I'm 23, me and all my friends are alcoholic. I just can't have fun without alcohol. Been looking for solutions to replace alcohol to have fun but I couldn't. How do you have fun without alcohol? Thanks
In a social setting outside your house this isn't possible.
When I hear people ask about fun without alcohol it isn't that just drinking is fun for them but makes whatever they engage in during/after fun or more fun.
I don't like the taste of alcohol so I've never drunk. I really enjoy going to clubs and bars, though the culture here is different and people get buzzed but not shitfaced. I like talking to people, watching drunk people antics, listening to the music, etc.
These probably aren't things that will work for you, but they work for me, since you asked :P
Sorry, but no. Cutting ties is more important. If you look at any 12 step program, leaving the old life behind is vital. They need to find their own way.
EDIT: I should have said "most recovery programs" rather than specifying 12 step. Please ignore the 12 step part and realize that I'm advising staying away from the people who are part of the OP's problem.
Any 12 step program will likely also emphasize support from friends and family.
Cutting ties doesn't have to be all or nothing, and it doesn't have to be everyone in that group. If you and a friend are both serious about quitting alcohol, they might be your best ally in quitting.
12 step programs are a lie, they just isolate people, make them annihilate themselves all for the purpose of then assuming a higher power has to save them from themselves, after which they either fail or become converted to the religion that hosts the current incarnation of the program.
There is a minority of modified programs that don't do that, but the classic one is not that.
That said, if it 'works' for someone that's great, but if it is just replacing one thing with another, it's just a sidestep and not an improvement (except for bystanders who only 'see' things as a third party and because it 'looks' better they think it therefore must be better).
In addition, removing the source of the problem (i.e. friends that cause you to drink) can help, but not as a universal solution. If people have such a degree of control over your actions, it's going to be more than just the friends that drink that can cause the problem.
There are however, a whole lot of other options that are not religious conversion that have good (and measurable) results. As soon as someone recognises they have a problem they need help solving and actually want to solve it, that's when you can actually get somewhere.
This is true. You're probably not the only one who wants to quit drinking. I wouldn't view it as "saving" them, but otherwise yeah. If you lead people might follow.
In most groups I've seen, there's really only one person who is the heavy drinker, and they bring everyone else along.
This isn’t necessarily true. In college, I only drank very occasionally before I was 21. All of my friends drank. We still had a lot of fun. You don’t just sit around in a circle drinking.
I’m currently doing a dry January and I still go out with my friends. There’s plenty of tasty non-alcoholic beverages.
It depends how hammered the group is getting. If everyone is pacing so they are only slightly buzzed, it can still be fun for a sober person. If people are drinking to be drunk, as they tend to do in early 20s, then the sober person will not have so much fun after a couple hours once everyone else is inebriated.
As someone who doesn't drink, I've never minded when friends have a drink over dinner or bring a bottle to game night. But if folks keep pouring all night, there eventually comes a point where I leave early because staying there sober just isn't any fun. Some people often stop after a couple, and some people seldom do.
also the amount of fun is close to zero sum in life. that’s why kids can play with cardboard boxes and adults can’t figure out how to have any fun. reducing alcohol for a while will reduce fun, but then your threshold/sensitivity for what is enjoyable will increase, and the endorphins will return.
Once you can come to the point of not caring what others think of you when you're having fun you realise you don't need the alcohol/drugs. For instance, go dance on the dancefloor with the knowledge that most others are too busy worrying about how they look and are envious that you're enjoying the moment.
You don't need to completely remove alcohol, a good first step is to have 2 glasses/bottles over a binge session so you can feel more "socially integrated".
I realise this is easier said than done but it's an attainable mindset.
I’m 37 and stopped drink at 18 after I realised I didn’t really like it nor a lot of the people I hung around with. Other than a small drink at a wedding I’ve not had a drink in almost twenty years. Just isn’t for me.
