Ask HN: How to Speak Confidently?
How do I learn to speak confidently in a group setting ? Sometimes when I start speaking and if people are silent or if I can not read their expressions, I start loosing confidence. If someone interruptus and start asking questions or criticizing, I loose my train of thought and start second guessing my ideas and opinions. I start to avoid participating or stop presenting my ideas. This is stopping me from growing in to a good engineer. How do I get better ?
111 comments
[ 2.9 ms ] story [ 193 ms ] thread1. Practice. It sounds trite to say, but it's true... like most things, you get better with repeated effort. Luckily it's relatively easy to find / create opportunities to speak in group settings. Well... at least it was pre-pandemic. And will be again once more meatspace meetups and other events resume. But anyway, my point was going to be that many meetups and user groups and similar orgs are always looking for presenters. I've personally gotten a lot of mileage out of volunteering to speak at my local Java User's Group, Linux User's Group, etc. There are also organizations like Toastmasters which exist to give people opportunities to speak in a somewhat "safe" environment and receive constructive feedback.
2. When it comes to presenting, I find this approach valuable: do not write a "speech" or anything that you expect to recite word for word. This isn't like middle school where you have to memorize the Gettysburg Address and recite it perfectly and you get "dinged" if even one word is wrong. When you are presenting, whatever you say is correct by definition (it may be "factually incorrect", but it's "correct" in the sense that it's what you wanted to say and nobody can tell you that you "got a word wrong"). I believe strongly in focus on KNOW YOUR SHIT STONE COLD, rehearse your presentation mentally many, many times ahead of time, but focusing on the broad themes and concepts not trying to remember a specific sequence of words. What I mean by "know your shit stone cold" is, know your stuff down to first principles, where you can just start talking and explain the topic off the cuff with no preparation and no pre-arranged "speech".
3. Corollary to the above: if you use slides, do NOT read the slides to your audience. It's a waste of time: they can read, and they can read faster than you can talk. Treat the slides as nothing more than notes to yourself to remind you what you want to talk about. I can't emphasize this enough: do not, not, not try to repeat the exact words on the slides, either from memory OR by reading off the slide. Glance at it, remind yourself what point you want to make, and then just talk.
4. Further corollary to the above: despite what I said about "know your shit stone cold", I didn't mean "know every possible detail". What I really mean is something like "Have a solid conceptual understanding and know the fundamental principles that underlie whatever you're talking about." If there's a specific detail or something that you don't know, and somebody asks a question just say "I don't know. I can check up on that and get back to you later."
5. Regarding questions and comments that distract you: I've found that in every talk or presentation there is always that one person who asks some irrelevant / tangential / absurd question that has little or nothing to do with what you're talking about, and will not advance the present discussion. Why do they do it? Who knows... probably just to gratify their ego and to show off how smart they are. In either case, I think the best strategy is to "acknowledge, deflect, and ignore." That is, say something like "That's a great question, and I'd love to get into it, but that's outside the scope of the current talk. Now, as I was saying..."
6. I don't do the whole "imagine your audience naked" thing or any weird tricks like that, but I do encourage you to remind yourself repeatedly that your audience are just people... people like you. Except probably not as smart as you. Or not as informed on the topic you're talking about. Because if they were, they would be the one...
"What about X?" "Oh, that's actually going to be discussed in a few minutes." "What about Y?" "That's a good question but beyond the scope of this presentation, we can talk about that at the end if you'd like." "What about Z?" "Well, with Z ..."
But the critical thing is you only give them a chance to ask a question, and make that the format. Don't open it up to random side thoughts because then they will take over, "Well, actually with Foobar 3.0..." You've lost control at that point. If it's going to turn into a conversation between you and the person and will derail the presentation, move it to the end of the presentation.
Luckily I haven't encountered this often. And on at least one or two occasions, when something like this has happened, it's actually been a positive in that the person was adding useful information that complemented what I was already saying. In that case, I don't mind letting them go on for a minute or two.
That said, at some point you have to take back over if you're going to get through your material. It's not in my nature to generally be rude or brusque with people, but sometimes you may have to force the issue a little. You might choose to intentionally wear a wristwatch just so you can do the gambit of "conspicuously look at your watch, and then interrupt and say something like 'OK, in the interest of time we need to get back to the main thread now. Perhaps we can have a follow-up conversation later on XYZ.'"
A common interjection as well is something like "This is good stuff, but we're getting a bit off-topic. If you want to talk about that in more detail, grab me after the talk and we can chat." Something like that.
