Ask HN: Please Give Me Advice

Few people have anything resembling a plan.

Just don't ask randos on the internet. You'll hear this often, because there's truth to it: Seek therapy. It's not a sign of weakness.

And if the therapist doesn't "click" with you, see a different one.

Find an interesting hobby.

This is the zeitgeist so what you're feeling is reasonable. We live in material abundance but spiritual destitution. So unfortunately I don't think there is anything you can do individually that will help other than maybe look into folks like Neil Postman, Alan Watts, Carl Sagan, etc. and read what they wrote to see if it can be applied in your individual circumstances. It's hard to do anything about an individual problem until you understand its systemic causes and can place it in the proper context for analysis.

Learn a hobby. Maybe try to be more self sufficient. The more self sufficient you are, the less approval you'll need from others. I dream of a small farm someday. I learn things now that will be useful in the future - like gardening, butchering, taxidermy, culturing mushrooms, caning, etc.

You may be ill, go see your doctor.

Can you trace this back, since when do you feel this way?

A few people I've spoken with who "broke out" of this mentality credit Jordan Peterson's 12 rules for life

https://www.amazon.com/12-Rules-Life-Antidote-Chaos/dp/03458...

Here's a quick video (12 min video):

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ApC0faRYabI

I suspect his lectures, books, etc are likely more in depth. I personally haven't read it much, but am aware of the rules.

At the end of the day, you have to just get moving. One thing I've found helpful is selecting objectives, often physical ones. Go to the gym every day, take a 1-hour walk. Brush your teeth, shower, eat breakfast, lunch and dinner.

Make a list and hold yourself to account, get a star chart and show progress. From there you can build.

Life needs objectives, you have to decide who and what you want to be, but start at some basics -- "I want to bench 180lbs" or "I want to complete my list for a full week".

It may sound strange, but when people are in that state, the hardest thing in the world is getting started. If you miss a day, fine. Don't make an excuse you have to keep going. Eventually, you form habits and the more you form, the more robust and resilient you are. If you miss a couple activities for a day or two it wont be the end of the world. Just keep your life moving and pick them back up.

After you can do that and you accomplish a few objectives, I think you can / should start thinking of longer goals, 2 -3 years out and just keep building. At the end of the day, this isn't a journey for anyone but yourself.

Earnestly I offer this suggestion:

Wake up earlier than you currently do, every day. Walk somewhere a little farther than usual, if even for a cup of coffee.

Repeat daily. You’ll know when.

"The important thing in life is not victory but combat; it is not to have won but to have fought well." —Pierre de Coubertin

Your perception of yourself and your life is being distorted by depression. The intellect tries to make this about "meaning," or who you are, but it's not really about that.

You're not a parasite, and the people who care about you don't think you're a loser. You're okay, and it sucks that you're going through this, but nothing is wrong with you. You're just having a rough spot, which is normal and common, especially in these times. If anyone says otherwise (including or especially yourself) they're wrong.

I agree that therapy is a good idea here. If you've had trouble finding a local therapist, use the betterhelp or talkspace app - it's very easy to get connected to a therapist there.

Wishing you the best in moving forward with all this.

Think about the inner values that you have. You mention, you want to make a contribution to the society, and to be a good grandson. That's already a lot! You could start by making really small contributions, it does not have to be world-changing to make sense. Just picking up trash or tending a garden would be a good start.

Take care of your other needs – try to eat well, sleep well, move enough, get social support (as you are doing now). And, as others say, get a therapist that you can work with.

It may take some time to work things out. But it's okay. Just see it as growing and maturing.

I’ve been there. I’ve suffered from depression for 20 years now… but my darkest, lowest points were 06-09. I had pathologically negative thoughts just like you’re experiencing. It’s incredible suffering, I know! No one really understands unless they’ve been there themselves.

You can recover. The darkness will eventually relent. You can be productive and successful one day. It’s not over. There are no easy solutions or habits to fix it though, that is the sad truth. The best you can do at the bottom is not give up.

Honestly, do you have any desire to improve your current mindset?

If you do, you have the capability to change this.

Everyday go for a walk outside, and everyday lift something heavy.

You can fix yourself, as long as you want to.

Read the almanack of naval. Bettered my life

Get off of the internet. For an extended period of time. Invest in real-life relationships. Get into nature. Seek professional in-person psychological help, not help via the internet.

