I’m gonna give you an answer that might not work for you, but I think it’s worth trying. Basically, with small talk, all you have to do is say SOMETHING. In many situations, people just want to BE talking, they’re not looking for something to talk about. That’s the first thing to know and trust. It doesn’t matter what you say (within reason). Once you know that, all you need is material.
Here’s my weird process. Practice free association. Basically, look at something in your surroundings. Say it aloud — “bench”. Say the FIRST word that pops into your head — “wood”. Now the first after that — “grain”. Keep going as fast as you are able, and go as long as you feel comfortable. It’s important to say it out LOUD — you might look like a bit of a crazy person practicing, but it builds your confidence in your own voice.
Now, when you’re headed to an event where you’ll want to make small talk, or even if you’re bored walking to work, practice this in your head. “Bus” — “driver” — “Ryan gosling” — “goose down” — doesn’t matter how goofy it is, just keep the chain going. In fact, goofier is better!
Now, when you feel the need to make small talk — and I mean make, not just respond to someone else — you play this game. Engage with your surroundings, with the person you’re talking to, and with what they’ve said. Take a moment and practice a little association. The first thing you think to say out loud to them (within reason, of course), go for it.
This works, I’ve found, much better for introverts than for extroverts — and no, extroverts are not all naturally social butterflies. This method is good for people who really just struggle with the mechanics of small talk.
As far as responding goes — responding is the easiest thing in the world, because you just need to keep engaging with what they’re saying! Doesn’t matter if it’s boring or inconsequential. Ask a question. Mention a similar experience you had.
I really recommend the classic How to Make Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie — 80 or something years old, and still a wonderful book on how to, basically, be someone people want to talk to and enjoy your time talking to people.
MY general approach (which I've refined over a time) is to have a set of standard questions (where you work, what you do, comments on obvious stuff like dressing style or jewellery, pen etc.) and to open with one of these. That starts the conversation. I've also learnt to strop cringing when I say things like "Hi so and so, my name is Noufal and I [insert how you know or are interested in the person]. Just wanted to say hello and connect."
There are several things that can be used to keep this kind of thing afloat. Recent news, entertainment (movies, music) etc.
Usually, one of these things leads into a conversation where I can find a common interest (movies, hobby etc.) and that gives you some kind of rapport. Then you'll feel more comfortable and can talk smoothly.
This might sound weird or awkward but it gets better with practice till it becomes second nature. My main problem is these days is to start. I still have a few of a hello being rejected or being brushed aside and that gives me pause when I want to introduce myself to someone. That's how I behave on auto pilot so I have to force myself to say hello. That only happens if I'm energetic and feeling good so I try to make sure that I'm that way before getting into a situation where I need this.
The trick is to find any issue that interests the both of you. Finding these on the fly is a little bit like surfing a wave – this also means you will have to be listening to what they are saying to find cues that can move the conversation forward.
Starting is usually the hardest thing. Your goal here is to find out whether they want to talk with you, do initiate this by starting off with something easy that affects you both: the weather, the daily commute, morning rituals. The point here is not to convince the other side of your point of view, but to figure out if they wanna talk and to look for cues that you could use to move the conversation forward.
Most importantly the whole thing should be really low pressure: if somebody doesn’t wants to talk or the communication ends unexpectedly early, who cares? There can be a thousand reasons that have nothing to do with you, I had 20min talks with collegues on one day, while on another day the very same people would avoid finding answers and go their way. You also don’t have to be able to talk with everyone. Some people don’t enjoy talking, others only enjoy it when it is negative talk about others etc. Make sure not to talk shit about other people just to stay in a conversation, it pays off in the long run.
It's all about practice. It may help you to know that most people studying a second language have exactly the same problem. You can order a drink at MacDonald's or reserve a seat at a restaurant, but casual conversation is quite difficult.
As someone else said here, start with a standard set of things. I often talk about the weather. Keep track of how the weather has been and make a remark about it ("It's been hot our recently, hasn't it", etc).
It's also important to consider greetings when you start a conversation. I talk to people on the street a lot (it helps that I live in a small town). At first, build familiarity just by smiling and saying, "Good morning" or hello. I have a very firm personal rule that if I pass someone older than me on the street and there are very few people around, I will smile and say "Hello". Smiling is very important, so don't forget that. After a few times, you can try your opening observation and see if they respond. If they don't, just let it go. If they do, try for a very small conversation (one or two sentences is absolutely fine!)
But the real trick is to transition into questions. Most people like talking about themselves and their preferences. You need to cultivate a curiosity about the other person. If they respond to the comment about the weather, think of a follow up question, "Do you like summer", etc. It's important to listen to what they are saying and to try to ask a question that is relevant to that that thing. It really takes a fair bit of practice, so don't be discouraged if you find it difficult.
The other important thing to consider is how to close the conversation. Once you get to an awkward silence, or if you just want to bail (which is totally fine), you need to learn how end the conversation and move on. This is also surprisingly difficult. Again, smiling is really important. If you are not used to smiling, practice smiling so that it more or less feels normal. Then just say something like "I'll talk to you later".
If find that elderly people are often very lonely and are very good conversation partners. Just walk down the street to find some. Or go to a bar and find someone drinking by themselves. Another thing you can do if you have time is to volunteer at a retirement home.
If you find yourself in parties, my advice is to pace yourself. Take opportunities, but don't feel that you have to stay for hours on end just because you think you have to mingle. Talk to a few people and when you've had enough, go home. Make sure to thank your host and be fairly candid about appreciating being invited, but that you have a low party threshold.
One last piece of advice that I think I got from the anime for "Sangatsu no lion" (Out like a lion). If you are having trouble meeting and making friends, start by making an animal friend. Then make a friend who is older than you. Then make a friend that is that same age as you. It's kind of like leveling up -- making friends in your peer group can actually be stressful and difficult for a lot of people.
