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Ask HN: What books/activities do you recommended for being more charismatic?

58 points by ronald_raygun ↗ HN
One of my big goals for 2019 is to become more charming and charismatic. What resources have helped you guys?

One that helped me a lot personally was this book "never split the difference"

27 comments

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trcollinson
There is a quote that says:

“Next to being witty, the best thing is being able to quote another’s wit.”

I would point out another important quote I live by:

“It is a good thing for an uneducated man to read a book of quotations.”

So I guess you could say I’m uneducated. But I believe I am a bit more charming and charismatic because I can quote others appropriately at the right times.

mcv
What always strikes me when people talk about their interactions with charismatic people, is that they often say that the charismatic person seems genuinely interested in the person they're talking to, and that they make them feel like the most important person in the room.

So I'm starting to think that maybe that's an important key to charisma: being genuinely interested in the person you're talking with, and making them feel important, loved and understood.

I haven't applied it myself, though.

ddingus
I feel you are on the right track. Early in my life, I was definitely not interested in people.

Time spent in the perdorming arts, usually filled with high charisma types, changed that a little. And I picked up a lot of basic people skills.

Later, sales directly, as well as pre-sales and related work led to qualification. Those who do that well are high value. Cost of sales can go nuts without solid qualification.

And there it was. A primary motivation to better understand people. Some 20 years of that, all manner of companies, departments, leaders and I do often have a genuine interest in other people.

Charisma came up and improved as those skills and interests did.

wallflower
Politics aside, I'm fascinated by the personal recollections of people who have met Bill Clinton [1]. Bill Clinton is legendary for making people who shake his hand feel like they are the most important person in the room.

A book I read (believe it was something like ‘What got you here win’t Get you there’) said something that has stuck with me. Paraphrased: "Everyone can be as charismatic as Bill Clinton. You do it on a job interview or on a first date. The secret is... he does it all the time"

"Clinton had this huge charisma. He was wearing a pair of black trousers and a blue checked shirt with his sleeves rolled up. His presence made everyone around him so comfortable. He had this extraordinary ability to make us feel very special. He took time out to speak to each one of us asking about our family, where we were raised and educated, what were the things in our life that we hold important." [2]

[1] http://www.bing.com/search?q=meeting+bill+clinton+%2B+charis...

[2] https://m.telegraphindia.com/states/west-bengal/meet-billary...

DeonPenny
How to make friends and influence people
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nwmcsween
Be happy, charisma will come naturally if you are happy
gnulinux
But "how to be happy" is an even harder question.
strikelaserclaw
Be yourself, have a strong belief in something, be courageous. Most real charismatic people have lived a rich life with lots of experience in success and failures; They always have strong fundamental beliefs, an ethos about the world that they try to carry out. There is no "risk free charisma for dummies" kinda thing. Instead of trying to chase a mythical charisma, try to find out what you really believe in, what kind of dreams you have based on those beliefs, and try to gain experience by doing things.
aqi
I'd highly recommend learning some improvisational theatre. It requires a lot of the same skills that being charismatic does. Taking an improv class in college was a revelatory experience to me because it showed me exactly how I had been sabotaging my own social interactions. If you can't take a class or a workshop, try to read "Improv Wisdom".
danieltillett
I am by nature not the most charming person in the world, but with effort I can be extremely charming and even charismatic.

The approach I use is to really listen to people talking and work out what they are trying to say and mirror it back to them in a more eloquent manner. The result is they think the two of us have totally "clicked". I rarely use this approach as it is mentally very taxing and I don't need to charm many people, but it is very effective.

Another strategy that works well for creating friendships is to build a thicket of small favours. Ask for some small favour and then let the other person ask you for something small in return. Repeat.

It is always best to be in favour debt with other people (you owe them) than the reverse. There is no better way of creating a true enemy than really helping someone and not letting them return the favour.

vergessenmir
This is an interesting piece of advice and I will try it. I have a peculiar nature where I go out of my way to help others but resist favours and help. It is not received very well and have always been confused by it.

Can you expand on 'there is no better way of creating a true enemy than ...'

danieltillett
It appear that people are not very good at carrying the psychology burden caused by not being able to return help. They need to find some way of unloading this debt and if they can't help you back, the best solution seems to be to turn it into hate.

The people who hate me the most in the world are not those that I have wronged, but those I really helped.

Make sure that if you help someone that you ask them for some help back - it doesn't need to be anything big, but the sooner you unload the debt the happier the person will be towards you. If there is nothing you need help with just make something up and then say thank you.

Zanni
Ah, this is brilliant. Your point about mirroring is obvious in retrospect but it's not something I do naturally. In fact, the more I hope to make an impression on someone, the less likely I am to do it. (I'm cycling through some embarrassing memories right now.)

I love the idea of repeating back to someone what they have said in a more eloquent manner. That's a specific, actionable strategy (more so than "listening") that's enough of a game that my introverted self could probably put it into practice.

hoodwink
The Charisma Myth by Olivia Fox-Cabane is pretty solid, but actually implementing the concepts in practice versus simply understanding them in theory is always the hard part. I used a combination of Anki flashcards and Readwise [0] to decent success. I also worked with an incredible communication coach in SF.

The Charisma Myth, FYI, is that you’re naturally born with charisma. The reality is that charisma can be nurtured.

[0]: https://readwise.io (full disclosure I am one of the creators)

neduma
> I also worked with an incredible communication coach in SF

reference?

hoodwink
Fonta Hadley (Eloquence Studios)
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tabtab
Re: What books/activities do you recommended for being more charismatic?

Try alcohol. It may not work for everybody, but experimentation is part of science.

csnewb
You can't learn this in a book. You need to put yourself out there (in social settings) and learn through trial and effort. Much like reading books about weight lifting won't make your body grow muscle, you need to actually get inside a gym and put in the work.
[dead] FatDrunknStupid
Please don't. You are who you are and people will like you if you accept that maybe you're not perfect - like everyone else. It's always going to be awkward, but own it and you'll be a fine man\woman or whatever/
darrelld
1/ Get a full night's sleep so you'll be at your most alert and aware.

2/ Have strong opinions that are loosely held but be open to having your mind changed

3/ Listen. No, really listen. Shut up, stop just waiting to respond to what someone said and listen to them as if you made the first contact with an alien species that was giving you the keys to the universe. Don't interrupt, don't rush to spout out an answer. Don't let your mind wander

4/ Make solid eye contact.

5/ Smile as much as you can. Note: Don't force a fake smile if you're not feeling it.

6/ Don't be overly negative or critical. Don't be an asshole.

7/ Give honest and genuine compliments.

Also, I have a specific playlist of music that gets me in an active mood that I listen to before any social events, speaking to a group or going out on dates. It's made a world of a difference for me.