Ask HN: How did you move on from past experiences?
I recently put an end to a drawn-out and stressful chapter of my life. It lasted many years and I'd like to get a sense of closure. Yet I can't seem to fully rekindle the same energy of my younger self. I've bought a couple of books to celebrate, but I haven't opened them yet because I don't want to taint them with past memories, if it makes sense.
How did you close the previous chapters of your life? It may sound strange but I almost feel I have to ask for permission to move on. Like it's not real unless I share it with someone else.
163 comments
[ 3.6 ms ] story [ 256 ms ] threadPlus, there's a hack: changing your geographic frame of reference really helps. If you can afford it and are not too attached to where you're living -- and especially if you kind of hate where you're living -- just pick up and move. Ideally to a different climate, perhaps with a different accent or a different language altogether.
At least for a while -- 6 months to a year.
You see your brain is hardwired to 'index' new memories based on sensory cues -- light, colors, smells, sounds... and especially new faces. When these stimuli change, and especially when they all change at once -- it's like our brain opens up a whole new space to operate, and to start organizing all of these new memories and experiences in.
Like turning the page and starting a whole new chapter, as it were.
But after we moved to a different country she is a completely new person.
And the geographic hack is great advice. I moved to a new city following a breakup a few years back and it did wonders for my mental health.
I also recommend journaling: Getting thoughts out of your head and onto a page can provide a sense of closure.
1) allowed myself to invest and finish a project that had special meaning to me since before the trauma;
2) Got a new dog, learned how to train her as a service dog, and put in the work to get that completed. BONUS: I now have a trained service dog that I love, can take everywhere, and is truly man's best friend.
3) Started small projects which involved my loved ones, which helped me bond and create new memories with each one individually.
Hope this helps. The most important thing is to keep on keeping on. Never give up.
But seriously, I first started researching online how people trained their dogs for obedience and to do simple tasks. Read a couple of books on the subject, signed up for an online class (COVID lockdowns and all), watched tons of Youtube videos, which were more informative and way more practical than the classes and books and practiced a lot with my Dog. She picked up really fast and within a couple of months I had her doing some serious obedience tasks. I would say she and I learned together ;) After that, I amped up the work consistency and focused on the specific task she needed to do in my case to become a service dog. Now with that said I want to plug something here, there's a group called STSK9 that has an outstanding online dog training university. I found them way down in my path and I still may register since I love what they are doing to help teach people how to train dogs and from what see on their site + social media interactions their students and dogs get the best in the biz. Link to their site https://www.stsk9.com/
As one option, look into professional house-sitting (common in US, not sure elsewhere). Essentially, people with high end homes, who are going to be away for a period, who want someone they can trust not to wreck the place to just be there.
But essentially, just live somewhere else for a minute. For me it takes about 5 days to start living instead of visiting.
After my mother's cancer diagnosis, when treatment was in progress but surgery still scheduled some time away, and I had a job I hated, with co-workers whose morals I didn't share... I spent a few weeks in Japan and Thailand. (Mostly paid by reward points, long saved)
It was amazing how refreshing my view on my own life was, from a different vantage point.
When I got back, I quit the job, took some time off with the aid of savings, and spent time with my mom through her treatment. I'm not sure I would have realized that was the right path without the distance. (And it finally resulted in one of the best jobs of my career)
Can't offer any details, but this [0] seems to have a range of links and the basics. I gather it's something like Airbnb, but in reverse (homeowners looking for quality person). I imagine it's mostly person and reputation based (e.g. I present as a responsible professional + here are some expensive houses I have been entrusted successfully with).
If you know any real estate agents, you can also ask them where they find temporary placements (i.e. home currently on the market, which are usually paid) as a "resume" starter. But I imagine you'd probably be looking for non-real-estate listings long term. As they usually those require you to be available on short notice to vacate for people to walk through.
And the bigger points are (1) must be flexible in "finding somewhere else" or "vacating within a few months" & (2) be able to live in a place with a light touch (no parties, destructive living, pets, etc.).
[0] https://estatesitting.com/long-term-house-sitter/
Thanks for saying this. I was stuck and faced my problems head-on for years in therapy (and every day life). More than one therapist I saw for an extended period of time really drove home the point that the "geographical cure" doesn't work because you just bring your problems with you.