If you want a book, I recently re-read "How to win friends and influence people" and it is quite good :-) The basic seems, you listen to the other person, and indulge in their interest?
In practical terms, I have started dancing, and in the dance hall, small-talk often happens.
I.m.o. most important is to read the room, and not be too personal?
I.e. if I am going to the bar to get a drink, and I hear somebody discussing i.e. how they returned from Italy where they managed to find a really good local restaurants, and it doesn't sound like a private conversation, and we might know each-other in passing, I might walk closer and ask about that.
If they give me a why-are-you-talking-to-me? look, I apologize for interrupting and retreat to somebody I know better :P
If they respond in kind we might have like a 3 minute conversation about good Italian restaurants, and then we maybe go dancing, or they break-of the conversation, or I break of the conversation.
The thing I am learning is to distinguish whether me starting/interupting a conversation will more likely lead to a conversation than just awkward silence ahead of time... I am slowly getting better at that :D
As a person who was moved from zero small talk ability to some, I've found that it works quite well to sort of repeat what the other person is saying when responding. I'm not telling you to parrot them, but if person A says "I really like being in my garden because it's relaxing and lot of fresh air". I respond "Yes, I also find myself being more calm when digging my hands into a vegetable patch", instead of just saying "I agree.", if the case is that you like gardening, you shouldn't lie of course.
That being said, I still don't really enjoy small talk but it still feels more comfortable to mee if I notice that the other person is receiving the response they expected. I know that in my example above, both responses says the same thing, but most people tend to continue talking and feel more comfortable if I respond in more verbose manners rather than "Yes." "I agree".
For some low-stakes practice find an active Discord server that matches some general interest you have, i.e. philosophy, sports, gaming, etc. Try to start and join conversations to get the cadence and refine your mental model of how conversation goes. Some very active Discords even have voice chats that you can join to get even better. Face to face conversations give you many more signals, i.e. body language, environmental context, etc. so it's like moving from easy, to medium to hard mode.
One thing you can do IRL is sincerely smile and ask cashiers and other service workers, "How's your day going?" This is super low stakes because, as long as they're not extremely busy, they are expected to be nice and will generally appreciate that you're treating them like a human.
I've tried this by prefacing it with "So I read this article about what to ask instead of small talk...", and obviously people will be intrigued and ask "So what were the questions?"
Translation of the questions:
1. What song would you pick to describe your hometown? - Like "Where are you from? Did you like it there?" but more interesting.
2. If you were a part of a car, which part would you be? - Better than animals or superheroes. If they say steering wheel, maybe they're a control freak?
3. Who would you bite first if you were a zombie?
4. Which movie title would you pick to describe yourself?
5. Muesli (cereal) and then milk in the bowl, or milk and then muesli? (The author writes if they answer milk first, they've lost control of their lives)
6. If you could read a book that tells you how the rest of your life will go, would you read it? - Is the person someone who wants to be prepared, or do they prefer the unkonown?
7. Which character of yours would you definitely want to pass down to your kids? And which do you not want to pass down? - This is basically asking "What are your strengths and weaknesses".
8. What would the perfect drug do to you? - "What would you be if not you?"
9. How and where would you get rid of a body? - You want this to be a memorable conversation, right? And it would be a starting point for your relatives to search for you.
I think people should avoid these for small talk replacement. There was a younger guy at work who led off exactly as you suggested (in fact, I checked your username to see if you were him). It was received so very poorly. People were not ready to have "odd" requests of them. There was no natural flow. If you want to ask questions, they should start in the context of the setting: have you been here before? Lived here long? What's a good way to do $something_related?
I'm not very good at initiating, but I'd like to think I'm pretty good at keeping it going. The golden rule is "maintain initiative". The way you do that is as follows:
1. Have a reason for engaging. Maybe your reason is just to practice, and that's totally fine. Anything goes here. Just be conscious and confident about your reason. When your reason has been fulfilled, it's a natural time to move on rather than feeling you need to continue to talk just because.
2. When possible, ask a question of the other party. If they mention they enjoy being in their garden, I would ask them about that. What's in the garden? What do they like to do there? Asking a question gives you the power of setting the topic of conversation while making the other party feel good because they're talking about themselves and specifically something they like to talk about (because they brought it up).
Setting the topic with a question is also a good position for you to be in, because it reduces the likelihood that the conversation's going to steer into a topic you're uncomfortable with. The way they answer also gives you some insight into what they value, which can be a clue for future questions.
Some northern Scandinavian people and especially the Finns do without it.
I tried having comfortable silences with my coworkers. Some like it, some just go insane. It kind of depends on the person - maybe some people never learn to appreciate the silence.
I've been to conferences in Finland and there's as much smalltalk as there is anywhere else. Going to a conference and everyone just standing there silently would be a waste of everyone's time and money.
let's say that I don't appreciate when a co-worker asks me every Monday "how is your week-end?". First of all - why the f*ck do you care, secondly - mind your own weekend. But "social norms" kinda force me to answer "that was fine thank you" and then keep fingers crossed that he does not start ask about the details which does not happen a lot because people don't really care about anyone but themselves. I honestly don't comprehend why can't we start Monday with casual Hello and then get back to work and enjoy silence. But I am not normal I guess.
Other posters have already given great tips for questions to ask, so I thought I'd add my overall approach. I assume that you're not specifically asking about small talk, but rather about how to hold conversations with strangers, such as in a party setting, maybe to kill time, maybe to get to know someone (your date?) better.
I am normally an introvert and I am somewhere between bad and okay at small talk because it bores the hell out of me, but I hold my own perfectly fine in conversational settings.
The key for me was to understand that small talk is like kindling, not firewood. It'll get a conversation started, but it's very hard to keep it going with just small talk. If you want an interesting and satisfying conversation that flows (relatively) naturally and where you really get to know someone better, you have to move past small talk quickly.