To answer your question though I do all the normal stuff everyone else does just without the alcohol. I still went to the pub with new friends and colleagues. I just didn’t drink alcohol. Sure it was a bit odd at first, more so for others than me I think. But it soon became normal and I had just as much fun as I did before but without feeling crap the next morning.
You mention your friends are alcoholics. If that is true I would probably suggest finding new friends as it sounds like they’re just a big of an issue on your desensitisation of fun as alcohol is.
Don't look for things through the lenses of "alcohol free" - that will just make them all seem boring.
Look for activities that alcohol would get in the way of, and find something you like. Could be video games, sports / exercise, sex, reading, driving around, or other hobbies. To some extent, its harder work to find something that requires as little effort to be fun as just drinking, but there are lots of things you can't enjoy when drinking / drunk, so focus on those.
Give yourself permission to play. Get yourself in a goofy mindset (within socially acceptable reason - you don’t want to annoy your friends (too much)).
If anyone asks why you aren’t drinking just tell them you are just having fun (“goofing”). Internalize a story about yourself that let’s you play without needing alcohol.
I really enjoyed improv because that’s sort of how they led. People are stiff and need an excuse to be playful. Most use alcohol as permission but you don’t need to.
If your friends keep peer pressuring you to drink, consider changing what environment you guys are in as perhaps it’s the same old environment leading to the same old desires.
You should choose one or two active recreational activities and do them routinely. For example, soccer, rock climbing, golf, martial activities, running, biking, gym, whatever. You are more likely to meet friends through those activities who also enjoy doing the same non-alcohol activities as you.
Dating and sex also don't have to involve alcohol and are fun activities as well.
Better to get on these things now while you're 23, rather than 33 or 43.
By trying to quickly "replace" alcohol with something that delivers an equally satisfying feeling, you might be setting yourself up for failure, especially if you are really an alcoholic.
A more realistic first step would be to stop hanging out with your alcoholic friends, or at least trying to set very clear boundaries with them so that you avoid situations where you're encouraged or pressured to drink. This might not be possible, in which case you'll have to make some tough decisions about who you allow to stay in your life.
Either way, consider expanding your social circle to include people who don't drink. That group might include people who are sober or trying to achieve sobriety.
Once you're in the right environments and around the right people, it will be easier to find alcohol-free activities that you enjoy.
At 23? Just go do dumb stuff. Not like dumb dangerous, dumb inane. Go hang out at Walmart at 3am or go to a diner and play the game where you flip the little creamers? Just make fun out of simple things.
I didn't really drink at your age and that's what I did for fun.
The thing is: what else is fun for you? Gaming? Hiking? If you hang out with the same friends you’re going to do the same things. So it means finding new friends (not abandoning your old ones, but joining an additional circle of friends). Fortunately this is a lot easier at 23 than at, say, 33.
I don’t like to drink because it becomes boring. I do it for social reasons but I find I don’t enjoy myself with people who do it a lot.
If you are actually alcoholic, go get professional help. It’s a serious disease. If you use the term colloquially as a synonym for “drink too often” then just take a break from going out with that circle of friends to break the habit.
It sucks to say, but people who need to drink to have fun will always drag you along that path. It doesn't matter if it's a night on the town, or a board game night, they will always want booze around. Also, they will probably pressure you to drink, because that's what gives them permission to.
So find new people who don't drink. Do the normal things you would do, but without alcohol. It's still fun.
Meeting the people is the hard part I think. For that you probably need to find activities and events where booze won't be around. Find things you like to do sober, then find groups of people doing those things. Join game jams, or board game nights or take a martial arts class or a salsa dancing class or something.
This is absolutely horrible advice. Alienating yourself from all of your friends simply because you don't want to drink the same things as them is not a good idea.
If you don't want alcohol, then just don't drink it? I have been to many, many, many music festivals, parties, etc. and not drank anything. I can't imagine just exiling myself from all of my friends instead of simply not drinking something.
