Ask HN: How do you cope with loneliness?

I have no specific advice for you but I had a similar experience during my youth and I can convey some advice that an old mentor gave me at the time:

If you find something you are passionate about and share it with others you will not have to find friends, they will find you.

I have the exact same problem in my CS class. I cope with the issue by coming to HN or more recently, by reading up stuff on programming related sub-reddits (/r/programming, /r/python etc.).

I went through 14 years of Catholic schools before going to university.

When I started out, I realised that everyone else was new like me so I took initiative and introduced people to each other, etc. At the time I was very excited about going there because I would meet new people, people like me.

People kinda picked up on that vibe when I started I guess. To be honest, I normally wasn't like that. But anyway, I realised quickly that if you are the kind of person who is seen as friendly, approachable, etc. then people will want to hang out with you, and invite you to things, etc.

An important thing to realise as well is, you don't really have a lot of common interests to be friends with people. I've met great people over the years who were totally different to me. Having things in common helps but, relationships in general to me are more about understanding, not checking off a list of things we both like.

Being on your laptop really isn't an excuse not to socialise. Most of my time in my CS classes was spent in the lab, with a laptop sure, but I mean people need to eat and of course have their all important coffee breaks... or even just to get up and walk around for a bit. The thing is, if you're seen to just spend all your time alone / on your laptop then people will just assume things like you're busy / don't want to be disturbed etc.

As for members of the opposite sex, well, I can say that things got better for me as I got older. It might seem like a really big deal now but when you look back years later, you might not feel that way.

For approaching women, dating, etc, know that chances are if you're new to the game, you will screw up. That's nothing to be worried about or take personally though.

I see you're doing CS so I mean, chances are when you started programming you will have made mistakes along the way, even basic syntax errors. Heck, you can still write software for years and still make mistakes. So I mean, it's like anything really just practice and you'll get better.

Get a job outside the dorm/studio/home to fill your free time. Get a cat. Play RPG games.

(not being sarcastic, that's how I dealt with my five years of university)

Join a few meetup groups in the city. For example, there might be technical meetup groups about Linux, Python etc as well as non-technical meetup groups about a ton of interesting activities like music or food or various hobbies. Various foreign language conversation groups can also be interesting. I found a few meetups through meetup.com and Craigslist and even started one or two.

The other suggestion would be to maintain the friendships you already have! Don't forget them even if you are in a new city now. I regularly call up old friends and my family and ask how they are doing.

Is there a ACM club or something similar (robotics perhaps?) at your school? If not, it can't hurt to try to start one and attract others with the same problem as you. You never know how many others at your school may be feeling the same way, even if it's just a couple others.

disclaimer: if you do start a club, make sure it doesn't become too elitist or cultish, I felt really out of place because I didn't know anything at a robotics club before, but once the seniors left we restructured it to be more inviting to folks with a will to learn.

You're a programmer right? You build web apps and stuff? When you build one and launch it out into the world, do you expect everyone to drop everything and flock to your website? I hope not. You need to reach out, as uncomfortable as it might be, and engage people. It's hard work.

Now let's take your personal life. When you're at your computer most of the day, do you expect people to magically gravitate to you and be your friend? If so, you're living in a Field of Dreams. You're fooling yourself.

Try Rejection Therapy: http://www.rejectiontherapy.com. It's like a radical new form of networking. I've heard so many amazing stories of people pushing past their fear to make a rejection, and it ends up starting an amazing new friendship.

Stop being attached to outcomes. Stop being obedient to fear. Stop driving down that same road, day after day. You'll end up in the same lonely destination. Put on the 4 wheel drive and start off-roading into new territory. It's exhilarating.

People want to meet you, but you have to meet them halfway.

For inspiration, look at how this guy does it: http://sneakylittlefox.tumblr.com/

I'm not practicing it, but you can always go to a totally different place where you can just be a more social person (gym, some art class, etc).

