Ask HN: How to disconnect from work?
Hello,
I'm a developer and I struggle to "get a life".
My job is my passion. And this is the problem.
I spend my weekend thinking about bugs I have to solve and most of the time trying to learn a new language/framework.
Sometimes It just doesn't feel right especially when you hear some colleagues talking about their weekend in the mountains or just hanging out with their friends.
While it's satisfying to be up-to-date and having a certain level of expertise, I really feel that I'm not enjoying life but instead just working all the time.
Question : Did anyone have that issue ? How did you manage to disconnect from work and forget about it during free time ?
55 comments
[ 2.9 ms ] story [ 112 ms ] threadYou need to get to know Max Frenzel. Start with the book Time Off: A Practical Guide to Building Your Rest Ethic and Finding Success Without the Stress that he co-wrote with John Fitch and Mariya Suzuki (Illustrator): https://maxfrenzel.com/time-off or just to dip your toe in the waters read https://maxfrenzel.medium.com/in-praise-of-deep-work-full-di...
For more helpful advice, find people who also like learning languages/frameworks and spend time with them. Ideally, not at the same company you’re in but that totally works too.
BUT.. since they don't pay you for this overtime, you should find better use of your time. will it be programming? so be it, but do it for yourself. work on personal projects, and don't forget to clock out completely once in a while, have some social time. if mountains aren't your thing that's fine, surround yourself with the people you do want to be with.
Of course it meant I had to buy a phone and pay for service, but it’s totally worth it.
I’ve been WFH for 7 years now and this is the first time I have good separation of my life.
Take a notebook and write down the issues that come into your head at the weekend then hopefully that will help you disconnect.
Don't check or respond to email at the weekend is my preference. My big boss once said that the great thing about working remote is that we don't need to book-end our jobs as being 9 to 5. Yeah, no.
Not only this, but on weekdays problems can be left to the following morning.
I second the notebook for getting work puzzles - or their showertime solutions - out of my head.
I don't have a work phone, and blowed if I'm going to install Outlook on my personal phone.
You might. Or you might look at your bank account, and the house, and the kid's private school, and the paid-off medical bills, the charitable donations you've done and will do, and the diversified portfolio which is paying cashflow so you and your kids don't have to work again (but still want to).
For most people within 2 sigmas, don't work a minute more than you're paid. But for those who believe success and knowledge compounds f(time); consider turning the knob towards (but not all the way) towards work side of work:life balance.
I used to think the only purpose of writing things down is so that I don't forget, but I knew I could remember so I didn't write stuff down, and usually I did remember.
Writing stuff down serves another, more important, purpose though. It allows you to forget. After you write it down, you can let it go, free your mind, and know it's physically waiting for you on Monday.
Hehe sure we can make it 10 to 4 then. Thanks bossman.
The brightly colored and minimal face reminds me it’s fun time every time I check my wrist.
That said striking a balance is important. Go work out, go for a hike, go for a drinks or dinner with friends.
If you enjoy the work and you don't feel like it's too much, then just work when you feel like it. That also goes for self-education that you'd otherwise be doing during work time, like looking into that new framework. If your employer is flexible, you might also be able to work when you feel like it on Saturday night and then take Monday morning to sleep in and relax with a series while cooking breakfast. Of course, be careful when doing this, and it doesn't sound like this is for you, but it might be for other people. I sometimes work in evenings because a project is just a lot of fun and I don't want to play games to relax instead. Sometimes I take that time back later, sometimes not.
As for disconnecting: when I'm done working I turn off my work laptop and don't carry my work phone. If someone wants to reach me for work they can contact my private phone, or if I want to do work, I need to boot the laptop (or pick up the phone but everyone else is also offline so not much work to be done there). I guess that makes it quite a conscious decision and clear barrier. It does, obviously, mean having private devices so you don't need to use your employer's equipment for private stuff.
I’m in a similar boat, or have been. I’ve got a new hobby - civic engagement - but it mysteriously looks very similar to my actual work; lots of reading, writing, planning, coordinating.
It isn’t healthy to only be thinking in one particular way all day every day; I tend to want to work 10-11.5 hours at my day job, and then do a few more hours of other work (usually reading some type of report, annotating some sort of law/policy, or writing some sort of email).
For a while I was baking and learning music. It was fun to learn something totally new; being able to train myself to operate my hands in a new way was pretty cool. Unfortunately I became too busy and couldn’t sustain it.
Solutions:
- go to the movies. Short time commitment, usually engrossing content, gets you thinking in a different way. Theaters are open again and they’re putting out movies again (at least in the US). If the movie is really good, I forget myself and stop thinking analytically. If the movie isn’t so good, at least I’m thinking about that (‘the soundtrack choice isn’t great in this scene’, ‘having her force herself back to life and into this ship after clearly dying space doesn’t make any bleeping sense’) instead of API design or policy design.
- Games: this is a classic answer, but don’t feel bad if it doesn’t work. Once I’ve got something I care about/see value in, I can’t be motivated by video games. Great if you’re burnt out though.
