Ask HN: How to optimize your career for happiness?
I don't consider myself especially intelligent. Neither I'm dumb. I suffer from imposter syndrome from time to time, especially when I start a new job/challenge. I usually acknowledge these situations and manage to drive them without major problems. I have been in places where I was making way more but the job was boring, in startups where I was learning x10 every single day, I cut my salary to join especially talented teams, I stayed at places that required less than 10h/week while being paid for 40h... Sometimes I have been focused on pursuing a bigger salary, a promotion, or becoming a manager. I successfully accomplish most of these challenges. Every single situation had pros and cons, and none of them made me feel completely full-filled.
I thought I had a pretty good work-life balance but lately, I've been through health issues and every single doctor/therapist is pointing out to stress and sedentarism. Due to that, I've been reading some articles where researchers explain how people in tech started to care more about happiness and less about salary. I thought I was already doing that but looks like I've been doing something wrong with my professional career, and there is a path more equilibrated and focused on happiness I should follow.
Do you do something special?
338 comments
[ 1.9 ms ] story [ 259 ms ] threadSo far it is working out pretty well for me. To be quite honest, you don't have to have passion for your job to perform well enough in accord with your salary and incentives. I'd say even more, overworking oneself is a "grave sin" against your future.
One's time and intelligence are better spent optimizing one's family size (in upwards direction) and health.
> I thought I was already doing that but looks like I've been doing something wrong with my professional career, and there is a path more equilibrated and focused on happiness I should follow.
In addition to my advice, I recommend you to read this thread https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=29581125
Several things should be pretty evident by this point:
1. Software engineering sub-niches are grossly different in pay/effort ratio, overtime expectations and ageism prevalence
2. Overperforming expecting a raise is a poor strategy in most cases
3. Discrete option/bonus increase thresholds doled out according to perceived effort/visibility are a devious trick to lure a significant part of workers to invest more effort than they would otherwise (and still fail to get over the threshold to get the bonus). Don't fall for it.
And in any case: I think one of the most valuable things one can do is raise a big family, while investing into stock market and slowing down one's aging as much as possible, to reap all this compounding interest.
To anyone who can look at the fertility curves and population pyramids, it should be pretty obvious that the real problem of the coming decades is demographic shift, and corresponding growth of dependency ratio. Compared to climate change, our authorities don't really propose a good solution for this crisis, except vague wording about more automation and more immigration (from the countries which, by they way, live through the same falling fertility curves).
If this reasoning still doesn't convice you, consider how hellish your own personal life is going be without grandchildren to take care of you. Western nursery homes staffed by min-wage workers speaking another language are not the place I'd wish for anyone to live in, but it's a de-facto place where grandparents of middle-class families are left to experience their final years.
In any case, I urge the readers to open the mentioned curves and statistical data and do the math to come to their own conclusion.
It's global ecosystem collapse: grandparents, and eventually parents, will gladly die so that the children can eat.
There is no point in having savings or a pension, because the system that connects money to value is a dead man walking.
I live in The Netherlands and I have a child. I'm trying to figure out how to waterproof the bottom half of my house.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o5AoMNF7dnE
I'm currently making a little less than you but working 20 hour weeks. It's amazing, and I spend the rest of my time usually working on side projects I hope to monetize one day. Since September I've just been traveling with my wife.
I'm very happy doing that. So my suggestion is find part time work even if it means a pay cut off you want to optimize for personal satisfaction.
The nice things about academia are that if you're not on the tenure track, you don't have to spin your wheels trying to publish or perish, you get to meet and talk to a lot of intelligent people outside of your field, and they often have a decent work-life balance. The downsides are that you're not going to be working with the newest tech, people sometimes poo poo what you do/there are a lot of status games, and it's SLOW.
It does not satisfy my programming itch, but I prefer for my tech projects to be on my own time and for play.
I vaguely remember hearing that it's actually illegal for your boss to deny this without some good reason, but I suppose it might not be that hard to come up with some excuse either.
Sometimes jobs have a minimum number of hours per week posted, but most of the time it's simply part of the benefits negotiation. Paid days off per year, public transport pass, salary amount, how many hours per week, IP of any open source projects I work on, it's just part of what I talk about when negotiating my contract. And it doesn't have to be at the beginning of your employment.