OTOH, I'm do not envy those folks that are friends of everyone and anyone. Frequently they are lonely too, on a deeper level.

a friend told me once that "friendship is based on trust and mutual interests". maybe not 100% true, but not a bad starting point i think.

it is easy to work on these. just look at people you tend to trust easily, and eminate the qualities that allow you to trust them. (act well grounded, speak slowly and softly, look people in the eyes when talking to them, act caring)

nurturing broad interests is also not too hard: decide often you think somehting is interesting... nobody likes everything, but not liking (or disliking) something clearly raises barriers in getting to know new people. for instance i dont care much for football (soccer), actually i dont care much for sports in general: by this i miss out on a lot of easy socializing. [i consider to start liking sports just for this reason]

for making intimate relations (opposite sex or same sex, im openminded here) i suggest using the friendship route. just build a friendship, but make sure to let know you are interested in getting intimate in a polite manner: a long hug, a kiss on the cheek, a hand kiss, expressing you really like him/her. rejection is not a big of a deal when you build friendship first -- it is not bad to have friends that you would like to get intimate with but are not.

it helps to get intimate with people if you feel comfy with your body. so dance, practice yoga, taichi, sports, gym, or what ever... i prefer dance. :)

please let me know if this was helpful advice.

Start small, learn how to make small talk when you're out and about, shop assistants that sort of thing, get used to talking with strangers.

Learn to listen, this is the secret to getting on with females. The other secret, when they tell you about a problem, don't immediately give them your suggestion for a solution, often you're being talked at, don't think you're being asked for an answer, you almost never are.

The only way to develop social skills is ... get out and about and interact, find people with common interests, above all make an effort. The onus is on you to do all the work.

I cope badly.

I've had to work from home since a few months, because of a strange allergy reaction at work.

It is depressing.

This seems to be the only major city on the planet where there aren't lots of nice cafes to work from. Otherwise, that is what I would do.

I've noted the same effect in others and also hopes for good answers to your question.

For the record: I like people but have limits, since I'm really quite introvert.

Here's something that worked for me: salsa dancing. It's fun, and good music, and it's a great way to meet lots of women in a brief span of time, if you go to the right sort of places (avoid the ones where it's all about seasoned couples showing off their repertoire of crazy moves). Also, you learn to shrug off the 'no thanks' that you'll of course receive. I should also add that it's an acquired skill, and very much about a man dancing with a woman, so it's not like dancing in some random place where everyone sort of shuffles around in tune to the music.

Use your loneliness as an advantage. How? Being lonely means that you don't belong to any group and are free to move as you see fit. This is what I did, and it worked.

I assume that you start from 0 friends (I did, since I moved to another country some months ago). Start knowing someone close and easy: classmates, colleagues, occasional acquaintances, but beware not to be stuck with someone as lonely as you. Your objective is to expand from there. You can also go to special events or meetups made for people who want to know other people. Or go to some course for something you like (I dance Tango, for example). Once you know someone, try to go out with these people as much as you can: they will have other friends you can be introduced to.

Parties are a good way of doing this. Me and my friends occasionally host dinners or small parties in our houses. People are encouraged to bring new friends, which allows you to know more people. If nobody of your friends organizes some party, start the trend. If you have 3 friends and they bring a new one each, you will be already a group of 7, which is enough for a dinner/small party. Organizing one is really easy, you just need a living room, some snacks/food, some drinks.

This will almost solve your loneliness problems from a friends point of view. Members of the other sex specifically are a little more complicated. But if you do as I described above you will definitely be able to know some. After a while you can start going out alone with them. For example, I am dating some girls I met at the tango course and at some party. I know couples who formed this way.

I know how you feel.

When I went to university I went to a different city, I was completely lonely. Back then, I decided to focus only on the course and tried to learn as much as I could. As a result I've got several friends. Good times :)

Coping with loneliness is a temporary fix(speaking from experience here), you have to get rid of it.

Im not sure exactly how, but during the last 6-7 years(im 21) I've slowly transformed from the typical socially awkward super shy nerd kid, to a somewhat social friendly nerd. It didn't happen in a day, i just slowly opened up to people, I slowly learned the social rules, practiced them, and now i speak social as a second language, even though i still have a strong nerd accent. Even though i still prefer to be alone in my room on my PC, with my slime repl, i still get drunk with my friends at least once every two weeks, or go out to play pool, or hang out in coffe shops, or go to lan parties.

You may come to find that 95% of people are assholes anyway. And the remaining 5% are perfect assholes. I don't too much believe in friends just different people with different agendas. I would say of all the people I've met in my life >=.01% where for any period of time actually friends. If anything work on diplomacy and worry about yourself. As for members of the other sex, just remember they're after the same thing you are only thing is their brains are fu¢ked.

I was in your situation a couple of months ago, but I realized that joining a club/team is the easiest way to meet people who share the same interests as you.

If you want to meet other programmers or people who are similar to you, join a CS or Robotics club. If you want to meet different kinds of people, join a sports team.