You have an extra "o" when you spelt loser. But no, I've been there buddy, and honestly, still partly stuck in that rut. What really helped me is just going out to meet people. When I think abt the days that depression hits the hardest, it's usually the days when I have minimal to zero human interaction. Something abt regular social interactions is critical for my mental well. I also have had pretty bad social anxiety, but recently have committed myself to getting better at it. Used to think of it as something innate, that other people were borne with but somehow I was passed over. Now I realize it's just a skill like any other, and the more you immerse interact with people, the better you get at it, and the more enjoyable it becomes. Recommend just taking any opportunity you can get with strangers to make small talk with them. Bars are good for this too. Also I noticed that the way you write your messages, strongly signals "depressed person". You need to supress this outward expression of your depressive state as much as possible when interacting with other people. Because as much as society tells you otherwise, nobody really enjoys interacting with a depressed person. So no matter how you feel on the inside, shud try your best to reflect an outwardly normal attitude. BTW, some others have commented seeking therapy. I have mixed feelings abt this. On one hand, people with seriously crippling depression shud definitely seek professional help. On the other hand, alot of self diagnosed "depression" can be simply chalked up to having some bad days, rather than some chemical imbalances in the brain. In the latter case, seeking a therapist just externalizes the solution instead of facing the problem that is yours to solve yourself. What you are feeling would probably continue for the rest of your life, unless you can do something to change it. Anyways, I hope this helped. Don't give up, and always remember that youre probably stronger than you think. The present is not indicative of the future, and even your worst days will give way to a brighter tomorrow

You have the wrong philosophy. A wrong interpretation of reality. Depression is inevitable. Have you ever asked yourself what a "good person" means? And why? Because it is written in a book? Because others told you so? Use your mind and senses, use Aristotle's achievement of how to interpret reality correctly: logic. Read "The Virtue of Selfshness" by Ayn Rand and live the best life you can.

Been there, it gets better.

If you want somebody to talk to drop me an email at pavlo@malynin.com about anything thats on your mind.

If you want to talk to somebody at this current moment you can also text HOME to 741741 to speak with a counselor.

There are lots of suggestions in here, things like "meet people", "get off the internet", etc.

I have one and only piece of advice: seek treatment for your depression.

You likely won't be able to implement any of these other suggestions until you do that one.

Depression is no joke and can very easily ruin your life if you don't treat it. None of the other suggestions I saw in the thread seem to understand this. (The hyperbole and a half webcomic series on depression does, however.)

My contact info's in my profile, and I have some suggestions to that end I don't wish to write here.

Call or email me. Don't wait.

> I have money, yet i’m miserable and unhappy

if you're putting this in one sentence try not having the money and see how it feels

Perspective helps. If you are not wanting for money and have time, and assuming you’re in the Northern hemisphere, pack some chicken/turkey/beef/falafel sandwiches, socks, hoodies, and toiletries. Pack a similar meal for yourself. Get some hot coffee. Leave home hungry.

Find a homeless person. Tell them if they’re interested you want to share a lunch with them while they tell you their story. Doesn’t have to be the story of how they became homeless, just any story they want to share with another human being.

Many homeless are invisible and feel like less than human because they can go months before exchanging an authentic conversation with another person. For a social species like ours, that’s a torturous existence.

You might not feel less like a useless parasite, but for that moment, for that individual, you objectively made a difference.

First: appreciate where you are and what you already have. There are people out there who are struggling to get a single meal during the day .

Second: check your diet, sleep and health. A good mind needs all of those in proper order. See an expert if any of those is not in place.

Third: Do you work part-time/full-time? If yes you are already contributing something to the world. If not, are you a student? You will have to chart out a path depending on your current status.

Get a job

Hmmm wanna send me some money?

I don't have money, and I may not be as miserable and unhappy as you, but I also dream of making a contribution. At the top of my head I've been wanting to do the following:

- Guide local undergrads in learning web dev. Giving them access to quality learning materials means a lot, let alone letting them access free linux servers (there are $5 cheap ones at hetzner / digitalocean / vultr but I was thinking if I could maximize those by using firecracker vm's which was used by fly.io)

- Create a local startup community platform. Our local community have a sub-par index of the local startup ecosystem and its resources, could use a lot of organization.

My work doesn't pay a lot, I don't have inheritance, I still struggle on bills. But I guess any man in my position would welcome some free beer and cigs money, hahaha.

Realtalk: if you're sitting on your hard-earned money, I don't see any reason to feel bad about it. If you're sitting on inherited money, maybe it's your parents' fault for giving you too much of a safety net. If you can't manage your resources efficiently, maybe the challenge is finding that person that could execute those well for you.

Lord Kelvin once said, "if we can't measure it, we can't improve it". What are your metrics for your impact-focused pursuits? At those two examples I've given above, my metrics are 1.) amount of undergrad developers we get to help each quarter, and 2.) amount of new local startup founder / employee we see each quarter. What are your metrics bro?

And what drugs are you on, uppers, downers, psychedelics, deluriants?.. Reminds me of that Alan Watts guy who said "If you get the message, hang up the phone.". Ain't saying they're good nor bad, but what's your end game with that? Maybe try dropping them for a while to get some clarity? Haha, ball is on your court