In my experience getting ppl to admit their issues isn't the way to go. Showing them a path exists to overcome the issues, without a requirement for them to admit anything is.
Understanding that is love.
I'm really bad at finishing things. I have a lot of side projects on the go when perhaps I should focus on just one venture. But I've learned to just embrace trying to do everything at once (even if far from perfectly), and enjoying it rather than beating myself up about failing to consolidate. Might limit potential, but I like it more this way.
(I've run my main business for 20 years. I co-run a co-working space. I have a SaaS project, sports forum, involvement in some apps, a vanlife showcase, an aerial photography side business, etc. About to add something else. List of the main things here: http://www.isaacforman.com.au/)
This is a really important lesson to internalize (the first one).
In order to change peoples' minds, they have to want to see that they're wrong. I think certain personality types are innately more disposed to the sort of introspection necessary to evaluate one's beliefs and throw out what's wrong.
Really it comes down to how much you care about truth. Coming from the hard sciences, it's surprising how far you can get in this world without caring even a tiny little bit about truth in many fields, most of which involve "people" and not "things": politics, sales, marketing.
This is a really important lesson to internalize (the first one).
The second is too! I’m telling you, peanut butter is an amazing savory ingredient! You don’t have to go full Hemingway (peanut butter and onion sandwiches), but at least satay is the way. Peanut butter is especially good when it’s spicy.
Plus yes, the other stuff, but I just can’t say enough about peanut butter.
I've been considering this. In the past I've been on the side of figuring if you can control your mind then you can control your predicament. But I'm now at a point where I'm not having such fine control over my mood. So instead I need to force myself to behave in ways which may improve my environment, which will improve my mood, which will reinforce the behavior
Of course the truth of depression is that it never goes away. But this is something to try to get through a few months
Not sure if thats the kind of thing that OP meant, but I have a sheet of paper where I note all the sport I do, which motivates me to do more since I started it ~3 years ago.
I'm taking it as OP saying as ideas are a dime a dozen, so are people's opinions. Put them in place (meaning, get some from people, or cut them out of your life, if their bad) so you can get feedback.
This is double edged. I left my wife about 3 months ago now - I was really, really, not happy and I finally had enough after 8 years. Everyone had an opinion. People I thought were very good friends turned on me, gave me shit for leaving (friends of mine; not friends of ours) and others were very supportive (mostly family). Sometimes to many opinions are a bad thing; but to few can be bad also though.
Take the opinions you can get; run a filter or 2 on them and go with your heart.
(I don't talk to the people that gave me shit for doing it anymore; and I'm much more happier now, both without the wife in my life, and without those friends in my life)
Happiness is a choice. I'm not saying bad things happening are a choice, often you're not in control of that; but you are always in control of how you respond.
The unemployment numbers don't mean much. This economy is hanging on by by a few sectors that are barely successful. The 1% won. And when I watch Norma Rae--I realize that movie couldn't be made today. The cotton owners just moved the machines to another county--eliminating unions, and workers.
Oh yea, opiate addiction is not due to befuddled doctors, and corporations. It's due to a country wide depression. People are misserable on so many levels, while spirituality is kinda dead.
The extent to which we usually overestimate danger (i.e. are fearful) in non-physical situations can hardly be overstated.
We often behave as if some social triviality or temporary financial issue were actually life threatening, when indeed near-worst case scenarios are almost inconsequential. That person will judge you for a week or so then forget about it; if you fail financially you can rely on family, friends, savings, social security to not go homeless. The probabilities of bodily harm or true social outcasting are often very remote (and even outcast is often a but choice, since there are always other accepting people elsewhere).
Compare that with how much we fear climbing a simple step ladder -- we wouldn't give it much thought at all. But the probability of falling and having major bodily harm or even head trauma is perhaps much greater than the probability of poor outcomes from frightening daily situations. No that you shouldn't fear climbing ladders, just to give a perspective of how incongruent our intuitive fear can be to reality unless we police and adjust ourselves.
I heard somewhere, probably in a children's movie, something that I've talked to my kids about: Being brave is not feeling no fear, but to act even when you're afraid.