So I might start with mentions of the weather (common opener), or if they're parents, questions about their kids. However, I don't try to have a conversation about weather. I'm actually rapidly scanning for something substantial to work with. What do you do in bad weather? Good weather? Oh, you play pick-up soccer? Are you a soccer fan? Which club? Do you ever bet on games? Who do you play with? How did you meet them? Oh you're from North Carolina? Ok, can you tell me what the difference is between your barbecue and Texan barbecue? I've been told they're different, but I've never tried it.
That takes... maybe two minutes? And now we can have a conversation where this person spends the next five minutes telling me about how they do their briskets. When they finish, I either end the conversation so that it doesn't die a slow death, or I go back to prospecting for topics.
If the prospecting strategy isn't turning anything up but I get the sense that they're the touchy feely type, I sometimes try intentional vulnerability. "Hey, can I get your opinion on something? I'm trying to figure out what to get a friend for their birthday, but I'm bad at thinking of presents and I'm running out of time."
If I think they're the thoughtful type I might just go straight for something heavyweight like "so in your work, what keeps you up at night?"
If they're just not really responding, you shouldn't try to force it. There are people (and some really smart people) who might have to warm up to you first. If I were a better conversationalist, maybe that wouldn't be necessary, but I'm not, so sometimes the conversation just isn't going to go anywhere, and that's okay.
Now to address the important question; as far as I can tell, in North Carolina BBQ is a noun meaning vinegar based pulled pork, hush puppies and sweet tea. In Texas, and elsewhere BBQ is a verb.
The definition of BBQ in North Carolina varies depending where in the state you are. Eastern NC-style is vinegar-based sauce with whole hog pulled pork. Western-style (also know as Lexington-style) is thicker tomato-based sauce, the meat is also pork, but either pulled or chopped, and typically only the shoulder-cut.
Texas BBQ is (almost) always beef, usually brisket, but can also be different cuts and sausages. It's usually dry-rubbed with mixed seasonings.
"BBQ" is a verb everywhere, including NC and Texas, but outside the southern US, people use it to mean any type of outdoor cooking, while in the south it specifically means "slow smoked meat", while other types of cooking outside are called "grilling."
"BBQ" as a verb is a style of cooking (you could BBQ vegetables if you wanted), but "BBQ" as a noun, at least in the south, means meat slow cooked with smoke rather than direct heat.
>I am normally an introvert and I am somewhere between bad and okay at small talk because it bores the hell out of me, but I hold my own perfectly fine in conversational settings.
I have the same problem but I suppose I come off as an asshole to a lot of people because I can't be arsed to take interest in something that bores me. I think it equally (or even maybe more so) disingenuous to pretend otherwise because people can tell when you're faking it. This isn't a "fake it until you make it" scenario.
There are some people I catch easy strides with and have kept in touch with, years later - without having Facebook or the like. Those are few and far-between, though.
So, to my point: How do you hold your own perfectly fine in conversational settings if it bores you? Any tips you can provide?
> This isn't a "fake it until you make it" scenario.
I disagree; I think that's exactly what it is, and on two timescales.
There's within the individual conversation -- especially with another introverted-ish person. You might have to struggle your mutual way through some boring shit for a few go-rounds until one of you says something that opens up the window of the conversation.
And on the scale of year over year, I think it's learned behavior that stupid small talk can be a pathway to better things. I have great friends that I immediately fell in stride with, as you say, and I have great friends that took time to get to that point. Both are precious.
It's the handshake part of our communication protocol. So you get bored doing that now, sure, but the process is inherently a search and you are mutable. So either push through it and run through a preset search list or apply some sort of heuristic but it absolutely is "fake it till you make it". Lots of human conversation can easily work that way.
But the most important thing is that you're mutable and hence you don't have to accept it as just a part of you that you get bored by this. That can change.
I hope you don’t take this the wrong way, but if you are bored in a one on one conversational setting, and you have followed the advice of the top comments in this thread, then it likely boils down to one of you not wanting to talk to the other - not usually that someone is boring. What’s boring is that no one is genuinely attempting to get to know the other better by listening to what they are saying and following up with questions whose answers might, or might lead to, something that does interest them.
Either that, or the person being bored may have such narrow interests or lack of belief in the value others hold that they are unable or unwilling to find common ground. So I’d say - share your interests in an off-hand way during small talk, and attempt to steer the conversation in such a way that your partner(s) get a chance to do the same - and then pounce on common ground when you find it. And if you take responsibility for finding it, you always will - unless you’re not just “coming off” as an asshole.
It was a frame of mind thing for me, and changing my frame of mind helped.
I used to have the problem that too many conversations were boring to me, so I wouldn't engage. However, I found two key thoughts driving this feeling.
First, some of it came out of my own ego, like thinking I was above trivial things. The truth is I'm not, I'm just interested in different trivial things. And that's okay, but I did need to get over myself and learn to withhold judgement and appreciate the expertise that other people develop in their interests. There are still genuinely uninteresting people, but they are rare if you do a good job of prospecting for the things people focus their attention on.
Second, for me, the disinterest was sort of a social pecking order thing. However, it was mostly in my own head. In practice the leaders I respected were the ones who took care to treat me as an intellectual equal, even if they were formally higher on the hierarchy. A rare few people I know require token shows of power before they take you seriously, but most people just want you to relate to them.
I had a third realization that was more functional. I am an engineer because I've always thought like one (may not apply to anyone else). I've grown up looking at social conversations a bit like an anthropologist observing a human social ritual. It seemed like a wasteful artifact, and doing it just didn't feel natural for me. However, the reality of it is that it's central to how humans function. I can't opt out, but I can try to deconstruct it into a set of rules, guidelines, and practices that I can internalize just like any other skill, so that's what I did.
One key rule is that in any conversation (it's not my own phrase but I forget where it comes from) the other person first remembers how you made them feel, and second remembers if you said anything interesting. In cases where it's entirely a social transaction for me, rule #1 is to make them feel good. That might seem manipulative, but people who are naturally socially fluent do this intuitively, so I don't feel any guilt over intentionally doing it.