I noticed that tech people tend to float towards techy things, but a whole variety of people do sports, and that trend was visible both in high school and university. On my dragon boat team, there are people from every faculty on the team, even other CS people.

So it depends on how you want to meet people. Staying in your room programming is definitely not going to make you meet new people. If you want to know a lot of different people, a team is your best bet, because they usually have team-building games or social events where they go out to eat or have fun.

“If you’re lonely when you’re alone, you’re in bad company.” - Satre

Just. Do. Something. ^_^

There is no loneliness when you're busy.

Often it's a vicious circle. You're shy, introverted with a lack of self esteem. So you start avoiding social interaction. Also if you're in an interaction you can't enjoy it. You often are afraid to act non-conformal. Avoidance leads to less self-esteem and social skills and so on.

You need to tackle the problem on all fronts.

1) This is about your learned behaviour. You have to relearn. As some mentioned before, do some training. Stuff like going out alone. There're programs for stuff like that. Do it professional! That's the most important thing right now in your life! Don't rely only on internet ressource, even if they can be a great inspiration. Go to a therapist if you think that your shyness (or social phobia) is a problem, e.g. if you can't go to salsa dancing because you're to shy. You must break the avoidance circle.

2) Work on your own thinking process. Often, people don't know their own needs or don't dare to stand up for them and try to compensate by being great to get attention. That's a dead-end street. If you don't understand how you "work", the training ( 1) ) can only be of shallow impact. It's really important to unveil your thougts and emotions. I like the Yoga approach very much. To me, it's sound and practical. swamij.com is the greatest resource on the planet. It's a lot and takes time to understand. You could start at the articles about Karma. The kind of awareness and unattachment you step by step achieve makes you stronger. Stronger to understand and handle your legitimate desires. (which does not mean, supress them. In your case, don't supress your loneliness but go out to socialise. But overcome your fear and go to the salsa dancing event.)

Like many responding I understand your situation at least in part. One thing that helped me during my lonelier times was mailing lists. If you have a specific interest, see if you can find a mailing list hwere you'll find people with similar interests and geekiness. For me that was music, for you it could be something different entirely.

It may sound strange but I find a lot of friendship just in people's words - old books that I've carried with me through the years, literary critics, dead philosophers, internet famous (like PG) programmers who I've never met in person, and so on. An essay like "Why nerds are unpopular" goes a long way to getting some perspective on why you might be different.

Finally, as others mentioned, use the loneliness to your advantage. There may come a time where you're married with kids and your blissful moments of quiet come when you're on the can.

This too shall pass, make the most of it.

How old are you and where do you live?

This is similar to how I felt during my two-three years of university.

Some people already suggested that, but I will repeat: - find a hobby outside of computers (like Salsa) - sign up in an NGO (Toastmasters, AIESEC in my case) - cut off internet cord to force yourself to program outside of your home - absolutely remove all instant messengers, ircs etc. if you want to socialize with people then go out and eat lunch with them. if you don't know any people irl (or afk ;) then go and meet some on networking meetings / parties

Perhaps the most important thing is that you need to broaden your horizons. I know it may sound like a heresy, but a good programmer is a one that "feels the real world". If you lack social skills and you lack interests outside of programming then this will influence the quality of your work.

Why? For one - you will have problems working in a team of programmers. Two - if you're into anything else than low-level systems programming then you will need to interact with people who are not programmers. Not understanding normal users will hurt your career a lot.

Oh - and if your city doesn't have enough people interested in programming then move as soon as possible. Living far away from a community will hurt a lot (if you want to be really good).

Go see your family. If you can't, find a good housemate.

Also, host parties or social gatherings in your home.

Hosting a party in your home is great practice if you have trouble socially. It takes some work and planning, but most anyone can learn to do it. It forces you to take some responsibility for entertaining guests, and to relax ssome of the control you maintain over your personal domain. You won't be able to spend the entire time avoiding attention.

It does help, though, to have handy at least one socially outgoing person who is comfortable leading conversation beyond the typical introductory chit-chat.

Oh, and it doesn't have to be a drinking party or a dinner party. You might gather to play games (card/video/board), discuss books, or watch sports, TV shows, or a movie. I mention sports and TV shows because they're more conducive to breaks for conversation than a movie.

Are you willing to hang around with any people that don't mind you hanging around? If not, then your loneliness is a choice. Maybe an unconscious one but still, a choice. In that case you have chosen to value your alone time more than the social time with people you possibly don't click with. At this point you are aware of something you feel you deserve, having rejected the things you feel you don't deserve.