Ask HN: How to cope with the death of a dear person?

This is a beautiful post. Thanks.

One day at a time. Everybody grieves in their own unique way. There are different stages, etc. But in my experience you just use those as signposts. It isn't a process and it can't be rushed.

Don't beat yourself up over what you feel or don't feel; what you say or don't say. In my extended family we speak of lost family members and dear friends as if they were in the next room and hearing everything we speak of about them.

There is nothing you can do for yourself, except giving yourself the time and space. There is no magic potion for it, it just takes time.

Just know there are always others who also have to cope with the same loss in their own complex ways. Some people cope by changing their memory and describe the characteristics of a person completely differently, alienating your experience. Nobody will correct them, because everybody becomes so respectful towards others. Without real notice this damages relationships in the long run. It shouldn't, but at some point you can't stand the people close to you and their sadness and twisted polished stories anymore.

There is no malice to it, we all experience things differently. Do you ever really know a person? A whole life is quite a long time and some of us only see some facet of the life of others and there are things we don't want to see.

It seems strange, but the dead really don't care about this world anymore, it is only for the living. It is not about respecting their whishes, it never was, the dead are owned by the people close to them and they even decide who that person was. It is about what they need and that is the unimportant stuff you should forget anyways.

Many great mathematicians are buried with citations, they already regretted when they were alive.

But after a few years and without the haze of pain and emotions, real human and normal stories and memories can emerge again. If you lucky, somebody is there who can acknowledge them with a smile and a mind falling back in time. That is the good stuff.

May your experiences be different.

Your time machine is between your ears, it is very powerful and can be tainted by emotions and pain, so be careful when to use it out loud.

One bad advice I hear is "get over it" or "you will get over it". Why would anyone do that? You lost somebody you cared about, why would you get over them?

Your loved one will always be with you, in your memories, in your life experiences. If you get a smile while thinking of the things you did together, then they are not really dead.

I found this shortly after losing someone. For me, I was lucky, I'd had the chance to say goodbye, and they knew how I felt. Even so, this spoke to me.

http://www.solipsys.co.uk/images/Grief_FromAnOldGuy.jpg

Someone on reddit wrote the following heartfelt plea online:

"My friend just died. I don't know what to do. "

A lot of people responded. Then there‘s one old guy’s incredible comment that stood out from the rest that might just change the way we approach We and death:

“Alright, here goes. l'm old. What that means is that I‘ve survived (so far) and a lot of people I've known and loved did not. I've lost friends, best friends, acquaintances, co—workers, grandparents, mom, relatives, teachers, mentors, students, neighbors, and a host of other folks. I have no children, and i can't imagine the pain it must be to lose a child. But here's my two cents.

"I wish I could say you get used to people dying. I never did. I don't want to. it tears a hole through me whenever somebody I love dies, no matter the circumstances. But I don't want it to "not matter". I don't want it to be something thatjust passes. My scars are a testament to the love and the relationship that I had for and with that person. And if the scar is deep, so was the love. So be it. Scars are a testament to life. Scars are a testament that I can love deeply and live deeply and be cut, or even gouged, and that I can heal and continue to live and continue to love. And the scar tissue is stronger than the original flesh ever was. Scars are a testament to life. Scars are only ugly to people who can't see.

“As for grief, you'll find it comes in waves. When the ship is first wrecked, you're drowning, with wreckage all around you. Everything floating around you reminds you of the beauty and the magnificence of the ship that was, and is no more. And all you can do is float. You find some piece of the wreckage and you hang on fora while. Maybe it's some physical thing. Maybe it’s a happy memory or a photograph. Maybe it's a person who is also floating. For a while, all you can do is float. Stay alive.

"In the beginning, the waves are 100 feet tall and crash over you without mercy. They come 10 seconds apart and don‘t even give you time to catch your breath. All you can do is hang on and float. After a while, maybe weeks, maybe months, you'll find the waves are still 100 feet tall, but they come further apart. When they come, they still crash all over you and wipe you out. But in between, you can breathe, you can function. You never know what's going to trigger the grief. it might be a song, a picture, a street intersection, the smell of a cup of coffee. It can be just about anything. and the wave comes crashing. But in between waves, there is life.