It's very much a "fake it until you make it" scenario, because our brains in many cases really do work that way. When you pick up a skill, your brain rewires itself in a way that over time the skill requires less conscious thought. Learning to carry conversations followed the same progression for me.
Perfect, perfect advice. The key thing you have to get over is that you have to start with the small, boring, concrete stuff. Those are all the handholds you generally have with a stranger, even if it's a friend of a friend. But watch for those openings, something that they sound like they're interested in. And then dive in.
Also, try not to kick yourself too hard later when you decide you said something stupid. There's no score.
I’m on the extroverted end of things but I think principles are the same.
First though: some people are simply hard to talk to. They just don’t give you anything back. If you run into these people, don’t beat yourself up over it. Just give it a try and move on if you can’t get anywhere.
Now for the meat of my advice: ask questions. Always be asking questions. I find that people generally love to talk about stuff that’s close to them.
Let’s try just two examples:
1. Where are you from?
- how big is it there?
- do you live downtown or in the suburbs?
- what’s traffic like?
- what’s the weather like there? Hot summers? Cold winters? Much snow? Much rain?
- is it expensive to live there?
- much to do there?
- do you do road trips from there? Is it close to other nice places?
- etc, forever
2. What do you do?
- What do you work on? Who do you work with? Hours? Keep up to date? Weekends? Evenings? How big is the company? How much time off? What do you do with your time off?
Basically I find myself constantly asking questions during these conversations. The more freely they talk, the more questions I’ll ask. I’ll also ask lots of personal questions later on in the conversation if things are going well.
How much is your house / car (generally) etc. The easy way to get to these answers is to offer your own: “The cost of living where I am is great, largely bc houses are relatively cheap. My house was $300k. I bet you can’t get a house for that much where you live?”
If you learn to start thinking in questions you’ll start to develop some good habits here and it’ll get easier.
But again, I can do this all day with the right people, but with the wrong people even 5 minutes I’d a slog.
Great tips, people love talking about themselves. I also like to try to be empathetic and really understand their answers. If people give a vague answer to a question, you can continue the conversation by trying understand their answer more fully and ask follow up questions.
I'd steer away from money questions and answers though. Official decorum often prohibits such questions and people can take those questions and answers quite personally.
Good points, I basically use the same strategy with a few exceptions:
Re: #2 I don't like to focus on conversations related to occupation, I've found people start to open up much more if you focus on who they are/what they actually enjoy doing outside of work, since most people don't like to be defined by their occupation. The random outlier being they work full-time on something they are really passionate/care about, but that is fairly easy to figure out if they mention it as how they spend their free time, or in rare cases they mention it due to the position being (in their eyes) a status symbol e.g. my college friends on Wall Street in IB/PE.
Re: House/car values, I've found people get real weird discussing values and it's sort of 50/50 on commiserating with you/being annoyed about high living costs. Some people love humble-bragging that they can afford to live in/own property in a location 2x * U.S. Avg CoL, others get annoyed you are apparently bragging about your affordable location. One of those things you'd have to play close to the chest. I think it all comes down to if they mention hating the high CoL where they are and their desire to move.
Can you give any advice on how to politely stop this kind of interrogation?
Personally I hate small talk but sometimes get dragged into these kinds of questioning sessions. I'd like to just be able to say, "I'd rather not discuss that", but that would obviously come off as rude.
Just start asking questions back to change the topic. Whoever is asking the questions holds the power to control the topic, so if you start asking them about what they thought of the ending of Game of Thrones, it becomes their fault that they're making it weird by insisting on asking about your mortgage terms.
Be yourself (if you're awkward/weird/whatever, that's okay - embrace it), be kind, be genuinely interested in other people, try to make other people have a good time, try not to worry about what they think of you and instead turn your attention outwards to them.
Smile! Most people are quite happy to be around quiet people who project an air of friendliness, so you don't have to say too much if you don't want to.
The biggest pitfalls I see with technical people in social situations are the following:
- trying to demonstrate knowledge (people don't generally care if you're an expert)
- trying to be right
- talking too much, listening too little
It's also okay to be honest and vulnerable. In fact, a great conversation starter might be something like, "I'm honestly not really the best at small talk...want to talk about something more interesting instead?"
Ask for help with something trivial but not unimportant. Then ask if they have done something like that before and see where the conversation goes. A little bit of flattery goes a long way.
I’ve found it’s helpful to just be genuinely curious about the people you meet. This seemed hard because although I am curious, I’m introverted and I don’t like to be nosy. But you don’t have to Start with heavy questions. For example, asking where someone is from and how they got here, or, if you’re taking to a couple, how they met, lets them answer however they are comfortable.
One thing I have noticed is that asking about what people do for a living is often not as interesting. Perhaps because it’s a very common opening question in America to assess whether the other person is “worthy”, people often respond with something canned and sometimes even performative. Once you get to know them a little it’s easier to have a meaningful conversation about what they do.
If you want to initiate small talk don't leave it too long, start with a greeting if you haven't already, ask 'how's it going' or 'how are you doing', come up with further questions if they give a complex response otherwise provide an anecdote about something you're up to (come up with these when you do the thing otherwise your mind will go blank when you go to bring something up).
I agree it's good to get people to talk about themselves but as an introvert don't you just hate when someone does that to you? I know I do. I think it would be better to balance it out a little. Sometimes I try to come up with some good stories to tell. Keep them short, to the point, and funny. I think people appreciate that. They will usually add comments or tell their own story and off you go. I like to prepare a few beforehand. Don't be boorish and let the other person interject as much as possible. Try to keep away from controversial or political topics, unless you want to take on that kind of conversation. If you do be nice and respectful of the other side of your argument.
