Ask HN: Should I part ways with my cofounder?
We discussed the issue, it looks like he has an issue with chronic fatigue (in his old work, he had a hard time keeping his focus on his work), so fatigue may be unrelated to work. At the same time, he plays videogames for much longer than that, so I suspect what he is doing impacts motivation.
I tried to find ways with him to motivate himself, but I see no improvement. We talked about scaling equity with time spend working. I am thinking about asking him to track time more precisely with an app such as rescue time, but I feel this is a stupid thing to ask to a co-founder and the core issue lies deeper.
I have no issue whatsoever working on my own on this project (I wrote the overwhelming majority of the code myself), but I feel bad for him if I push him aside, although it might be a good thing for him because it would force him to take responsibility of his situation.
Thoughts?
18 comments
[ 1.9 ms ] story [ 61.1 ms ] threadCut your losses before stuff gets more complicated, consider teaming up with the other guy.
If you start asking yourself this question you should probably part ways. If you're going to hold that to yourself, chances are you'll start hating him slowly like boiling a frog.
I agree with the "fail mode system" though
Whether you work with family, friends or strangers it is a relationship and so you have to choose wisely who you go into business with. Your brother sounds as though he was lacking motivation before you guys started. My 2 cents is he is more likely depressed than suffering from chronic fatigue, only he really knows right now but either way means he should seek some professional assistance.
In your case, to be direct, you probably picked poorly in this case, not because he is your brother, but because his work focus was poor prior. Continuing to accept it only makes the situation harder, so it does have to be addressed sooner rather than later, which sounds like you are doing.
In my experience and opinion, you need to be direct with him, not confrontational/argumentative but direct. And you need to say that you don't want to continue with him as a co-founder if he can't find the motivation to make things successful. And frankly, ask him if he really wants to be the reason you suffer. No you aren't laying a guilt trip on him because you are prepared to move forward, asking him if he wants to see you fail or the company fail gives him the opportunity to view his actions differently.
The key is you have to make a decision soon. Either you are going to accept him and try to help him through this while he is part of the business, or you cut your business ties and move forward but still help him through this personally to what degree you can. Be clear with this that it is cutting the business ties and nothing else. Make extra efforts for awhile to continue the relationship outside of the business and include him in activities so he feels that not just hears comments. This is the same way you would handle a friend you cut as a co-founder if you value the relationship, which is why I see no difference between friend and family in this case. But you have to make a decision and not blame him for it, it is just facts of the business and move forward. If you spend your time blaming him or delaying the decision you will resent him more everyday and this will destroy the relationship, but if you do that it is your fault not his.
If the fatigue is not his problem, it could be he is just not believing in the success of your mission/product anymore and feels bad about, does not know how to approach you about it.
If he is still believing. Try to attack the health issue, motivation first.
You should definitly have a serious talk with him what you both can do to improve the situation.
Don't be cruel or unkind, but be honest. Tell him to move aside, and go on without him for both your sakes. If you stay as you are you will both rot. If he can overcome his problems (with time - you can't force it on someone who doesn't want it) he will understand what you did, and why. If not, that's just too bad. I would bet, however, that your brother will eventually get tired of being tired, and pick himself up. When that time comes, you'll be there to reach back and pull him forward.
Best of luck.
I learned to calm my mind by reading, and following the exercises in a series of books called, 'The power of now', and 'Practicing the power of now' by Eckhart Tolle. Some people have difficulty in picking up these books, particularly 'The power of now', because it was featured on Opera. Or because it's a'new age' title. If this is you (dear reader): get over yourself, and this book will change your life. It's a tiny book that you can read, cover to cover, in a few hours. It's available in many languages, and also as an audio book.
These books will teach you how to calm your mind by learning to be 'present'. You'll learn how to observe your mind -- how to accept the thoughts, obsessions, preoccupations about things that happened in the past; how to accept the worry, dread, and anxiety about things that may happen in the future. Past and future are important, but none truly affect you like the present. Right now, right this very moment as you read what I've typed, you are actually free of these burdens.
Learning to be present was foundational to everything else I've done to break out of the cycle. I became self-aware in a way that made it impossible to reconcile the various negative character traits I had developed from early adolescence. I stopped procrastinating not because I developed some super-human will power or laser-like focus, but because I learned to spot the moment my mind wandered away from the task at hand. I stopped waiting for things to be 'perfect' before starting something because, in the present, nothing is perfect or imperfect -- it just is what it is and that's that. I stopped waiting for things to fall into my lap (to get lucky) because, for the first time that I can remember, things started happening because I made them happen.
We'll call this Phase 1, from about 2012 to 2016. The problem is that over time I became complacent. I got used to the new 'normal'. I started using 'being present' as a band-aid, a life-hack that I could apply whenever I noticed I was going back to my old ways. I was also increasingly feeling tired and lacking mental and physical stamina; finding it difficult to stay sharp and focused in meetings, particularly in the afternoon. It got to the point where all those old problems -- procrastination, depression, anxiety -- were becoming more and more difficult to manage simply by being present. The problem: I was overweight, and likely suffering the effects of early type 2 diabetes; the effects of drinking soda with every meal, eating four or five meals a day, and limiting my physical exertions to getting on and off the bus to work.
This is when I discovered intermittent fasting, the Keto diet and regular exercise.
Phase 2, from about 2016 to the present. I bought a bicycle and started cycling to and from work (12 miles round trip). I stopped eating breakfast and lunch. I stopped drinking soda, and eating sweets. I reduced my carb intake to 5g a day. Within about a week, I had lost 3% weight. In the first month, I lost 8%. After three months, I was 15% lighter. I started sleeping better -- a LOT better -- and waking up effortlessly in the morning. I had never been a 'morning person', and used to set four or five alarms (and a dozen snoozes); now I don't even set an alarm. I can't help waking up early and feeling completely refreshed! I started wearing clothes that fit well -- this is an underrated, AMAZING feeling! At work, I stopped feeling tired at all; in fact, I was (and still am, almost to the annoyance of my colleagues) sharp and focused throughout the day.
> Did I do anything in particular to break out of the cycle?
If you're looking to begin, I would start all of the above at the same time. It's going to take a few months to really get going, but you'll feel the benefits almost immediatel...
I wish I'd taken more time to write the response in a way that's easier to read; you are most welcome. If it's not working for you, or you need inspiration, or you want to share notes do feel free to drop me an email at nao-at-nao360.com. I have all the time in the world for people that want to be happy, and are willing to put in the work.