But that's an incredibly myopic view. After finally breaking up with those therapists/asshats, I went through a period of being nomadic and then settled elsewhere. Some of my problems went away immediately, some came with me, others appeared. But I was more able to separate myself from my context, process difficult emotions with distance from the triggers, receive the gifts of a new place and its culture, see how different people live/struggle elsewhere.
I don't think there's any other way I could have turned my trajectory around.
But for every set of problems S₁ ... there's a secondary set S₂ that consists basically of "thinking too damn much about S₁" along with a heaping portion of "why me, why me, why me?". The growth of which starts to take on a life of its own, and to greatly leverage the suffering that S₁ would otherwise cause on its own.
So part of the basic healing mechanism of the change-of-coordinates approach is that, while it doesn't reduce the size of S₁ directly ... it does help reduce the run-away swelling of S₂ very substantially. Which allows slow-acting but powerful natural healing factors (the passage of time, as a sibling commenter point out) to focus much better on S₁.
Until one day, you're going about your business ... and you realize you haven't thought about S₁ in a while. Not just for a couple of hours, but for a like a full day or more. That's when you start to realize that it's at least possible to move on.
Things didn't really start to improve until I started going to therapy about five years later. I had actually moved back to Chicago by that point.
I mean, it got to the point that it was so hectic (though not necessarily bad) that I had to abandon everything and go live with my family for a while so I can decompress. As it happened, a month after staying at my parents and Covid became a thing.
I did a few changes like moving to Norway in the meantime, but all in all I have used this period to just do normal things and not worry about what happened in the past. And I can relate to this feeling of your "younger self", but I can say from experience that this "younger self" will eventually have to become more centered and mature.
And I think that also helps to weave through life later on, because you learn to let go of pressure of what was or what could be. It's the present where all the action - or inaction - happens.
We usually experience grief alongside death, but it is a feeling that can accompany many kinds loss — a breakup with a friend, or moving away from an old way of life.
Labels don’t fix everything, but there have been times in my life where recognising hidden grief has been a helpful first step to recovery.
At the end of the day, those that are close to me tell me it was the right choice and I do feel like it was to get out of a hostile job that up until the last few years I truly loved. The loss of some of my closest coworkers has been hard — but connecting more with my family has been lovely and made me realize how much I was missing in the pursuit of “work.”
I'm glad that you found a silver lining in your terrible experience by connecting more with your family. Unhealthy workplaces really tend to distort our priorities in life.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Moral_injury
It's traumatic to be hurt by people, but devastating to hurt others or believe you hurt others, particularly if you were driven to do it by group dynamics. (Nothing hurts more than being part of a network of wrongdoers, part of the problem is not knowing if the locus is inside or outside yourself.)
Last year I was involved in something almost indescribable, probably the best description is that I am rewiring myself to increase my ability to emotionally communicate with and charm people.
Many things went right and wrong, but after charming many members of a group I said something really hurtful to one member.
It's funny because I sometimes do a good job of telling stories and sometimes I don't. Sometimes I tell the punch line of a joke before the set-up.
This time I succeeded, I wove together several threads to tell a powerful story about my own pain and loss, another person's suffering, and the related problems in a wider community. The effect on the other person was almost like a physical impact and that person hasn't talked to me since.
I feel bad about hurting that person also feel bad because this mistake and a string of similar mistakes of lesser magnitude caused my self-interested plans to fail not just in a specific way (with that particular group), but in a generic way (would have failed with any group and any goal.)
In the process of refreshing my practice it realized I hadn't ensorcelled anyone since that day. I'd left my power behind at that incident. Even though it will be hard to open a dialogue with that person I have to apologize and make amends because I need my power back.
Sometimes though my hostility leaks out and gets me in trouble. I have a chart that looks something like
at 100 I start to think about wanting to make people suffer and I am in danger of "losing my shit". I learned in the last few months that if I flooded myself with feelings of sadness that I could avoid "losing my shit" near and slightly beyond the 100 threshold. This could be connecting with my own feelings of grief and loss (often another interpretation of what I am angry about) or if that doesn't flow that going to the war memorial and reading the names.I also discovered that after doing that I would talk to people about what was bothering me and get a much better response, people would really want to help me.
I didn't find this technique talked about much in the western literature but found out it was widely known hundreds of years ago in China that sadness suppresses anger and that fear promotes it. (It is fascinating to watch shows like Three Kingdoms where warriors, very tough and masculine men, regularly cry, both a few tears and uncontrollably.)
(Western literature does, of course, say that connecting with grief is healing. Also when I was taking acting lessons years ago I found that sadness was one of the strongest emotional preparations for me.)
