How do I become ok with life being unfair? What bothers me the most is my mortality; if it takes me x years longer to find love/dream job/etc. than other people, then that is x years I will never get back.
If you were born in a first wold country, with first wold living standards and medical care, and your country is not at war, and none of your siblings or parents died early deaths, then life is indeed unfair, just unfair in your favour.
I don't mean to minimize what you may be feeling, but we are too hung up on fairness sometimes I think.
It's not whether it's fair, just whether you can be happy.
For example, can you be happy with a good enough job, or do you need the dream job?
Stop worrying about what you don't have and start enjoying what you do -- i.e. life doesn't need to be fair for you to be happy. Enjoy everyday, find happiness in who you are and what you do. If you are unhappy to many days in a row change your behavior or change your environment, but don't be the person that blames others or complains about being unhappy.
Money doesn't make you happier, it makes certain things easier, but complicates things too. Dream jobs come and go, and you will personally change, so what is a dream today can be a nightmare in a few years. The same things can be said of love, some things are awesome, others mean compromise and complications. If you aren't happy yourself, you won't make a good partner to anyone either. Being unhappy or consistently negative is also why, many times, people find others unattractive or unapproachable.
My experience is that humans have an uncanny propensity to adjust to an exceedingly wide range of circumstances in a way that boils whatever's going on around them to a status quo; a behavioral homeostasis if you will.
Introduce a new boon to someones life, and in time their mind tends to take it in stride and it becomes harder to register that the boon is still present. The same happens with pitfalls. After a period, the initial shock goes away and we subconsciously deal with the added negative aspect of our life.
One's overall outlook on life at any given point, then, requires an effort to recognize the good things around them, and attempt to tune out the negatives. How easy that is for any given individual varies. Some have naturally sunny dispositions, while others are born curmudgeons.
How deep does that go though? If you lose a close loved one, how close to "back to normal" are you 6 months, 12 months, 3 years, 6 years later? Is there always that empty pit?
>if it takes me x years longer to find love/dream job/etc. than other people, then that is x years I will never get back
Sorry, but this doesn't make any sense to me. You will not get back any of the time you spent doing anything. You sat on toilet for 2 mins longer than other people everyday, then you spent months more than other people on toilet over years of your life. This doesn't mean you are going to hurry up and get out of the bathroom faster than you should.
You get what you get in your life. It's nothing to do with what you deserve or what's fair.
If you stop believing in the all powerful entity that will make it fair for everyone and start believing everything happens by a random chance, you would be better off.
What strikes me in your question is the part "than other people". Seriously, why do you care ? One should never, never, compare to anybody else - just try to be the best 'you' that you can be.
So what would it take to make life fair according to you? Living forever? (Although I guess if you lived forever but no-one else did, that wouldn't be much good either. But I don't think anyone can imagine living forever.)
I don't know what point you were trying to make. (It's easy to talk about living forever, but to imagine it? I don't mean merely a very long time but infinitely long.)
Life might not be fair but the only person who makes that meaningful is you.
"You will be what you will to be;
Let failure find its false content
In that poor word, "environment,"
But spirit scorns it, and is free.
It masters time, it conquers space;
It cows that boastful trickster, Chance,
And bids the tyrant Circumstance
Uncrown, and fill a servant's place.
The human Will, that force unseen,
The offspring of a deathless Soul,
Can hew a way to any goal,
Though walls of granite intervene.
Be not impatient in delay,
But wait as one who understands;
When spirit rises and commands,
The gods are ready to obey."
I highly recommend As a Man Thinketh by James Allen. Someone on HN recommended it and it was wonderful. It's a very quick read, less than 50 pages.
Another one of my favorite quotes is, "Choose not to be harmed - and you won't feel harmed. Don't feel harmed - and you haven't been... It can ruin your life only if it ruins your character." - Marcus Aurelius
I am deeply pessimistic about life and the future of humanity. the idea that tomorrow will be better because we can always solve it with technology. What actually helped me a lot in order to see myself as an outsider and gain better perspective was these books. Note they are incredibly dark and pessimistic and none of this will ever be on a Ted talk.
Thomas Ligotti - THE CONSPIRACY AGAINST THE HUMAN RACE
Zapffe - The Last Messiah
also maybe you are not meant to work in the field you are in considering you feel this way. if you listen to your heart and there is nothing that drives you, why other doing it? Wouldn't it be better to first know where your passion is?
Just revel in overcoming the unfairness, embrace it. When life sticks a dagger in your side, laugh in its face (or grimace) and prevail anyways.
