Ask HN: If you had to choose, would it be your startup or significant other?

I haven't but I think everything has a reason. If you're really passionate about this idea than keep pushing.

This is very related to a work/life balance discussion HN had recently: http://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=2386235

I had more to say, but it got long. Expect a blog post in future.

Relationships are hardly written in stone. Take the time to understand your feelings and talk to you ex. If you can't get to an understanding then is likely that the problems between you two go deeper than you think.

Startup.

After two failed startups, my fiance later wife has let's say "become very wary" of new projects.

And that sucks. But, I wouldn't trade her (or our kids) for all the money in the world so the choice is easy.

That said, I have two active projects and at the moment and I'm treading very, very lightly with them. My plan is to remain stealth (from her) until/unless I get traction and then that would put me in a better position to further negotiate ala time commitments, etc. :)

Finding someone you really like is not easy and may not happen again.

Pushing for more efficiency may help. Some tips:

1. Rid as much of time-wasters as possible. Ditch your tv, game set, etc. Avoid reading too much news, forums, etc.

2. Be more time-conscious with your activities, i.e., don't stray. E.g., reading is good but be selective. I've seen some non-startup related topics making getting so much upvotes even on Hacker News. E.g., debating to get feedback is good but debating to win is not.

Should be possible to do both. Mark Zuckerberg has had the same girlfriend for 7 years.

It's an extremely tough spot to be in if your significant other isn't the type who understands or is willing to put up with startup life (mostly the lack of time for each other). While it can work, often it doesn't.

I've been down this road quite a few times. To me, it really is more of a matter of asking is this person right for me if our lifestyle choices conflict. So in essense, the startup almost always win.

If you have any doubt about this, resolve it before you have kids with your significant other.

Your SO is (presumably) an adult who is in a voluntary relationship with you and knew your personality before getting serious with you.

Kids, on the other hand, don't get to chose their parents. Don't make 'em unless you've got the time and ability to be a parent to them.

Well i think you need to adjust your routine. I think both startup and relationship are equally important and you have to manage accordingly. Relationship stands on top of understanding and i think you both should understand each other. If your girl understands you and you do the same then i dont think it wont be any problem.

Good luck.

I had to choose, and though in retrospect it would've never worked long-term, I still regret that I told her that my work is more important than her. The relationship was never the same after that, and I wish I had the wits to hold my tongue. Ah, some things, you learn the hard way :). My advice would be this: let them choose. If you still like that person, just maintain that stance.

During the .com days I worked day and night. I worked through christmas, thanksgiving, new years and valentines day of 99 and 2000. I was engaged, but between that and all the travel I had to do, my relationship didnt last. At that time I made an explicit decision to sacrifice everything for work. These days I wouldn't make that tradeoff but my wife also knows I can easily work 18 hour days for weeks (or travel) and is willing to deal with it because we have a nice life (she doesn't have to work). Even when I don't work that much I'm usually reading from the time I get home until I go to sleep so she is used to not getting attention all the time.

The only right thing is to choose yourself.

I regularly neglect my side projects for my wife & kids, so I guess my SO. I don't regret a second of it, either.

It would probably be different if I were younger and just dating.

I'd choose my wife if I really had to. Fortunately I've been able to make it work pretty well. I spend almost all my non-startup time with her, which is why it works I think.

This is a question that usually resolves itself.

If your SO went into a relationship with someone who he/she knew was extremely passionate about building things, and they somehow expected this to "change", they are delusional, dishonest, or both.

Did you really want to spend the rest of your life with a delusional, dishonest, controlling individual anyway?

Yeah, didn't think so. In this event, you move on and find someone who doesn't try to hamstring your dreams and crush your soul. They do exist, and your life will be richer for it.

It all comes down to your values and what is important. Personally, I wouldn't trade my girl for anything, but I'm the type that values family/relationship above all else. If you get your happiness through your work, then focus on your start-up. There is no right or wrong answer, it would be worse if you felt pressured to choose your SO then have some ill feelings towards them because you feel like they keep you from the things you truly enjoy.

If my SO couldn't deal with my startup life, I wouldn't wait for him to pack his bags, I'd already be gone. He knows I love him fiercly, but somethings in this world are worth fighting for - my hapiness being one of them.

Been married 5 years, and I regularly neglect my husband for side projects, and he knows it :) It's never to the point where we never spend time together but he understands where my head is at, and he supports me.

Those of us with a truly entrepreneurial spirit cannot run from who we are. And to lie to oneself in order to save a relationship will not work in the long run, because in the end, the truth will come out. If your SO can't deal with your startup fever, then of course, try your best to compromise so that you can still have both (if possible). But if you find yourself having to choose between the two and you choose your SO, but your passion really lines in your startup, how happy will you really be in that relationship?

Love is nice and all, but you have to be fuflilled in your life outside your relationships. Don't get me wrong, work is not everything, and probably not the most important thing to many ppl, but if your work drives you to wake up in the morning, then that's saying something profound about your passions and what makes you happy.

Someone who truly loves you, and understands you would never ask you to choose, but they would also never stand in your way either. If that means you can't be together, then that's something you just have to accept and learn from.

I don't want to sound cold, but it depends on your SO and the startup. If your SO is someone you can't live without, then your decision is clear. If your startup is going to make your life so much better, and it's your ultimate passion, but your SO can't accept that, it's time to move on (from the relationship).

Involve your SO in your startup and then you don't have to choose. They don't have to be a co-founder, but maybe they brainstorm ideas with you or help with customer support.