(Obviously if you have a medical condition or something, or a history of addiction, then this might not apply)
edit: there are many replies to me talking about addiction and accusing me of encouraging an addict to engage with their addiction. I'm not. I said it above, but if you have a history of addiction, or if this is an addiction problem, obviously this advice does not apply, and you should distance yourself from addicts.
OP explicitly calls his friends (and himself) an alcoholic. That implies a different dynamic than simply a group of friends who goes out and has a couple of drinks.
Finding a new group of friends in that sort of situation is absolutely the correct move. Addicts do not let other addicts quit.
It's probably more likely that OP is throwing around the term without a true appreciation for its meaning. Me and my friends get stupid drunk when were together on the weekend and I want to do other activities is very different than me and my friends all have 10+ drinks a day (top 10% of adult consumption).
Yes, but using the singular signals a non-native speaker, and this is reinforced by using "couldn't" rather than "haven't [been able to]" in the third sentence. I think GP is on to something.
I think you're reading too much into it there. Plenty of native speakers have far worse grammar and more questionable usage choices, especially the ones that are young and drunk.
The sentence sounded weird to me too and I interpreted it as a non-native english speaker simply saying their friends drank alcohol but where not alcoholics. OP should probably clarify.
In the context of 23 year-olds, I think it's safe to say that none of them are actual alcoholics, just that they drink A LOT, as many people at that age do.
How is that safe to say? There are plenty of 23-year-old alcoholics, having lost control over their alcohol consumption, in full-blown physical and/or psychological addiction. You don't have to age into it, or take a test, or carry a card. It just happens to you.
Nobody said alienating anyone. "You need a new group of friends" doesn't mean OP can't still be friends with the people he already knows. But if they want to do things that their current friend group just isn't interested in (Having fun without alcohol), then he needs to find new people to do that with.
Respectfully disagree. The best thing you can do to make meaningful personal change is to change your environment. This is pretty universal advice for people dealing with (either in themselves or others) abuse, addiction, etc.
If people are drinking, it’s often in places catered to drinking as well, leaving not many other options. Being sober in those places is, frankly, boring.
Don't alienate yourself. Just diversify your friend investments. That's often a good idea anyway. You don't want one life event of one societal change to make your entire social support system come crumbling down.
I think it hugely depends on whether a particular group of people are your support framework, or your enablers.
I don't read the advice as "remove all your support framework, friends, and family and go at it alone". I read it as "find supportive people who can enable your goal".
For me, it's absolutely trivial to not drink or not smoke in groups of friends. But that's because I'm NOT a drinker and I'm not a smoker.
For anybody I know who IS a drinker or a smoker, casual or hard-core, the social aspect is absolutely pervasive and can be brutal in trying to quit. If one is not a drinker or smoker they may have a hard time fully empathizing / understanding how hard it can be to be around others who not only partake, but see it as critical focal part of activities.
exactly this. i had no problem hanging out with friends, many of which liked to drink beer while i wasn't. i was never pressured, and nobody got drunk and we all had fun. but if they had tried to pressure me, i probably would have left.
keeping a habit is a lot easier than changing one. change needs encouragement and if that encouragement doesn't come from friends you already have, new friends are needed. that doesn't mean to give up old friends, but it means to get an additional circle of friends.
new friends can be found by joining a new activity or picking a new hobby, or to go visit new locations...
Also, talk to your friends. I'm sure a number of them would actually want to do something sober, it's just that things just easily fall into that mode.
If you like watersports, suggest doing soemthing like that. Or go to the gun range. Or go to an origami course together.
If no one suggests anything then to the bar it is. But there's a lot of options, but it requires active thinking/planning/doing from both parties.
No, it's correct advice. I don't know how old you are, bu there's nothing hugely unconditional about keeping friends. Moving on from friends is a standard part of adulthood, and what OP describes sounds like such an occasion.
Agreed! If these a important lifelong buddies then you salvage the friendship by doing things together that don't involve/require drinking and hope that they don't declare you an outcast.
