Thank HN + Ask: What would you do? (girl advice)
I did however ask the community (http://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=1519370) whether anyone here has dealt with similar issues, and well I got a ton of useful advice (special thanks to BobbyH for being an awesome person). I really can't thank you all enough for the suggestions, and advice from personal experiences in many cases.
Anyway, I am doing great from my previous situation, and here are some of the actions I took / results: 1. Much happier now. 2. Started spending more time with friends (talking to my family weekly, they stay in another country). 3. Have started following a structured food intake, and sleep schedule. 4. For the most part, I switched to a vegetarian diet, and have surprisingly lost <10 lbs. 5. Stayed away from alcohol. 5. Run / Exercise 30-50 minutes a day. (followed by cold showers) 6. Tried to maintain a journal / but I stopped somewhere around week 2. I switched to reading 20-30 minutes each night. 7. Got involved with random clubs on my campus, and started having the most awkward/weird? "small talk" 8. Have become more social, but still need to make a lot of progress. 9. Stuck to most of the above with the exception of a couple of days here and there.
My suicidal thoughts haven't disappeared, but I am able to manoeuvre my thoughts away from them to something else.
Now comes the tricky part. I need a some more help, and unfortunately it is more life advice, but more happy advice than depressing (I apologise if this is selfish of me, but I could really use some help).
I like a girl, and here is the background story. I joined a casual biking(bicycle) club, in my city, and just last month we had a couple of new members (she was one of them) that started joining us on our rides through the city. We usually end up eating at a tavern after the ride, and then split back up to go our own ways. Its a 10-20 member group, and we all know each other well enough. So I have gone bicycling with this girl, only a couple of times, and initially I just thought she was really cute and funny (and had taken notice of her, nothing more), but the last time around, we were sitting next to each other after the bike ride, and we got talking, and I discovered that she shares a lot of the same interests as me. And we connected really well. She just has this amazingly cute smile, and well I guess I could say I sort-of like like her. I am assuming a lot of you have been in this scenario. But there are some tricky parts and that is what I need help with. 1. She is a college graduate w/ a job, and I am a broke undergraduate student on a meagre scholarship, and random web.dev jobs to pay for stuff. I guess that also makes her somewhat older than I am. She is caucasian, and I am mixed-arab, and have significantly darker skin and a thick accent. I am from another country, and I have had only one girlfriend previously, and that was in high school, but she was arab. Also, I guess I am a n00b when it comes to navigating women but in America, there are so many different random things like dating, I remember my previous gf, I had just liked her, and asked her whether she would be my girlfriend, but since that time like in 2005, I have taken a significant blow to my self-confidence, which I have since been trying to build-up. Like a lot of people on here, I am a little introverted. Also, I understand that a lot of you might say that we are living in a society that is very accep...
9 comments
[ 4.6 ms ] story [ 33.4 ms ] threadTry to hang out with her outside the biking club. Since you guys share similar interests, this should not be difficult.
"Hey, there is a new band playing at <local venue we both like>, want to hit it up?" or "So there is a charity walk this weekend for <what we both support>, we should go." It is important to go somewhere non-threatening where you both have similar intentions.
Once you're there, it is easy. Ask her a lot of questions about her self (Tip: "What made you decide that?" is a decent fall back question when you have no response).
Try to make her laugh and you should smile often. Use this time to get to know her better.
I would keep it simple and ask her to go somewhere non-datish, like starbucks and get her an email. If you want to give a reason it could even to be to continue a topic of conversation you have started..
You should be thinking about making her your friend and working up to dating. This is an easier transition. Everyone needs friends and friends that are girls have many more friends that are girls; so it increases the possibility of other relationships if there is no mutual connection.
Take your problem more seriously. I like all that you have done so far, but it sounds like you are not out of the woods quite yet.
Depression is a serious disease that many people fail to take seriously. If you were having heart attack symptoms and you asked me for advice I wouldn't sit here advising over the Internet; I'd tell you to seek local medical advice. And here I must do the same. It would be irresponsible to do otherwise.
Next problem you are asking about is should I try my luck or just be friends with this girl. I've never been in your position (not an introvert) but I have seen literally dozens of people in your position. Being friends with someone you secretly fancy does not work. She will get a boyfriend, you will get upset. She will stand you up as friends going to dinner, you will get upset etc etc etc. In my opinion you have to make a move, and if it works then great. If it doesn't then that doesn't necessarily ruin your chances of being friends. I've certainly seen people have lasting friendships after rejecting one party for a relationship - as long as both parties know the score. I have a very good friend who is in your exact situation - for the 10th time in about 10 years - every single "friendship" has ended in disaster because he has never manned up and told them how he feels.
So that last part of your puzzle is how to ask her out. I'd imagine 99% of people on the planet struggle with asking someone out, especially someone they know. The best way is to man up and just ask her out (maybe have a drink first, but not 10). On your way out from the bar after your cycle trip ask her if she'd like to catch a movie sometime, or a meal, or one do one of your mutual interests. Be fairly direct to ensure there is no confusion over the reason. Hard to do I know, but it works the best, and despite all the teen movies you may have seen she is not going to run around telling everyone awful things. The worst she is likely to say is no, or no I have a boyfriend etc. And of course the best she is likely to say is yes :-)
Good luck, it really isn't that difficult, most men and most women are generally keen on meeting a significant other and don't mind being asked out.