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Ask HN: How do you coordinate schedules and projects with your spouse?

4 points by subpixel ↗ HN
I'm not doing a good job of coordinating schedules and projects with my better half and I'm interested in knowing what tools and processes help others stay in-sync with their partners.

My wife and I may adjust our agreed-upon school drop-off and pickup schedule several times a week, and neither of us knows who is going to find a contractor to renovate the garage. But then I get frustrated when she brings up these topics when I'm heads-down on work. We're falling apart here!

A specific thing I've failed to figure out is how to control notifications regarding calendar invites - emails just find ways to be missed. I know I can pipe emails into something like Slack, but I'm wary of trying to sell my wife on a jury-rigged system.

Please, tell me what works for you.

8 comments

[ 2.6 ms ] story [ 24.4 ms ] thread
h2odragon
Whiteboard, perhaps? Big "write on it" monthly calendar on the wall, maybe.

"tech" won't help. individual attention to communication and doing the shit you said you would is whats required. tech cant help that much and the cost is often more than the gain.

With the exception, of course, of the case where you're both plugged into some time management system for other reasons anyway and you just need to reconcile specific interchange protocols. If thats the case, quit and move out to a farm and raise the kids.

subpixel
I agree, and yet there is a difference between a communication problem and a lack of process. The latter is most applicable to my current state.
h2odragon
We used a large desk calendar and kept our schedules noted on it, with events etc there too. maintaining it was a habit that wasnt easy to establish but wasnt too hard to maintain. we had it by the front door, so looking at it on the way out wasnt hard.
giantg2
First off - consistency. People are creatures of habit and it will be best for both of you, and especially your kid(s), to have a routine.

Personally, I work a mostly normal and consistent schedule while my wife makes her own schedule. I basically let her walk all over me. I've given up my career and just have a job now. Either you need to come to a standard and fairly rigid schedule, or one of you has to yeild.

On a side note, who hires someone to renovate a garage? That's the area to build your skills (and kid's skills) at drywall, paint, etc. What's the point of working so much if you have to spend that money to have other people do basic things and have other people or the school raise your kids? Not you personally, but just my impression of couples that work a lot and make a lot, to the poi t they dont spend much time with the kids.

joshxyz
I agree on consistency on routines.

It's like having stand ups, and in standups different setups work for different teams. One approach that works with one couple may not work with another. Just gotta keep trying various ways to figure out that groove that works for ya'll.

joshxyz
Just bullet point lists.

- just

- like

- this

Make it high-level view. Pin it in the convo (telegram app lets us do this). And always highlight the next damn step, whatever issue is blocking, and the deadline.

2rsf
Communicate and don't leave things hanging in the air? both of you thought and decided about finding a contractor to renovate the garage? decide who will take the next step or at least put a reminder to discuss it
gls2ro
Here is what I suggest: take every week 1 hour to drink a coffee with your wife and discuss family matters. First coffee will have a lot of things to solve, but if you commit to do this weekly you both will not feel the need to solve everything in one meeting.

Also I would approach this with a mix of relaxation and focus on solutions and not make the meeting a bullet point list with todos. It might be that the first meetings will be more venting than actual solutions. Let is be for both of you! You have a life to live together so there is always time to discuss anything.