Basically look for - autonomy - meaningful goal - good coworkers
what do you need to do to be happy is better.
what do you need to do to not be sad is best.
then what work should be becomes obvious.
Specifically: https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Maslow's_hierarchy_of_needs
Below 10h a week on average.
I haven't set an alarm for years anymore and sleep 9h a night
That made me quite happy.
I did it mostly by lowering my costs of living.
I've also found that just directly making myself happy, by following urges and wishes, is a local maxima. I get a lot higher peaks of happiness by helping others. Thus a great factor in improving my overall happiness has been spending a bunch of that freed up time on altruistic work. Usually unpaid, just wanting to help others with those same skills that allow me to spend so little time working on my career.
Personally, I am also not great at telling when I'm stressed. So I've learned to look for obvious correlates. As an example, I am normally the sort of person who spends change. That is, I generally don't have more than $1 of coins, as I use them to make purchases. But when I'm stressed or depressed, I'm less likely to take the time to count out change, so I end up with an increasing number of coins on my dresser. That's a sign to me to ask what's wrong.
Also useful to me has been tracking the number of steps per week. I have a Garmin running watch I never take off. If I'm stressed, I'll become more sedentary. That's not just bad for my long-term health; it also decreases my resilience in the face of stress.
These things sound small, but they're useful to me as clues to the bigger things in life. If these indicators tell me I'm not doing well, I'll go down a mental checklist of things that could contribute. Am I sleeping enough? Eating well? How much alcohol am I drinking? How much sunlight am I getting? How do I feel before starting work? After the first couple of hours of work? At the end of the day? How are the important relationships in my life?
With that mindset, you can turn it into a debugging problem. E.g., if being too sedentary is one hypothesis as to why you're not happy, there's lots to experiment with there.
This is a really nice distillation of the value of talking to a therapist. I really appreciate this comment.
Specifically, a therapist that cares about your condition long-term. I went through a bunch of therapy apps with very transactional therapy sessions which didn’t get my anywhere. I eventually found a therapist I visit in person a few times a month who has numerous multi-year patients. It’s been an entirely different, enlightening experience.
The answer is always the same, and will probably always the same: I am motivated by mastery and autonomy. Thus I put lots of time into finding work that is interesting and has a lot to dig into.
I routinely annoy the institutions I work for because status and titles do not work for me. They are empty pursuits that hinge too much on the fickle perceptions of other people who may not share my values. My dream is to work for myself making software customers love. I have made some small steps[1] toward that this year, but replacing my current income will need a lot of work on the side, and that’s fine.
I’m playing a game of sorts, where I have a job I really like that is challenging and fits my goals as an individual contributor, whilst also dabbling in learning to make and sell things on the side. Both pursuits support the other, and I don’t have to win at either in order to feel “justified.”
This is just one way to approach the job issue. There are a bunch of other good ways to tackle it!
1: https://apps.apple.com/us/app/audiowrangler/id1565701763?mt=...
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Self-determination_theory
It’s much harder to actually understand what makes you happy, and when your mind is deceiving you: you may not fully appreciate what you have to give up to achieve a certain goal.
Would you be able to elaborate how you realized that mastery and autonomy were the things that make you happy?
Stuff like virtual machines, interpreters, systems programming languages, Haskell, etc is all stuff I just wanted to know how it worked at one point, and I'd get sucked into more and more cool things to learn. I'm not a professional at all of those things (Haskell is a lifetime of learning) but I still enjoy them quite a bit, and have gotten a chance to use all of those professionally. Over time, they become competencies that are increasingly rare, so this has positive effects for future career choices.
Re: autonomy, I've always inferred this from my general attitude toward hierarchy, personality type, and watching myself across years and companies fail to be motivated at _all_ by the usual things that people seem to be motivated by. I feign interest in them and accrue enough of them to be reasonably autonomous, but I'm not going to be working weekends for months on end to beat other people at changing a word on my job title.
That's the type of thing that flows directly from knowing who I am. I don't need an upgraded title to hope to know who I am. I'm happy to receive it if it is given to me, but if it isn't; that's fine.
As a smaller example. I know we were all lied to that you just need to find what you love and then do that as a job. For me it just killed the enjoyment for one of my passions for years (video games). I enjoy them so much more since moving to general web dev.
