Ask HN: As an introvert/ambivert, how can I reap benefits from social events?

If you find social situations difficult then you're probably just anti-social. I don't mean that as an insult, simply as a statement of fact. Some people don't enjoy socializing, especially in a 'work' context. If that's you then either don't do it, or learn how to do it better. It's a skill like any other. Join groups that are designed to improve your social skills. Believe it or not, there are courses you can buy about getting better at networking.

But remember that introverts can enjoy a party, and socializing, as much as anyone else. They just need time on their own to recover afterwards. Just as extroverts need a party to recover from time on their own.

And if it gets too much, “sorry I gotta call my boss” is a believable excuse to get out of anything you find awkward or if you’ve had enough. Knowing you have that parachute might make it easier.

Do you dislike social events? If so, why? Do you get social anxiety? Do you lack social skills? Do you simply find it exhausting? Or do you find it uninteresting? Maybe you like social events, but don't see a purpose? Or maybe you see a purpose, but you're failing to realize that purpose? Are you going to events that are relevant to you? Why are you going to events? Do you need to go, or could you pass?

If that's the case then I'd encourage you to think consciously before and during events about being prepared to ask people about making plans.

Seize on common interests and think of what can be done after the event, and make a plan for it during the event. If someone mentions a favourite bar/cafe/restaurant, say you'd love to go. Same goes for movies, business talks, exhibitions, etc.

If your focus is more work related then something small like organising a coffee meetup with a set purpose is great. Gather freelancers to talk finances, or project management, or client relations. Gather people in your role together to exchange stories over a drink.

There's even a chance that if you float the idea or hint at it, someone else might volunteer to organise - you'd just need to turn up (although really some of these suggestions don't require much more than turning up either - just a time and a place!).

I think that the best way to benefit from networking is to just actually be genuinely interested in learning from people and follow up over time to build a real relationship.

First, people love talking about themselves (I do!) so if you are in an social situation, do that. Everyone has something to teach. See what you can learn. (This is harder to do at an online event, but still possible, especially with chat.)

Then, if you want an ongoing relationship with the person because they seem interesting and could be helpful to your career, foster that. Don't be transactional, but try to help them out.

How?

   * send them interesting articles
   * share their content (if they make some)
   * if they are looking to hire, share their job post
   * ask how you can help

Keep doing this with a set of folks and when you need something (a job, a favor, someone to bounce an idea off of, a connection) you will have a network to ask.

0: https://letterstoanewdeveloper.com/2019/02/25/use-a-conversa...

It's not a coincindence that the most solid friendships are formed in high school/college where there is a "forced" continous presence .

And also you have the added bonus of some authority to rally against and thus bond together (think a teacher, some egomaniac professor, the principal...)

In adulthood all those factors go out of the window + everybody is extremely concerned about being cool and not being needy.

I don't think this can be solved except moving to countries which are socially warm such as Brazil, Mexico, Nigeria etc.

With warmth also comes strong sentiments and envy, but it's better than the social flatline observed domestically.

The countries that I mentioned are exceptional in terms of social warmth because of cultural (perhaps climatic?) factors.

As a rule of thumb the poorer a country is and the shortest the expected lifespan, the more social interaction happens between its citizens. In a sense , rational thought and order are the mortal enemies of social interaction.

Going back to the the topic of school/college....America is the Ivy league college where everybody is keeping the score of their social status and nobody talks to anybody else.

Places in the 3rd world are like party schools, nobody gives a damn about tomorrow, they are all there to get shitfaced and enjoy the moment, being in the moment and mingle around, get involved in orgies and fights...sometimes orgies turning into fights and viceversa.

I used to bring conversations to email but nothing ever came out of it. And yes, it gets awkward for both sides.

You need constant communication with someone to reap the benefits, which is where social media works.

I have the exact opposite problem to what you have described. I am uncomfortable at social gatherings, but somewhat okayish at online discussions. It takes me a lot of mental preparation to attend any event so that I don't stand in a corner or outside the event venue during the event. It is not that I don't mingle with other participants, but it takes me extra efforts to do so and it just seems like I have to fake it. And it shows and the conversations don't seem natural(I think this happens to you when you are online).