* Keep any slides simple. If you find yourself reading a complete sentence from a slide, you probably have too much text on the slide. The slides aren't there to tell you what to say, they're there to remind you the correct order in which you're organizing your thoughts. If you read from a slide, everyone will know that you're reading from a slide, and it looks silly and makes the crowd disengage. They'll just start reading the slides themselves and ignore you.
* Try to practice forcing yourself not to fill dead space with "um" or "uh". It feels awkward to silently pause for a thought, but you will sound smarter and more prepared if you pause than if you use a filler. It seems counterintuitive, but it works.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Toastmasters_International
Would you mind sharing a couple of key insights that you learnt there?
Thanks ^_^
* Organization -- learning how to center a speech around a topic with 2-3 supporting points.
* Brevity -- the 3 min time limit is hard to adhere to, and it takes practice. Which leads to...
* Practice -- practicing giving speeches, speaking extemporaneously, standing in front of others... all incredibly valuable.
* Handling criticism -- criticism is built into the process. After you give a speech, someone else follows up with a critique. Which may seem incredibly frightening at first, but normalizing it and making it part of the process in this manner is incredibly powerful and confidence/resilience boosting. (Plus, in my experience, people are quite positive and uplifting in their critiques.)
Beyond any specific insights or ideas that I learned, I think it's the overall process that's the magic. It builds confidence that extends beyond formal public speaking and impacts your everyday interactions as well.
[1] I wish I had stuck with it longer. I moved and never found a new group to join. This thread reminds me that I should look for one again!
There might be videos on YouTube. Failed interviews are also good and the same goes for dating. You pretty much need to learn rejection isn’t the end of the world. Once that clicks, you’ll be less affected by ‘I wonder how this is going’.
In fact, call up a restaurant right now and pitch a fake delivery app service. Do stuff like that a few times and I promise you will never care what anyone thinks about you ever again.
To improve your belief in your ability, practice helps. But there are a bunch of other psychological tricks you can try, just gotta find one that works for you. Like imagine no one is wearing clothes or other things. Personally, I'm a fan of finding a low stakes situation and just absolutely bombing it, doing so bad it's embarassing. Then I know how people start reacting as it gets worse and I can use that as a landmark in a situation where it actually matters
There are lots of rehearsals before an audience is subjected to your acting, singing, humour.
There are Theatre-Sports style games to warm you up.
And being on stage, Projection really build the confidence speaking to crowds
The combination is not rare: Many people who have social anxiety find that “structured/directed” interactions with other people--like selling something, making a decision in a meeting with colleagues, or giving a presentation--are less terrifying than unstructured/directionless conversations, because it’s a lot easier to learn standard patterns, and the audience has a certain tolerance for prepared presentations and conversations.
Others will go into the details of how to get better, e.g. mindcrime’s excellent comment:
https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=26807762
Cycling great Greg Lemond said, “It doesn’t get easier, you just get faster.”
I have found the same thing about speaking confidently in meetings and presentations: “It doesn’t get easier, you just get better.”
For me, it is still a struggle, but the evidence that I’m getting better at it is the motivation I need to step onto the stage or to raise my hand to contribute to a meeting.
My best wishes to you.
When I do a presentation I don't feel much anxiety but unstructured conversation is still a nightmare. Especially considering I enjoy darker humor so I feel like I'm constantly on edge so that I don't accidentally say something offensive.
Seconding Toastmasters
It’s about training the right habits.
Reduce focus on the setting, increase focus on the ideas.
Think less of the people you're talking to, as you're almost guaranteed to be overvaluing their potential opinions and undervaluing your own. That imbalance - to the extent it exists out of proper alignment - can be a large reservoir of anxiety.
Based on what you're describing, you're almost immediately overvaluing the mere potential opinions of others, before they even exist (prior to their expression). I assume this means you have a strong need for approval, which isn't an easy thing to reduce. I would remind yourself that there are many ways to achieve approval, including by intellectually stomping your opponent in a debate of ideas. Again, that's where debate clubs are very useful to building up that perspective, you get to see that there are other ways to get a positive outcome rather than acquiescing to the opinions of others. People can like you for many reasons; being liked for being weak isn't a positive (and people that like you for being weak and deferring to them, are monsters to not be respected); being liked for intellectual fortitude is a positive; you can have either outcome, but only one of those is good.
