Ask HN: Do kids make you happier?

I think "happier" is kind of vague. It could include being content, joyful, less depressed, amused, and more.

You often won't get #1. Kids can be cruel to parents.

You'll have better luck with #2. Life without kids could seem pretty pointless. I never could imagine that life. What do you do that isn't just empty hedonism?

I spent way too much time looking at what I was losing, rather than on what I was gaining. It's a waste, and it makes you miserable. Don't do that.

This also seems to miss is the journey. Raising children is a challenging, varied, rollercoaster experience. It's nearly impossible to go through it without growing tremendously as a person. In most cases, kids will help you become a better version of yourself.

Being a parent is an major commitment for the rest of your life. Many people think it is an 18 year commitment. That’s just the start. Many of your most important contributions as a parent will take place after your child is already a legal adult. The same is true for many of your most rewarding moments.

The decision to have a child should not be, “Will a child make me happier?” It should be, “Am I ready to put someone else’s needs before my wants for a significant portion of the rest of my life?”

The part about kids starts here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BwQFSc9mHyA&t=770

Kids are orders of magnitude more in all sorts of ways. Kids give the opportunity to learn so much about the world and yourself. They are so much work. They're also individuals.

thinking about kids in the context of benefits, proportioned relationships, and happiness probably means that you don't really want them. At least it means that you have a lot more thinking to do.

If you have more thinking to do, I would suggest talking to friends who are parents. Also babysitting or teaching at multiple ages.

Another thing, there is no guarantee you will feel a connection with your kid, especially as a male. It took about a month and a half before I felt a connection and it was incredibly hard to get up late at night with a screaming baby that meant nothing to me. There were times I wanted to just open the window and throw him out. From the reading I did, there are men who have not even felt a connection after 5 years. Could you imagine having to take care of a child who you feel nothing for? That doesn't sound like happiness to me.

Like others have said, it looks like you are looking more so for a pet than a child. Though, if you would be up for it I am sure there are mentoring programs (such as Big Brothers Big Sisters program) where you could have a meaningful impact on a child's life with the ability to walk away if it isn't for you.

But no, that's not it. Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs add another model - humans need love, a sense of belonging, esteem, and self-actualisation. A cat/dog will give the first three, a career gives the last. Being loved is nice, but honestly I feel like you get more love from a spouse than from kids (death mourning lengths of child vs widow reflects this). So that's not entirely it.

I think it's simply that we're happier giving than taking. Maybe it's more fun to give gifts than receive them. It's more fun feeding a child than being fed. It's also the joys of teaching, where you're imparting information to someone and happy when they do something with it.

My happiest times are lying in bed, looking at my phone, together with my 2 year old who's also looking at her phone. This doesn't seem like anyone's idea of happiness, but it works for me.

It's easy to live life in our society where we are the center of our own universe. Having a child disrupts this notion quite radically. Your life is still your own but now a child is affected by what actions you take. So you now have a responsibility to this other human being. Every person handles this responsibility differently. One way to look at this responsibility is transactional. I think your two points fall into this category.

Another way to handle this responsibility is to understand that child is now dependent on you and is an extension of you in every way. They will grow up to be become their own but you played a significant part in bringing them into this world and have a significant role in shaping them. Their happiness is your happiness and your happiness is their happiness. And unfortunately, sometimes it's the deepest unhappiness and tragedy that any human can face. I consider anyone that has healthy children with being greatly blessed.

So to answer your question, yes, kids can make you extremely happy and kids can also make you extremely miserable. Where you land on this depends on so many factors,some that are in your control and others that are not.

One thing I will say is that we can choose to be a parent but we don't choose our children. They can be born healthy or extremely unhealthy with a terminal disease, or other medical conditions. It's a gamble. Raising a healthy child will certainly have a higher chance of being happier. Raising an unhealthy child would certainly be in the range of unhappiness to abject grief.

I speak from personal experience but I can say that a relationship with a child isn't the same as other loving relationships in ones life. I don't know how to articulate this but being a father or mother brings out the best in us more so than other relationships. I can say I have experienced a fuller life as a result of being a parent (with measures of happiness and unhappiness). I am more human as a result of being a parent.

I have a kid (6yo), I have definitely found a lot of my happiness in being her father, but I see it as a giant responsibility first.

Like, it is amazing, and I see I get, as you'd say a lot of benefits, but the lens you view it seems weirdly side-ways.

Counter point, the fewer loving relationship and purpose you have in life, the harder is to raise your child, the more loving relationships and purpose you have in life, the easier and more rewarding it can be.

(Counter-counter point, yes, you can have many loving relationships and great purpose and goals in life that would be anathema to raising a child)

I'd say, go talk to your friends that already are parents? This seems to be one of those conversations that deserve full attention of a in-person conversation.

