Ask YC: Dealing with a major event like death?

Although I am fortunate because I can say that nothing like this has ever happened to me, my sincerest, warmest condolences go out to you and your roommate's friends and family. I cannot imagine what it must be like. I hope you find strength and light in a time of darkness.

I wish you the very best of luck on both your last year of college and your startup; enjoy them as much as possible!

Let us know if you need anything - I am sure I speak on behalf of the YC community in offering you our heartfelt support and assistance.

Sorry for your loss. I'd suggest taking a short break from the startup to focus on finals and getting through this tough time. You'll know when you're ready to get back at it.

I'd hate to give you advice that I know won't work, because I've received the same in the past. I can only tell you what I've learned from my experience.

Last year, as finals were approaching, I would drive up north every weekend to see my grandpa in the hospital. He was suffering from a bad case of kidney failure. It was an immensely stressful time of my life, ultimately ending in him passing away the weekend before finals. We were extremely close. After hearing the news, attending the funeral, etc., I realized I hadn't cried much, and thought that was weird. I was bottling up my emotions thinking that is was the 'manly' way of coping. What happened was that I had bottled up so much emotion, that the bottle couldn't contain any more, and every so often the bottle started to leak emotions, and I found myself in periodic ruts of depression. So the lesson for me was to just mourn.

So, just mourn. Of course, realize that you have responsibilities and goals that need attention, but if taking time off will help you cope, then so be it. Face the situation and don't try to run around it, because it will catch up with you.

My condolences.

Take time to deal with the emotional side, the milestones can wait.

I've had a close friend of mine taken in a very bad way this past year, which also happened to be my senior year of college. Luckily for me, she was not only my friend but very well known throughout our community and we all came together to mourn our loss AND celebrate her great accomplishments. I still think about her often and hope to live by the goodness she represented. I've gotten to think of the entire event as a blessing in disguise, as our loss has now brought us together and caused us to reevaluate our goals, principles and lifestyles.

My sincerest, heartfelt condolences to you for your loss. Spend time with those who are close to you and remember him, what he stood for, his impact on you and what you can do to better yourself. I know it must be very hard now but just know that in time, it will pass. Life will move on and it is our responsibility to remember those lost and live our lives the best we can. Surround yourself with your loved ones in tough times, that is probably the best advice I can give. Good luck on finals.

dealing with death is usually very difficult when you do not know how it sits with you, and how it sits with your world view (religion, faith, family, geography, and your expectations). i think that mourning is just a part of the process to find out what you really believe in, its a hard test that life throws our way. just know that you can pass it and look forward to what is next. i find comfort in knowing that death is just a part of life, like birth is too. i find comfort in knowing that God has a plan for all of us, and that everything is a part of that plan.

My condolences. That must be very, very tough.

Many colleges have counseling services and I'd advise you to seek them out ASAP. They can help you. Among the least important of the things they can do is help you try and get some extensions on your finals so that you don't have to concentrate on some stupid book less than a week after this terrible shock.

If your college can't help I'd still advise you to see a counselor. As someone who is married to a counselor, I assure you that they have skills that I will never match, especially over the freaking Internet. I do love the web, but sometimes it really is a lousy substitute for a face-to-face conversation with a human being.

I will confine myself to this advice: Your finals are unimportant, and your "milestones" an order of magnitude less important than that. Your well-being is important. Give yourself permission to mourn. You need to do it -- everyone needs to do it -- and it's unreasonable to expect it to be possible to shunt it off to the side and focus on work. And, in general, the people around you will understand this. The world will not come to an end if you take some time for yourself.

[Composed before I read kyro's post, which is precisely on point.]

So, a long time ago, my best friend died. It was really hard. I didn't eat or talk much. I still go to his grave from time to time. It was a fundamental change in my life.

Take the time you need. A week of renting old movies or playing video games is a tiny tiny risk to both your degree and your startup.

I'm not sure what's best for you, but for me, i had to take time to figure out what it meant that my friend was never coming back. It's hard. Once I came to grips with that i thought a lot about what really matters.

If it was me, I'd not work on the startup, and just doing enough school to keep up for a day or three... Spend time thinking through exactly why I was in school, and why i'm doing a startup. But again, do what's best for you. Maybe work is just the thing to keep your mind off how tough something like this is.

Call your parents. Talking to my dad was a lot better than my mom.

If you feel like i think you feel, these words won't really mean any thing, but you have my deepest sympathy. It gets easier... but there are always tough days.

No amount of grieving is going to bring anyone back from the dead, so try to move on with your life.

Try a change of scenery, avoid doing things and places that remind you of your roommate. Try to study at a different location, maybe the library or a starbucks. Find a different place to sleep too, crash at friends maybe. Don't mourn or even think about what happened until you've hit your milestones. Thinking even a little will open a flood of emotions. Play a game or something (flash game / mine sweeper / super mario) whenever you need to take a break or when you lose focus, but don't let your brain go idle. Get more sleep deprived than usual, so your brain will be a bit less reflective and you will fall asleep quicker too. Oh, and try to completely avoid news sites and all that stuff.

At least, this is how I handled it when I didn't have time to mourn. Your milage may vary. My condolences and I hope you'll make it through this period.

I watched a friend of mine slowly die of AIDS over a number of years. I was in the room at the Hospice when he actually died.

I drank to deal with it.

My wife's 18 year old brother died of a stroke in his sleep. He was an adopted kid who's biological mother was a cocaine addict.

She wrote a book about him.

I ended up with alcohol problems and she is close to getting a book deal. I'd say her approach was the superior one.

This is definitely a time to put everything on hold and think about life for a bit.

School, jobs, and startup can wait - talk to a dean about your finals, you can take them at the end of the summer. As far as jobs, write "Expected graduation: Summer 2008", on your resume and get a letter from your school explaining there are extraordinary circumstances that prevented you from taking your finals.