Some fears are rational, but as you say, a lot of fears are totally out of proportion. It's important to not exaggerate any negative consequences that might arise from a situation.
Another neat thing I heard in a podcast on writing was that the author fought her fear of talking in front of an audience with the fear of missing out. She knew that if she declined the invitation to speak at a convention, she would later regret missing out on the experience. So she used the latter fear to fight the former.
It's important to not attempt to remove all fear from your life, as that's bound to fail anyway and make you more anxious, but to learn to live with fear on a low enough level so that you still keep acting.
As the father of two girls, I relate to all of this. I'm sure you've heard this 1000 times, but they grow up fast, so enjoy they time you get with your daughter.
I can recall an emotion from childhood. It's an uncontrollable burst of happiness, positive energy, anticipation, and gittiness, all rolled into one. It's that feeling you got when a friend called you up and told you they just got that one toy that you guys have been fawning over for months. You ask your mom if you can go, and she says yes. You quickly get dressed and try to walk quickly to your friend's house. You find yourself running unconsciously. You're bursting with anticipation and joy. Your mind is doing laps and your body can't keep up.
I haven't had that feeling in a long long time.
Then, my kids were born. As they grow up, I see them experiencing the types of joy and happiness as I have described above. I see them laugh uncontrollably. I see them explode with joy over the smallest of positive surprises. I see how they discover the world and experience new pleasant experiences. I see their emotions when they unbox a birthday gift. I literally feel a portion of it. It's incredible!
The lonely hours are valuable, and after you have kids, rare.
But, speaking as one who is closer to the end of the process than the beginning, my biggest regret is that so often I didn't take the time or make the effort to give them love and attention when I could have.
Before we got married, my wife said she would move with me to California if I ever got a good offer from a major tech company.
This year I got an amazing job offer, and my wife threw a giant fit, told me she's not coming, and said "I took a gamble and lost. I never thought you would actually get an offer".
Now she's refusing to get a job, wants me to continue paying for our house that she's living in on the east coast (in addition to rent for my apartment in the Bay Area), wants me to pay for 20 flights per year across the country so she can visit friends and family, and has called me every mean name in the book.
So my career is going great but my marriage is falling apart.
I agree entirely. That sounds like an absolutely unhealthy relationship if she couldn't be honest with you in the first place regarding where she stood on relocation if you got a job. She basically called your bluff and lied to you, betting (wrongly) that she'd not have to pay it out.
When my first company went down the crapper my now ex-wife said "you had your chance. We are never doing that again. You will get a job like the rest of the world." But before we were married she and I talked often about entrepreneurship and building things and how my path was different. Our marriage was over at that point, but it wouldnt end for several more years. Wasted time.
This. The only decision you have to make now is how much more suffering you would like to endure. A lifetime more - or a chance to have your own life back into your own hands someday...
Being in a bad marriage is like being that poor mouse in 'An American Tale'. Looking wistfully up at the night sky, thinking "Somewhere, out there..." (there is a life that doesn't resemble hell / a distorted version of expected reality).
Obviously, I'm making a leap here that you aren't some kind of monster or what-have-you and you don't deserve any of this. ; )
It taught me that people react differently in stressful situations than they say they are going to.
Also, when I was growing up, my parents always said "divorce is wrong; you can always make a marriage work if you try hard enough". Interestingly, they've completely flipped on that opinion now that they've heard how I'm being treated, but I guess I'm still "brainwashed". If I didn't have these irrational moral qualms, I would have ended the marriage by now.
Has she visited the Bay Area for more than a week? You might win her over if she likes it enough.
If she doesn't and you value working at the offered position in that location more than your relationship (I know, it's hard to think in those terms but be honest with yourself).. The other commenters might be on to something.
Moving to the other side of the US is like moving to another country in some aspects. She didn't qualify your original question as realistic, and didn't give you an honest answer. It's understandable - but now you're the one who needs to re-evaluate what you find more important.
Best of luck with it, I'm sure in time you'll be happier than you will be in the short term! Just be decisive and don't drag things out one way or another. And remember, grudges are heavier than forgiveness.