Conveying ideas for influence requires practice TBH. Sometimes it hovers into the sales world. You are going to get a no. That's ok. That means your pitch needs work. Your scenario I say your pitch approach might need more thought. As shared below, ideas simply need more capital. Can you share examples that work. Can you address concerns. Can you express the idea using different language. Sometimes the best way to grow here is to get feedback right away. How was my last idea received? Do you know what was missing to make it more effective?
That's all I have for now. You will do great!
I also recommend writing down your ideas. When you lose your train of thought you can refer back to what is written down.
Ask for help - tell the group you've lost your train of thought and ask what was the last thing you said. People do not want to see you fail, they will help you.
Acknowledge it is okay if you don't sound confident. It's only important to communicate what you aimed to communicate. Focus on that rather than what you sound like.
If you organized the meeting or presentation, send an agenda or materials in advance. Look for feedback in advance. Send followups to your information sharing. Summaries and further info. All this can be done in chat/email.
I guarantee that if you do these few things you will feel better within a month.
Did you read the book? What did you get from it? Assuming you don't consider yourself an introvert, how did you come to the conclusion it is snake oil for introverts?
Public speaking is not something everyone has to do or has to enjoy. Is public speaking mandatory for an artist, a carpenter, a small business owner, a kindergarten teacher, a nurse, a fireman, an accountant? (No is the answer). Not everyone needs to do a Ted Talk :)
If you think that introverts don't leave their "damn room" you have a misunderstanding of what you're discussing.
I call it snake oil because it sells this idea that introverts are just misunderstood and not listened to enough because of their introspective nature. Well, if they want anyone to listen to them, they have to learn how to convey a message meaningful enough and with cultural/social tact that can only be earned through experiences with other people. Being an introvert will not garner you that.
It's not just "introverts need to leave their damn room" it's "if introverts wanna be heard, they need to become extroverts because they do not have the average social/emotional intelligence that extroverts do." The reason I say this is because there are a myriad of socialites with 0 skills whatsoever yet they hold a greater reach and clout than even the smartest programmer who just sits in his house all day coding. Why? Because they have people who will vouch for what they'll say. "Actions not words" certainly holds merit, but if you got 1,000 people who can vouch for you or are willing to lie on your behalf, it holds greater sway in human society than you being capable of maintaining the most complex and incredible code bases.
I used to think and act the same way. I'd never talk, I kept to myself, and didn't feel the need to talk about frivolous things. Then I realized I had no friends.
In my experience, there's a series of beats that work in group settings, and the most effective speakers, in terms of making contributions and influencing the discussion, tend to interject with shorter contributions. There are times to craft expansive, descriptive stories, but often, a good contribution is a short, clear one.
When I was in HS, I joined debate club, where we spoke for 5-10 minutes at a time in front of anywhere from 5-20 club friends or opponents. When you do this repeatedly, for most people, your anxiety and nerves eventually go away, and it's just "what you do" now.
The same was true of musical performance: I hated performing until I did it about 50 times. Then I got comfortable and my average performance was no big deal.
Another idea: which language are you native in, and which are you using to speak confidently? If it's not your primary, that could be part of it. There's also focus-related disorders, if you have ADHD or similar, then your symptoms would make sense.
My Pet Peeve: Some people will interrupt others conversationally, and it's not nice. Conversation should be back/forth, not interrupting. You can always say "Let me finish my thought first". You can also have default responses to buy time: "Thank you, that's a great question" gives them a nice compliment and buys you 5 seconds to think.
And questions are a GOOD thing: they force you to really know the pitfalls, the details, and the trade-offs of your engineering strategy. People aren't trying to "getcha" and one-up you, they're trying to improve your approach, that's great for you if you can handle it emotionally :)
Good luck, you'll do well!!
I'm not really a social type but at some point in the last few years and after enough repetitions, when people asked me what my company does, my response had gone from "I... uh... controls... hydraulics?" to "we provide a bolt-on control system for fixed plant hydraulic booms which integrates guarding, automation and remote operation capabilities."
Also the point on questions is spot on, nobody asks questions about your tech unless they're interested. If you're worried about a client question being a "gotchya" then rethink your premise until you can't think of any easy gotchyas.
Also, don't be afraid to speak slowly, and to have gaps when you aren't speaking. It doesn't make you look like an idiot or make people interrupt you - instead, it makes it easier for people to hear what you're saying, and it makes it sound like you are saying something well thought through (and it gives you time to think it through too).
