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Ask HN: How do I explain to my boss the real reason I want to move away?

19 points by mustafa_pasi ↗ HN
I have a very cool research job at a university. I am good at my job, productive and have results. My boss likes me and I like my research group, and the topic is the intersection of all the things I love and am good at, and because it is an applied project, the salary is also not very bad. And my boss likes me so much he wants me to undertake a big project i.e. apply for funding for a multiyear contract.

There is only one minor problem. The location is horrible. It is a tiny city, with only a few big engineering campuses. I hate living here primarily because there are very few social opportunities. I am 30 soon and am thinking hard about my future. I like my job, but I do not live to work. I work to live and my life here is making me depressed. I don't know if I should spell it out further, but here goes: I want to settle down and there are basically no women here. Being that I am 30, I don't want to get stuck in some 5+ year contract in this location.

The problem is, how do I explain this to my boss? Will he understand? And am I making the right decision? I worked so very hard to arrive here and now I made it and maybe I will never get as good an opportunity. But does it make sense to continue living in a state where outside of work I have basically no life and feel constantly depressed? I want to move to a big city where I can meet people easier. I might never get as good an opportunity again, career wise. But I also won't get my early 30s back if I spend them here. I am myself confused.

But the main problem is, how do I explain this to my boss? It feels like bringing personal issues in a professional setting is always a big no-no. But then again, my personal life is just as important to me.

Or maybe should I just lie and invent some other plausible excuse instead? I usually like being honest, but maybe it might not be the right way to go about things here.

23 comments

[ 2.7 ms ] story [ 55.5 ms ] thread
akprasad
Sorry, I don't know how to help with your inner confusion. But I think I can help with the messaging, if you do decide to leave.

I think a healthy professional workplace will understand that we're all human beings with different desires and needs. And there are ways to communicate your personal feelings without making things awkward for the two of you.

For example, what I hear from your post is that you're thinking about where to build the rest of your life and you think your current location isn't right for you. I think that's a perfectly fine reason to give to a superior -- personal, but professional.

If he digs in, you can give details based on how comfortable you are with him. Again, there are general reasons you can give -- wanting to live in a city, for example -- that are honest and personal without being awkward.

nradov
You're not obligated to explain or make excuses. If you're unhappy in your current situation then you can just quit and leave. Don't over think it, and don't waste your life away out of some misguided sense of duty to your boss.

But don't burn bridges either. Be professional, give reasonable notice, and try to transition out smoothly. If possible, line up a new job before you quit the old one because that will put you in a stronger negotiating position.

You also come across as insecure and lacking confidence. If your goal is to improve your dating prospects then you're going to need to work on that.

ccvannorman
This. Your boss is not your friend. You're playing poker and you have a strong hand -- good help is hard to find (and you're good, in my opinion, precisely because you're even wondering about this exact issue.)

Make your life work for you. You are worth it. You don't owe your boss or your company anything, least of all a personal excuse for an executive life decision like being more social.

If you decide to tell your boss it should be because you are comfortable and feel it's the best move FOR YOU. Do NOT tell your boss out of fear of losing your job or being judged. You can always get another/better position, and you are always replacable.

I can't stress this enough ... Put yourself first ... You will have many jobs but you only have one life.

gitgud
Agreed, but just be aware that your boss might enquire as to why you're unhappy and try to fix it.

In this situation just say you have an opportunity in another city and want to explore it, no need to say it's because the current city is terrible...

thesuperbigfrog
Be honest and tell the truth about your goals and feelings.

You need to do what will help you to find happiness and fulfillment.

>> how do I explain this to my boss? Will he understand?

A good boss would respect their employee's needs and help them out. If your boss does not care about you, then maybe you don't want them to be your boss anymore?

>> I hate living here primarily because there are very few social opportunities. I am 30 soon and am thinking hard about my future. I like my job, but I do not live to work. I work to live and my life here is making me depressed. I don't know if I should spell it out further, but here goes: I want to settle down and there are basically no women here. Being that I am 30, I don't want to get stuck in some 5+ year contract in this location.

Do you think you would be happy if you were at the current job and location, but newly married or otherwise with a significant other?

Would it make sense (and could you afford to) take a hiatus for a year or so to see about meeting someone?

Are there any "remote dating" type options where you could stay where you are, but find that special someone?

A great job is hard to find and generally worth keeping if you can.