>> have these irrational moral qualms, I would have ended the marriage by now
A twisted version of Stockholm Syndrome, trust me. That nagging feeling that says, "I don't want to rock the boat and be the bad guy", will not move you forward in life.
Doing the long-term mental gymnastics of "Things will get better if X happens or Y turns up", is just wasting more time.
Edit: Please don't read this as negative. But having been there, and having spent way too long pondering the situation... It breaks my heart to hear of those currently living through it.
Please be very careful with your next move. Unless there is a huge reason to stay (children, sick parents) then you really should think about what marriage is for you. We don't know you but no loving spouse is going to do that to their partner unless there is an unstated reason on her part. Ask lots of questions.
Thank you for having the guts to speak out about your situation. It is quite easy for strangers to tell you what to do but real life is always more complex than that.
Listen to your body when you think about your options. It is way ahead of the thinking mind and already knows what feels best.
I would say that even if she has a 180 degree change of mind and wants to go to the Bay Area, you should still opt for divorce. You have uncovered that your partner is childish and irrational.
I will also say this since no one else is: now is the best time to get divorced from a financial perspective, as your earnings are about to go up. Get out now and find someone you want to be with for decades to come...
Man, I’m sorry to tell you so, but you are not married, she is just taking advantage of you.
But, believe me, you are very, VERY, lucky.
Better to understand where you stand sooner rather than later...
347 comments
[ 21.2 ms ] story [ 5436 ms ] threadPeople lie.
Typed languages are better.
We are not defined by our intentions (no matter how noble) but rather our actions.
And that's hard work. "Work is love made visible"
Thank you though.
I'm really bad at finishing things. I have a lot of side projects on the go when perhaps I should focus on just one venture. But I've learned to just embrace trying to do everything at once (even if far from perfectly), and enjoying it rather than beating myself up about failing to consolidate. Might limit potential, but I like it more this way.
(I've run my main business for 20 years. I co-run a co-working space. I have a SaaS project, sports forum, involvement in some apps, a vanlife showcase, an aerial photography side business, etc. About to add something else. List of the main things here: http://www.isaacforman.com.au/)
Doctors are exorbitantly overpaid relative to the value they provide.
How little money matters once you have a few hundred K.
Really ?
Peanut butter is best in savory applications.
In order to change peoples' minds, they have to want to see that they're wrong. I think certain personality types are innately more disposed to the sort of introspection necessary to evaluate one's beliefs and throw out what's wrong.
Really it comes down to how much you care about truth. Coming from the hard sciences, it's surprising how far you can get in this world without caring even a tiny little bit about truth in many fields, most of which involve "people" and not "things": politics, sales, marketing.
The second is too! I’m telling you, peanut butter is an amazing savory ingredient! You don’t have to go full Hemingway (peanut butter and onion sandwiches), but at least satay is the way. Peanut butter is especially good when it’s spicy.
Plus yes, the other stuff, but I just can’t say enough about peanut butter.
https://manba.ca/T31jCjVS/wp-content/uploads/2017/08/Box-of-...
People always look at me like I've got a second head when I tell them about the wonders of peanut butter tuna. They don't understand for some reason.
It's basically a poor mans satay tuna.
Of course the truth of depression is that it never goes away. But this is something to try to get through a few months
This is double edged. I left my wife about 3 months ago now - I was really, really, not happy and I finally had enough after 8 years. Everyone had an opinion. People I thought were very good friends turned on me, gave me shit for leaving (friends of mine; not friends of ours) and others were very supportive (mostly family). Sometimes to many opinions are a bad thing; but to few can be bad also though.
Take the opinions you can get; run a filter or 2 on them and go with your heart.
(I don't talk to the people that gave me shit for doing it anymore; and I'm much more happier now, both without the wife in my life, and without those friends in my life)
Oh yea, opiate addiction is not due to befuddled doctors, and corporations. It's due to a country wide depression. People are misserable on so many levels, while spirituality is kinda dead.
We overestimate our fears most of the time.
An idea is nothing. Execution is everything.