Also, get someone to video you giving a presentation or speaking about something. Then go over that video with them, and ask them to point out any annoying things that you should stop doing and useful things to start doing. Practice that, over and over.
At the cost of potentially appearing insincere, since (in my experience) that's usually what the corporate talking head will say just before trying very hard not to answer a question. YMMV.
It's not about what you say, it's about what you do.
A game we played in debate was where a person had to talk about something in front of a group without saying any "ums". If you said "um", your friends got to throw soft items (wadded up paper, plush toys) at you. It cures "umming" in seconds.
But great speakers
Use many significant pauses.
It's also important to realize that you don't need to buy time as much as you think you do. When in the spotlight, people tend to think they need to react quickly under penalty of seeming insecure. It's false. You can take a few seconds to prepare an answer and it still seems natural, even projecting an aura of confidence.
If you need more time than normal to prepare an answer, lay out your reasoning as you prepare it. Have some verbal crutches ready. These work well to buy you a dozen seconds:
- "Let me find an example that demonstrates this"
- "How do I explain this without being too technical?"
- "It's a complex issue, let me try to break it down"
I would add that you can take a lot more time than you probably think you can, as long as you "own it" properly. If you get asked a hard question, the audience will probably realize it's a hard question. I would have no problem standing there for 30 seconds or more, saying absolutely nothing in some cases. But I would say the key is to not act anxious, nervous, or scared in that case. Just try to convey the sense that you're a sharp, qualified person, who has just been asked a Really Hard Question and needs time to ponder it.
You can do that by not fidgeting, and by controlled mannerisms: look up and out into space, but in an obviously conscious manner... or chew your bottom lip a little and furrow your brow... or steeple your hands and look at your hands while also having a furrowed brow, etc. There are other ways to communicate what I'm getting at, so just experiment. What you don't want is a "deer in the headlights" look, or that stereotypical "blank expression" that conveys "I have no clue what's going on right now."
The key point is, you don't have to have an immediate answer to every question. Pauses and silence are OK, to a point.
Anyway, here's a thought: make a game out of it. Next time you're speaking in a group setting and this comes up, (when it's a situation where nothing of substance is at stake), try and see how long a pause you can engineer before somebody starts doing the "intentional cough" thing, or says "are you OK?" or whatever. Maybe do it a few times and see what you can work up to. Maybe 30 seconds is a bit more than can be managed. And to be fair, it's probably context / audience dependent to some degree as well.
Smartphones are great conversation killers, lol
I joke it's the Windows 98 hourglass cursor of personal interactions - they can't tell if you're thinking, or have just locked up with no hope of continuing.
Pauses and silence are OK, to a point.
Absolutely. And you will, in almost every case, come across as more intelligent if you're silent while thinking, than if you try to fill space with content-free filler. It can't go on forever, but 20 seconds of silence is far better (and far more useful to put a response together) than 20 seconds of "lips in neutral" noise.
A quick note on the flip side of this - if you want to finish your statements and go back and forth, you also have the obligation IMO to state your idea quickly and simply and not ramble on for 5 full minutes about various sub-aspects of your idea. If you do that, then I think there's no problem interrupting you to say that your initial idea won't work at all or could be done in a much better way.
I say that because I hear people do this a lot, and I have no problem interrupting them if it's warranted.
"just practice" seems trite and over-simplistic, but, it's fundamentally true.
if you can find a partner to work with is always a better way to do it.
Same with big meetings. We are internally preparing some remarks, and when we start talking and others interject, we go off the rails because we're not right there in the moment. It's a tough skill to develop when it doesn't come naturally, but it's powerful.
Something that really helps me is coming prepared (including asking for expected outcome of meeting and an agenda - it's not too much to ask for - beforehand) and making sure the meeting sticks to the agenda. By doing so, I can prepare beforehand with notes, and I also make sure that we stick to what I've prepped for. Hope this helps!
Toastmasters is a super supportive and safe environment. You just have to give yourself a push to sign up for your first speeches and then it’s actually fun and very rewarding.
I would rate toastmasters as one of the top five things I have done to improve my life.
- starting martial arts and then boxing. As a skinny guy it’s nice to know that you can take on most guys even if you never have to do it. This confidence is very helpful even in business situations. Being in shape also helps with the ladies...
- yoga and meditation
- traveling alone through India and other parts of Asia. Once you have survived that there aren’t many situations that feel scary.