None of that will erase the pain that stems from being behind your peers in career or romantic pursuits. Speaking from experience, the latter cuts unimaginably deep. You don't get that time back, but the time you do have becomes immensely more valuable.
Many will say a comparison basis isn't healthy, but being highly competitive by nature I haven't yet figured out how to avoid that. All I've described is a rather effective coping mechanism; the pain will still exist, but one could say pain is a fundamental part of living life in any real sense.
As an anecdote, I used to play a couple games competitively as a hobby. While I was good, I only became an expert once I embraced two things: ridiculous amounts of practice, and the unfairness of it all. Depending on the matchmaking setup, you would be expected to defeat two or even three skilled opponents. Lamenting how unfair it all is would get you nowhere, so the only way forward was to embrace it.
I second this. Learning about Buddhism and practicing its concepts has really helped me. I avoid spreading negative energy, I avoid getting angry, I spend time each day meditating. It's not for everyone and it takes a lot of practice not to get angry. But this is working for me.
Try your hand at some psychedelics in a safe environment and reassess your position on the world.
Note: This advice may or may not be beneficial to your personal situation, as per all comments on an internet forum. You may need to consult a professional if you are having trouble.
That’s not unfair that’s random distribution of fortune. You make terms with it by making the most of what you’ve got and being thankful for the good while not letting the bad get you down.
Have you read "Candide"? Voltaire wrote it as a satire on certain overly optimistic and positive philosophical views. It's really short, and I thought it held up great despite the age and translation. Douglas Adams' "Hitchikers guide" series is another satire I can't recommend enough.
Life is as strange, terrifying experience that is often absurdly unfair for no good reason at all. But it can also be kind of hilarious for the exact same terrible reasons.
Develop your ability to see the humor in deeply dark and unfair situations. They aren't going anywhere. You could try to convince yourself they aren't there or that they aren't so bad with some religions/philosophies, or maybe you'll convince yourself that you'll triumph in the end - but most likely you will just end up angry, resentful, and not particularly well-liked as a result. Humor though... that's something other people (and you) can work with.
Cracking jokes at the unfairness as a way to swallow it is very different than cracking jokes as a way to point out how unfair it is to others. I'm not exactly sure which you mean, but it seems like the former, and that is depressingly jaded.
I find the existential dread caused by acknowledging the unfairness a good motivator to try to improve things. There will always be randomness, but life doesn't have to be as deeply flawed as it is today
I think it's more that humor provides a great vehicle to commiserate with the pain of
others, and to explore our own pain semi-safely as well. It's almost always pro-social expression, and is equally so whether it's directed at
vain rulers or fickle rolls as fate. It can indeed drive social change (and usually with less violence than fear or anger), but that's not the only reason to embrace humor.
The universe really is funny. It's absurd in so many ways, and the flaws are so obvious, so persistent, and in such contrast with certain authentically sublime experiences and emotions... Until death and pain are no longer mandatory elements of human existence, it will indeed be deeply flawed.
I find the Desiderata to be good for helping to re-centre life priorities and moods:
Go placidly amid the noise and the haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence. As far as possible, without surrender, be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even to the dull and the ignorant; they too have their story.
Avoid loud and aggressive persons; they are vexatious to the spirit. If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain or bitter, for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans. Keep interested in your own career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs, for the world is full of trickery. But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals, and everywhere life is full of heroism.
Be yourself. Especially do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love; for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment it is as perennial as the grass.
Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should. Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be. And whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life, keep peace in your soul. With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.
I think this quote from Mr Peanut butter speaks volumes to your problem.
"The universe is a cruel, uncaring void. The key to being happy isn't a search for meaning. It's to just keep yourself busy with unimportant nonsense, and eventually, you'll be dead."
It's a bit simplistic, but this quote from Babylon 5 has resonated with me so much:
I used to think it was awful that life was so unfair. Then I thought, "Wouldn't it be much worse if life were fair, and all the terrible things that happen to us come because we actually deserve them?" So now I take great comfort in the general hostility and unfairness of the universe.
MARCUS COLE, "A Late Delivery from Avalon" (1996)
To be honest, it sometimes does get to me that if I had made different choices or been in different situations, I might be richer/healthier/happier. Of course, I might also be poorer/sicker/unhappier, too.
Most importantly, I also know that I wouldn't be /me/ anymore.
Why do you think you need to be "okay" with life being unfair?
People who thought slavery wasn't fair found a way to end it, people who weren't okay with dying of smallpox found a way to cure it, and made life a little fairer. And there were a bunch of people who weren't okay with things but couldn't do anything about it, so they didn't.
Some things are unfair for no reason and there's nothing we can do about them, and it's not okay.