I also used to love programming but 14 years of doing it as a day job has sucked most of the enjoyment out of it. Now it’s just a great career which is not too bad of an outcome.
A couple years ago I watched "Avatar: The Last Airbender" for the first time, having skipped its original run.
When Uncle Iroh says to Zuko, "You need to start asking yourself the important questions, like _who am I?_, and _what do I want?_" it kinda hit me.
I don't have much of an identity and I spend a lot of time bored and aimless because all I want is to be happy and one day retire, which isn't short-term or specific enough to get me through the weekends.
I still don't know what I want, and that kinda sucks.
It sounds like what you've liked in your previous jobs are the ability to learn, and that your current goals aren't scratching that itch. I'm the same way: If I'm not learning and challenging myself intellectually on a regular basis, I end up depressed. Which isn't something society is very well set up for in my experience.
There are a couple of ways to proceed:
1.) Try to focus on career paths that allow you to learn/be happy. Going into research, returning to working at startups and accepting the stability limitations, etc. To do this, you want to look for positions where you learning directly helps the company. That way your interests are aligned.
2.) Decouple your intellectual life/happiness from your career path; whether this is possible depends on how much work demands from you. This is mostly what I do: I only work 20-30 hours a week in a non-tech job, so I have time to build terrible tech projects in my spare time + no pressure to learn or build for the sake of my career. I can just do whatever I want. It's very freeing, but of course, this has its downsides as well: I'm not well integrated into the tech community, for example.
Also consider that some of the stress may stem from your reliance on your career as well: Any situation where a single mistake/firing has devastating consequences results in stress. Minimizing this would involve building incomes, networks, etc. so you have a safety net.
Sedentarism, I can't help you, I'm reading the advice along with you, but that's my advice for happiness as somebody who prioritized doing work I like + makes the world better over money.
How’s your marriage? How are your parents doing? Your kids? Who are some of your best friends?
How often are you physically active? Do you often go for walks, or play tennis, or garden?
How well are you sleeping? Do you love your mattress?
Any habits you’ve struggled to kick lately? Conversely, any hobbies you’ve really gotten into?
Personally, I’ve always noticed my personal happiness correlating MUCH more closely with the above than with work. If work isn’t it, you may want to consider some other angles.
I'm stressed almost all the time. Won't go into the details, just the management sucks big way.
Long story short, after work (including weekends) I'm so tired that I need a lot of totally lazy time. I strive for activities which are the least engaging. Even when I waste my spare time playing games, I'm looking for games that don't need much attention and are easy to play. With one hand only, if possible.
In November, I was on paid leave for 3 weeks. First I got a nasty infection, and just after that I somehow strained my back.
From the perspective, I don't believe how much stuff I got done during this time. Among others, I designed a board game about off-road driving that I had been thinking about for a long time; I was programming a lot (it's just a hobby for me, I don't work in IT); I kinda reconnected with a brother I hadn't spoken to in a long time... Had time to cook, had energy to clean flat thoroughly.
And all that being sick and having back pain. And it was enough to not worry about job things.
It feels like I could do anything if I wasn't so stressed all the time.
edit: typo
Alternatively, I could go work as a CNC operator – I have experience as turner / miller. That's worse pay and usually three-shift or four-crew work.
I tried to retrain. Got some online testing experience, and ISTQB FL papers. Didn't work out.
I'm going to set up a small CNC shop in the near future (2-3 months) – I'm working on it for half a year already and it's close.
Probably I should talk to some kind of therapist instead of writing such posts on Hacker News – while I don't mind personal stories when I read them, then when I'm an author I feel it doesn't belong here.
I can see how it would feel weird venting in a forum like this. I think one of the benefits of a therapist is that you also develop a sort of relationship; they have a better grasp of your context and history over time and that allows for more targeted support than whatever offhand/generic wisdom people on a forum might provide.
Although I suppose that raises the point that part of solving these issues is learning to put my wellbeing above my employer's problems.
I think that's true for me, too. While the work organisation and environment is simply bad, I believe that the large part of harm is self-inducted in my case. Changing workplace would definitely help, but I definitely need to work on the underlying personal issues. I think about some kind of therapy to worry less...
I kind of trained myself to worry less. But the work-related stress is stronger, so in the end I care less for some important personal things, and I'm still frustrated with work.
