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"Or France, Germany or Belgium, where at-home tests are ubiquitous and as cheap as a decent cappuccino."

At least in Germany, you can get them even at most supermarkets for 0.8-1€.

That'd be a quite cheap decent cappuccino.

If you need a certified rapid test, those unable to get vaccinated (yet) like U12 or for medical reasons still can get one done for free at most pharmacies or dedicated testing stations, while those eligible to get vaccinated might have to pay around 15€ for a certified test.