Ask HN: Is being an introvert okay?

Why are you growing away from people? There has to be a reason.

I faced a similar battle and realized I was just growing a lot faster than the people around me and just needed broader experiences. In the end, I learned to focus on QUALITY of relationships, not QUANTITY. I learned that one amazing woman is better than a hundred models. I learned that one loyal friend is better than a hundred cool ones.

Not all who wander are lost...

It would be, if you were naturally that way. The fact that you're questioning it seems to suggest you're not acting like yourself.

Seek help, from a friend, or maybe even a professional.

It is if you're okay with it.

Functioning and even prospering in modern society requires you to be plugged in and socialize. You can live fine off the grid and being an outsider but with each option you have the advantages or disadvantages.

Do you and what makes you happy.

I would say that there's no need to learn how to gel with people you don't like. I'd consider trying to learn how to like others, though, which actually is different.

Find out what others like the way you like things. And talk to them about those things. This will give you something to chat about, teach you something about a subject you didn't know about before, and possibly earn them some respect in your eyes.

But beyond that, just seek out people who do share your interests. There are plenty. Me, for example. There are too many people out there who you will get along with great instantly to stress over those who are basically asleep.

But when in a pinch, it's good to try and get them to talk about something they can teach you about.

Good luck to you. And if none of that works, ping me at daniel@danielmiessler.com, and we can chat physics (I'm an amateur) and metal (old school).

Cheers.

Yes, it is OK. However modern business tends to select strongly against introverts. So my advice would be to look for some classes on public speaking, or possibly look for a nearby chapter of Toastmasters.

http://www.toastmasters.org/

When you get out into the business world, you'll find that standing up in front of a group and giving presentations is an important skill. It might be for something as simple as explaining why X is the wrong direction and Y is a better direction. You'll need to be able to sell yourself when it comes to business - after all, that is what a job interview is.

Pick up First, Break All The Rules to learn the difference between talents and skills.

Being extroverted is a talent. If you're an introvert, no amount of willpower is going to make dealing with strangers more fun. That said, you can be good at it. Some of the top public speakers and sales people are introverts. But when they walk off the stage, they need their space.

That said, my advice is to find ways to be happy with being who you are. And you're hardly going to be alone out there. I've seen figures indicating that about 3/4 of programmers are introverted. There is something about interacting intensely with a computer that does not appeal so strongly to extroverts. So, depending on what you want to do, being an introvert could be an advantage.

I spent a decent amount of my life thinking there was something wrong with me for being an introvert. This is mostly because everyone who isn't introverted sees it as really weird.

I'm just happier alone, or with a small group. And now I accept that, and it's great.

Even though that's true, I loved selling Dyson vacuum cleaners when I was a kid. I still love persuading people to see things my way and speaking in public. So you can be introverted but still able to work with people. It's a developed skill, and I was lucky enough to pick it up through retail in high school.

It's okay to be an introvert if being that way makes you happy. If what you're saying is that you're lonely, that's a different kettle of fish.

Finding fellowship can be a challenge. Being at a university helps – you've got a great shot at finding more like-minded people. If you can strike a balance between alone time and people whose company you genuinely like, you're in good shape. I know it's easier said than done, though. It may help to accept there's nothing wrong with introverted inclinations. People like people who are true to themselves.

Many great minds were introverted. Or so I read.

Being an introvert has nothing to do with having bad social skills, mate. It's just perception directed towards yourself, feeling good being alone, etc. but it does not have to result in bad social relations. It's common among geeks to be introvert just like extraverts occupy f.ex. PR and media, and there's nothing wrong with that.

Frankly I don't get what advice are you seeking - you can't force yourself to hang with people you don't like or are not attracted to, do what makes you feel good.

To truly answer your question, you need context. First of all, remember that everyone has an introverted and an extraverted side. It's just a matter of which one is dominant. A person who is totally introverted would be completely unable to interact with anyone else on any level. A person who is completely extraverted would be unable to do anything without relying on other people. So you can see that it's important for everyone to be both introverted and extraverted.

So with that in mind, being an introvert is a good and wholesome thing as long as you realize that you have an extraverted side that needs attention too. For instance, I make a conscious effort to do something sociable on occasion even if I have to drag myself. In doing so, I can engage my extraverted side without having to turn myself into an extravert.

My perspective is screw what other people think. It is true that for whatever reason most people think introverts are bad, probably because they aren't entertaining enough.

