Ask HN: Do you ever contact people who have had a positive impact on you?
In the last year or so I've tried to make an effort to email people who have had some sort of positive impact on me. I specifically choose email because to me it feels more personal than a tweet or some other equivalent.
I've emailed quite a few people and have been very surprised at the 100% reply rate I've received and in some instances, the conversations that have developed from them.
The emails are usually very short, personalised messages along the lines of "Hi X, thank you very much for Y. It had a positive impact on me because of Z. All the best"
Some of the people include small to medium sized musicians, authors, developers, and teachers.
I kind of feel like a bit of a weirdo doing it because I don't really hear of many people who do the same. But sometimes I just genuinely want to thank a person for what they've contributed.
142 comments
[ 4.3 ms ] story [ 214 ms ] threadIt's definitely not to common, but I think it's great to send positive vibes down the wires.
I’d say a physical letter stands out even more.
I have contacted just a few people (every two/three months) and sent them longer texts with specific examples of why something they did or said had a positive impact on me. The channel does not matter to me, it depends on what kind of contact possibilities I have to that person. It's usually a really long compliment, which I let one or two persons, who know the one I'm writing to, proof-read. I want to make sure it conveys the genuine "thank you" and does not make me look like a stalker or trying to flirt.
Since I only got a ~33% response rate, I am unsure whether I should continue doing that - 66% of the people I've contacted probably see me as a weirdo...
This was the first time I've also become a Pateron for somebody, but I really felt like I wanted to give back/support their content.
They did respond with a nice message too so it seemed that it actually reached them.
It's so easy to give negative feedback and feels like it'll be taken as "creepy" or with some other intention to give positive feedback.
FWIW I've been making a concerted effort to give out much more positive feedback, since I had a psychiatrist who said "it takes roughly 9x the positivity to offset 1x of negativity" (or something to that effect), "So make sure when you feel something positive that you let people know, it's very important" and honestly just being brave enough to give that kind of positive feedback is enough.
I can tell you _for sure_ that it's appreciated, and you should definitely not have any inhibitions if it's well intentioned.
In fact, this post has inspired me to increase the scope of my positive feedback, so, thank you. :)
Amazing, I've never thought about it that way, but it's very accurate.
Guess what that makes us? Really good at spotting problems.
It does not automatically make us good at expressing appreciation or praise. We have to develop that deliberately.
I’ve been trying to work on writing to more people every year as it can be quite intimidating sometimes, writing to those you admire, but the pretext of thanksgiving helps overcome that.
What a nice idea!
When I got my degree in Math I wrote to the high school math teacher who let me take advanced courses even though I did not have the prerequisite classes. She seemed very happy to hear from me, and also I felt that I had done a good thing. Positive all around.
I agree it can feel like a strange thing to do, but in my personal experience the effects are amazing, not only on the person you write to, but also on yourself.
I figure it this way: I'm using "free" software, but what if I wasn't? What would I spend on Windows licenses and apps and stuff over a year? I'll set aside that amount of money, and put it into the hands of those who deserve it.
In several cases, folks have asked me to give the cash to a charity instead, or find another project to support because they're doing alright and the words mean more than a few bucks.
Not only have I gotten some fantastically appreciative responses, but I also come away with a glowing pride and deep satisfaction myself.
Their commitment isn't thankless. My gratitude isn't silent. The feedback loop isn't broken, and the end-user's voice has been heard loud and clear.
It says "you're awesome".
I've also credited them in some of my writings:
https://jacquesmattheij.com/your-own-company-you-can-do-it/
Realizing that you need other people to get ahead and that some people will take a chance on you when nobody else will is a good start in paying it forward. It will prepare you for the day when you can take a chance on someone. And some of those will work out, and some won't. I'm happy to say that on the whole more than half of those cases worked out very well indeed.
Worth noting is that not all feedback was positive, I received one very weird response that I can't really square with my recollection of the past but then again, a lot of time has passed and who knows the state of mind the recipient was in. I certainly don't hold it against them.
> – dedicated to Piet Tacx, Fred Fluitsma and Eddy de Leeuw, thank you both very much for my early career and everything that followed from it.
it says "both" but you're thanking three people :-)
That is so true.
Just 2 weeks ago I have sent an expensive whisky bottle to my highschool Computer Science teacher. He let me manage the school website and that trust has had some influence on my career.