Not to undermine the good advice people have already posted here, but HNers are going to approach these sorts of questions like an engineer. Social interaction like small talk is actually much closer to art than science(though both are involved), so it's a mistake to assume that there's a formula or framework that creates better smalltalk. That doesn't work because we never have even 10% control over the context and all the variables involved.
Basically, you have to learn to not have to think about initiating or responding to small talk. It has to just be second nature, and if you keep thinking "What should I say?", then you're sabotaging yourself before you've even started. By consciously thinking about small talk, your mind will overwork itself and you won't be as spontaneous. You might even hesitate when no hesitation is warranted.
Small talk actually isn't that hard, and this is coming from someone who is known as being quiet and reserved. When small talk is hard, it's our self-consciousness and insecurities getting in the way. Once you manage to get over yourself, small talk is really simple and can be basically anything small.
If you need practice that has a low risk of embarrassment, it's good to practice with old people because they are usually glad to have someone talk to and, in my experience, they have the humility to not give you the stink eye if you say something dumb. People at grocery store checkouts are good, too, and they can be either the clerks or the patrons themselves. You can make a simple remark about an item someone's buying, or even make suggestions based on what they're buying.
Just say anything! Well, almost anything. It's small talk, so obviously it's not good to bring up complex, serious, or very controversial subjects. Lose the "filter" that's preventing you from just making innocuous comments on things. I'm not going to tell you exactly what to say because small talk is very context dependent, so remarks about the weather can either be boring and cliche or the perfect way to break the silence.
There are some good kinds of questions that work I find work generally well, and they all share a theme of relatability. Everyone relates to technology, and remarks either praise or scoff at technology will generally get a response.
Is there a some relatively non-partisan current event in the news? Ask the other person what they think about it. People really love that.
"What do you think about <some song> getting banned being played on the radio?" Everyone's got opinions and strangers will usually take up your conversation.
Make a positive comment about a thing that a person owns, but be genuine about it. Those are just a few examples.
If you've got a "shower thought" that fits the context, just go with it. And if that seems bad to you, then you really need to work on losing your filter.
The moral of the story is to lose the filter. Everything after that is mostly up to you, and you can develop your own style that works with your personality, voice, and body.
Like I said, it takes lots of practice, and nobody out there has a formula that's going to turn you from someone who can't make small talk into someone who does.
For more linear thinkers (that's not a bad thing, engineers have to be good at it by necessity) turning off the engineer brain is very important, but it's rather hard to simply stop thinking the way you're used to thinking.
My suggestion is instead to focus your thinking on observing your gut reactions in social settings. As an engineer you often have to suppress that in order to focus on rational decision-making, but your gut is still there, and it's highly attuned to reading other people. You can use that to your advantage by learning to pay attention to it when you need to.
You saysomething about turtles... No wait, wrong smalltalk.
Seriously though, small talk is fleeting. You pick a generic subject (Something like: what's up? How are you doing? (if the person is doing something interesting) What are you doing? How does it work? Why are you doing that?). Just ask questions, don't get too personal at first. Pick up on clues, ask about what you hear. Keep it light. Backchannel a bit ("oh, I see", "uh-huh", nod, etc), but don't overdo it.
Oh, and practice, preferably with people that you know well.
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[ 3.1 ms ] story [ 115 ms ] threadHere’s my weird process. Practice free association. Basically, look at something in your surroundings. Say it aloud — “bench”. Say the FIRST word that pops into your head — “wood”. Now the first after that — “grain”. Keep going as fast as you are able, and go as long as you feel comfortable. It’s important to say it out LOUD — you might look like a bit of a crazy person practicing, but it builds your confidence in your own voice.
Now, when you’re headed to an event where you’ll want to make small talk, or even if you’re bored walking to work, practice this in your head. “Bus” — “driver” — “Ryan gosling” — “goose down” — doesn’t matter how goofy it is, just keep the chain going. In fact, goofier is better!
Now, when you feel the need to make small talk — and I mean make, not just respond to someone else — you play this game. Engage with your surroundings, with the person you’re talking to, and with what they’ve said. Take a moment and practice a little association. The first thing you think to say out loud to them (within reason, of course), go for it.
This works, I’ve found, much better for introverts than for extroverts — and no, extroverts are not all naturally social butterflies. This method is good for people who really just struggle with the mechanics of small talk.
As far as responding goes — responding is the easiest thing in the world, because you just need to keep engaging with what they’re saying! Doesn’t matter if it’s boring or inconsequential. Ask a question. Mention a similar experience you had.
I really recommend the classic How to Make Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie — 80 or something years old, and still a wonderful book on how to, basically, be someone people want to talk to and enjoy your time talking to people.
There are several things that can be used to keep this kind of thing afloat. Recent news, entertainment (movies, music) etc.
Usually, one of these things leads into a conversation where I can find a common interest (movies, hobby etc.) and that gives you some kind of rapport. Then you'll feel more comfortable and can talk smoothly.
This might sound weird or awkward but it gets better with practice till it becomes second nature. My main problem is these days is to start. I still have a few of a hello being rejected or being brushed aside and that gives me pause when I want to introduce myself to someone. That's how I behave on auto pilot so I have to force myself to say hello. That only happens if I'm energetic and feeling good so I try to make sure that I'm that way before getting into a situation where I need this.
Talk to more people. Humans are not state machines (?)
Starting is usually the hardest thing. Your goal here is to find out whether they want to talk with you, do initiate this by starting off with something easy that affects you both: the weather, the daily commute, morning rituals. The point here is not to convince the other side of your point of view, but to figure out if they wanna talk and to look for cues that you could use to move the conversation forward.
Most importantly the whole thing should be really low pressure: if somebody doesn’t wants to talk or the communication ends unexpectedly early, who cares? There can be a thousand reasons that have nothing to do with you, I had 20min talks with collegues on one day, while on another day the very same people would avoid finding answers and go their way. You also don’t have to be able to talk with everyone. Some people don’t enjoy talking, others only enjoy it when it is negative talk about others etc. Make sure not to talk shit about other people just to stay in a conversation, it pays off in the long run.