But, once you can say screw it, you learn to treat such social interactions as a game, and you get adept at the entertaining aspect. In fact, I've found that I can say things that spark people's interest more easily because I'm an introvert and I understand what's going on better.

The key idea here is to understand you nature and adapt to it or going against it, depending on what you want.

If you're more comfortable being isolated and feel a pleasure by doing difficult tasks - go further and do some programming or research. You will probably succeeded above average, because focusing, concentration and avoiding distractions is the most important things.

If on the other hand, you feel uncomfortable and sometimes have an urge to be with people (mostly girls) - then you should change yourself, develop a new habits and smooth communication skills. In this case just go out and learn by doing.

Many introverts are trying to avoid unpleasant practices by reading tons of book on subjects. That is a mistake. Information cannot replace actual experience. Knowledge of a theory is not a substitute for a personal realization.

I think I am an introvert as well. My advice to you is to try getting out of your comfort zone as much as you can. By that I mean try to hang out with people who you don't share your interests with.

I think it's best to find a balance. I'm both introverted and extroverted, extroverted just takes more energy but also results in more energy being given back to you from other people.

Yes, it's ok. If you accept that in yourself. But ever go to a party and not talk to anyone and have a miserable time? And gone to a party and talked to people and had a better time? My advice is pick a non-computer related hobby. The hard part is that it has to be something you are generally interested in and would like to become better at. For me, a hobby was Salsa dancing. I was enthralled by the instructor dancing with his sexy partner at my very first lesson. I was hooked before the lesson even commenced (demo was first). The sooner you push yourself willingly, the better. And remember, showing up is 50% of the struggle when it comes to situations where you push yourself out of your comfort zone. Today, I hung out with three female friends and went to an art show and had lunch with them. I just finished studying a couple chapters of a textbook on computer graphics. I'd like to say that hanging out with friends was more fun but it wasn't - I prefer my own company to that of others. Good luck, think of talking about technical topics like talking about the weather. As other posters have said - find out about what people like, what people feel. Share the experience of being insecure. Go up to a woman that you feel drawn to and stand there and say "I have to say. I'm very nervous to talk to you but I had to walk over and say hi."

Being an introverted personality is perfectly fine. You don't need to be an extrovert to become a founder or CEO of a company. Don't compare yourself with someone you see in univ or try to become one. I know there will some difficulties when it comes to relationships but it is just a matter of time.

If you're introverted, you NEED time alone. It's how your body, mind, and soul replenish themselves. It can feel like a hindrance sometimes, but it's how you're wired. The good news is that it's not inherently an obstacle to a fulfilling social life.

My advice is to determine how much "me time" you need every day. Give it to yourself, but be careful not to succumb to any anti-social tendencies. The fact is, people are important, and good social skills will serve you as well as, if not better, than good hacking skills. (For one thing, the more people you know, the more opportunities come your way.)

I think the main problem introverts have is we have trouble "just hangin'". This is because it's physically draining to just idly fritter the day away with others. Unfortunately, that's where a lot of social bonding comes from. The way I've gotten around this is to limit my time in group settings -- but when I'm with people, I make sure I'm "on". A party, a dinner, a night out, a meeting, whatever. As long as I've had time alone to charge up, I'm good to go.

Some other posters have mentioned public speaking. I've noticed that introverts are often GREAT performers. I know this is true for myself. Public speaking, acting, music, introverts seem to really come alive on stage. I think the reason is twofold.

For one, we're already pretty comfortable inside our own skins, and for another, it's an outlet to express whatever it is we need to express without the draining meandering of ordinary dialogue. If you're having trouble branching out you might try an acting class. I've found these to be awesomely rewarding.

After many years I've come to think of my introversion as a glorified speech impediment. If you let it get in the way, it will, but if you put a little effort into it, it's something people won't even notice after a while.

And oh yeah, on campus you'll likely come across some "cool loner" types from time to time. Most likely they'll be on a motorcycle. These, my friend, are introverts. Careful observation of how they navigate social situations could prove valuable.

Aversion to interacting with people who seem dissimilar to yourself is a behaviour worth changing.

As much as you may enjoy your alone time, you must realize that getting to know people is more important in the long run than being comfortable now.

This is especially true in the startup world where knowing the right people and having smart people on your team is arguably just as essential to your success as all those late nights hard at work you may put in.

