incredibly helpful at helping you get out of that cycle or at least stop feeling worse and worse. If nothing else try reading books or blogs about people living with depression to maybe find some help or advice.

Read "Your Money or Your Life." It will help you clarify your thinking on the job front. Some people I know use it as a spark to change their situation. Others find it helps them find peace where they are.

Most of all: you have a lot going on with you right now. If you can find a way to carve out time to do something for yourself and by yourself that can help make the hard parts of your life seem less insurmountable. Try offering the same to your wife. She may be just as depressed as you are and that is part of the nagging.

Lastly, don't worry about the less than a year thing. People understand sometimes things don't work out. When you interview for other jobs don't say why it was awful, just say it wasn't a good fit and have some innocuous reasons to hand for why that was. Preferably some things which your new employer would be doing differently.

It sounds like you have a lot to offer once you figure out where you want to go towards, not just away from.

Hello friend. I was in the same situation as you but it happened a bit later in my life. You need to find something outside of work and outside of the family that makes YOU happy. For me I found reading books I would not normally read (non technical) and shooting at a near by range to be ME time. I look forward to it and that makes all the difference in the world. Currently, I'm reading the whole series of Dexter books. Grab the book and head to a coffee shop... has to be out of the home... enjoy a cup of coffee and a book alone. The shooting has been great too. I now have several buddies (from the job I do not like) that meet at the range every few weeks and we spend a few hours together talking guns and ammo and other things. I hope this helps you. I know that situation well and it can be very depressing.

Perhaps you've been making decisions based on factors other than what YOU want. Now you have a life full of things you don't want. I would say take a step back and get to know yourself again.

It’s all about priorities. You’re confused on what matters the most in life and this happens to a lot of people in your exact same situation. Your kids, your wife. Let’s put your job aside. A job is nothing, you’re not a founder you’re not following your own mission so it’s just about the money to support your family. Some people would argue here but these people don’t have a real purpose in life.. again, they don’t follow their own missions AND they don’t value family.

So, focus on your family and try to find happiness by watching your kids growing and learning about new stuff. Screaming comes from a lack of general knowledge. They’re just kids... play your role in being a dad and just learn how to appreciate what you and your wife have created. That is your real mission in life. Love your wife, help your family, inspire your kids.

Same situation only a bit later in life (I've got good genes, knock on wood...) In fact, I already had a mid-life crisis in my 30s, coz my first wife told me I would die at 60 (she was a palm-reader.) So my advice to the youngsters reading this: have your mid-life crisis before your first hemorrhoid, it helps. Regarding the wifey and kids, I found a partner who knows my situation at home and we do crazy things with her just to blow the steam. Then I confess on Sunday and it's all good.

In most cases, atleast in middle-class America, life is a prison of your own making. I think a lot of people hope for an external agency to magically take them out of their current situation, when, in most cases the only agency that can help you is yourself.

If you feel the need to provide a stable life for your family at present and not make any dramatic changes (like moving), then the best option to come out of your funk is to engage with the world right around you. Do something hip (even if you make fun of it), play some team sports, engage with your community or neighbors and participate whole-heartedly in activities even if they seem stupid to you and most importantly, engage with your wife and kids, do something that your wife is asking of you, play with your kids without thinking of the other stuff! Ultimately, what I have found for me is that interaction and having mindless fun with friends and family always gets me out of depressing thoughts like you are having.

Even though the grass always seems greener elsewhere or it seems like there are way more things in life you could be doing or achieving, the reality is that feeling good doesn't really need all of that.

Oh, also, on the side, do pursue your idea of getting a remote job that is more interesting, but keep your expectations low. Make the attempt instead of thinking of the various negatives. Good luck!

As others have pointed out negative thinking is a bitch as it always finds ways to reaffirm itself.

That being said. You never really make it. There is no magical "release". You will always have to cope with, all sorts of things that you did not really ask for - that's just part of life. Everyone goes through life like that, even the people on Magazine covers and Instagram.

Life is hard and challenging and all the better for it. With challenge comes growth. You may have to make some hard decisions but being sick and tired of it all is a good place to be. It forces you to think of ways to change.

It sounds like you live for the future but don't have any vision of what that future is or know why you are trading your time now for time later.

You could try living in the present more. Alan Watts' The Book is a good way to explore that perspective shift, if you enjoy reading philosophy.

If not, try questioning your assumptions and getting out of your comfort zone a bit. The prison exists because we forget that we made the walls and the bars.