As someone else said here, start with a standard set of things. I often talk about the weather. Keep track of how the weather has been and make a remark about it ("It's been hot our recently, hasn't it", etc).
It's also important to consider greetings when you start a conversation. I talk to people on the street a lot (it helps that I live in a small town). At first, build familiarity just by smiling and saying, "Good morning" or hello. I have a very firm personal rule that if I pass someone older than me on the street and there are very few people around, I will smile and say "Hello". Smiling is very important, so don't forget that. After a few times, you can try your opening observation and see if they respond. If they don't, just let it go. If they do, try for a very small conversation (one or two sentences is absolutely fine!)
But the real trick is to transition into questions. Most people like talking about themselves and their preferences. You need to cultivate a curiosity about the other person. If they respond to the comment about the weather, think of a follow up question, "Do you like summer", etc. It's important to listen to what they are saying and to try to ask a question that is relevant to that that thing. It really takes a fair bit of practice, so don't be discouraged if you find it difficult.
The other important thing to consider is how to close the conversation. Once you get to an awkward silence, or if you just want to bail (which is totally fine), you need to learn how end the conversation and move on. This is also surprisingly difficult. Again, smiling is really important. If you are not used to smiling, practice smiling so that it more or less feels normal. Then just say something like "I'll talk to you later".
If find that elderly people are often very lonely and are very good conversation partners. Just walk down the street to find some. Or go to a bar and find someone drinking by themselves. Another thing you can do if you have time is to volunteer at a retirement home.
If you find yourself in parties, my advice is to pace yourself. Take opportunities, but don't feel that you have to stay for hours on end just because you think you have to mingle. Talk to a few people and when you've had enough, go home. Make sure to thank your host and be fairly candid about appreciating being invited, but that you have a low party threshold.
One last piece of advice that I think I got from the anime for "Sangatsu no lion" (Out like a lion). If you are having trouble meeting and making friends, start by making an animal friend. Then make a friend who is older than you. Then make a friend that is that same age as you. It's kind of like leveling up -- making friends in your peer group can actually be stressful and difficult for a lot of people.
If you want a book, I recently re-read "How to win friends and influence people" and it is quite good :-) The basic seems, you listen to the other person, and indulge in their interest?
In practical terms, I have started dancing, and in the dance hall, small-talk often happens.
I.m.o. most important is to read the room, and not be too personal?
I.e. if I am going to the bar to get a drink, and I hear somebody discussing i.e. how they returned from Italy where they managed to find a really good local restaurants, and it doesn't sound like a private conversation, and we might know each-other in passing, I might walk closer and ask about that.
If they give me a why-are-you-talking-to-me? look, I apologize for interrupting and retreat to somebody I know better :P
If they respond in kind we might have like a 3 minute conversation about good Italian restaurants, and then we maybe go dancing, or they break-of the conversation, or I break of the conversation.
The thing I am learning is to distinguish whether me starting/interupting a conversation will more likely lead to a conversation than just awkward silence ahead of time... I am slowly getting better at that :D
That being said, I still don't really enjoy small talk but it still feels more comfortable to mee if I notice that the other person is receiving the response they expected. I know that in my example above, both responses says the same thing, but most people tend to continue talking and feel more comfortable if I respond in more verbose manners rather than "Yes." "I agree".
And as some others have pointed out, practice.
One thing you can do IRL is sincerely smile and ask cashiers and other service workers, "How's your day going?" This is super low stakes because, as long as they're not extremely busy, they are expected to be nice and will generally appreciate that you're treating them like a human.
This not-so-serious German article has 9 questions you could try asking instead:
https://www.bento.de/haha/smalltalk-zehn-alternativen-fuer-d...
I've tried this by prefacing it with "So I read this article about what to ask instead of small talk...", and obviously people will be intrigued and ask "So what were the questions?"
Translation of the questions:
1. What song would you pick to describe your hometown? - Like "Where are you from? Did you like it there?" but more interesting.
2. If you were a part of a car, which part would you be? - Better than animals or superheroes. If they say steering wheel, maybe they're a control freak?
3. Who would you bite first if you were a zombie?
4. Which movie title would you pick to describe yourself?
5. Muesli (cereal) and then milk in the bowl, or milk and then muesli? (The author writes if they answer milk first, they've lost control of their lives)
6. If you could read a book that tells you how the rest of your life will go, would you read it? - Is the person someone who wants to be prepared, or do they prefer the unkonown?
7. Which character of yours would you definitely want to pass down to your kids? And which do you not want to pass down? - This is basically asking "What are your strengths and weaknesses".
8. What would the perfect drug do to you? - "What would you be if not you?"
9. How and where would you get rid of a body? - You want this to be a memorable conversation, right? And it would be a starting point for your relatives to search for you.
I tried this at a company event at a dinner, where we were socializing with colleagues from other locations and their spouses.
That said, I do hope I get to answer some of these questions soon.
1. Have a reason for engaging. Maybe your reason is just to practice, and that's totally fine. Anything goes here. Just be conscious and confident about your reason. When your reason has been fulfilled, it's a natural time to move on rather than feeling you need to continue to talk just because.
2. When possible, ask a question of the other party. If they mention they enjoy being in their garden, I would ask them about that. What's in the garden? What do they like to do there? Asking a question gives you the power of setting the topic of conversation while making the other party feel good because they're talking about themselves and specifically something they like to talk about (because they brought it up).
Setting the topic with a question is also a good position for you to be in, because it reduces the likelihood that the conversation's going to steer into a topic you're uncomfortable with. The way they answer also gives you some insight into what they value, which can be a clue for future questions.
I tried having comfortable silences with my coworkers. Some like it, some just go insane. It kind of depends on the person - maybe some people never learn to appreciate the silence.