For me, it's the former where the child will bring me more/higher purpose to my life.

I am a father to a 1yr. I've never felt (never having a pet) unconditional love. My boy (currently ;-) does not care how much I have or make, what I look like or my personality outside of not mistreating him. In return, he gives me a look, a hug, and a kiss that is undeniable unconditional love. My wife's look, hug and kiss are "conditional." ;-)

Before going any further, let me preface with my thoughts about family; I've never experienced a family. I grew up in a broken one where I was physically abused and I ran away at 18. Before having my child in my 40's, I did not want to be a father incase I became what my father was.....resentful, hate filled, neglecting asswipe. Having grown up in that environment, I wanted to make a difference to children who may be in the same or worse situation. So I volunteered to became Big Brother to 3 fatherless boys in my 20's. I grew up...fast. Kids are special and found out just being there for them is good enough to make you Superman. That's all it took. No need to lecture or do psycho analysis to make the "better", but instead just being there was all they needed. PS> the 3 boys became my grooms men.

Does my child make me happier? yes and no. Happiness with a child is a weighted question. Does my child make me happy? yes. Does he make me happier? difficult to answer but I lean towards no.

I think the answers to your question will be weighted by: what age you had the child, where are you in your career, are you happy with yourself and your life, do you love your wife and extended family? Will your child be a trophy you craft or someone you mentor allowing them to grow based on your influences?

Am I happy right this minute? Well, it's 2am, I just got finished cleaning his playarea of dried up breast milk and food, cleaned all of his bottles and toys, prepared meals for him for next few days and to top all that off, he just woke up crying in the middle unexpectedly. No reason why. FYI I'm a fulltime dad.

Is the happiness so strong it can overcome the hardship of doing something that doesn't come with instructions? this very minute; no. Tomorrow morning when he wakes up cooing at you? yes.

Lastly.. omg. Can't wait for him to turn at least 5 if not 7ish for this first Disney World trip and start on the Star Wars series of films :) Having high expectations that he will like the same...I'm over the moon about my potential happiness. I can only hope but never force. He needs to lead the way to his happiness...not mine.

Happier, not sure. I think its gives higher highs and lower lows to life whist becoming more content with it all, though maybe the latter is age.

More content I think. More purpose to many things.

I think they have helped my partner and I settle down more. Enjoy a quieter and a simpler life.

They add meaning to things.

Definitely more tired and time poor.

I've said before kids are 70/30 in good bad they bring to our life.

If I was doing over, I would start earlier and have more.

Also I don't have a purpose based on parenting. I am just happy to be around them and try to be a good parent. It is nice to share things that I wish I had known from young age. Things that help you deal with life but are never taught.

Also I feel other relationships do not compensate the love we give and get from our children. It is very unique.

All being said I think it is good to be open minded about expectations. Children are unique and the relationship may flourish or take a sour turn depending on circumstances.

On whether one decides to have kids or not, I think there are no wrong decisions here.

Children made me more miserable than I ever thought I'd be.

Children broke up the most important relationship I've ever had.

Children give me the strength to carry on, and improve myself.

My dad recently asked if I ever thought about walking out on them. I told him I enjoy the challenge and I appreciate the opportunity.

I often wavered and thought, I'm cool not having kids. Now that I have them, it's a totally different thing.

You become someone completely different. You live for nothing else but seeing what new cute thing your kid does today. The other day my 1.5 year old took his sock off and said "I did IT!" in a partial squeal. Cutest fucking thing I ever saw.

Sometimes they make your life a living hell, but you get to see them make choices, and decisions and in a way you get to live your life again through them.

When our first was born, I had deep bouts of depression. The only thing that could bring me out of them was just cuddling with him on the couch. You look down at this little guy who needs you for everything, and its hard to be selfish and think of self-harm. I got therapy and stuff, and found out i had ADHD and my lack of focus was causing my depression. Been better ever since, even lost 90 pounds.

Lots of people probably feel the opposite that kids hold them back, but some people just aren't meant to have kids. Some people are so mad that schools are closed because they have no clue how to be a parent and be with their kids extra time (the ones who were already homemakers or stay-at-home or had the money to afford to, not the ones who need schools for childcare to work).

I mean a lot of people try to spend as little time w/ their kids during the week as possible and do a family activity on Saturday and that's that. So, it's definitely a tough decision. Like I said, I wasn't really sure anymore, esp w/ my depression and stuff, but wife insisted so I kept signing the paperwork and paying the bills. Now, I'd not change a thing and can't imagine what I'd do without my two little boys. I get teary eyed with parent/child bonding crap now, and songs about fatherhood like Fade in / Fade out. It really messes up your sentimentality switches in the head.