> How have you found things since going back after the 3 weeks?
I felt much better... for around a week. When I went back after 3 weeks, I had a clean slate. Some topics were taken over and completed by colleagues, while others were not taken over and there was nothing to save.
But after that? It returned to "normal" state of being tired and stressed. That's not only my issue – it's a small company, and we all are overworked. Physically, we are unable to meet production deadlines, answer all emails, prepare all projects. That's just how it works. So after two weeks, I was sinking in emails, had to deal with calls from angry clients, etc.
In the past I once did an ACT therapy. It was focused on making me experience (feeling my body's response, not experiencing intellectually) the difference between different approaches to work and dealing with problems (of whatever kind).
Through it I've learnt to gauge my bodies response better, which helps with "emptying the bucket prematurely" when it comes to stress-buildup. Often the signs are there in early stages, but you're not yet aware of them.
I just don't have any intention to fix it, because the fixes look difficult.
I certainly get anxiety especially when unpracticed in the subtleties of forming meaningful connections, so I understand what's likely holding you back. But I think it's likely important to realize your rationalization here doesn't make a lot of sense.
It has everything to do with how well you understand yourself and can manage your mind.
Unfortunately, people are always looking for prescriptions for happiness, and ignoring this simple fact.
I truly enjoy working in tech, but not on every project. At first I was worried that I wouldn't find enough new projects, but now looking back, I never had much downtime after I started being much more selective. It's just that instead of SQL / Excel stuff, I now work on real time audio video processing, AI and robotics. And that makes me happy :)
Plus recently, a friend and me have been wasting a lot of time on the Gocoder Bomberland competition. Both the social aspect and the immediate feedback of video game development make that really enjoyable.
Now the problem is how to do that.
I've done some IT support but this basically comes down to reinstalling Windows a bunch of times (e.g. after ransomware) or telling people they should, after ten years, really be upgrading to a new computer (for which they don't have money) rather than trying to get me to fix it up. Wasn't that fulfilling and the pay is pretty mediocre even for student standards.
I'm good at two foreign languages, perhaps I could teach people that?
Or rather do volunteering part-time? Question would be what to do, but not getting paid would probably make it easier to broaden the scope beyond specific competencies.
How to go about the actual execution without a huge pay cut is where I think advice would be most helpful.
I dont know what it is, but its not your career. Youre telling it yourself, youve been doing everything right.
Perhaps, that's the big thing to solve. Being attention/recognition dependants doesn't look like being a good professional.
Simply follow things along those lines. Pay attention to your vocabulary: __all__, special, good professional, ive been doing everything right, etc. Thats how you do basic psychology. Youre subconscious is talking, just listen :) hope that helps
My take on this is, one has to find an exercise form that is (un)pleasant enough to engage in long-term. For me it's biking and mostly bodyweight exercise in my improvised home gym.
It's really worth it every time I do it, and I do it just 2-3 times a week.
Sorry if it came across like that, this is not what I meant. It's just about going to the gym specifically, and daily to boot, not about being fit in general.
So, the office?
If it doesn't work for you, fine, but the gym is a great place to go. Stop discouraging people because you don't like it or having a single goal (physical fitness) is bad.
> having a single goal (physical fitness) is bad
What part of my comment gave you that notion? I should edit this because it's absolutely not what I meant (a sibling comment also commented as if I said getting fit has no benefits).
I will share my anecdote with you.
I did light jogging and weights in the gym, 3x a week. Then in 2020, the gyms shut down. COVID was raging throughout my country. I stayed at home all day and worked from home.
I struggled with work ever day. I felt work was too hard. Not being in the office and not being able to whiteboard with teammates felt like a rapid change i didnt know how to handle.
My stress and anxiety shot up to an all time high. I would work from 9am-6pm, keep thinking of work into the night, and feel tired, exhausted.
I was desperate to get some sense of my former life back. I started ordering food on Uber Eats and Door dash for comfort.
I tried eating healthier options, but my weight ballooned by 20lbs. I went from being able to do 30 push ups in one set to not being able to do 3 push ups.
This year, I rejoined a gym. I started going 5 days a week, even if it meant just sitting idle for 15 minutes of my 35 minute work out.