Such as at the coffee (fika) break. It might be okay to just be silent. All you are going to talk about is rather obvious in either case.
I am normally an introvert and I am somewhere between bad and okay at small talk because it bores the hell out of me, but I hold my own perfectly fine in conversational settings.
The key for me was to understand that small talk is like kindling, not firewood. It'll get a conversation started, but it's very hard to keep it going with just small talk. If you want an interesting and satisfying conversation that flows (relatively) naturally and where you really get to know someone better, you have to move past small talk quickly.
So I might start with mentions of the weather (common opener), or if they're parents, questions about their kids. However, I don't try to have a conversation about weather. I'm actually rapidly scanning for something substantial to work with. What do you do in bad weather? Good weather? Oh, you play pick-up soccer? Are you a soccer fan? Which club? Do you ever bet on games? Who do you play with? How did you meet them? Oh you're from North Carolina? Ok, can you tell me what the difference is between your barbecue and Texan barbecue? I've been told they're different, but I've never tried it.
That takes... maybe two minutes? And now we can have a conversation where this person spends the next five minutes telling me about how they do their briskets. When they finish, I either end the conversation so that it doesn't die a slow death, or I go back to prospecting for topics.
If the prospecting strategy isn't turning anything up but I get the sense that they're the touchy feely type, I sometimes try intentional vulnerability. "Hey, can I get your opinion on something? I'm trying to figure out what to get a friend for their birthday, but I'm bad at thinking of presents and I'm running out of time."
If I think they're the thoughtful type I might just go straight for something heavyweight like "so in your work, what keeps you up at night?"
If they're just not really responding, you shouldn't try to force it. There are people (and some really smart people) who might have to warm up to you first. If I were a better conversationalist, maybe that wouldn't be necessary, but I'm not, so sometimes the conversation just isn't going to go anywhere, and that's okay.
Now to address the important question; as far as I can tell, in North Carolina BBQ is a noun meaning vinegar based pulled pork, hush puppies and sweet tea. In Texas, and elsewhere BBQ is a verb.
Texas BBQ is (almost) always beef, usually brisket, but can also be different cuts and sausages. It's usually dry-rubbed with mixed seasonings.
"BBQ" is a verb everywhere, including NC and Texas, but outside the southern US, people use it to mean any type of outdoor cooking, while in the south it specifically means "slow smoked meat", while other types of cooking outside are called "grilling."
"BBQ" as a verb is a style of cooking (you could BBQ vegetables if you wanted), but "BBQ" as a noun, at least in the south, means meat slow cooked with smoke rather than direct heat.
Also, read how to make friends and influence people, then when finished, read all the rebuttals.
I have the same problem but I suppose I come off as an asshole to a lot of people because I can't be arsed to take interest in something that bores me. I think it equally (or even maybe more so) disingenuous to pretend otherwise because people can tell when you're faking it. This isn't a "fake it until you make it" scenario.
There are some people I catch easy strides with and have kept in touch with, years later - without having Facebook or the like. Those are few and far-between, though.
So, to my point: How do you hold your own perfectly fine in conversational settings if it bores you? Any tips you can provide?
I haven't any id
I disagree; I think that's exactly what it is, and on two timescales.
There's within the individual conversation -- especially with another introverted-ish person. You might have to struggle your mutual way through some boring shit for a few go-rounds until one of you says something that opens up the window of the conversation.
And on the scale of year over year, I think it's learned behavior that stupid small talk can be a pathway to better things. I have great friends that I immediately fell in stride with, as you say, and I have great friends that took time to get to that point. Both are precious.
But the most important thing is that you're mutable and hence you don't have to accept it as just a part of you that you get bored by this. That can change.
Either that, or the person being bored may have such narrow interests or lack of belief in the value others hold that they are unable or unwilling to find common ground. So I’d say - share your interests in an off-hand way during small talk, and attempt to steer the conversation in such a way that your partner(s) get a chance to do the same - and then pounce on common ground when you find it. And if you take responsibility for finding it, you always will - unless you’re not just “coming off” as an asshole.
I used to have the problem that too many conversations were boring to me, so I wouldn't engage. However, I found two key thoughts driving this feeling.
First, some of it came out of my own ego, like thinking I was above trivial things. The truth is I'm not, I'm just interested in different trivial things. And that's okay, but I did need to get over myself and learn to withhold judgement and appreciate the expertise that other people develop in their interests. There are still genuinely uninteresting people, but they are rare if you do a good job of prospecting for the things people focus their attention on.
Second, for me, the disinterest was sort of a social pecking order thing. However, it was mostly in my own head. In practice the leaders I respected were the ones who took care to treat me as an intellectual equal, even if they were formally higher on the hierarchy. A rare few people I know require token shows of power before they take you seriously, but most people just want you to relate to them.
I had a third realization that was more functional. I am an engineer because I've always thought like one (may not apply to anyone else). I've grown up looking at social conversations a bit like an anthropologist observing a human social ritual. It seemed like a wasteful artifact, and doing it just didn't feel natural for me. However, the reality of it is that it's central to how humans function. I can't opt out, but I can try to deconstruct it into a set of rules, guidelines, and practices that I can internalize just like any other skill, so that's what I did.
One key rule is that in any conversation (it's not my own phrase but I forget where it comes from) the other person first remembers how you made them feel, and second remembers if you said anything interesting. In cases where it's entirely a social transaction for me, rule #1 is to make them feel good. That might seem manipulative, but people who are naturally socially fluent do this intuitively, so I don't feel any guilt over intentionally doing it.
It's very much a "fake it until you make it" scenario, because our brains in many cases really do work that way. When you pick up a skill, your brain rewires itself in a way that over time the skill requires less conscious thought. Learning to carry conversations followed the same progression for me.
Also, try not to kick yourself too hard later when you decide you said something stupid. There's no score.
