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There must be more to this

23 points by Ptrulli ↗ HN
This is a story about my life so far and why I want to change things.

I'm a Father of two with a regular 9-5 job. My daily routine is not unique in anyway. Wake up, head over to the gym, shower, head back home, get the kids ready for school and leave the house for work. Standard right?

My Wife on the other hand works 9-5 but often the shifts are 12+ hours because of deadlines, constraints, priorities. This has really begun to bother me. I see my wife tired, mentally exhausted and almost like she's been defeated.

Our children need mom and dad, want to play, explore and laugh with us. But, sometimes it's hard to muster the energy when work has taken its toll on you all day. How unfair is that for the kids? They expect our love, attention and company, it's so hard when they don't get that time or emotional support. This really has been eating away at me for sometime.

I keep hearing about work life balance but in our case work seems to control the pendulum weighing down on the work side of things more often than not.

So it got me thinking… Why are we subjecting ourselves to this? Why can't we create and achieve financial freedom? I am not referring to getting rich but replace our salaries over time so we can be there for our kids. The time we have is so limited I really want to spend more of it as a family. This has motivated me to really push on, evev when things aren't easy.

I'm not sure where this will lead me, but I'm determined to make this work. Coming up with ideas, validating those ideas, and making something to solve my own and others problems. I'm not sure what they will be or look like, but I'd like to program it myself and work with my wife to provide value to those who seek it.

This post is my initial stamp and will serve as a reminder and keep me motivated to continue on with this this task. I hope this has inspired others to act as we can only control our destiny if we act for it.

16 comments

[ 2.8 ms ] story [ 43.0 ms ] thread
tartoran
Hey, im in the same situation and heres how Ive been managing so far. I downgraded everything in my life except for my family who take absolute priority. I live in a smaller apt that i can afford, we live in a safe neighborhood but not the fanciest one i could afford, we dont eat out and dont spend money on things that are not essential, we cook, and do a lot of things that don’t cost a lot of mondey. This has helped us save enough money (not a lot..) to be able to work less and spend more time with the kids, especially being outdoors. I find that these years are foundational for the kids and want to be part of it. Possibly things are going to be harder later, not being able to retire early or without a good nest egg, but once again, priorities are family, now.
Ptrulli
That's great to hear. The fact your choosing to live more frugal in order to devote these important years to family. Congrats on that aspect of things. I wish you all the best and thanks for taking the time to respond to this post.
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ebcode
Thanks for posting this. It takes a bit of courage to write what you have. The hardest thing (for me) is to detach mentally/emotionally from the job when you're not there. You've just spent all day in an office, and it's difficult to be truly present when you get home. All I can say is that I struggle with similar issues, and I'm trying to work on setting more firm boundaries between me and my job. I wish you and your family the best of luck (and strength) in the coming months.
Ptrulli
Thank you very much. I truly appreciate your comments and support. I agree it's tough to separate between the two but it's something we will work on going forward.
keiferski
Hi, thanks for the post. I don't know what your personal circumstances are, where you live, how mobile your job and your wife's job are, but: have you considered working remotely and then moving to somewhere that your salary would go further, and thus give you more time to be with your kids?

For example: if you managed to get a remote job making $50,000 USD a year, that's a pretty good living for a family in a small city in Spain, France, Italy, Poland, Czechia, the Balkans, etc. You could work less hours (and have no commute) and your wife might not even have to work at all. Or you could both work part-time.

As I said, it's not as easy as I make it sound, but it's something to consider.

Ptrulli
Thanks for your input on this. I haven't given much thought to moving from Canada to abroad. But maybe that's the alternative. It would be a difficult transition for everyone as most of my family is close to me 30 drove tops. Maybe if the situation doesn't improve perhaps that's something I could take into consideration.
speedplane
I really like the honest description of where you stand, and the way you value raising your family is commendable. But at the risk of being a bit contrarian, maybe you want to do more than raise a family?

Raising a family is a wonderful endeavor and an important part of life, but it's just one part of life. Most people work at least 40 hours a week, that's a huge part of their existence. Finding employment or activity that you're proud of and inspired by can take those 40 hrs/week from drudgery to inspiration.

I don't want to insert my own values for your own, but maybe consider optimizing your work life for yourself, and raising a family may come with it.

Ptrulli
Thank you. I appreciate your view on this. Im really thinking to create or start a business myself. Now, I know that may be contrary to what I mentioned above, the amount of time needed to pursue this goal, meaning less time working more time at home. But, I believe I could achieve that or at least balance it in a way that works for me. I think the best fit at least from my ignorance is some type of SaaS. I can control time, I'm passionate about solving problems and programming in general. I just need to commit to an idea and go for it. I know that most likely the SaaS wouldn't be the end all be all, but at least it's a start. What are your thoughts on this?
speedplane
> Im really thinking to create or start a business myself. ... I think the best fit at least from my ignorance is some type of SaaS. ... What are your thoughts on this?

It's a great idea. Starting a business will open you up to a whole world of new skills. As a programmer, you can probably start something with zero capital, just your free time, so the risks can be generally low. To make it successful, it will eventually become all-consuming, but it doesn't have to be at the start.

I've started two SaaS businesses, one successful, one not, and looking back I still think the most gratifying moment is going from $0 in revenue to $1. Doing that still takes many nights and weekends, but you can still psychologically treat it like a hobby. The emotionally hard part comes after that first dollar, although you should just cross that bridge when you get there.

Happy to chat more about this offline if you're really interested, feel free to lookup my profile and email me.

Ptrulli
Great, thank you very much. I will send you an email at some point or another
kleer001
I see this in my SO. Her work so fully optimizes its use of her time and energy she's got nothing left at the end of the day and she wakes up early on the weekend with nightmares. Like, it sucks her dry. Which was fine when she was single, but I'm feeling left out more and more often. I think she's seeing it. It's a continuous discussion.
idoh
What role is your SO in? Just curious so I can avoid it!
kleer001
Managerial / Lead / Expert of esoterics, 10+ years at the same company
Ptrulli
There must be sometype of framework she can use to detach from work. Have you tried or suggested meditation, maybe that's a way to calm the brain at least dealing with the nightmares.
kleer001
Yup. Oh, I've tried all sorts of clever things.

Nobody has ever been much motivated by external forces as they are from internal forces. Oh, humans.

Horse to water... and all that.