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Ask HN: How to get past your wife's past?

4 points by throwaway102219 ↗ HN
I recently got married and found a few things about my wife's past that has wrecked havoc in my mind. I'm not able to focus on work, and feeling low self esteem and depression. Logically, I understand that past is past, and it's gone but when I try getting back to work, my mind goes lost and I feel like crying. Have you ever been in this situation? How do you force your attention to your work?

10 comments

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sellingwebsite
Have you ever talked to her about these issues? I know it is easier said than done but running away from these problems by "force your attention to your work" isnt a way to solve them
AnimalMuppet
Or perhaps not to her. Perhaps to a professional counselor. (Random people on the internet are not a substitute.)
throwaway102219
yes I did talk to her about it, for hours and hours. she says she's embarrassed about it herself, and wanted to forget about it and move on with her life. it comforts me for a while, but when I'm not talking to her, my mind wanders back to the same pit of gloominess. is it something that people can get over?
FourLoopJoop
not married but in college i encountered a similar issue with a girlfriend. ego is the enemy, she was who she was and youll never be able to change. hit the gym and get channel that energy bro.
hos234
Read some Esther Perel. Nothing is obvious about rebuilding Trust and Respect in relationships. Very dependent on personality types, what outcomes are possible.
redsable
After she shared with you, did she ask your forgiveness?
gshdg
Depending on the issue, it may not be something that it’s appropriate to ask forgiveness for. For instance, “I made a porn video with my high school boyfriend and it leaked to the internet” is a mistake, not an injury done to the now-husband. Same with “I got pregnant in college and had an abortion.” Or “I was addicted to painkillers long before we met and stole money from friends and family, but I’m 100% clean now.”
Rannath
Good news: People can usually get over anything, in time. Give it a bit before you do anything drastic. It should bother you less and less as time goes on, even if you don't do anything else.

You almost certainly want to do something else to help. Talk to someone, professionally if needed. If your work/community/whatever has a crisis centre, this is what they're for.

It might be a risk depending on where you work, but tell your boss/client you might take a bit longer at whatever you're doing. Unless you have a hard deadline you can usually get some leniency at work, provided you've been there a while and don't abuse their compassion.