You don't have to warp your mind with convoluted philosophy to become okay with things and "accept" life as it is. Life can be awesome and beautiful, life can be shitty and painful. These things don't cancel each other out. You can enjoy awesome things, you can hate and be angry at bad things. You and me and everyone we love will die some day - there's nothing that can make it okay. And yet sunsets are still beautiful and ice cream still tastes good.
You don't have be okay with bad things, you can hate/resent/fear them and still enjoy the good things at the same time. These two are not mutually exclusive. Fix what you can fix, endure and persevere through things that you can't(because you have no choice), find as much joy as you can in the good things.
----
Also read "Obstacle is the Way" by Ryan Holiday - extremely well writen summary of stoic philosophy, I'm sure you will find it very useful and interesting.
Whenever you are not accepting it, just say out loud "I accept this." Practice that, instead of the other things you are saying, and it will shift. I'm going to do it as well. I fucking complain a ton and I believe it solidifies my misery.
Longevity is the easy one... I signed up for Cryonics with ALCOR, and it was one of the most freeing decisions I ever made.
Situational unfairness is a different story. I'm very bitter about the way certain deals I've worked on have turned out for me. I feel that cheats, insiders, and powermongers have gotten the upper hand in every deal I've been involved in. I never seem to come out on top and it's getting ridiculous.
61 comments
[ 2.5 ms ] story [ 125 ms ] threadI don't mean to minimize what you may be feeling, but we are too hung up on fairness sometimes I think.
It's not whether it's fair, just whether you can be happy.
For example, can you be happy with a good enough job, or do you need the dream job?
Money doesn't make you happier, it makes certain things easier, but complicates things too. Dream jobs come and go, and you will personally change, so what is a dream today can be a nightmare in a few years. The same things can be said of love, some things are awesome, others mean compromise and complications. If you aren't happy yourself, you won't make a good partner to anyone either. Being unhappy or consistently negative is also why, many times, people find others unattractive or unapproachable.
Introduce a new boon to someones life, and in time their mind tends to take it in stride and it becomes harder to register that the boon is still present. The same happens with pitfalls. After a period, the initial shock goes away and we subconsciously deal with the added negative aspect of our life.
One's overall outlook on life at any given point, then, requires an effort to recognize the good things around them, and attempt to tune out the negatives. How easy that is for any given individual varies. Some have naturally sunny dispositions, while others are born curmudgeons.
At least this is what I have observed.
There is research to back this up, see:
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hedonic_treadmill
Of course some people are permanently diminished after losing a loved one, others recover.
There are some exceptions to the findings. These conditions do cause 'permanent' reductions in most people's happiness levels:
1) Loss of a child.
2) A continual decline in one's health status.
Some see a burning house and ask why must it burn, while others reach for the hose.
Sorry, but this doesn't make any sense to me. You will not get back any of the time you spent doing anything. You sat on toilet for 2 mins longer than other people everyday, then you spent months more than other people on toilet over years of your life. This doesn't mean you are going to hurry up and get out of the bathroom faster than you should.
You get what you get in your life. It's nothing to do with what you deserve or what's fair.
If you stop believing in the all powerful entity that will make it fair for everyone and start believing everything happens by a random chance, you would be better off.
And the book from the same guy, if you're interested.
While we are at great talks, listen to those two guys: Steve Jobs - https://www.ted.com/talks/steve_jobs_how_to_live_before_you_... Rand Pausch - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ji5_MqicxSo
There are great insights in all of those.
What strikes me in your question is the part "than other people". Seriously, why do you care ? One should never, never, compare to anybody else - just try to be the best 'you' that you can be.
"You will be what you will to be;
Let failure find its false content
In that poor word, "environment,"
But spirit scorns it, and is free.
It masters time, it conquers space;
It cows that boastful trickster, Chance,
And bids the tyrant Circumstance
Uncrown, and fill a servant's place.
The human Will, that force unseen,
The offspring of a deathless Soul,
Can hew a way to any goal,
Though walls of granite intervene.
Be not impatient in delay,
But wait as one who understands;
When spirit rises and commands,
The gods are ready to obey."
I highly recommend As a Man Thinketh by James Allen. Someone on HN recommended it and it was wonderful. It's a very quick read, less than 50 pages.
Another one of my favorite quotes is, "Choose not to be harmed - and you won't feel harmed. Don't feel harmed - and you haven't been... It can ruin your life only if it ruins your character." - Marcus Aurelius
Thomas Ligotti - THE CONSPIRACY AGAINST THE HUMAN RACE
Zapffe - The Last Messiah
also maybe you are not meant to work in the field you are in considering you feel this way. if you listen to your heart and there is nothing that drives you, why other doing it? Wouldn't it be better to first know where your passion is?