The only way you get to meet these "right" people, is to meet A LOT of people, and that means pushing outside of your comfort zone.

Never ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever underestimate networking and getting to know the right people in the right places. Ever.

Introverted is one thing, I am as well. I like my time to think, explore, etc. But being shy and not liking the differences of others because it is things you don't like is a cause for concern.

Additionally, not taking the time to learn and thus practice the necessary skills to networking appropriately will only place you behind the 8 ball, so to speak, in what you do. Being introverted can very easily put a lower ceiling on who you meet and how they can help you, or you help them.

You'd be surprised how many of us really are introverts. I talk about this subject with successful people quite often at conferences like TED, because it's so difficult and painful for me to be social even for a few hours a day at these events.

Almost everyone says the same thing, "Oh no. I'm an introvert. This is exhausting to me. I can't wait to get back to my room. But I can keep it up for a couple necessary hours."

A lot of people that seem so "on", that seem like extroverts, are actually just faking it for a short burst. Even a lot of big-name music stars are actually painfully shy when off stage. Sometimes it's the reason they want to be on stage: because they don't know how to mingle in the crowd.

So don't feel bad. Embrace it. Don't waste time with shallow socializing. Just keep working and improving.

Then when you find that rare kindred you really connect with, have deeper friendships with them, since you're not diluting your time with the shallow chatter.

Don't allow the fact that you're an introvert to be an excuse. e.g. "I'm an introvert, so it's OK for me to no talk to these people." With that being said, I believe it's OK. However, let's consider what being introverted really means. It just means that you find it more difficult to talk/relate/network with others. Some of the most outgoing people I know are really introverted - you would never know.

A few tips: 1) Always smile. 2) Don't develop preconceived notions that prevent you from building relationships. 3) Force yourself to talk with others. 4) Avoid making negative comments. Try to be enthusiastic.

If you practice this religiously, people will never know that you're introverted. I know, because this is me - no one in my social circles would ever believe me if I told them that I thought I was naturally introverted.

Based on my personal experiences, one thing I'd add to this conversation is that your level of introversion may be more mutable than you may think. People often talk about the trait like it's very stable and inborn, and I think it is to an extent, but it can change over time.

I give myself as an example. I'm 30 now, and up until my mid-twenties I could easily be considered introverted. I always got a strong 'I' on Myers-Briggs type tests. Other people told me I was introverted all the time as well,

I agreed. I loved my alone time, wasn't super motivated to socialize with others, and got drained by being with people.

I also happened to have weak social skills, and wasn't happy with that. As I improved my social skills, and gained the ability to better enjoy other people's company, I noticed a lot of my so-called inborn, introverted personality traits were lessening as the years went by:

-I wasn't getting drained by socializing any more, because it was easier, more fun, and didn't use up as much mental effort.

-I still appreciated my alone time, like everyone really, but I didn't crave it as intensely.

-My internal motivation to socialize and be around other people went way up.

-In time I started to want to hang around bigger groups of people and do louder, crazier things when I went out. It was almost like I got used to smaller events, and sometimes needed something more stimulating to get my social 'fix'

-I just got more chatty and outgoing in general.

Looking back, I feel a lot of my introverted tendencies were a result of a social skill/comfort deficit I had. They felt like a core part of my personality at the time, but looking back I don't know if they were.

That said, I still love spending some days all by myself doing nothing. But it's good to have the ability to switch into a social mode when I want to.

Being an introvert is not directly related to poor social skills. It means that you get your energy from within, from being alone with yourself. Others drain that energy from you and that's why in settings where a lot of people are around, you feel uncomfortable, and wear out very quickly. Extraverted people get energized from being around people, which is completely the opposite.

You can succeed in life being either way. Actually, a recent study showed that now close to 50% of the Fortune 2000's CEOs did acknowledge to be introverted! All that it means, is really that you need to respect your needs, and keep yourself on a schedule where you have enough alone time to charge up, and then pick the place & time to unleash all that energy to others.

You are so lucky that being in 2010, you can now also interact and network with many people the electronic way ;) This is not a replacement for the real thing, but it can definitely help you improve your social skills in an environment that does not drain your energy, nor makes you feel uncomfortable.

The bottom line? Embrace yourself, be who you are and nurture your passions & what excites you. I personally know many very successful introverts, so don't let this be your excuse for not reaching out for the stars!

Cheers!