Ask HN: Any dating advice for a late 30s man that got divorced?

That's your problem right there. You're going to therapy due to lack of self confidence. Your intentions for that are good, but women hate men who are not sure of themselves. You have to find a way to fix that.

38 is prime-time, buddy. If you can't see that, turn in your d___ now.

Actually women who don't have partners at 38 are desperate.

Try the red pill on reddit, if it hasn't been banned yet for wrongthink.

Let me preface this comment by saying that I’m completely serious in this advice.

After a certain age, and after a certain duration of long term relationship, there are only two paths you can go down.

The first is the life of a monk. You cut yourself off from the toil of relationships and your other life passions become the focus of your existence. Your hobbies and intellectual pursuits occupy your time.

The other is the path of the lecher. Embrace it completely and don’t look back. Treat carnal desires the same as a hankering for a nice steak or Pho.

The choice is yours. Either way, live your life on your own terms and don’t feel obligated to recreate whatever failed state you had before.

You’re not too young. I know people who are dating in their 50s and finding some joy in the process. In addition to listening to The Blindboy Podcast (pick and choose the mental-health episodes if his style is otherwise not resonant), I recommend finding a healthy sense of purpose and living for that (perhaps you do already). If I were searching for a mate, I’d look in part for someone who gives their time and effort to help others in some meaningful way. Try volunteering at something you’re not necessarily good at, or taking a class where you get to practice being vulnerable. It’d be a difficult step for me, as I don’t like driving for “unnecessary” things, but if I were searching I’d take a guitar class and practice asking questions that revealed how little I know (I was not this guy in college, to my detriment). Please don’t go down the fraught path of hating all women and feeling entitled to a relationship. Not saying that’s you.

It’s okay to be single awhile, to learn to love yourself, and to practice gratitude for what you do have. You’ll be easier to fall in love with. Good luck!

Spend some time and relearn about yourself. Where you have been. Where you are. Where you want to go.

This can help: https://www.selfauthoring.com/

I'm 43, still date college students, and they love me. I'll settle in the next couple of years, but I'm not worried. It's all about confidence and perspective.

TBH, I don't use dating apps because they're all about hookups between pretty people, full of lazy/rude people, and a waste of time. Real life is much better.

Well, I divorced at 41 after being married 19 years. All I can say is never feel like you _have_ to date. Turn on every filter you can think of and if someone occasionally seems interesting go on a date; you’re right about chatting, it’s pretty worthless so meet as soon as possible (but don’t scare them). Do a quick gut check and don’t settle. Most people are pretty terrible and that includes women.

Be happy being alone. That doesn’t mean stay alone, it’s just the right frame of mind whether you’re alone or not.

Fwiw - I met a wonderful woman right before the pandemic and have been seeing her since then: I couldn’t be happier.

I divorced my wife in my early 30s, and after the trauma of everything I swore off women and lived the life of a monk for 7 years. At age 38 I finally ventured tentatively into the dating pool, and it was as bad as I was expecting (a bunch of desperate people on both sides) so I stopped and focused instead on my hobbies. I finally learned to play classical guitar, I finally got in shape using a boxer's workout that worked so well I could wear the same sized jeans I did in high school again. I started doing things I enjoyed, went hiking camping with groups of like minded people, started blogging about things I felt strongly about, without a care about what anyone else thought or who agreed or disagreed (sorry, life is too short for projecting an illusion of me).

And I met people, just not through any dating services or at bars or any of the usual places. And since these were in neutral environments, there was no pressure: you'd get to know people and they'd get to know you, and if something eventually came of it, cool, and if not no big deal because that wasn't the purpose of the activities anyway.

What I'm trying to say is: There's no shortcut to meeting someone who's good for you. The tried-and-true method that has worked in the past before all of this dating service nonsense has been to just BE there, doing things, in an inclusive no-pressure environment where the purpose isn't to get hooked up with someone. People can sense when your motivations aren't pure, and the worst of these is the desperation to not be alone. It's not very flattering to be wanted as "mr right now" as opposed to "mr right", nor is it flattering the other way around.

Everyone out there is different, and that means that there are many people who want what you actually are. This is why it's so important to BE what you really are. The more you disguise yourself out of shame or fear or envy, the less people see of the real you, and the more likely it is that any woman who develops an interest in you will actually be interested in the false image you're projecting. And all that does is lead to tears down the road. Better to just be who you really are, so that the women out there who are actually LOOKING for that can finally see you. Also get out there and DO things, because spending all your time alone guarantees that nobody sees you (as the famous parable goes: no one hides a lamp under a bowl or a bed, but rather puts it on a stand so that those who enter can see the light).

Since getting back into dating (sort of), I had three more relationships before meeting the girl of my dreams through my blog of all places (we're both gamers), and we married 3 years ago in my early 40s. Our 3rd wedding anniversary gifts to each other were a pair of Radeon 6600s so that we could play the Back4Blood beta in style!