These days though it is the other side of that scale that bothers me, enough that I am thinking how to redraw it. (maybe with a log scale) Below some point (say 30) the object of anger is not in the front of my consciousness but my resentment leaks out in insensitive, brutish and hostile actions that drive people away, such as the conversation I talked about.
What's difficult about that one is that it doesn't matter if I am 20% angry, 2% angry, even 0.02% angry. If I am resentful at all it leaks out in ways that have a negative impact on myself and others. To really reclaim my ability I need to get to 0% angry.
It's too easy to blame it on circumstances: there's agency in everything we do -- and responsibility about the consequences too, as you have discovered, so you can't take a cheap Schopenhauer exit ("Man can do what he wills but he cannot will what he wills") as most people generally dislike the sour feeling of guilt.
As for sadness, if it works for you, why not? What works work me is imagining the people I talk to (and myself) as kids - like when we were 8 and no serious bad thoughts were ever entertained.
I mean, most people would not hurt kids, even emotionally? Good! That's why it works so well :) Try tee the kid under the other person face, and you will have gained another valuable tool, maybe even more valuable as it will not require you to expose yourself to sadness, and it may even help you build connection. You can even use your charm powers for that: having a good time and helping another person have a good time through conversation is highly valuable by itself!
Then maybe the anger will go away once resentment is replaced by peace with your conscience and pride in your actions. Just saying.
I've had some very negative, strange experiences over the past few years (in my professional life) but somehow I feel that the learning experience might be worth it... I think you need to take certain lessons with a grain of salt though.
Forming new neurological pathways was a significant way of creating new memories which allowed me to move on much easier.
Godspeed on your journey.
https://news.yale.edu/2021/07/05/psychedelic-spurs-growth-ne...
Good luck with the rest of your life.
Those people living ideal lives don't exist; we all are flawed and wounded. We just don't know about it and many play a game of hiding it, as if we are in a competition to see who can appear more perfect. When I see someone present that way, I assume they are hiding more. Personally, I purposely avoid playing the game. Nobody is fooling anybody anyway, and maybe I can inspire someone by being more open about my problems.
The injuries and scars are human condition. I sometimes imagine they are like the parts chiseled out, as a sculpture would a block of stone. Those (non-existant) perfect people are an untounched block - there is nothing there.
* Dispassionately consider life in general and the circumstances that led to the chapter.
* Forgive those who did wrong. Pray specifically for the wrongdoers. This seems strange but is powerful.
* Confess and repent of non-positive inputs you offered.
* Note the Nietzschean effects of being more diamond-like for all the heat and pressure.
Accepting and integrating the past means approaching it neither through rumination nor through avoidance, but with as full awareness as possible and some distance and perspective. Learning whatever there is to learn. Making peace with whatever happened (and most importantly with yourself). Your past will forever be your past, you will never be able to change it, so better get comfortable with that.
Doing new things, living a new life, that's easier said than done, but can also be fun and empowering when you're ready. As the saying goes, today is the first day of the rest of your life. Exciting! But to avoid "contaminating" your future with your past, you really need to also accept and integrate that past. If you don't, the choices you make and patterns you establish might be dominated by that past experience.
Some people can do this all by themselves. Many don't. If you're not sure, assume that you are one of those people who can benefit from getting help and support from a qualified professional. Many people who did will report that this is one of the best investments they made in their lifetime.
My blanket approach is to get a hair cut (I do it rarely), take a few personal days to reflect (often trying to avoid speaking aloud entirely, so I can work on my inner dialog), cry a bit (if warranted) and have a few drinks a trusted friend. Cutting my hair is a way for me to mark a fresh start, so it's mostly just ceremonial.
Then try and find something to lift you out of your funk. Change career paths. Learn a new skill. Find something exciting.
My parents were murdered 16 years ago. I spent 10 years before I could adequately deal with this. CBT was incredibly beneficial once I found the right person, but it took a long time to find them.
The previous chapters of your life cannot be closed. They can only be learnt from.
Remember that life is short and you can waste a lot of it in a bad state.
Talk to friends, do memorable things, try to be a good person.
Do whatever works for you, and ignore negativity. Sport, learning, activism, religion? Whatever works.
Golden rule is don't harm yourself, and don't harm others.
In my experience it also was 10 years since I could handle similar situations. I have also heard this number from others often.