I not only lost a bunch of the weight, I got much stronger. I learned to realize when I was feeling anxious or stressed, and my exercise actually helped me overcome it. Regardless of the work situation or tight deadlines, I wouldn’t skip the gym. I wouldn’t skip meals anymore. I’d drink lots of water.
Now - my health comes first. And for the most part, I’ve gained more peoples respect in my professional life. My company didn’t lose any money because I started valuing myself as a person. My company didn’t fire me either.
Some days I’ll run in the woods near my home but that’s not so enjoyable in the winter.
Everyone struggles. Sometimes they are miserable, bored, frustrated, burned out, overwhelmed, confused, tired, etc. no matter what career you choose, how lucky or skilled you are.
This is not to say that attempts to improve are futile, but it’s better to dispel the illusion that career heaven exists, so we have a sober and liberating experience when dealing with its challenges.
Don't ask for anything, especially not happiness, from your "career". I put it in quotes because it's conceptually bankrupt.
https://www.roystonguest.com/blog/why-happiness-is-not-a-des...
Fulfillment follows from meaning, and meaning flows from responsibilities we bear.
why take on responsibility through having children? Why not pickup any other type of responsibilty? like, community service, tutoring/helping kids from less fortunate places or in the worst case even Picking up more responsibility from work?
Is it more of a genetic thing where it makes the pain of responsibility more pleasurable?
I'm even more curious to know if you think it could be some form of "endowment bias" that could be happening. From an objective standpoint, of course.
I would feel so much more limited and bounded in what I can do in the world, because my own financial future and my own mortality would be way more relevant with dependents.
That said, I didn't have my first kid until my late 30s and every thing I did prior to that seems like a pointless waste of time now. YMMV.
When you start talking about how they could have done literally all of those things by adopting any one of the bajillion kids that need it, most people will openly tell you that they would never consider it and don't feel even slightly hypocritical about it.
Is responsibility painful?
And yes, having skin in the game doesn’t automatically make things better. It actually introduces potential to make things more painful, in case things go wrong. But it also increases the ceiling on what you can get out of it, not just increasing the ceiling on what you can lose. Which basically makes things feel more meaningful and rewarding.
To be blunt, assume that the smartest psychologists in the world still don't really understand more than 20% of human behavior or how we think.
Those are the experts, then it's a given that you and I only understand about 20% of what they understand, so 4%.
Assume that all of your reasoning above is based on incorrect assumptions, but that a lot of people become parents and a lot of parents are glad they've become parents and say that this has enriched their lives -- despite this being a grueling experience for years at a time.
There's something incredibly complex going on there and you can not simplify it to an algorithm.
It's possible that they're all hallucinating about it though.
Lastly, just because, think about how little we knew, in general, in 1700, 1800 and 1900. Why do you think that 2021 is any different?
I doubt there is a absolute answer. You either want it, or you don't. Or you are not sure and then it might just happen one day and then, "well, let's go with it". Despite not having perfect conditions.
I think I wanted to have kids at around your age, but was clear, to wait until I could provide a adequate perfect base. And then years later it just happened, before me being ready and the responsibility for sure was and is very intense. But mostly of a good kind.
That said, when I look back at how I was using that freedom and time, it wasn't very efficient, but even if I optimized my use of it, I would have reached a local maximum of happiness, because I think there's only so much happiness one can bring onto themselves by mastery, shipping products and having hobbies, and, in order to experience additional happiness, major external factors must influence your life.
Having children is that external factor that initially introduced a ton of responsibility and cost (monetary, health, mental and time), but, if the early data points are any indication, the maximum happiness level should exceed the previous local maximum by an order of magnitude. The instant happiness I experience right now just from interacting with them already makes the responsibility worthwhile.
With time, I expect to get back some of the previous freedom and time, and, with that, the happiness it brings me, which should be an additive operation, pushing the overall happiness to a much higher level than the previous local maximum.
Kids take up so much time that I often wonder why -> how did I spend time before kids -> why am I not that much less productive now -> awww -> everything’s gonna be all right.
But that being said it’s absolutely okay to not want kids and be extremely happy with your life. If only there was a shareware parenthood.
For data points, while I’m tired as fuck all year I’ve never (maybe as a child) smiled so much as when my new infant tries to constantly get my attention and then giggles when she does.