But if this is just some scattered collection of folks whose lives revolve around getting drunk together, then IMO it's no big loss to move on. There's plenty of awesome people out there to discover.
Change the topic to drugs instead of alcohol: "Me and all my friends are cocaine addicts. I just can't have fun without cocaine." If you've recognized that your cocaine use is detrimental to your life, does that sound like an environment you should remain in?
More seriously though - It's 2022. For better or for worse, if that is desired, it is trivially easy to find fellow members of any given subculture and preference group. Friendly non-alcoholic atheists are far from fringe in this day and age (geography depending of course, but the short post does not specify).
Finally, I don't think I've read the "non-religious" portion in the original ask - so not sure where that part even comes in. People who don't need to drink to have fun, or people who can have fun without drinking, are pretty common.
OP didn't say "my friends drink and it bothers me." They said "my friends are alcoholics and can't have fun without drinking." He's not looking for friends who don't ever drink. Just ones that understand moderation.
I'm also not sure why religion comes into it. If you're a non-believer and you don't want to socialize with believers I feel like you've missed the whole point of atheism/agnosticism.
I mean... First, you don't have to alienate yourself from your old friends in order to meet new people. Second, you don't have to make "left the group" reach the level of alienating.
People comes and goes, booze night can be fun at times. But if it stopped been fun, then your decision of leaving should be honored. Otherwise, the relationship is unhealthy and needs adjustment.
This is really good advice. You'll never be able to give up a bad habit or an addiction so long as the people around you are caught up in the same thing.
For years I was unable to quit smoking, in part because the folks I hung out with and the people I dated were all smokers. I moved to a different city, started hanging out with non smokers and was able to quit in a few months.
I would even say; move away if you can. Far enough away so you don't see everyone too often or the places where you had 'fun'. Moving away for school or work also helps 'breaking up' with all friends at once for a good reason in case you don't want to tell the real reason.
How often do you go do things where drinking isn't the focus? Do you think someone is lame or unsocial if they don't want to go to a bar?
If you think it is uncool to not go to events where alcohol is a huge part of it, then of course you're not going to meet any nondrinkers you think are cool.
I can't speak for everyone of course, but I'd say that generally when you are sober it's not that fun to be around crowds of drunk people.
There are several cultures (eg. some immigrants) where drinking isn't big. But that would come with its own difficulties of finding something fun to do together.
Not true at all. I quit years ago and for a long time continued to hang out, go clubbing, party without any alcohol or drugs with the same group of friends.
I do social dance, this is an effective "replacement" for alcohol but certainly once you get good typically some subset of places that offer a venue to social dancing dohave alochol and it's considered impolite to not meet soft minimum requirements but the consumption dynamic there is not quite the same.
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[ 2.8 ms ] story [ 242 ms ] threadWhen I hear people ask about fun without alcohol it isn't that just drinking is fun for them but makes whatever they engage in during/after fun or more fun.
These probably aren't things that will work for you, but they work for me, since you asked :P
2) Get new friends (seriously). If you continue to associate with the same friends, you'll have the same problem and point of view.
3) Let yourself go through the withdrawal of the "fun"
4) Get on with life, figure out what you consider without including alcohol.
EDIT: I should have said "most recovery programs" rather than specifying 12 step. Please ignore the 12 step part and realize that I'm advising staying away from the people who are part of the OP's problem.
Cutting ties doesn't have to be all or nothing, and it doesn't have to be everyone in that group. If you and a friend are both serious about quitting alcohol, they might be your best ally in quitting.
12 step programs are a lie, they just isolate people, make them annihilate themselves all for the purpose of then assuming a higher power has to save them from themselves, after which they either fail or become converted to the religion that hosts the current incarnation of the program.
There is a minority of modified programs that don't do that, but the classic one is not that.