Spend time in places without distractions (mountain, park, beach?) and let your mind wander for awhile - think about life, about what your roommate's passing means in respect to your life. When you feel ready to get back, you'll be more focused than before.

Death of a close one is always a sobering experience - take some time to take it in fully before getting on with things.

All the best, practically and emotionally, Andrey

You don't deal with death. It deals with you.

In a short span when I was younger, a friend killed himself, my great grandmother died at 99 years 11 months of age, an acquaintance died in a car accident, and an old friend's brother died in a freak golf accident from a brain aneurysm.

It's not an exaggeration to say it all changed my life permanently. My advice is to let it. Don't go stoic and pretend it is something that happens every day. There is a quote by Camus that gives you a sense of the solemnity and the terror of the thing: "Don't wait for the Last Judgment; it happens every day."

This one may not be for everyone, but John Donne wrote some words about death that I have found useful at these times.

"No man is an island, entire of itself; every man is a piece of the continent, a part of the main. If a clod be washed away by the sea, Europe is the less, as well as if a promontory were, as well as if a manor of thy friend's or of thine own were: any man's death diminishes me, because I am involved in mankind, and therefore never send to know for whom the bells tolls; it tolls for thee."

http://www.online-literature.com/donne/409/

Those words are not just about your friend... they're about you. Death is deeper than cells and physics. Be involved in mankind. Don't be an island. Lean on your friends and family.

And take time to process things. Life can wait.

May your friend rest in peace, and may you find some source of comfort and solace.

I wish I had some properly good advice, but I'm woefully behind on my project for a very similar reason.

1) Keep your friends and relatives close to you 2) Amuse yourself - TV, Movies, books, chat, etc. 3) Exercise - Jogging, Basketball, etc. 4) Move on and accept that sometimes things happen...

In the last year, two very good friends of mine lost fathers to suicide. One friend chose to seek emotional shelter in his family and friends, and he let the necessary depression and mourning take over his life for about a year, while he was in a safe place.

The other became an alcoholic and a drug dealer.

Honor your friend and his memory, by putting him first now, so that later in life, you will know that you have made your peace.

Lyime,

I am really sorry for your loss. I had a similar experience. I worked at a spot a few years ago. I had one particular guy stick his neck out for me and help me a lot. We worked side by side and he would drive me home almost every day after work.

I would never forget. I was sick on Tuesday and he was very caring and asked me several time if I needed anything. The next morning I came to work and found he died. He collapsed at home and when they got him to the hospital they found he was at the final state of diabetes and he never knew it.

I was shocked and did not cry right away. I was extremely hurt and I felt better when I stop trying to be tough and cried when I wanted to.

Acceptance will help you. Think of the good moments you had and cry about it as well. It will be good.

I wish you the best and always remember "what does not kill, makes one stronger".

I'm a believer in grief counseling. Instead of asking a bunch of hackers who can at best somewhat relate due to something somewhat similar, go ask a professional trained to help you in this sort of situation.

I'm sorry to hear that, lyime.

The reality is that coping with such an event is different for everyone.

You owe it to yourself to keep your best interests in mind right now. And if that means putting off your startup and getting finals extensions, then you absolutely should.

You know, I seriously, seriously think that transhumanists have an easier time dealing with death. We're not all conflicted about death. We have no concept that we ought to be bottling up the anger. We don't think we ought to be "coming to terms" with death. Making peace with death is not a goal. Death is horrible and we have to stop it.

There, that's it, you're done. That's the resolution.

http://yudkowsky.net/yehuda.html

(my little brother, he was 19)

My condolences.

I went through the death of my brother many years ago and it was hard. Looking back, I did some stupid things and some good things. From my experience these may help you:

* Acknowledge your emotion. Cry when you need to. * Talk. The face-to-face conversations I had with my friends were truly life-saving. Even the times they didn't say anything. * Talking a stranger on a bus journey also helped in my case. There was something about it that also helped. * Spend some time alone in a place that you love. * Writing also helped a lot. I wrote a lot. Most of it without really thinking - just pages and pages of anything and everything. It was a great release.

Take care.

I'm sorry for your loss.

Some milestones, perhaps self-imposed professional ones, can wait. Others, like doing well on finals, can't. We all have responsibilities. Prioritize as best you can.

Now might be a good time to call in some favors from friends, family, and your school's faculty. Ask your dean and professors what policy is in situations like this. Talk to your friends. Go to your family.

Part of community is providing aid in difficult times. Don't hesitate to use the resources available to you.

I've found that posting about it on the Internet often helps.

When my mother died about 6 months ago it was hard, but I was surprised at how fast i could put my self together and concentrate on my real dreams. I started to learn programming for seriously(before that it was just some curiosity) Started orienting myself and stopped wasting time, because I realised i have no time to lose. You have to be great and have to work hard at your goals. I still wish my mother's guidance and support were here, but i manage pretty well on my own. In the morning when my aunt came to tell me she said "you are a philosopher,you understand, life sometimes sucks" It takes some philosophical patience and understanding to deal with a tragedy, and its always hard. Hope you all take care of yourselfs and not do stupid things, just try to understand your situation and take time to heal if its needed. I needed only a week before i started school again and its nice to talk to people. If i have something as an advice it should be something like "Don't isolate yourself" I know some hackers are loners by nature(im a pretty extreme case) but its good to be around people, that's why we gather in times of tragedy.

First let me say I'm sorry for your loss.

The only advice I can give you is talk about it with someone, it doesn't have to be a counselor or something, just a good friend. Also don't think that it does nothing to you anymore in a couple of weeks, it stays hard to cope with but it will get better. Best of luck!