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I would add:

    The Lisp hat: basically a yarmulke; i.e. a ) on your 
    head.
The Ruby hat is very short and made of pleated tartan. On top it has tentacles.
I'd say that the COBOL hat would be one of those thin-brimmed fedoras from the 60's, but that's just too cool for COBOL. COBOL doesn't get a hat that was worn by Frank Sinatra.
Perhaps COBOL can get a straw boater?
If I read another article of the form "If language X were a Y, it'd have property Z", I might throw myself off of a bridge.
If programming languages were hacker news comments this one would be common lisp.
Humorless, unappealing, but hard to disagree with?
concise, functional
Contains just about everything, so I don't have to come up with a specific justification for the comparison. ;-)
A true gem from the comments thread on the article:

"The PHP Hat: Designed to fit on your head, but actually only fits on your knee."

Nah the PHP hat is an ugly beanie knitted by your gran that keeps your head really warm. But isn't totally comfortable.
There's a comment on the article complaining about the hate for Perl -- I agree with its sentiment but not the way it characterizes so-called "brain damaged" people.

Modern Perl is really a very different language than what people tend to think of when they hear the word "Perl". It has a real OO layer (Moose), a mature set of web frameworks (Plack), and generally-accepted best practices that ensure code is just as readable and maintainable as Python or Ruby.

If all you know of Perl is hacky one-liners for munging logfiles, skim a copy of the book Modern Perl: http://onyxneon.com/books/modern_perl/index.html . You might just learn something.

I know. I actually keep meaning to properly learn perl (I can just about read it and don't really bother using it for one liners as I tend to find joe-random-scripting language + sedawk cover enough bases).

But when one prefaces a post with "You know what we haven’t had in a while? An irritating but catchy meme in which we shallowly compare programming languages based on superficial characteristics. Those are awesome" people who take it seriously deserve what they get :-)

The fact that Perl's OO "layer" has a name isn't very reassuring, even if it is a nice solid name like "Moose."