I'm not sure I'd call this moving on. More like learning how to cope, and be more resilient. The closure, if any, was I have what I need with myself and I don't need to get it from the people who hurt me. So I'm happy, all things considered.
Basically sharing this to say that even if 10 years seems to average out, our path through it will likely be quite different.
EMDR therapy helps process trauma for some.
A bit of sportslike ambition is never wrong, just don’t overdo it or take it too seriously.
I agree with your point about not harming yourself. After my first parent died, I tried to pretend like it never happened. I drank heavily to ignore the pain. Drinking affected my own physical and mental health. It was tough to break out of that cycle - it took about a year.
After my second parent died, I acknowledged the pain and tried to embrace the grief. I didn’t drink or take drugs - when a memory came to me, I just let it ride. That was a much healthier grieving experience.
I've always been curious, because while substance abuse hasn't been a feature of my life, I'm suspicious I have other outlets (that I'd like to recognize).
So what were the steps between (daily life stuff) and (I'm taking that first drink)? Resignation, sadness, boredom, lethargy, habit? Anything that I could watch out for in my own life? Any insight appreciated, and glad you feel healthier now.
It’s hard to put my finger on which feelings initiated the drinking. I think that, subconsciously, I wanted to end my day comfortably numb.
This is how I got there:
“I have been drinking all week, why stop today?”
“Why stop at one beer? I can handle another”
I would watch out for repeated resignations. That seems to have created my bad habit.
What worked for me a few years ago:
1. Drop any goals you have outside of work. One day at a time.
2. Allow for extended idle time. Allow yourself to just "be".
3. Do what feels right in this idle time, which in my case was:
I'm sure you already know this, but I'd like to say it explicitly to others that may find it helpful as well -> never forget that life is an infinite display of possibilities, as the saying goes, it ain't over 'til it's over.
You can always start from scratch, there will always be new people/places to try new things with and your past experiences do NOT necessarily define what your future will be like (this goes both ways, so be careful).
Some people make it through extremely harsh life events and, contrary to some dumb but widespread belief, don't come out of it by becoming permanently angry and resented. A big chunk of them become very sensitive and wise human beings, with a strong wish to help others going through similar grievances. Be open to accept their help and advice in times of need. It took me a while to understand this and neglecting it only made my hard times worse. We are a social animal and also remarkably similar to each other.
Best wishes to all on this new year's eve, I hope you get a chance to treat yourselves to a nice moment and company as we start our 2022 together! Cheers!
I had two painful periods of my life that lead to depressions. The first one I dealt with more or less on my own -- basically waiting it out. Eventually I got better and moved on but it took a while.
The second time I went to a therapist almost immediately and the duration was much shorter. More importantly, the therapist helped unpack a lot of stuff for me and gave me a lot of tools for dealing with events and their associated emotions. I think CBT would work particularly well for this crowd since a lot of it is reasoning based. The basic idea, to me at least, is that our emotional responses can be reasoned with or about. If others are like me, I think some of us might harbor mistaken notions that we are more rational than average and thus don't have any misguided tendencies or thinking. CBT was a revelation to me. I learned to better observe my own emotions and also my own "thinking traps", etc. It has helped me better "manage" myself and prevent me from letting events drag me into another depression.
Someone else mentioned forgiveness and that helped me a lot in my own recovery as well. Forgiveness can be applied to others and ourselves. It's ultimately a very enlightening practice.
Best of luck to the OP and others dealing with pain. Closing a chapter on life is very hard but it can also be liberating and a path to other great things in life.
Doing something that interests me. Haning out with new people. Basically trying to remove everything that reminds me of the previous chapter.
After some time I can go back and don't feel bad about it anymore.
Start by writing out these dreadful moments, with exacting detail. Look up dates. Talk about tones of voices. Where were you at? What was everyone wearing. Minute detail. What happened. What do you wish would have occurred differently?
You need to reconcile all of the details, so that your brain can appropriately lay them to rest and move forward.
The past authoring program may be of help.
"It would be particularly useful to complete the Past Authoring Program if you have memories that are more than about eighteen months old that still intrude upon your thoughts, or that still evoke emotion such as fear, regret, shame or confusion. If this is happening, it means that your mind has not yet been able to fully process your past experiences, and that the brain areas associated with negative emotion still regard the past events in question as unresolved threats. This is not good, because your brain reacts to unresolved threats with emergency physiological preparation, including the production of stress hormones such as cortisol that can be very toxic when chronically elevated"
https://www.selfauthoring.com/past-authoring