1. Don't be afraid of slowing down a conversation especially about engineering. For example, if someone asks you a question about an edge case you may not have considered that's fine. Take a moment to process and then respond. If you immediately blurt out a half understood response I find that usually just ends up digging a deeper hole. When you're answering a question it's your turn to speak, you can take as long as you, reasonably, want to. You can also be upfront about what you know and don't know, noone is the field has a full understanding of everything all the time.
2. I approach conversations like this on a slider. The less you know the more time you should spend listening. Its fine not to give an uninformed opinion, but avoid just not paying attention. Listening in general is underrated and should be most of what you do especially if you're a newer engineer.
3. Most people don't remember 90% of the convos they're a part of. Think about all the presentations/group convos you've been in. Do you remember every detail? Messing up in a conversation isn't the end of the world. Written communication is much harder.
A bit of mental preparation is needed.
Don't be afraid to look at people directly, it is easier to feel what they think this way.
If you're using humor (rarely a bad idea) do not laugh at your own jokes, deadpan humor is much more effective.
Being a parrot rarely works.
And deliciously cringe inducing!
- Maximize emotional variability (feigned surprise, excitement, equanimity, urgency, reflection)
- Maximize tonal variability (high tones, low tones)
- Maximize cadence variability (slow speech, rapid speech, speech with pauses)
- Maximize facial expression variability (raised eyebrows, focused eyes, inviting/warm eye contact)
Basically any axis you can think of: if you increase the variability, it makes your presentation more captivating.
I've found generally that "performing" (that is, being conscious of how I am presenting) makes there feel like there is less pressure on "me" and more on the person doing the performing.
2. I personally find it helpful not to look at people's faces when I'm in the middle of a verbal paragraph. This gives me fewer distractions as I focus on something that can be complex, and doesn't give anyone an 'in' to interrupt (harder to interrupt when the speaker hasn't noticed your finger in the air). Once you get more confidence, you can start looking at people again.
Totally agreed with this. I love that particular bit of phraseology. I use it all the time both in verbal and written forms. I can't be sure, but I suspect that it is a very useful phrase.
In my experience, it's a nice way to state something, but "soften" the statement a little so that it's less likely to invite challenge.
I also like the phrase "In my experience" for similar reasons. It's a way to state something, but it seems to evoke a challenge less often, because who can really challenge your lived experience?
For grins and giggles, I decided to search HN and see how often the "I suspect" phrase is used. Turns out it's quite a lot:
https://hn.algolia.com/?dateRange=all&page=0&prefix=false&qu...
It seems that there are % confidence levels and keeping those in mind, rather than saying everything like you know it for sure, i.e., an aspect of honesty, makes everything easier in the long run.
Edit: and if I just can't agree with what someone is saying, I find it helps to say "that doesn't seem to agree with my personal experience", or "I'm just not seeing it, maybe there's another way you could explain it...?", or ask them friendly questions like walking along beside them in their space, considering what they really want and how they might get it. Or I aspire to be better at doing that. Much more at my site, including about difficult conversations or where the other person is extremely stressed or emotional and I am tired (so vulnerable to saying something I might regret).
Also, one huge thing for me has been that if I think I have a criticism (or other negativity) to offer, to be in the habit of waiting 72 hours before saying it, in which time I usually realize it wasn't important enough to hurt someone, or wasn't the most helpful way to convey something (with some possible exceptions if it is urgent and critical, but then humility can become even more important).
Genuine kindness & honesty really go far.
I found that when I ask people to be specific, sometimes, they are noticeably distressed, or they don't want to talk more, as that is hard for them. I am starting (finally?) to learn that people are more different from each other than we realize. Like that internet meme about a dress where people clearly saw it in different colors from each other. Some just hate text UIs or a CLI, others couldn't be parted from them. Some are naturally good at music, or the arts, or balancing their finances, or being kind, or finding deals, building, putting others at ease, fixing broken things, or wearing matching clothes, or interior decorating, or some of us just have to work really hard to not be awkward in their company. And if I tell a color-blind person to just try harder, they might be hurt, and if someone in the room is unusually kind and wise, they might help me learn not to be a jerk. Like, I sometimes just don't care what color a chair is. But to some, it is actually distressing if it isn't right. Some even feel fear when seeing those who are different, because it is unfamiliar (edit: maybe they subconsciously don't know how to judge the safety of an unknown), etc.
We are all a work in progress in every area I guess, and we have to pick a limited few to get better at, at any given time; some things that come naturally to some people, others don't even know those things exist--it just doesn't hit the radar at all.