“Somewhere down the line, and it's different for everybody, you find that the waves are only 80 feet tall. Or 50 feet tall. And while they still come, they come further apart. You can see them coming. An anniversary, a birthday, or Christmas, or landing at O'Hare. You can see it coming, for the most part, and prepare yourself. And when it washes over you, you know that somehow you will, again, come out the other side. Soaking wet, sputtering, still hanging on to some tiny piece of the wreckage, but you‘ll come out.

"Take it from an old guy. The waves never stop coming, and somehow you don't really want them to. But you learn that you'll survive them. And other waves will come. And you'll survive them too. If you're lucky, you'll have lots of scars from lots of loves. And lots of shipwrecks."

Death is a shock to the system, even if it is expected. My mother slowly passed, and her last 6 weeks it was obvious.

Now is too soon to think of 'How do I cope' It is a day to day thing. The funeral will bring it all up again. I was grateful for friends who acted as chauffeurs and managers at my mothers funeral.

If you can, write or record on a phone all the stories you can remember. Then in a year or two put them together. Which I need to do myself for my mother and aunts.

I also need to spend some time with my dad and record his stories. I think I will go in 5 year increments. I also need to do this for my wife and myself. Although typing it out sounds good, I think at the least try to get an audio recording, better is to tie in video.

A good friend of mine died unexpectedly recently. I have no experience with stuff like this, I've only had one other friend die before, and we weren't nearly as close.

It still seems pretty unreal, but, at the same time, it feels like this is the only way, and the anomalous condition is that any of us are still surviving him.

In a very short time, we will all be dead, too, and a very short time after that, everyone who ever knew us will also be dead.

It will be that way much, much longer than the few blinks of an eye in which we build little sandcastles on the crust here.

You know that big rock in the ocean out in front of the sutro baths ruins, the one covered in bird shit? That thing has been sitting there for a dozen times longer than the tall apes have been making sounds that map to concepts.

It'll be there long after, too.

Life is the temporary anomaly.

Sorry if this isn't a helpful comment, it's just some of the shit that's been going through my mind recently whenever I think about my friend. I wish I could hang out with him for ten or fifteen minutes more, or had known the last time I saw him that I would never get to see him again.

Tell people that you love them.

I talk to my parents on an almost daily basis. Sometimes I dont even have topics so I just ramble and bore them. But why not ? One day they will be no more and that day I don't want to have things that I wanted to tell them. I am sorry for your loss. I am just happy that you were physically present when he passed away. Its been a challenging year so take your time to recover.

Thank you for the suggestion, you may have spared me from one of the biggest regrets of my life.

However, I find it hard to say the words, it doesn't really need to be said, it is known. It's a cultural difference for me.

In return, all I can offer is the notion that you are not alone. This is something that probably all of us have to face one day.

Also, I recall the story of Richard Feynman in his old age walking with his friend joking about his surgery & illness, and his friend remarked that he is sad because Feynman was probably going to die soon. Then Feynman said that he has told so many stories over his lifetime, and it feels like he's won't really be completely gone as long as those stories are remembered.

The 42 song by Coldplay encapsulates this.

"Those who are dead are not dead, they're just living in my head"

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nkZJc7oA9cE

I had a similar experience with my mother. I quit my job to spend the last few months remaining with her until the day she passed.

During this period we never told ourselves that we loved each other, not because it never came about, or was too awkward, but because our actions were expressions of love.

It's probably the instance that makes more sense with the cliché: actions speak louder than words.

That's how I justified it in my mind and came to terms with it for not saying it, and makes sense to me. I knew, and my mom knew, death was around the corner. But we also knew we loved each other.

Could it be that saying I love you so much meant "goodbye", so we avoided saying it?

I don't think so, we enjoyed our company and expressed our love for each other throughout our lives, and that happened until the final moment. It still happens to this day that my mom is no longer here, and will carry on until my mind fades away or on my death bed.

Maybe our believes helped us as well, since we both had a sense of continuity of life and death.

I miss her a lot.

