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Ask HN: How to deal with social anxiety?

15 points by throwaway577 ↗ HN
Does anyone here struggle with social anxiety? I'm suffering because of it and it significantly limits my life. From the outside I'm quite successful (doing reasonably well in engineering) but I limit myself by avoiding people as much as I can (can only force myself at work) but apart from that I barely have any contact with people (due to my limiting myself). I don't have panic attacks or anything like that and I don't want to go to a therapist but I'd like to reduce my fear when it comes to social life. Any tips, books, courses you can recommend? Thanks

23 comments

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hobonumber1
Why do you feel anxious? What's the root cause of the anxiety?
throwaway577
That I don't know exactly. Anything that requires interaction with people makes me want to avoid it even if I actually want/need it. It's possible something in my childhood affected me but I don't know what (no one in my family is like me)
locococo
I have the exact same issue as you would also be interested in addressing the problem
0x01030307
I'm the exact same way
throwaway577
Hey @locococo, @0x01030307 Good to know there are people who are similar!
Gustomaximus
Are you comfortable around any people? Family, friends or some other?
throwaway577
Not really, obviously I feel more relaxed around people I know but I'm never really comfortable.
slimshady94
I can empathize with your struggle.

>Anything that requires interaction with people makes me want to avoid it even if I actually want/need it

I used to think this was some rare personality defect or freak in my education/formative years. I later realized that it meant I was simply a bit shy/too accommodating of other people/not confident enough in myself to speak. Perhaps you can get over it by resolving to be more courageous and not shy away/put in the effort for interaction. It's an effort for sure - it takes brain cycles and effort to interact with others. Some people get this easier because of practice (through family/friends) and I basically assume I didn't get enough practice in childhood. TLDR; don't over-think it :)

throwaway577
Yeah, I definitely think that I lack confidence in social situations but too often it's just too much and I withdraw almost completely.
DoreenMichele
When I was younger, I had serious blood sugar problems. Anxiety is one known side effect of low blood sugar. Getting my blood sugar problems under control substantially reduced my social anxiety.
mapster
Do you have any memories/experiences of feeling confident and open, like AFTER being with people a lot or after public speaking?

My social anxiety is 100% when I am in my personal zone (working at desk). Its very hard to step away and deal property with people without being awkward. but after being w people or breaking the ice a bit, i feel more normal.

further: i was thinking karaoke meetups would be great for ppl to create a good/positive experience that would carry over for the rest of the week until the next karaoke.

throwaway577
Yes I do! I feel much more open/relaxed after speaking up in a meeting, it's like the pressure is off and can feel more normal. But it wears off quickly and then it's back to the usual. I don't know how to create those emotions regularly.
itronitron
I recommend going to social events that align with your interests rather than ones that are dedicated to being 'social' (for example, bars and clubs).
throwaway577
Thanks for the suggestion. Although to be honest I try that from time to time and I don't feel comfortable there at all either.
itronitron
If you are in a big city then I recommend going to social events on Saturdays and not on Friday evenings (people haven't recovered yet from work-week stress.)

Also keep in mind that most people are mentally preoccupied with themselves so aren't thinking about you. Despite appearances, social anxiety is normal which is why alcohol is usually served. Most people at a social event will be there because they want to talk to people such as you, so if you can appear calm and are interested in what they have to say then you will seem like a natural. If after twenty minutes you aren't having fun then just leave early.

dazc
If it helps, you'll find it easier as you get older. You'll come to realise that nobody really worth knowing cares if you are nervous or struggling for something to say, they will accept you for who you are. As you grow to accept this you'll also become less anxious and everything becomes less of a struggle.

I used to agonise over all the lost opportunities of my younger days but seeing how some of my more confident peers turned out has made me realise that my social anxiety was actually a gift rather than a curse.

DanBC
> I'm suffering because of it and it significantly limits my life.

> I don't want to go to a therapist

I don't understand this. But, if you really don't want to see a therapist you can try self-guided cognitive behavioural therapy from a book like "Mind over Mood" (this book is used in some English NHS settings).

Or you can try the website MoodGym: https://www.moodgym.com.au/

vinylkey
> I don't want to go to a therapist

I would maybe rethink your position on this. Going to a therapist can be scary, but it can also be incredibly beneficial.

kull
This is what I deal with for years. I make progress but it takes years. What I suggest that I know helped me:

1. Go to gym, get fit it helps with self confidence

2. Read this book https://www.amazon.com/Awkward-Science-Socially-Thats-Awesom...

3. Go to therapy!

4. Don’t rush, don’t push yourself to go to parties etc. small steps, start with going to coffee shops so you are around humans, look in people’s eyes on a sidewalk and smile to them, then gradually start with small talks with barista.

Good luck !

drjannakoretz
As a therapist, I have to say we have a lot to offer you if you ever decide to try it out! In the meantime, Anxiety and Depression Association of American has some legit links to things, and you could look up Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), which is often used to help folks with anxiety. Social anxiety might also require some "exposure" where you exposure yourself to uncomfortable situations gradually. This may require some expert help though, as it is really easy to do too much and make things worse.