One thing that might help is to talk with a licensed clinical mental health professional. Helping people in circumstances like yours is what they do. Good luck.

You may be able to save your marriage and your family and you sanity. Have faith even though contentment seems impossible now.

How's your diet? Do you work out? Take care of your body. Do you meditate? 15 minutes in the morning of sitting and watching your breath can be a transformation.

Have you seen a counselor? Do you regularly go on dates with your wife? Do you have guys nights out with your buds?

There's a lot of little adjustments that can be made. You don't have just ONE problem, you have a lot of interconnected ones. There's no way to fix them all at once. Even if you filed for divorce, moved out, and did freelance basket weaving you'd just have another set of problems. Better to fix what you have than destroy it, we're not cell phones or toasters, we're not disposable.

Stay, fix this one step at a time. It's like a hoarders garage, lots will need to go, some stuff should stay, and you gotta just start slowly at one corner and work you way through it like an infinitely patient monk.

You may also want to try reading the book "12 Rules for life" from Jordan Peterson. There's an audio book too. It's got a lot of well laid out and researched stuff for making life better.

I manage by doing things like riding a bicycle with my daughter after dinner, playing with the dog, reading old novels or reading about computer science (as a hobby, I don't work in IT), and reading stoic philosophy.

Perhaps you should take some time to talk to your "nagging wife" and work out your issues

Sounds like you need to identify some activities that bring you joy and satisfaction, and then pursue them more aggressively.

Well, I'm only 26 and feel exactly the same. I don't have a wife, not even a girlfriend, not a single obligation. But I still wake up every day to go to a job I hate, and come home to nothing, feeling empty, like I am only wasting my time.

Why don't I switch jobs? Why don't I do this or that? Because I've been "switching lifestyles" (switching jobs, moving in with the GF, switching GFs, being single, etc) for the past 8 years, and every time I end up with the exact same feelings: overwhelmed, confused, depressed, stressed. So I've decided to go with the flow for a while and see what happens.

Bottom line is: sorry I can't give you any advice, but I guess life is hard no matter your situation, so I hope this can give you some consolation.

> "I feel like a little bit of me is lost every day, as my mind just spirals out of control."

I can relate to that sentence. I've been there. Sometimes it still feels like I am there.

Like others have said, I would reach out to a therapist. While I'm biased because my wife is a therapist, I saw one in college for 2 years and it changed my life. I had many of the same thoughts you are having now. Allowing myself to open up with what I was thinking and feeling was the only way I was able to get myself out of that cycle of feeling powerless over my own life.

Yes this question has appeared here too many times. :(

As someone who went through depression/burnout/divorce at 40 I really feel for what you are going through.

I wish there was an easy answer. The bottom line is don't go through this alone - get professional help.

That said, I've been through a couple of periods of burnout/depression (I'm coming up to 56 now), here's what has helped me:

1) Long walks in the fresh air every day (don't underestimate this one!). 2) CBT. 3) Taking six months off work! 4) Travel and a new hobby (scuba diving). 5) Friends and family, especially my awesome brothers, and my partner of 12 years.

Take it one step at a time. Good luck!

Try playing Paintball. You'll likely meet new people and you get to shoot them!

This is Water

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8CrOL-ydFMI

http://bulletin-archive.kenyon.edu/x4280.html

Please reach out to a therapist. I promise you weeks or months from now you'll be glad you did. I've seen a few specialists in person, but I would recommend starting with Talkspace, which is a great app + way to get going NOW seeing someone.

https://talkspace.com

Find a new job, job happiness will roll over into your home situation.

Yeah, it "looks bad" to be at a job less than a year, but if someone hires you, what does it really matter? I'm sure you can come up with a good reason you need to leave the job.

If you don`t have "release" at home but feel like you are nagged there, then settle that first! I know my wife for 12 years (we are both 31y old), and we had ups and downs in our relationship. I know when we did not feel like we had support from each other at home, that that spilled out to every other sphere of our lives and we felt miserable. We grew out of that silliness, and are now living the most beautiful times of our lives. Yes, I don`t like my job either for X reasons (software engineer at gambling company), but love and understanding with her is keeping the balance up. Also, one other thing that helped is mindfulness. Just read "Mindfulness in plain English", it is such a wonderful book. Try to practice it both while sitting and meditating and in "real" life. One other thing that insta-leveled my mindfulness and made me more ok with bad/boring/sad things in life is ayahuasca but that is another story.