Not many people do this and you are really putting a smile on those people faces. I don't want it to sound transactional, but apart from being nice, this is also introducing serendipity and connections into your life. Literally no downside
AJ Jacobs "Thanks a Thousand" is a book based on this gratitude. A good start is his episode on the Tim Ferriss show: https://tim.blog/2018/11/05/a-j-jacobs/
I've been surprised through the years by how many people in my life turned out to be recovering alcoholics. It's not a part of people's lives that they're generally eager to share with students, coworkers or mentees.
If someone had a positive impact on you just tell them when you meet in person. If you are really intent on contacting them for whatever reason, then a personal letter might be better.
Maybe I just don't feel people are being weird/creepy when they thank me for the effort I've put into things?
Re: "email is impersonal". To me, it's not. But then... I use a lot of emoticons and similar, to help convey things better than "impersonally". :D
That's good to hear, but what else do you expect them to say? You put them on the spot and I suspect 99% of the people would be polite.
> Maybe I just don't feel people are being weird/creepy when they thank me for the effort I've put into things?
If you didn't think it was weird/creepy, why are you here trying to get validation? I suspect deep down you know it is a bit weird and that's why you are seeking validation here. Or this is just another of those manipulative social engineering ploys you see all over social media.
> Re: "email is impersonal". To me, it's not. But then... I use a lot of emoticons and similar, to help convey things better than "impersonally". :D
That would come off as even creepier unless you are contacting family/friends. And if you are contacting family/friends, why not tell them in person when you meet them? And if it is just business acquaintances who helped you out, emails full of emoticons would come off as silly and unprofessional. But then again, I'm one of those ancient former 90s kids.
I also love that with these types of self-validation posts, only validating comments we know deep down are not true are upvoted, but the reality based critical comments we know deep down are true get downvoted. But whatever the agenda was in regards to your post, I hope you got what you wanted out of it.
Did you read too fast or something? I'm talking about people who's emailed me out of the blue.
> If you didn't think it was weird/creepy, why are you here trying to get validation?
Huh? What are you even talking about?
What "trying to get validation"?
I was saying that people who've emailed me don't come across as weird of creepy.
Not sure where you're getting the rest of your ... [I don't even know what to call that] from. It sounds like you're trying to put people down. It's weird.
> That would come off as even creepier unless you are contacting family/friends.
Heh Heh Heh. Well, that explains a few things. You don't seem to understand how to communicate via text, and seem to misinterpret things in bizarre ways, and/or put people down.
Good luck with that. ;)
> ... why not tell them in person when you meet them?
Meet who?
The vast majority of people I communicate with are not people I've ever met in person, not are likely to.
Distributed teams are a thing. ;)
Sounds like your life is lived very differently, and you just can't relate. No worries. ;)
Sorry, I did.
> Huh? What are you even talking about?
Your post. The purpose of your post. If you didn't think it was weird, why would you seek validation here?
> You don't seem to understand how to communicate via text, and seem to misinterpret things in bizarre ways, and/or put people down.
Text? I thought you said email?
> Meet who?
I was very specific in my comment.
> Distributed teams are a thing. ;)
Oh you didn't mention people you were currently working with. Your post made it seem like just random people in your past. Of course thanking people you work with for their help and contribution is normal and appreciated.
> Sounds like your life is lived very differently, and you just can't relate. No worries. ;)
Maybe. If it works, just keep doing you. Why even bother seeking validation?
If people are contacting you out of the blue and you are contacting people out of the blue, then it's a norm for you so why bother asking here? Seems strange, that's all.
justinclift isn't the one who asked the question...he was just replying to you that his experience is different.
I looked up and thanked a programmer who came after school for a computer club. He helped a lot in getting me into computing.
I got the feeling he was thinking I was after a job. I wasn't - I was employed as a dev. It was purely because I was grateful.
Many people are suspicious of those that come out of the woodwork to contact them.
However this is a good point, thanks! I believe it is a good idea to slightly mention in the email that you are not looking after anything.
A good example is Karabiner-Elements, a keyboard remapper for macOS. The author and his team has been making sure that it works with every yearly update.
I've sent him a thank-you note, and now follow up yearly with a donation.
https://github.com/pqrs-org/Karabiner-Elements
He wrote me back, and was very gracious.
This is what it means to be human. Well done!