Since then I feel more empathy, and I have a new appreciation for the time I spend with my family and friends. On the other side, things like work became a shore and I've been struggling with it... like if I'm not doing meaningful things then they're pointless and a waste of time.

This may help you: https://psychcentral.com/blog/coping-with-grief-the-ball-the...

> Does any of you have a time machine at hand? Both me and my wife would like to tell him how much we love him, and hear his great stories one last time.

I don't but he knew you loved him. People who have introspection after losing someone usually are great at telling people. I have lost people which is why I do and tell people how I feel about them.

I always recommend The Grief Recovery Handbook. Disclaimer: the authors are Christian and that informs a bit of the book, but I would recommend you at least check it out and flip through it.

https://www.amazon.com/dp/0061686077/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_glt_...

Write out your thoughts of your father in law. Try to get all those details down while you remember them more freshly. This way you’ve got something to read years from now when you want to spend time remembering him. Writing is great for working through emotions-so write about whatever comes to mind.

I find this passage from a couple millennia ago most helpful. Other translations may give different nuances. People have struggled to handle death since the first people.

---

“Zhuangzi's wife died. When Huizu went to convey his condolences, he found Zhuangzi sitting with his legs sprawled out, pounding on a tub and singing. "You lived with her, she brought up your children and grew old," said Huizu. "It should be enough simply not to weep at her death. But pounding on a tub and singing - this is going too far, isn't it?"

Zhuangzi said, "You're wrong. When she first died, do you think I didn't grieve like anyone else? But I looked back to her beginning and the time before she was born. Not only the time before she was born, but the time before she had a body. Not only the time before she had a body, but the time before she had a spirit. In the midst of the jumble of wonder and mystery a change took place and she had a spirit. Another change and she had a body. Another change and she was born. Now there's been another change and she's dead. It's just like the progression of the four seasons, spring, summer, fall, winter.

"Now she's going to lie down peacefully in a vast room. If I were to follow after her bawling and sobbing, it would show that I don't understand anything about fate. So I stopped.”

Sorry for your loss.

Lost my brother-in-law few months back after a long battle with cancer. My sister is still mourning. It takes time and it never really goes away fully. You just get used to it I guess.

One of the things I thought and shared with her, and which had some effect was this: we all die and we all spend our time here in various ways. Being sad for a loss means that we were lucky enough to have someone of high value in our lives. That is not a given. So, sad as we might be it's also a reason to be happy that we were that lucky. The alternative would be to never have met them and thus lead a much poorer life.

Dunno if that helps.

My best friend died in questionable circumstances overseas when we were 19. The full story was never revealed: neither when exactly he died or how(we were told he committed suicide by hanging himself). Which, even though no one had been to the place where he presumably died, is a straight up lie due to tons and tons of evidence confirming that it wasn't possible. The main suspect to many people's minds(myself included) was his father. Beyond the fact that he was(and still probably is) one of the nastiest creatures. The fact that he was the one who started the lie about him hanging himself was a huge red flag to begin with(and a lot more emerging with time). Sadly the only person who could really trigger a further investigation was his mom and she has had mental issues for almost as long as I could remember her so that never happened.

Anyway it's been 12 years and I'm afraid I haven't found a good way to cope with it. The first few years were a nightmare to put it very lightly. But at one point I just learned to live with the thought that he's gone. Which is not to say that I don't think about him every day. It just became a norm for me and while it still bothers me and occasionally keeps me up awake at night, I've kind of accepted it and learned to live with it.

I wish I could give you a less morbid answer but I'm afraid that's the best I can do. Sorry. And sorry for your loss.

I lost my father at age 10 because of a brain tumor. I lost my mother at age 25 due to breast cancer. I'm now aged 27 and lost my brother last month due to alcoholism.

It's very sad and recently I cry regularly. Don't be afraid of crying, it's good for the soul.

Before my mom passed she said she just wants me to live my life. Do things that make me happy because before you know it life is over. She said: of course you will be sad in the beginning but don't let it control/ruin your life (like it did with my brother, alcoholism), live your life! Do all the things you want to do and don't wait to do it "someday". That memory really helped me a lot with the grieving process and made me realize that life is for the living, let the dead be dead.