So... I am trying to learn to speak their other languages (didn't realize this in my youth), at least sometimes, though it is hard and tiring. And I hope they will be patient with me too.
(Maybe that is partly why God commands us to forgive others, in order to be forgiven. And surely we all need it.)
Edits: occasionally, if someone can't be specific or I can guess it is hard for them, I say like "Probably, it's more than 10 seconds [or 2 dollars, whatever fits], and less than 10 thousand [something very obviously excessive, but not too extreme.] I bet you can come closer than that." Then they actually make a guess that is as good as the situation will likely get, or it leads to more discussion.
It helps if I smile like to indicate that the wild guess is an obvious joke between us and that we are friends about it; then they are more willing to talk a little more and I might learn something.
(And many more things. which is why I have a web site because I can write and people don't have to hear it if they aren't interested.)
Edit: I have found that esperanto and spanish are both easier than Russian, and those are as far as I am going to try now for some time, I expect.
Now onto some advice. I’ll give you 2 tips and ask a question.
Tip 1: Learn to relax. It sounds like you lose confidence when you’re presenting an idea and things start going badly. It’s natural to get flustered and stressed in those situations. But getting stressed out is the worst possible reaction. Your ability to listen and problem solve drop exponentially. Getting stressed is like taking 50 IQ points off.
Practice some basic mindfulness and relaxation techniques. Practice them in quiet moments throughout the day, then when you’ve got the hang of them, start to use them in mildly stressful situations. It might take a while to get good enough at relaxing to be able to actually do it in a high stress situation, but you will get there. And if you can keep your cool when a presentation isn’t going well, you’ll always be the best version of yourself.
Tip 2: Practice. Presenting a technical argument to an audience is hard. Really hard. It’s going to take a while to get better. And the only way to improve is to practice.
One great low stress way to practice is to record a screencast. Pick a topic, or present a feature you’ve built. Record yourself, listen to it, then try to improve. Even just repeating the same presentation a few times will help you find your rhythm.
Now a question: I think you need to ask yourself why you are getting so much passive and active negative feedback?
It strikes me as a little unusual. I would hope even the most junior member of my team wouldn’t feel like their ideas are responded to with people not listening, losing interest or being overly critical.
It could be that your team has a toxic culture, and you’re being unfairly marginalised. In which case you should not bother trying to impress them and just leave.
Or maybe people aren’t listening to you because you’re too new to the team? Or maybe you’re advocating for points of view that conflict with the leadership/power structure?
I don’t know the answer, but I think it’s a question worth your time considering. Maybe find a friend/mentor at work who could give you a bit of honest feedback if it’s you or them.
But stick with it. Careers are long. And if you’re improving just a little bit every day. You’ll be amazed where you will end up!
I have worked with mid sized companies so far, where I have managed to work with it but I will start a FAANG job soon and just don't want to be in this situation when I start, specially when I am going to meet 10x more experienced and sharp engineers.
1. Make sure you know very well ahead of time how you feel about your given subjects and what you want to say about them.
2. Do #1 by spending a lot of time writing. It's amazing how often I realize that my ideas are more like vague feelings when I'm forced to articulate them by putting them into words via the act of writing.
These are obviously not comprehensive or the only ways to go about gaining confidence in public speaking, but hopefully they help and contribute to whatever solution you decide on.
* Set a good example for kindness. Show respect to everyone, praise others by name when you think they've made a good point, give other speakers your attention and smile at them with your eyes.
* Be humble and be willing to admit what you don't know.
* If you feel that you're not being given respect, there is a tendency to finally blurt out words of anger towards someone. Don't do that -- it will set you back quite a bit.
* Wait until you have a good insight before piping up. That way it will be easier to defend yourself and your idea if it gets challenged. On any team there is usually at least one person who has the reputation that "she doesn't speak very often, but when she does, it's worth paying attention." Not a bad person to be.
* As you get more experience it gets easier to think on the fly. Just look at Aaron Rogers! His banter is much improved over the course of just one week. (And probably much less than a week in real time.)
It takes confidence to do this, but it is infinitely better than giving a bad or bullshit answer. No one knows everything, and there's no shame in that.
> * If you feel that you're not being given respect, there is a tendency to finally blurt out words of anger towards someone.
I think the Hacker News guidelines [1] state this well:
> Please respond to the strongest plausible interpretation of what someone says, not a weaker one that's easier to criticize. Assume good faith.
[1] https://news.ycombinator.com/newsguidelines.html