The other day I was flicking through my notepad in my home office and found hand written notes from my 6 year old daughter saying how much she loved me. Yes kids are a massive responsibility, but the payback you get if you do it right is immeasurable.
I'm not sure you'd get quite the same from the things you listed, perhaps a little...?
Anyway what is suggest is you enjoy your 20s, but make sure you are in a position to have kids by your early 30s... Otherwise it may be too late for your other half (women's clocks do tick rather fast). If you wait until she is 40 then you are really risking it.
However, it's very humane to bring to other people's attention that their prospective children might not be healthy.
No.
> and suddenly leave you grieving in a way you'd never be
And we should consider that when deciding to enter a relationship.
35 is roughly the cutoff for "everything's going to be fine without much effort or thinking", so plan ahead.
That's when you're going to start getting help from fertility doctors, consider IVF, get test results showing that your own sperm's motility is not perfect (i.e. you've got a clock too), higher chances of Down syndrome, etc.
For some folks that's not a lot of time to get married, buy a house, a car, get a stable job and bring your financial situation in order. These aren't strict requirements, but the amount of stress involved when one of them is missing is something you'll have to handle, so at the very least you and your partner shouldn't be completely oblivious of the soft deadline at 35.
The note from your daughter, while sweet, can also come from those you help. For example, sponsoring a childrens school in India, or mentoring an orphan through a Big Brother program.
I think the main point here is you are in service by helping others, instead of focusing on yourself.
I imagine it’d be incredibly fulfilling to know that you helped coach a troubled youth through a turbulent period to land in a good place.
This resonated with me; I am yet to experience the lows because my kids are still young - the highs are just unparalleled. The happiness and calm I feel from having my son putting his head on my shoulders listening to bedtime stories is unmatched by anything else going on in my life.
I say this as someone who does not have kids and has no plan to have kids as I don't care to pay the immense costs required, so maybe I shouldn't even be replying to this, but I tend to see the same sorts of replies to these sorts of questions which I think put a bit of extra gloss that obfuscates the true motivators a bit.
I’m not trying in any way to change your mind but I want to say that this is only an opinion.
If you are ready to have kids, those costs are pretty easy to support. As you said, you are biologically programmed to support them (the costs).
I would die without a fear if my son’s life depended on it, and still I’m far from suicidal.
It’s just that, your brain naturally accepts the costs. Even if we are only talking about not being able to go that random party you would never miss before. You will be annoyed, for sure, but you’ll be granted with what you’ll live instead.
But I do think there is something that triggers in your brain starting from the moment when you want a child and it looks like it’s lasting a lifetime.
However, I would never recommend having children to anyone who don’t want them for any reason. Chances are that it turns out to be nice. But I wouldn’t take the risk. I see a lot of children whose treatment by their parents makes me really sad for them. The last thing a toddler want is to feel like a burden. So, better not create yourself this burden.
I want my life to be my own, thus the costs are not worth it to me. If I had a kid tomorrow of course that equation would change and it would be in my best interest to rationalize all costs in service of the child, and surely I would and suddenly they would be "worth it." I do not view this as an argument in favor of having children, rather I view it as a a specific detail of the biological programming working its magic.
I'm not a never-kid person either. I am open to the idea that one day I may decide the costs are indeed worth it and seek to have children. I think that seems unlikely, but part of the freedom of designing my own life is having the space for my preferences to change, and I could envision a world in which I would be happy as a parent. It would not be in a nuclear family as is common in the west, but that is perhaps for another discussion.
There's a big percentage of parents that have some form of post-partum depression (a quick search offers something between 10% to 20%)
When you have a kid, seeing them smile and grow and all thi gs they do gives the happiness you might have never felt before. Closest thing you could compare it to might be when you create something (a painting, project etc) and in the process each small accomplishment gives you a spike of happiness. Here it's a kid who cries for a need, and then you solve that need and make him smile. You make a human smile who can't even tell you what's there problem and make them feel protected enough that they sleep without a care in the world. There is lots of fulfillment steps in the whole process.
That's the best I can explain what it is about.
Let me add the disclaimer that of course some adult parent-child relationships are terrible and off-putting. My point is to seek out a perspective which is not too short-sighted regarding procreation.
Your body is tuned for that and without it you lack something (way more true for females). You might be able to put something in its place, but it might not do the job.
