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Ask HN: Finding the Girlfriend a Career?

9 points by jdavid ↗ HN
I am a software engineer who likes working in the fast pace software startup world, and somewhere along the way I meet this amazing gal.

The problem is that she has asked me to help her, but it's hard to help a gal who does not know what she wants to do, or what the right thing to do is. She only really knows that she doesn't want to keep working at her retail job any longer.

She like many who graduated in 2008 has found it hard to enter the work force and has been working at her college retail job since. She has moved through the ranks at the store, and I have already suggested applying internally to corporate to try out some other career with the company. I thought she might have a better chance with a company that loves her already.

The hardest challenge is in providing support and help without doing things for her. In other relationships I have found too much help in this area just drives you apart, and I don't want to come to a point of constant tension on the issue. I would like to either help or listen, but doing both, when she does not follow up on advice is driving me nutz.

What advice can you offer a guy who is trying to help is amazing gf find her professional interest while she has a full time job she has become fully dissatisfied with. Mostly because it's not that mentally stimulating.

She is also considering grad school, but I worry that is not the best use of time/ money if she is not sure what she wants to do. School is a very non-profitable way to find one self.

She has natural talents with language, writing, and conversation. She does not want to sell people things.

Again, any advice would be grand.

18 comments

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beaumartinez
> I would like to either help or listen, but doing both, when she does not follow up on advice is driving me nuts.

So she doesn't follow up on your advice? I get the impression she might be looking for an easy way out.

What you ask is, as they say in Spanish, "la pregunta del millón" (the million dollar question).

Although I don't have any career advice for you, personally, I wouldn't stress over this kind of situation. If there really isn't anything (immediate) that you can do, be honest and tell her that you can't help her.

"If you don't know where you're going, any road will take you there."

hansy
Tell her to start a blog. Tell her to do it not for the money, but to explore her interests through her writing. You'd be surprised how much people find out about themselves just through the simple task of writing down their thoughts.

She might have to work at the retail place for the time being until she finds her calling (for money).

I guess she could also seek career advice from professionals. It might be worth trying just to get an initial bearing.

salemh
Could also lead her to PR, event coordination, copy writing / editing (based on her "natural" talents of writing, conversation, etc.)

If she has any interest in a particular industry, find 10 companies. Cold call those 10 companies for an entry level position.

Rinse, repeat 10x companies in 10x industries. Leg work = results.

jdavid
Yes, as an entrepreneur who is comfortable with rejection, I have recommended trying this. I think for now she needs something with a lower rejection rate.
jdavid
She has considered starting a blog, I will see if she is up for directing it in this way.
abbasmehdi
I think she is asking you to help take the pressure off her. She feels pressure to do something and is panicking.

Tell her she doesn't have to do anything at all and that's ok, or can do anything she wants, ANYTHING - nothing is out of reach!! Bring her to a place where she starts to think she does not need the money or societal approval, all is needs is to find and follow her true passion. She will herself come up with the ideas that honestly you can't think of in a 100 years, and your job then would be to facilitate her ideas into reality.

jdavid
On this line of thought, she sees my that my friends are successful and as a gal with a healthy sense of competition wants to live up to her ability.

Also, being an entrepreneur and taking risks and being bold about my direction inadvertently put's pressure on her to do what her calling is.

abbasmehdi
IMO the first step towards happiness, fulfillment and eventual prosperity is dropping out of the rat race and being true to oneself. Everybody wants to but very few can.

Why does she think your friends are successful, because they're rich, or because they've found their passion and to them work feels like pleasure/recreation? Would she consider them successful if they hated their work but made twice as much? Or if they loved what they did but were making just enough to get by?

jdavid
no, this is not a money thing. it's because they are doing something in their field of passion.
petervandijck
Most likely she just wants you to listen to her :)
baremetal
It is like the masters say, there has never been one who has sought and not found.
jdavid
great quote thank you.
starter
Yeah, what the rest said. I personally suggest some type of small, on-the-side Startup like a community centric site on something she's passionate about. Gals seem to be better than guys at adding value to people. Think Kiva.org or SlideShare.
PonyGumbo
As an old married dude, my advice would be to be a supportive and encouraging partner, and not to try to solve this problem for her. When she asks for help, ask her what interests her. If she doesn't know the answer to that question, suggest that she take some time to think about it. It's not your problem to solve. Just be supportive.
jnorthrop
You took the words right out from under me -- although you said it better. I was going to more directly recommend not making specific career suggestions and expecting her to chose from among them. That method/approach will drive you two apart.
jdavid
One suggestion was to just try different jobs till you like one, or at least know what you don't like.

One day she would like to be a writer and I figure that might be a bit like Mark Twains life, who had a number of jobs till he found his calling later in life writing. She could just be such a person. I think Jack London received such advice too. She is amazing with words in various languages.

theitgirl
Whenever I discuss a problem that I am having with my husband, he gives me very specific advice on what I should do. About 90% of the time I don't listen to his advice and he gets upset about it and thinks that I don't value his opinion.

So, why don't I take his advice? Because I wasn't asking him to tell me what to do. I just want him to listen to me. I know what I need to do to solve my problem. It just makes me feel better to talk about the problem out loud :)

My advice: Your girlfriend will figure it out by herself. Just be there for her.

jdavid
My fear is that she will go to grad school just to leave the working world, and in 3 years will finish grad school and have the same problem. I knew what I wanted to do when I was a kid. So it made every decision since then easy.

I feel like grad school is just a way to put off the realities of the world.