I also educated my mom a bit because we never said "I love you" so one day I told her, let's say it! And get over this awkwardness. Since that time (she was already sick) we said it occasionally and I'm very glad we did that. I told her as kids we need to hear these things :)) . That taught me that as kids it's oké to tell your parents your needs. Parents aren't perfect and the're trying their best.

So how do I cope? In my experience the people that are dying are usually afraid that their death will mess up their loved one's lifes permanently and that they are "responsible" for it. So just live life man. That's the greatest thing you can do to honor the ones that have passed. Sometimes you feel like a zombie, sometimes you feel like nothing changed. It's all part of the experience we call life. We are just getting to know more about life and all the sadness and happiness it has to offer.

I lost both my parents and a cousin in the last 18 months. I also had several close friends lose a parent during that period, and I went to the funeral of a schoolmate of my kid.

Here’s my advice, having gone through a grief counseling process.

- People are sympathetic to you, but they don’t know what to say. You might run into people who just throw out a trope like “be strong” or “time will heal all wounds”. Often this isn’t really functional advice, they are just at a loss when thinking about what to say to you. The thing not to do is try to follow this well meaning advice, because while your friend might be able to suppress the thoughts about your loved one passing, you might need to actually deal with it.

- One of the main issues with common advice it when it suggests that you hide your emotions. There's no such thing as being strong. Crying or not crying isn't about strength, whether you try one or the other against your instincts it's an emotional agony that you don't need.

- I won’t say I know how you feel. Your relationship with your loved one is personal, and relationships all have specific highs and lows. Death can even be a relief for some people.

- I worked through a book called “The Grief Recovery Handbook”. It’s worth a read. It encourage you to think through your relationship and what it means to you. You end up doing a timeline and writing a short letter.

- Often all you want is someone to sit and listen to you. You’ll find you have more friends than you thought. I ended up getting my dad's life story from one of his close friends.

I found grief is like a stormy ocean. When it’s fresh, the waves keep hitting, and all you can do is try to keep from drowning. That’s okay - it’s okay to focus on just not drowning. You don’t owe it to anyone to pretend you’re on a peaceful lake.

With time, the waves hit less and less often. For a while, though, it’s just the frequency that changes - not the amplitude. It will hit just as hard, and your responsibility remains the same: just don’t drown.

With a lot more time, the waves get smaller, too.

My only piece of advice is that when the waves hit, don’t focus on dog-paddling or floating or whatever stupid fucking thing people say you should be doing. Just. Don’t. Drown.

When the wave breaks, and you have your moment of peace, then you can take a moment to remind yourself that this will pass. The waves will get less frequent, and smaller.

Perhaps a touch more actionable: when my father passed, I found it helpful to engage in hobbies related to, but not identical to, his. It hit the right balance of making me feel in touch with him, without clobbering me over the head by emphasizing his absence.

Psychologists say that depression after a loss of a dear person lasts around 2 years. My lasted 3 years. So, no matter how you cope with this event, you will feel bad for 2 years, unfortunately.

Sorry to hear of your loss. Sounds like an amazing man that I would have wanted to know. I have a thought that really works for me. It doesn't take the sting out, just makes the good parts good. Essentially the trick is to find a way to feel the love you have for this person in the present time. If the only way somebody lives on is in your memory, give the memories a happy home life. Treasure them and love them. In the long run you'll probably do that anyway.

My be it would seem somewhat irrational to you at first but I think the only chance to 'cope' with it yo get when you understand that there is absolutely no way to 'cope' with it and you should not even try to 'cope' with it.

Once you accept that .. only then after some time there is a slight chance to get to a place which would be called by other people around 'coping with it'.

Try to redirect your love for him to people he deeply cared about. Perhaps they miss him and his care too and you can partly fullfill this void and make it a bit easier for them. I think you were one of those he cared about so please do not forget about yourself too.

do you mourn your own past self, your youth, or even yesterday ? Do you mourn the people who will live when you die, because you won’t get to know them, and they won’t get to know you ?

The past and the future are not so different. While some of the past is catalogued in your memories, most of it remains unknown and unexplored, partly predictable, just like the future. enjoy the present and enjoy predicting the future and the past !