The love of your life is also hard to find, but will change your life forever.

askafriend
Why are you trying to please someone else when making a life decision for yourself? That makes no sense.

Make a decision, and when you're ready - tell him clearly the decision you've made. Then make the change.

You're overthinking this.

savorypiano
Wouldn't a university have more suitable partner density for you than a large city? If it's a research university there will be plenty of grad students or post-docs around your age and achievement level.
blacksqr
If you think it will be easy to meet women as a new arrival in a big city, you may be in for a rude surprise.

Pro tip: there are no places with no datable women, except some prisons.

iancmceachern
It's not really about "women". It's about finding a partner in life that shares some of your same outlook, goals, passions, desires, etc. In some "small" places there simply is less opportunity (the denominator) to meet folks that share those things with you. The bigger the population of your area, the more chance one will come across that match. If a person tends toward a rural way of life, they likely will find that partner in rural areas, if not, not.
llampx
In general, it should be easier to meet people that you click with, when the available pool is larger. This is also the reason for online dating's rise, and why NYC has a large population of single women.
quickthrower2
A big city (or at least 1M pop) makes it a lot easier though. Otherwise its long drives to every date, the other person is not sure because you are so far away etc. Small towns have a culture and its often “get married have kids is all there is to life”. If thats not you, you have to move. Sorry for the stereotypes but datings is where you need to discriminate!
rdtwo
San Fran is not great really west coast in general not great. Doable but with a disadvantage
ALittleLight
I would not lie. Neither would I try to convince my boss. Wanting to move is your reason, it's irrelevant if he understands your motives.

Instead, I'd talk to my boss and tell him that I love the job, the work, coworkers, whatever and I could see myself happily working here in the future. Just one problem, I want to live somewhere else. What can we do to make remote work happen for me as soon as possible?

foreigner
"Maybe I will never get as good an opportunity" is not a good attitude for life. I've stressed that way about every major life or career move I've made, and in hindsight I've always wished I had made the move sooner.

Just be honest with your boss and then take the plunge.

whoknew1122
I'm wondering why you feel the need to give your boss a reason or excuse for wanting to move.

But beyond that, I've found that honesty is the best policy here. If you want to tell your boss something, tell them the truth. By telling the truth, you're telling your boss a little bit about yourself. Their response is going to tell you a lot more about them.

I'm only going to work for a boss who prioritizes work/life balance and understands that I work to live; I don't live to work. If my boss isn't on board with that, well then we're not a good match. I can take my services elsewhere. There's more than enough cyber security and cloud architect jobs out there. I'll find a place that works for me.

heavyset_go
> But beyond that, I've found that honesty is the best policy here. If you want to tell your boss something, tell them the truth. By telling the truth, you're telling your boss a little bit about yourself. Their response is going to tell you a lot more about them.

I've seen bosses become incredibly petty towards their former golden child employees once they've indicated that they're looking for work elsewhere, like suddenly claiming to anyone that would listen that they're unprofessional, abdicating responsibility and abandoning their job/coworkers.

I'd keep it vague, something about personal and professional development or opportunities. If the boss is really a cool guy and your friend, you can share the real reason you left once the dust settles and when they have no power over you.

joshxyz
Hmmm you can actually say you're resigning for "personal reasons not related to work" and leave it at that. Employers actually respect your boundaries on this and you don't really have to open up that part of your life if you're not comfortable about sharing it to them. Just focus on finding a new work and properly relaying your responsibilities to someone else in the company (maybe you need to document everything). That's all.
Blackstone4
It depends on your perspective. I feel that we are all humans and all have personal issues. This means it’s okay to talk about them in a healthy manner.
Raed667
I would suggest having this conversation with your boss and see if they're willing to let you relocate and work remotely.

And if not, what you're describing is a very valid reason to quit. You don't need to justify yourself further.

austhrow743
“I’m actually thinking of moving to a major city after project ends”

It’s honest and I don’t see a reason to go in to your dating woes.

xhkkffbf
Here's a true story: a friend was a young, unmarried professor at a very rural campus. It was also a few years ago before MeToo came along. The older professors knew that it was hard for the youngsters to date so they explicitly told him that they saw no problem with him dating grad students. And the female grad students wanted that option too. He did end up marrying one and the two are quite happy now.

Of course it was a different time. There are rules against these things now.