The only losing move is not to play.
https://news.ycombinator.com/user?id=alankay1
First though: some people are simply hard to talk to. They just don’t give you anything back. If you run into these people, don’t beat yourself up over it. Just give it a try and move on if you can’t get anywhere.
Now for the meat of my advice: ask questions. Always be asking questions. I find that people generally love to talk about stuff that’s close to them.
Let’s try just two examples:
1. Where are you from? - how big is it there? - do you live downtown or in the suburbs? - what’s traffic like? - what’s the weather like there? Hot summers? Cold winters? Much snow? Much rain? - is it expensive to live there? - much to do there? - do you do road trips from there? Is it close to other nice places? - etc, forever
2. What do you do? - What do you work on? Who do you work with? Hours? Keep up to date? Weekends? Evenings? How big is the company? How much time off? What do you do with your time off?
Basically I find myself constantly asking questions during these conversations. The more freely they talk, the more questions I’ll ask. I’ll also ask lots of personal questions later on in the conversation if things are going well.
How much is your house / car (generally) etc. The easy way to get to these answers is to offer your own: “The cost of living where I am is great, largely bc houses are relatively cheap. My house was $300k. I bet you can’t get a house for that much where you live?”
If you learn to start thinking in questions you’ll start to develop some good habits here and it’ll get easier.
But again, I can do this all day with the right people, but with the wrong people even 5 minutes I’d a slog.
Good luck!
I'd steer away from money questions and answers though. Official decorum often prohibits such questions and people can take those questions and answers quite personally.
Re: #2 I don't like to focus on conversations related to occupation, I've found people start to open up much more if you focus on who they are/what they actually enjoy doing outside of work, since most people don't like to be defined by their occupation. The random outlier being they work full-time on something they are really passionate/care about, but that is fairly easy to figure out if they mention it as how they spend their free time, or in rare cases they mention it due to the position being (in their eyes) a status symbol e.g. my college friends on Wall Street in IB/PE.
Re: House/car values, I've found people get real weird discussing values and it's sort of 50/50 on commiserating with you/being annoyed about high living costs. Some people love humble-bragging that they can afford to live in/own property in a location 2x * U.S. Avg CoL, others get annoyed you are apparently bragging about your affordable location. One of those things you'd have to play close to the chest. I think it all comes down to if they mention hating the high CoL where they are and their desire to move.
Lol, you can talk to anyone whenever they are talking back or not is not your problem.
Personally I hate small talk but sometimes get dragged into these kinds of questioning sessions. I'd like to just be able to say, "I'd rather not discuss that", but that would obviously come off as rude.
Smile! Most people are quite happy to be around quiet people who project an air of friendliness, so you don't have to say too much if you don't want to.
The biggest pitfalls I see with technical people in social situations are the following:
- trying to demonstrate knowledge (people don't generally care if you're an expert)
- trying to be right
- talking too much, listening too little
It's also okay to be honest and vulnerable. In fact, a great conversation starter might be something like, "I'm honestly not really the best at small talk...want to talk about something more interesting instead?"
One thing I have noticed is that asking about what people do for a living is often not as interesting. Perhaps because it’s a very common opening question in America to assess whether the other person is “worthy”, people often respond with something canned and sometimes even performative. Once you get to know them a little it’s easier to have a meaningful conversation about what they do.
Basically, you have to learn to not have to think about initiating or responding to small talk. It has to just be second nature, and if you keep thinking "What should I say?", then you're sabotaging yourself before you've even started. By consciously thinking about small talk, your mind will overwork itself and you won't be as spontaneous. You might even hesitate when no hesitation is warranted.
Small talk actually isn't that hard, and this is coming from someone who is known as being quiet and reserved. When small talk is hard, it's our self-consciousness and insecurities getting in the way. Once you manage to get over yourself, small talk is really simple and can be basically anything small.
If you need practice that has a low risk of embarrassment, it's good to practice with old people because they are usually glad to have someone talk to and, in my experience, they have the humility to not give you the stink eye if you say something dumb. People at grocery store checkouts are good, too, and they can be either the clerks or the patrons themselves. You can make a simple remark about an item someone's buying, or even make suggestions based on what they're buying.
Just say anything! Well, almost anything. It's small talk, so obviously it's not good to bring up complex, serious, or very controversial subjects. Lose the "filter" that's preventing you from just making innocuous comments on things. I'm not going to tell you exactly what to say because small talk is very context dependent, so remarks about the weather can either be boring and cliche or the perfect way to break the silence.
There are some good kinds of questions that work I find work generally well, and they all share a theme of relatability. Everyone relates to technology, and remarks either praise or scoff at technology will generally get a response.
Is there a some relatively non-partisan current event in the news? Ask the other person what they think about it. People really love that.
"What do you think about <some song> getting banned being played on the radio?" Everyone's got opinions and strangers will usually take up your conversation.
Make a positive comment about a thing that a person owns, but be genuine about it. Those are just a few examples.
If you've got a "shower thought" that fits the context, just go with it. And if that seems bad to you, then you really need to work on losing your filter.
The moral of the story is to lose the filter. Everything after that is mostly up to you, and you can develop your own style that works with your personality, voice, and body.
Like I said, it takes lots of practice, and nobody out there has a formula that's going to turn you from someone who can't make small talk into someone who does.
My suggestion is instead to focus your thinking on observing your gut reactions in social settings. As an engineer you often have to suppress that in order to focus on rational decision-making, but your gut is still there, and it's highly attuned to reading other people. You can use that to your advantage by learning to pay attention to it when you need to.
Seriously though, small talk is fleeting. You pick a generic subject (Something like: what's up? How are you doing? (if the person is doing something interesting) What are you doing? How does it work? Why are you doing that?). Just ask questions, don't get too personal at first. Pick up on clues, ask about what you hear. Keep it light. Backchannel a bit ("oh, I see", "uh-huh", nod, etc), but don't overdo it.
Oh, and practice, preferably with people that you know well.