That said, if it 'works' for someone that's great, but if it is just replacing one thing with another, it's just a sidestep and not an improvement (except for bystanders who only 'see' things as a third party and because it 'looks' better they think it therefore must be better).
In addition, removing the source of the problem (i.e. friends that cause you to drink) can help, but not as a universal solution. If people have such a degree of control over your actions, it's going to be more than just the friends that drink that can cause the problem.
There are however, a whole lot of other options that are not religious conversion that have good (and measurable) results. As soon as someone recognises they have a problem they need help solving and actually want to solve it, that's when you can actually get somewhere.
In most groups I've seen, there's really only one person who is the heavy drinker, and they bring everyone else along.
I’m currently doing a dry January and I still go out with my friends. There’s plenty of tasty non-alcoholic beverages.
"How do you have fun without alcohol?"
Being sober and being around drunks is never really all that fun, imo.
You don't need to completely remove alcohol, a good first step is to have 2 glasses/bottles over a binge session so you can feel more "socially integrated".
I realise this is easier said than done but it's an attainable mindset.
To answer your question though I do all the normal stuff everyone else does just without the alcohol. I still went to the pub with new friends and colleagues. I just didn’t drink alcohol. Sure it was a bit odd at first, more so for others than me I think. But it soon became normal and I had just as much fun as I did before but without feeling crap the next morning.
You mention your friends are alcoholics. If that is true I would probably suggest finding new friends as it sounds like they’re just a big of an issue on your desensitisation of fun as alcohol is.
Look for activities that alcohol would get in the way of, and find something you like. Could be video games, sports / exercise, sex, reading, driving around, or other hobbies. To some extent, its harder work to find something that requires as little effort to be fun as just drinking, but there are lots of things you can't enjoy when drinking / drunk, so focus on those.
If anyone asks why you aren’t drinking just tell them you are just having fun (“goofing”). Internalize a story about yourself that let’s you play without needing alcohol.
I really enjoyed improv because that’s sort of how they led. People are stiff and need an excuse to be playful. Most use alcohol as permission but you don’t need to.
If your friends keep peer pressuring you to drink, consider changing what environment you guys are in as perhaps it’s the same old environment leading to the same old desires.
Hope this helps internet friend!
Dating and sex also don't have to involve alcohol and are fun activities as well.
Better to get on these things now while you're 23, rather than 33 or 43.
A more realistic first step would be to stop hanging out with your alcoholic friends, or at least trying to set very clear boundaries with them so that you avoid situations where you're encouraged or pressured to drink. This might not be possible, in which case you'll have to make some tough decisions about who you allow to stay in your life.
Either way, consider expanding your social circle to include people who don't drink. That group might include people who are sober or trying to achieve sobriety.
Once you're in the right environments and around the right people, it will be easier to find alcohol-free activities that you enjoy.
I didn't really drink at your age and that's what I did for fun.
I don’t like to drink because it becomes boring. I do it for social reasons but I find I don’t enjoy myself with people who do it a lot.
If you are actually alcoholic, go get professional help. It’s a serious disease. If you use the term colloquially as a synonym for “drink too often” then just take a break from going out with that circle of friends to break the habit.
It sucks to say, but people who need to drink to have fun will always drag you along that path. It doesn't matter if it's a night on the town, or a board game night, they will always want booze around. Also, they will probably pressure you to drink, because that's what gives them permission to.
So find new people who don't drink. Do the normal things you would do, but without alcohol. It's still fun.
Meeting the people is the hard part I think. For that you probably need to find activities and events where booze won't be around. Find things you like to do sober, then find groups of people doing those things. Join game jams, or board game nights or take a martial arts class or a salsa dancing class or something.
This is absolutely horrible advice. Alienating yourself from all of your friends simply because you don't want to drink the same things as them is not a good idea.
If you don't want alcohol, then just don't drink it? I have been to many, many, many music festivals, parties, etc. and not drank anything. I can't imagine just exiling myself from all of my friends instead of simply not drinking something.