Me: "Life can be so cruel."
Him: "Yes, that's why you have to make sure you make a difference for the better where and whenever you can."
I try very hard to follow his quote every day. Change starts with us all.
None of that will erase the pain that stems from being behind your peers in career or romantic pursuits. Speaking from experience, the latter cuts unimaginably deep. You don't get that time back, but the time you do have becomes immensely more valuable.
Many will say a comparison basis isn't healthy, but being highly competitive by nature I haven't yet figured out how to avoid that. All I've described is a rather effective coping mechanism; the pain will still exist, but one could say pain is a fundamental part of living life in any real sense.
As an anecdote, I used to play a couple games competitively as a hobby. While I was good, I only became an expert once I embraced two things: ridiculous amounts of practice, and the unfairness of it all. Depending on the matchmaking setup, you would be expected to defeat two or even three skilled opponents. Lamenting how unfair it all is would get you nowhere, so the only way forward was to embrace it.
Note: This advice may or may not be beneficial to your personal situation, as per all comments on an internet forum. You may need to consult a professional if you are having trouble.
Life is as strange, terrifying experience that is often absurdly unfair for no good reason at all. But it can also be kind of hilarious for the exact same terrible reasons.
Develop your ability to see the humor in deeply dark and unfair situations. They aren't going anywhere. You could try to convince yourself they aren't there or that they aren't so bad with some religions/philosophies, or maybe you'll convince yourself that you'll triumph in the end - but most likely you will just end up angry, resentful, and not particularly well-liked as a result. Humor though... that's something other people (and you) can work with.
I find the existential dread caused by acknowledging the unfairness a good motivator to try to improve things. There will always be randomness, but life doesn't have to be as deeply flawed as it is today
The universe really is funny. It's absurd in so many ways, and the flaws are so obvious, so persistent, and in such contrast with certain authentically sublime experiences and emotions... Until death and pain are no longer mandatory elements of human existence, it will indeed be deeply flawed.
Go placidly amid the noise and the haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence. As far as possible, without surrender, be on good terms with all persons. Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even to the dull and the ignorant; they too have their story.
Avoid loud and aggressive persons; they are vexatious to the spirit. If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain or bitter, for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans. Keep interested in your own career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs, for the world is full of trickery. But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals, and everywhere life is full of heroism.
Be yourself. Especially do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love; for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment it is as perennial as the grass.
Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should. Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be. And whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life, keep peace in your soul. With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.
Desiderata by Max Ehrmann.
"The universe is a cruel, uncaring void. The key to being happy isn't a search for meaning. It's to just keep yourself busy with unimportant nonsense, and eventually, you'll be dead."
I used to think it was awful that life was so unfair. Then I thought, "Wouldn't it be much worse if life were fair, and all the terrible things that happen to us come because we actually deserve them?" So now I take great comfort in the general hostility and unfairness of the universe.
MARCUS COLE, "A Late Delivery from Avalon" (1996)
To be honest, it sometimes does get to me that if I had made different choices or been in different situations, I might be richer/healthier/happier. Of course, I might also be poorer/sicker/unhappier, too.
Most importantly, I also know that I wouldn't be /me/ anymore.
People who thought slavery wasn't fair found a way to end it, people who weren't okay with dying of smallpox found a way to cure it, and made life a little fairer. And there were a bunch of people who weren't okay with things but couldn't do anything about it, so they didn't.
Some things are unfair for no reason and there's nothing we can do about them, and it's not okay.
You don't have to warp your mind with convoluted philosophy to become okay with things and "accept" life as it is. Life can be awesome and beautiful, life can be shitty and painful. These things don't cancel each other out. You can enjoy awesome things, you can hate and be angry at bad things. You and me and everyone we love will die some day - there's nothing that can make it okay. And yet sunsets are still beautiful and ice cream still tastes good.
You don't have be okay with bad things, you can hate/resent/fear them and still enjoy the good things at the same time. These two are not mutually exclusive. Fix what you can fix, endure and persevere through things that you can't(because you have no choice), find as much joy as you can in the good things.
----
Also read "Obstacle is the Way" by Ryan Holiday - extremely well writen summary of stoic philosophy, I'm sure you will find it very useful and interesting.
Ummm fact is slavery has not ended yet. Not sure what you mean?
Situational unfairness is a different story. I'm very bitter about the way certain deals I've worked on have turned out for me. I feel that cheats, insiders, and powermongers have gotten the upper hand in every deal I've been involved in. I never seem to come out on top and it's getting ridiculous.