- Drugs: sorry this isn’t a great or PC answer, but it’s the truth for myself and a lot of other people. If I really want to forget work, there are many options; alcohol is quite popular as is cannabis. It might seem like only bad people use cannabis, but realistically it is more common than you’d think (on the US west coast at least). I’m a workaholic so I have trouble enjoying time off, and that helps. Also makes sick days more bearable. I really hate being unable to work productively even though I want to; something other than sobriety can take the edge off. Drugs harder than cannabis not recommended. Again, not an amazingly healthy option, but it’s worth acknowledging the ugly truth.
- Human needs: if you are single and don’t want to be, work on addressing that while you can; evidence suggests that on your deathbed, you will regret not pursuing human connection.
I put some extra effort into developing more of hobbies that don't revolve around a screen just trying stuff and seeing what stuck
This will prevent you getting sick. It is not natural to sit all day long, so with the exercises you punch against all these sort of issues, pronto.
It will also relax your mind. It relieves the slight tension that we build up when "in the zone." It clears the "electrons" from your face.
Then, it will divide the day into two distinct parts.
That Nagios alarm that might be going off right now? Literally impossible for me to know about it. Somebody else's problem. Idea pops into my head about how to solve x problem I've been mulling over for days? Impossible to get that programming dopamine hit from immediately sitting down and implementing it. Gotta just write it in my notebook and pick it up on Monday.
I very often come home from those trips with fresh perspective on big questions I've been avoiding, or good new ideas to pursue.
I would be learning new languages and frameworks and hacking even if "computer programmer" weren't a profession, same as writing or djing or photography or any other thing I've been doing my whole life.
It sounds like you feel badly for pursuing your passion, which you also have as your profession?
There's no harm in that. I do a bunch of computer shit that has nothing to do with my computer-based revenue generating businesses.
When I want a break, I read books.
Go fishing, learn to work on a car, paint, fix your house. Whatever, just do something that doesn’t need you typing.
But don't do work in your free time. Don't fix bugs for your employer, don't learn stuff you need to learn for your employer. Don't give away your time for free. Doing work in your free time will burn you out. Doing the same things you do at work will burn you out – it will take a bit longer, but it will happen. Many employers discourage working in your free time, just because of that (and because in some countries, they're legally obliged to ensure their employees have some free time).
Instead, do your own thing, develop your own project. Probably you'll create 10 side projects and abandon every single one of them after a few days. Something will stick (finding a side project is a whole other topic). Maybe do some open source contributions. Be passionate about your own project(s). And try something new, something you can't do at work. May it be another framework, language, or just some new fancy libraries. It will broaden your horizon and drastically improve your skills as a software engineer.
You will still think of that annoying bug you couldn't fix that day. Those feelings won't go away, but they will be less and less nagging.
Finally, turn off distractions from work in your free time. Mute your work-related notifications, don't check your work mails, they can wait until monday. Oh, and don't forget to meet your friends, go grab your favorite drink with them.
I _never_ thought I would burnout. “If you enjoy work, work life balance doesn’t matter” I would think to myself. But the point above about “it will take longer, but it will happen” is absolutely correct.
I am now burned out, 13 years later. I’m now going through the process of changing how I think about work-life-balance.
Find a passion outside of work. Think about something that is meaningful to you or some hobby you want to try.
Plan activities with your friends ahead of time - hikes, going to restaurants, just hanging out. It gives you something to look forward to on the weekends.
What hammered this home for me after years of loving my job and thinking about work outside of work, was how little ROI that investment has actually had, compared to how much value it's added for my employers. Now don't get me wrong, I'm pretty happy with my career progress so far, and my love of my job, and learning outside business hours, is a major part of that.
That said, though, I can learn a lot of the same things while trying to invest the time itself in something of my own, where worst case scenario I get the same learning out of it, my employer and my career both still benefit, and I get to choose the direction myself. There's at least a chance, though, that I could produce some extra income, and maybe even build something sustainable on the side where I can personally see a much higher fraction of the ROI, rather than it disappearing somewhere into the enterprise.
I have done well treating work as a series of tasks I need to accomplish in a week rather than as a 40 hour block where I am owned and a 128 hour block that is mine. It has worked very well for me so far.
But you are not. You like your job and you think about ways to improve your job during weekend because you HAVE TO. It's like water and air to you -- you can't live without them. Let me say that although this is not very healthy to you (like any obssession is unhealthy), this is pretty much the healthiest obsession you can get yourself into, plus it probably will bring you more money on the side way.
You also don't feel right when you have a different type of weekend comparingto your colleauge. Now that you mentioned it, you would also want to check, deep inside of your heart, do you feel bad because you really want to go to the mountains or speak to your friends, or are you just uncomfortable about not being the norm of the society. If it's the second one then I'd advise you not to worry about it.
That said, if you already considered all what I said and STILL feel that you are "not enjoying life", that you geniunely want to go to the mountains but just can't do it, then I'd suggest that you get a doctor because it's difficult for individuals to get rid of their obsessions all by their own. You can definitely learn some tricks here, but ultimately you need scientifically proved way to remove your obsession.
*Edit*
The advice given by timomeh is good. He/she doesn't ask you to give up your passion, but just don't give it away for free. If you are so into programming, then there are definitely other projects you want to work on. Focus on your personal learning/projects in weekends.
If your answer is yes I'd say find a community join some classes or meetups not related to tech
It's up to you really. If you enjoy doing work related stuff for free then do it, but most people don't enjoy that and I presume you probably don't either. You just like the act of software development. So start some personal projects to scratch that itch when you have it.