(Obviously if you have a medical condition or something, or a history of addiction, then this might not apply)
edit: there are many replies to me talking about addiction and accusing me of encouraging an addict to engage with their addiction. I'm not. I said it above, but if you have a history of addiction, or if this is an addiction problem, obviously this advice does not apply, and you should distance yourself from addicts.
Finding a new group of friends in that sort of situation is absolutely the correct move. Addicts do not let other addicts quit.
I read that as: all of my friends drink alcohol, not all of my friends are addicted to alcohol.
If OP and all of his friends are alcohol addicted, then yeah: that's a medical problem and my advice doesn't apply, which I already said.
I can’t imagine using “alcoholic” to describe people who consume alcohol in moderation. And I am around a lot of teetotalers.
Also, there aren't really that many actual alcoholics at 23. Actual alcoholism tends to take years to develop.
Sounds like an alcoholic to me.
If people are drinking, it’s often in places catered to drinking as well, leaving not many other options. Being sober in those places is, frankly, boring.
As someone who doesn't drink this is 1000% true. I don't want to hang with the drinkers because it is boring as hell.
I don't read the advice as "remove all your support framework, friends, and family and go at it alone". I read it as "find supportive people who can enable your goal".
For me, it's absolutely trivial to not drink or not smoke in groups of friends. But that's because I'm NOT a drinker and I'm not a smoker.
For anybody I know who IS a drinker or a smoker, casual or hard-core, the social aspect is absolutely pervasive and can be brutal in trying to quit. If one is not a drinker or smoker they may have a hard time fully empathizing / understanding how hard it can be to be around others who not only partake, but see it as critical focal part of activities.
keeping a habit is a lot easier than changing one. change needs encouragement and if that encouragement doesn't come from friends you already have, new friends are needed. that doesn't mean to give up old friends, but it means to get an additional circle of friends.
new friends can be found by joining a new activity or picking a new hobby, or to go visit new locations...
If you like watersports, suggest doing soemthing like that. Or go to the gun range. Or go to an origami course together.
If no one suggests anything then to the bar it is. But there's a lot of options, but it requires active thinking/planning/doing from both parties.
But if this is just some scattered collection of folks whose lives revolve around getting drunk together, then IMO it's no big loss to move on. There's plenty of awesome people out there to discover.
More seriously though - It's 2022. For better or for worse, if that is desired, it is trivially easy to find fellow members of any given subculture and preference group. Friendly non-alcoholic atheists are far from fringe in this day and age (geography depending of course, but the short post does not specify).
Finally, I don't think I've read the "non-religious" portion in the original ask - so not sure where that part even comes in. People who don't need to drink to have fun, or people who can have fun without drinking, are pretty common.
I'm also not sure why religion comes into it. If you're a non-believer and you don't want to socialize with believers I feel like you've missed the whole point of atheism/agnosticism.
People comes and goes, booze night can be fun at times. But if it stopped been fun, then your decision of leaving should be honored. Otherwise, the relationship is unhealthy and needs adjustment.
This is really good advice. You'll never be able to give up a bad habit or an addiction so long as the people around you are caught up in the same thing.
For years I was unable to quit smoking, in part because the folks I hung out with and the people I dated were all smokers. I moved to a different city, started hanging out with non smokers and was able to quit in a few months.
If you think it is uncool to not go to events where alcohol is a huge part of it, then of course you're not going to meet any nondrinkers you think are cool.
I can't speak for everyone of course, but I'd say that generally when you are sober it's not that fun to be around crowds of drunk people.
If you're a sensation-chaser, spend time on rivers or on skis.
Give a few new hobbies a try; it is okay to be a complete beginner at stuff. Learning is fun.
Understanding this before 30 is a super power.
I do social dance, this is an effective "replacement" for alcohol but certainly once you get good typically some subset of places that offer a venue to social dancing dohave alochol and it's considered impolite to not meet soft minimum requirements but the consumption dynamic there is not quite the same.