Consider that when a men is in presence of youngs kids his hormonal balance change so he become more caring, more in tune to their needs. When they get older that phase out and the kids become more annoying, signaling that it’s time for them to find their way, to distantiate themselves progressively from their parents. I found out that I cannot stand anymore the kids movie I used to watch with them multiple times when they were younger.
I find also that the life in big cities is less conducive to having a family, we tend to think about the space we have (bedrooms) and size of cars to decide on family size where it should go in the other direction. If I was younger I would have move to the country sooner and have four kids instead of just two.
I think it give your life meaning to care for people that are going to outlive you. You have to think about their future, how can you help them develop in a good directions, what are their specifics needs to maximize their potential, what did you wish was done for you that you can pass on to them.
Female are more tuned to the need for kids. Most of the time they will know the right time and will push enough to make things happen.
So just because you’re ‘able’ doesn’t mean that you should. Just wanted to put this here in case others think they’re weird for really, really not wanting kids. You’re not.
Having kids is by far the most life constraining thing you can do. Don’t do it unless you want to be a parent! I have two kids and my life is unrecognizable from what it was before. I enjoy my new life but it is 85% dad, 15% old me.
I would recommend the general area of making sacrifices and servicing others in some form. I think that is a big part of the “spiritual” fulfillment of parenting. I used to be so much more self centered. But now I get up every day thinking how to make the lives of my kids and the world better, rather than “what would my lizard brain enjoy today “
This is the key insight. No matter how much dopamine you shovel onto your lizard brain, it will just adapt to it and demand more. There is no maximum speed on the hedonic treadmill. Serving others is the polar opposite of that, you sacrifice the things that would provide you with an immediate reward and the reward you get has nothing to do with satisfying a want. The only way I can describe it is you are only aware of it when it's not there, when you're not doing the right thing by someone, it feels like an absence of something expected. Like putting your hand in your pocket and finding nothing where something should be.
I don't think it's a good idea to make more humans right now, because they will not have a very good life.
Fulfillment must be discoverable outside of that specific path, otherwise it’s cruel to bring someone into existence as a means for your end.
Going all-in on one area of your life is not a good bet.
I know because I've tried.
I will say that the overall concept of a "successful career" that is pushed is very, very overrated. You get the sense it is a message meant for a specific type of person that needs that void filled, and it is sent by that same type of person. To which I say: don't be that person, so you're not unduly manipulated by the messaging.
Can you please elaborate?
There are many food banks and code for america (and other country equivalents) that can use your help to impact your community.
Even if I quit my job, lived off savings and did volunteer work full-time, I'm likely not going to run into many other people like that. I could start taking a more active role and organizing, maybe with other full-time volunteers.
The work I'm doing while volunteering is also generally likely going to be less interesting to me than the software engineering work at a tech company. Maybe I'd be doing some kind of software engineering work full-time at a non-profit.
But at that point I've just traded in my job at a tech company with one at a non-profit. Ignoring whether this is better for the world overall (I'm skeptical it is, but whatever), how is it better for me?
edit: Not to imply that for some people, full-time work at a volunteer or non-profit organization can't be fulfilling, but I'm very skeptical that this is the case for most, or even many people.
Seems like he's prioritizing something other than career at the moment?
MIT/Apache/BSD it, IMO.
Permissive licenses are equivalent to unpaid labor in the eyes of SaaS companies and other freeloaders.
> Permissive licenses are equivalent to unpaid labor in the eyes of SaaS companies and other freeloaders.
Is a way to unhappiness. I MIT/BSD stuff and no worry about who uses it and how much money they make. The attitude above is like given to poor people at the sour kitchen and then getting angry if they make it out of poverty, become successful, and don't follow in your foot steps. What they do after I've given them the soup is irrelevant.
If I want to build a community of people who upstream patches for a project, copyleft does it better than saying patches are not required.
MIT is like a soup kitchen because soup kitchens are like MIT. I don't want to work in a soup kitchen.
I'm confident that you can't back that up with any facts. MIT/BSD projects are doing just fine at community and patches.
Absolutely not. A correct comparison is volunteering at a soup kitchen while see someone hoards the food and sells it back to homeless people and pockets all the profit.
And sometimes even takes credit for the quality of the food.