We often behave as if some social triviality or temporary financial issue were actually life threatening, when indeed near-worst case scenarios are almost inconsequential. That person will judge you for a week or so then forget about it; if you fail financially you can rely on family, friends, savings, social security to not go homeless. The probabilities of bodily harm or true social outcasting are often very remote (and even outcast is often a but choice, since there are always other accepting people elsewhere).
Compare that with how much we fear climbing a simple step ladder -- we wouldn't give it much thought at all. But the probability of falling and having major bodily harm or even head trauma is perhaps much greater than the probability of poor outcomes from frightening daily situations. No that you shouldn't fear climbing ladders, just to give a perspective of how incongruent our intuitive fear can be to reality unless we police and adjust ourselves.
Some fears are rational, but as you say, a lot of fears are totally out of proportion. It's important to not exaggerate any negative consequences that might arise from a situation.
Another neat thing I heard in a podcast on writing was that the author fought her fear of talking in front of an audience with the fear of missing out. She knew that if she declined the invitation to speak at a convention, she would later regret missing out on the experience. So she used the latter fear to fight the former.
It's important to not attempt to remove all fear from your life, as that's bound to fail anyway and make you more anxious, but to learn to live with fear on a low enough level so that you still keep acting.
After that, i learned to value my lonely hours :)
Sometimes at the end of a long day I try to remember this :)
I haven't had that feeling in a long long time.
Then, my kids were born. As they grow up, I see them experiencing the types of joy and happiness as I have described above. I see them laugh uncontrollably. I see them explode with joy over the smallest of positive surprises. I see how they discover the world and experience new pleasant experiences. I see their emotions when they unbox a birthday gift. I literally feel a portion of it. It's incredible!
That feeling is back.
But, speaking as one who is closer to the end of the process than the beginning, my biggest regret is that so often I didn't take the time or make the effort to give them love and attention when I could have.
This year I got an amazing job offer, and my wife threw a giant fit, told me she's not coming, and said "I took a gamble and lost. I never thought you would actually get an offer".
Now she's refusing to get a job, wants me to continue paying for our house that she's living in on the east coast (in addition to rent for my apartment in the Bay Area), wants me to pay for 20 flights per year across the country so she can visit friends and family, and has called me every mean name in the book.
So my career is going great but my marriage is falling apart.
Being in a bad marriage is like being that poor mouse in 'An American Tale'. Looking wistfully up at the night sky, thinking "Somewhere, out there..." (there is a life that doesn't resemble hell / a distorted version of expected reality).
Obviously, I'm making a leap here that you aren't some kind of monster or what-have-you and you don't deserve any of this. ; )
Also, when I was growing up, my parents always said "divorce is wrong; you can always make a marriage work if you try hard enough". Interestingly, they've completely flipped on that opinion now that they've heard how I'm being treated, but I guess I'm still "brainwashed". If I didn't have these irrational moral qualms, I would have ended the marriage by now.
If she doesn't and you value working at the offered position in that location more than your relationship (I know, it's hard to think in those terms but be honest with yourself).. The other commenters might be on to something.
Moving to the other side of the US is like moving to another country in some aspects. She didn't qualify your original question as realistic, and didn't give you an honest answer. It's understandable - but now you're the one who needs to re-evaluate what you find more important.
Best of luck with it, I'm sure in time you'll be happier than you will be in the short term! Just be decisive and don't drag things out one way or another. And remember, grudges are heavier than forgiveness.
A twisted version of Stockholm Syndrome, trust me. That nagging feeling that says, "I don't want to rock the boat and be the bad guy", will not move you forward in life.
Doing the long-term mental gymnastics of "Things will get better if X happens or Y turns up", is just wasting more time.
Edit: Please don't read this as negative. But having been there, and having spent way too long pondering the situation... It breaks my heart to hear of those currently living through it.
Listen to your body when you think about your options. It is way ahead of the thinking mind and already knows what feels best.
I will also say this since no one else is: now is the best time to get divorced from a financial perspective, as your earnings are about to go up. Get out now and find someone you want to be with for decades to come...
Aren't we all.