> Permissive licenses are equivalent to unpaid labor in the eyes of SaaS companies and other freeloaders.
Or... you could be less resentful (and therefore happy) and think about helping the 'small guy' make it out and compete with large companies. I sometimes forget that we're on a startup tech forum.
I know you're not saying this, but in general I am fed up with the idea that anything commerical == evil. How the hell is it evil to build something, improve the world, provide value to others and get paid to put food on the table for your family? If you were to survey people that work in private companies, they're just like you and I. Normal people. They have not a shred of evil in them.
That said, ethics is important. I’m down with shaming and naming (or sueing) anyone that violates T&C of a license, GPL or BSD, doesn’t matter.
The small guy is free and very welcome to use GPLed code.
> I know you're not saying this, but in general I am fed up with the idea that anything commerical == evil.
Yes, I'm not saying this. On the contrary, I have bills to pay and I'm paid to develop software. One reason more not to give away gifts to freeloaders.
> That said, ethics is important.
And yet you also said "you could be less resentful"...
There are endless things to engage and challenge your body and mind. Enjoying these activities with friends gives me the most joy. My job is just a crutch to support that.
COVID had a huge impact on all of those though.
One gem from the field: If Money Doesn't Make You Happy Then You Probably Aren't Spending It Right [0].
Great books from the field: Stumbling on Happiness by Daniel Gilbert [1] and The How of Happiness by Sonja Lyubomirsky [2]
[0] https://scholar.harvard.edu/files/danielgilbert/files/if-mon...
[1] https://www.amazon.com/Stumbling-Happiness-Daniel-Gilbert/dp...
[2] https://www.amazon.com/How-Happiness-Approach-Getting-Life/d...
- Competence (work on something that demands skill and attention from you)
- Autonomy (be able to determine what you'll be working on next)
- Relatedness (feel like your work is contributing to a greater whole - helping others)
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Self-determination_theory
It’s important to not hate your job or be in a toxic environment, but work should not be the locus of your happiness.
If you don’t have a hobby try and find one you like!
For me learning to appreciate beauty in the small things (even something simple like a pleasant interaction with a cashier or watering my garden) helped me gain a new outlook on life.
that's perhaps a bit of a drastic swing.
+ Hedonic adaption: Hedonic adaption is special psychological effects that explains about how we perceive about happiness. Even after a big happy moment, our level of happiness do down quickly. We adapt our perception to our current situations. So it's like nothing will last forever. Hedonic adaption is both good and bad. It makes us adapt quickly with any situations. It keeps us safe. So we should appreciate it and learn how to make use of this effect rather than blaming it. Learns to attend with everything you do even it's bad, explore something news. It will help you deal with bad effects of hedonic adaptation.
+ Mindfulness: Do some mindfulness exercise. We feel stress because our mind think we're having problems. Our mind made up our feelings to keep us safe [7]. It's good for us. Mindfulness help us understand more about feeling and more enjoy the moment.
+ Mind body connection: Your health affects your mental, and your mental will affect your health. To me, it's not because some spiritual belief, but it's how systems work [3] [4]. Our body, our mind are systems. They are part of bigger system. They connect each others and interact with each other, sending some feedback. So try to improve both your health and your mental. Try to improve your health diet, do exercises and taking care of our thoughts and feelings.
+ We aren't rational. Our thinking system is optimal but it has limitations [3]. It has a lot of problems (cognitive biases). Learn to appreciate and find a way to make it better. For example, we can adapt. We update our belief overtime. Try to make new better habits[5]. Make small steps.
+ There isn't perfect things. Every systems aren't perfect. Our immune system, our cognitive system, organizations, data structures, design patterns,... Appreciate what works, what not and improve it.
Some interesting books, articles you might interest:
[1] https://www.plantinghappiness.co.uk/hedonic-adaptation/
[2] https://www.amazon.com/Thinking-Fast-Slow-Daniel-Kahneman/dp...
[3] https://www.amazon.com/Thinking-Systems-Donella-H-Meadows/dp...
[4] https://www.amazon.com/Mindbody-Prescription-Healing-Body-Pa...
[5] https://jamesclear.com/atomic-habits
[6] https://www.coursera.org/learn/the-science-of-well-being
[7] https://www.amazon.com/Wisdom-Insecurity-Message-Age-Anxiety...